The fact of the matter is your DH is really only seeing his kids ONE FULL DAY per weekend. By the time he gets home from work Saturday, and you have dinner, etc. there is very little time for them to spend together.

The other fact is that teenagers increasingly want to spend time with their friends. The time frame where they want to just come over and sit around with you all day Saturday waiting for their Dad to come home is not going to last very long. Further, they will want to spend time with their friends on Saturday nights, too. Especially when they start dating someone seriously. Even spending time with Dad will not trump that very natural desire. This is where non-custodial parents have the biggest challenge - keeping involved in the kids lives but giving them some freedom, too. He just needs to start getting ready for the transition.

Like "downsouth" says, maybe you can have the conversation with your DH and get him to acknowledge that his kids are getting older and it's the QUALITY of the time spent together, not quantity, that matters. Perhaps he can approach the boys and ask them what they would like, (and eventually clear withBM) and come up with a compromise which will work for everyone.

Most importantly, one that will work for YOU because you are nothing more than an unwilling slave to your household on Saturdays "babysitting" kids who are not yours. Both your DH and BM are free and clear every Saturday, and you are the stuckee. This is NOT fair to you in any sense of the word.

I know what you mean about having a man who is extremely sensitive about issues related to his kids. I have one of those, too. But when push came to shove and it affected MY life, I brought matters up and made him discuss it with me. He often wanted to just walk out of the room all "hurt" but I would tell him that he needed to come back into the room and resolve this - being hurt and sensitive would not get us to any solution. He eventually got better about it and we could more calmly discuss things.

Hope some of these strategies may work for you.

Oh boy TinaRose, I feel really bad for you after reading that post. Having skids on the weekend is the worst. Just thinking about having skids every weekend gives me palpitations. I have 50/50 and on skid weekends, I debate whether it would be preferable to work the weekend or deal with SS17 at home. I would never be with skid for the day without my husband home. That is his creation, not mine. When skid was younger, if my husband wasn't going to be home, he had better make arrangements with his ex to switch a day because I am not a babysitter. Now that skid is older, if my husband isn't home, I try not to be either because skid creeps me out and I have heard too many horror stories about the stepmom being found chopped to pieces by the crazy skid (hope I am not making you feel worse Was it like this before you married? (except for the part about him working)? Because whether he is at work or not, the skids are still in your home every weekend, ie. no alone time, no weekends away, no true quality time. How can you have a marriage like that? Obviously you can't undo what is done, but I think you should have negotiated a tolerable custody agreement before you tied the knot. Although your husband is totally in the wrong in a lot of ways, in his defense, it sounds like you married him without letting him know how you felt and securing a fair custody deal for yourself. Why does his ex get all of her weekends free? Must be nice. How is that fair? Having a teenager around during the week isn't nearly as bad as a weekend. Weeknights they have some after school activity, they spend a few hours pretending to do homework, they raid your refrigerator and then they go off to their own room. On weekends they get bored, they whine, they loiter, demand things, hog the TV, make too much noise, trash the house...did I forget anything? Weekends are for YOU to relax and unwind. Weekends are to look forward to, not dread.

Anyway, bottom line, your husband isn't considering you. Although it should be obvious, he needs to be reminded that you have no kids and don't see the world thru the same eyes, and it isn't fair that you don't have quality couples time with him on weekends. You want that and so should he. It is crucial to a marriage. You need to tell him that the care of your children is the problem of him and his ex wife, not you. He needs to negotiate a new custody agreement that doesn't just work for him, but works for his WIFE. Maybe you can agree to a few weeknights (when he isn't working) in exchange for free weekends. Something has to change.

My husband is the same as yours in that he assumes that everyone loves his little brat as much as he does. I still remember when skid was 9 and I was new and innocent like you (also no kids of my own), and I agreed to pick up skid from school and watch him because that is what good little stepmoms do, right? I spent the longest 4 hours of my life trying to entertain that little turd. Husband gets home and I wait for him to thank me for babysitting (I didn't want a medal, just acknowledgement). And I wait and wait. Finally I asked him if he wasn't even going to thank me and he replied..."Thank you? I wish I was so lucky to be able to spend 4 hours with my son." He literally acted like he gave me a gift by allowing me time with his kid. They just don't get it. Needless to say, that was my last babysitting gig. If I want to suffer with some kid that isn't mine, I will look in the classifieds and do the same work for 10 bucks an hour.

