How old is your stepson? My DH is a really great guy, but early in our marriage he would also drop everything to do the beck and call of BM or one of the skids. Once, he left a dinner we were hosting for another couple to go pick up SS. The other couple was about 15 minutes from leaving...and he just rushed out the door with a: "Sorry! Have to go get SS!" It was incredibly rude, and the other couple looked shocked and then actually made a subtle comment about how rude it was. I was incredibly embarrassed and brought it up to my DH later...he got defensive. What was he supposed to do? He had to go get his kid! He even tried to argue that the other couple was rude because they said they were heading home at 8:00 and it was 8:10 when he left to get SS (no specific departure time was ever mentioned...just that they had to get home early-ish for the sitter). I think some parents think that their kids provide a convenient excuse for any kind of behavior. Keep in mind...this wasn't an emergency where DH was needed or should have been by his son's side. It was just BM asking him if he could pick up SS from a party because she was tied up. But so were we! I'm sure SS could have stayed at the party for 15 additional minutes, no problem.

We work from home and there was also a time when DH would drop everything to take something to his son, who is incredibly forgetful and clumsy. His school ID. His sports uniforms. Lunch. Meaning that he'd have to drive to BMs (15 minutes away from our house) to get the missing item to take to the school (just 5 minutes from our house...the other direction). A 40-45 minute interruption to the work day that happened once or twice weekly for a while. Until one day DH called me in a panic to ask if I'd take SS his ID. He was about to head into a meeting. The conversation went down like this:

Me: "No. I'm at work."

DH: "Are you in the middle of something?!"

Me: "It doesn't matter. I'm at work. You're at work. If we didn't work at home, our bosses wouldn't just let us drop everything to take SS his ID twice a week. We need to be our own boss on this. He doesn't call his mom because she's at work. We need to teach him that we're at work, too."

DH: "He's bought a temporary ID twice already this week for 50 cents. The third time it's $5 for a temporary ID!"

Me: "OK. So you're telling me that your son forgot his ID 3 out of 5 days this week? So he has to pay the $5. 45 minutes of my time is worth more than that."

DH: "He doesn't have $5 with him. Could you just take him $5? That's just a 10 minute errand!"

Me: "No, I'm at work."

DH: "If he doesn't get his ID or a temporary ID he has to go to detention after school!"

Me: "And?"

DH: "He'll miss German club!"

Me: "Aren't natural consequences wonderful? We don't even have to punish him for being so careless."

After this, DH and I had a long talk about what he was teaching SS by always being available to solve his problems...about natural consequences and allowing kids to suffer a little bit for the greater good. This time, he was incredibly receptive. We both refused to bail SS out when he forgot something, and he became somewhat more careful as a result

I think some recently-divorced dads are so afraid of the "deadbeat dad" stigma that they go overboard...ignoring common sense and good parenting in order to "appear" to be an involved, engaged dad. I was able to make my husband see that being a good, involved dad doesn't always mean doing exactly what the kids want. It could be that Disney Dad is just the divorced dad counterpoint to Stepmom who tries too hard for fear of being labeled a "wicked" stepmother.

So...to the good news for you. As the kids have gotten older, the BM has had less and less power over my household...has begun to feel much less intrusive. And DH has settled into his role. When I met DH, he had been separated for five years, but was still a month away from being officially divorced. We married just a year after his divorce...and I think a lot of guys are irate about the "deal" they get in family court and try to overcompensate because of that. My DH got completely screwed financially...and, on top of that, officially became a NCP overnight. I think it's a shock to the system. Now, it's settled in. Again...skids getting older has its own challenges, but it goes a long way toward helping dad calm down about "losing" his kids, in my experience.

Here are some practical things you can do to get your seat at the table back...some things that have worked for me. 1.) Tell your husband that you're sorry he can't have his son every day. That you know it must be hard. I've said this so many times to my DH. Notice, I'm not saying that I wish they were in my house more or that WE could see them more. I'm simply acknowledging that the situation sucks for him and isn't fair. I can say this honestly, and it helps DH realize that I am on his side in this. 2.) Tell your DH he's a good dad...praise him for it. My DH had so much insecurity about his role as dad early in our relationship that he overcompensated in bad ways...as illustrated above. Divorced dads are insecure about the job they're doing as dad, about their role in the kids' lives, about losing their kids. They're more insecure about it than the kids are, in my experience. You reaffirming this role verbally...telling him he's doing well...pointing out instances of good parenting...will go a long way toward stopping the Disney Dad behavior. Look for some things that dad does well with his son...things that don't hurt you or your couple relationship...and tell him. 3.) Prompt your DH to PLAN for extra time with son. It sounds like a lot of your problem is the impromptu nature of these extra visits as well as not being consulted. It was the same for me early on. If you have a BM that's open to extra time...be preemptive about it. Encourage him to take the son out...outside of your home. Our BM was always open to letting us have more time / involvement, so I would suggest outings for DH and one or more kids. Find things that you know SS likes (preferably cheap!) and point them out to your husband. Say: "Hey, look! You should take SS to this next week!" Be excited about it. Don't offer to go. I found that the more I encouraged my DH to see his kids outside of regularly-scheduled visitation, the less defensive he was when I said no to something else or asserted my right to be involved in the calendar decisions. And the less likely I was to come home to three skids lounging around my living room, TV turned all the way up, while dad was down in his basement office working. Encourage engagement from your DH...not just "time" for its own sake. 4.) Be preemptive about spontaneous visits, too. Odd as it sounds...as much as I hate the disruption to my life and my home...I actually do miss and want to see the skids on occasion. For short visits. If you EVER feel this way toward SS, take advantage of it. I would usually suggest something outside of the home that had a definite time-frame to it. Like: "Hey! It's a school holiday today. Want to see if any of the kids are free for a quick brunch?" I set up the time expectation in one sentence, chose something cheap (breakfast as opposed to lunch or dinner) and put it in the skids court. Let's see if they're free. I knew I was up for an hour or so of skid company...that I could do it with energy...and I jumped on it. Sometimes, the skids wouldn't be available. And, sometimes, believe it or not, DH would say..."Nah...I'd rather just the two of us go get some brunch."

My main point in this long expose is that you being preemptively involved can solve a lot of problems. At the very least, it will calm your DH's fear that he's "losing" his son if he feels he has someone in his court, looking out for him. And it will make you feel less left out and hurt. Notice that I'm not saying that YOU need to do MORE for your SS. All you need to do is affirm your DH's role in his son's life, encourage him to be proactive and plan for time with his son. Leave yourself out of it and keep putting it back in their court...in a positive way. I'm not saying that our relationship is now perfect...I still have a lot of resentment about the baggage, especially financial resentment. But there's a lot more peace, and I no longer feel like a non-entity in my own home, like I did at the beginning.