Avoiding the Awkward?
I have disengaged (to a certain extent) with SS11 before, but still spoke to him quite a bit- which I was comfortable with. He was always fairly reasonable to deal with, just sometimes overwhelming with energy.
He is now in middle school and boy his attitude has been changing. He is now trying to spend as much time as he can on his iPod (no phone yet), resisting to do chores, and talking back to his father and I- which he never really did any of that before. I overheard him talking negatively about me to his cousins last week, and last night (he hasn't been here since last Friday) he came over and walked right to his room and locked the door. Ignored me, and DS1- who loves him so much. I figured it was "teenage hormones". DH said he ignored him the whole way home.
Then after I put DS to bed, I walked out to hear DH talking to him about his attitude and SS11 said he doesn't want to live here anymore. (We have 50/50 placement) He feels more comfortable at his mom's (because she let's him do whatever he wants). Pretty much music to my ears and I knew it would happen sooner or later. I did feel bad for DH however, because I know that was hard for him to hear. SS11 said DH doesn't respect his mom because 6 years ago he pushed a stack of movies over when they were in a fight. And he doesn't want to show respect to me when I don't respect his mom, because 6 years ago I called her a mean name. Which I'm assuming she told him this. (If only he knew what she said to me.....) I have spoken to her twice in 6 years, but that's all he remembers when he thinks about me, and that's so sad. And it's amazing how she has painted this portrait of her being the poor loving mother that DH left all alone with her children.... (even though she cheated numerous times, filed for divorce, then moved in with her boyfriend before DH and I even met each other)
So this morning he was just being a brat- ignoring me and DS1- which of course, a one year old doesn't understand why his brother won't pay attention to him! So I said, "You don't have to ignore your little brother SS!" I don't care if he ignores me, but not DS1. That's cruel.
So I am fully disengaging before I get really hurt or upset, and wondering how you avoid those awkward situations you are forced to be in- like we're both in the kitchen, but he won't use his manners to say excuse me or just lightly bumps into me. Do I ignore everything? Or do I attempt to keep it pleasant and say, "excuse me, I didn't mean to get in your way..." I've never fully disengaged from him before. Help!
Huh?
Huh?
" I'm the fun weekend parent,
" I'm the fun weekend parent, I let him swear and I spoil him- and no discipline here. Just like dad did it when I was the primary parent. Every dime of child support I pay happily is worth it." No I understand perfectly. I just can't believe a parent would say this. Most of the non custodial parents that do this don't realize the damage they're doing. You admit it.
I'm in a very similar
I'm in a very similar situation. Some of this is normal teenage behavior but a lot of this has to do the BM letting him do whatever he wants. This last year SS15 has started spending less and less time at our house (we are supposed to have him every other weekend). Basically when he is at our house we try to limit his phone time, try to get him to do his homework, do his chores, eat healthy, take showers, etc. His BM doesn't make him do his homework, doesn't limit his tech time, basically lets him do and eat whatever he wants so now that he is old enough to start deciding where he goes, he has been spending less and less time with us and more time with mom (he will even come to us sometimes having not taken a shower for a week because she won't even make sure that he showers!). I figured it was fine with me but I am concerned that greedy BM is going to come after us for more money. Has your DH looked into the financial issues here? I totally agree with Evil3 that the "bump" needs to be addressed. DH needs to sit him down and explain that any physical interaction will not be tolerated. However, if he wants to live with BM...and there isn't a problem financially...I say let him. The fight to try to instill your values over BM's values is futile one if she is going to continue to spoil him. I tell my SO that it's like trying to fill a bucket with water when there is a huge hole in the bottom (the hole being BM). Part of the disengaging (and the hardest part for me) is realizing that if BM is going to spoil them then there just isn't much you can do about it. The teenage brain is going to pick the path of least resistance and the parent who has the least rules.
So UPDATE..... DH said at
So UPDATE.....
DH said at lunch that SS11 is way too young to know the truth about the situation. Although I'm tempted to tell him anyway, I agree. He is at a point where he would simply defend his mommy anyway. So onto complete disengagement!
SIDE NOTE: Does that mean
SIDE NOTE: Does that mean SS11 doesn't get his Christmas gifts from my fam because he's being such a brat??? (We celebrated last weekend and skids weren't around) If he doesn't respect me, he sure as heck doesn't deserve my family's gifts!!!