I doubt it will be easy for you, but the arrangement as it is now won't work, and it sounds like you can't even talk to your husband about crucial matters. You can only hold your tongue for so long before you explode in a fit of pent up rage (at which time your thoughtless husband will call you a crazy loon and blame you for everything without looking in the mirror). Being a SM stinks. It stinks worse with no kids of your own. It stinks way worse if you wanted your own kids and couldn't have them. Without a supportive husband with a clue and some empathy, it can't work. You are early in the marriage so I really hope you can make some changes. The sooner you start the better your chances of getting thru to him. Good luck. Stay strong. Remember that your time matters too. Your sanity matters and you deserve a good life.

Hi Tina,

You're not going to like my comments. Your husband is using you and there are many, many of these men and women who get married and expect their new spouse to take care of their kids for them. This is not ok.

Also, expecting you to "bond" with kids that are over 13 is stupid. Some step parents will bond if the kids are babies or elementary school age, and even that's tough. It's a bit late in the game to expect anyone to "bond". The teenagers are on their way to flying out of the nest--NOT bonding with anyone and staying behind.

So, if I were you, I'd say, "I don't remember our vows saying that I agreed to be your unpaid nanny." Then DO something about it, because men are so used to women talking and talking, that they don't think it means much.

Buy a lock for your bedroom and lock away your things as the other poster suggested. Then, make yourself unavailable on Saturdays. Don't you have an ill relative or friend who needs care? How about that class that you absolutely need?

There is no reason to nanny these guys in the first place. Reclaim your power and let the chips fall where they may. Thsi guy is a user.

Ok, I am a new step parent for the most part, but I have 3 girls ages 10,15, and 21. and my new husband has 3 daughters also ages 7,11, and 18. Yes, 6 daughters between us. his live in another state and his ex is horrible!!! But I do know that in the past I have had to lock up things in my bedroom due to not trusting one of the children. It is not wrong at all. I do agree you should lock up anything you are concerned about in the bedroom. You should not have to spend all your days off with his kids. You can make plans and go on Saturdays, they are old enough and if you lock stuff up should not be a problem. Also, not sure what your finances are but I guess if you wanted to you could pay a babysitter for awhile on Saturdays, or should I say your husband can pay for a babysitter. I only say this because I know what it is like to not trust a child to stay alone in your home. I really feel like the resentment will grow if you keep on this path. They are also old enough to cook for themselves if you get some cup of noodles, or corndogs. My 10 year old can do that so they sure can! no cooking or dishes there. I don't have teen boys, only girls, but have been told video games babysit them for hours, mostly I hear complaints but in this case could help you! Also, what if you set up a ritual that you let them pick out a movie and get them a pizza and say. ok be back in a couple hours! LOL I do that for my girls when I go out sometimes and they seem to like it.

You also should have alone time with your husband, I would be concerned about your marriage lasting if this does not happen no matter how in love you are. What I always remind myself is that after the children are grown and on their own you will still be together (hopefully) so that means when the 13 year old is 18 in 5 more years you are home free! and also the 16 year old I agree with probably be around less and less over the next couple years, and I would not allow him to live in my home if I were you. I think it would cause resentment, and it also sounds as if the home is actually yours that he moved in with you? He can be reminded that if he doesn't get along with his mother he is free to move out of her home and get an apartment when he turns 18. He should be looking into a job at 16 I would think? Maybe if he works he will be out of your hair, most teens have jobs on weekends and evenings.

I don't question others being married 3 times as I am on my 3rd myself. It was not at all what I expected, I was young the first time and married an alcoholic which learned quick and got out, and second seemed like a safe choice after the first, problem being we were married for 15 years and just friends! no romantic connection, so we are still friends now. Now I am married to my true love, and found my path, which is why I'm telling you that your husband needs to know how important it is to keep up with alone time for the two of you.. Use it or lose it they say! you dont' want to lose it, trust me I was there for a long time and it gets lonely. Good luck!!