Am I Being Totally Unrealistic in Thinking SO and BM Should Be Responsible for SK, Even If We Have a Baby...
Lately SO and I have been on the same page about everything. We're engaged, he's incredibly understanding in the fact that SK4 is his responsibility in terms of costs, getting her to/from places, childcare, etc. so that's great, because it wasn't always that way. He's recently trying to listen a lot more to how i'm feeling and let SK and I build a relationship vs. trying to push it.
The other day, we were talking about having a child down the line, and I brought up that we would, of course, treat them both exactly the same with the exception that him and BM would still be responsible for SK's childcare/costs/etc. I would help when possible, but they would be responsible while he and I would be responsible for our bio. He mentioned that it sounds like it would create a bit of a divide...
I do get that, and I think, in an ideal world, we would be able to split everything equally, however, him and BM are the type that once i start helping, they stop doing anything because it's a lot easier for me to do than them (I make a significant amount more money, I have a car, it's just easier for me). He's aware of this and knows it's not fair; just because it's easier doesn't mean I want to have all responsibility.
I'm wondering if it sounds unrealistic to think that they would continue staying primarily responsible for SK while he and I would be responsible for bio? Currently, I do quite a bit for SK in terms of taking her out, spending time with her, treating her like my own - just without the responsibility unless I feel like stepping in to help out. I of course would never dream of making her feel excluded, but I don't want to go and have a baby with him, only for him to expect me to shoulder more responsibility for SK... I don't want to get overwhelmed because everyone thinks "let sunshinex handle it, she's doing it for the baby anyway."
Maybe I'm thinking too much into this, I just don't want to move forward with plans to have a baby, only to find he shows way more attention to SK because he feels my not paying for/driving her around is favouring our bio.
I don't see why having a
I don't see why having a child would suddenly mean anything changes with SD, but you sure see on here where Stepmom after Stepmom get lassoed into caring for the skids because now they have their own child.
Ahh that's where I'm lucky. I
Ahh that's where I'm lucky. I work more than SO or BM. I plan on taking maternity leave, but very short as I run a fast-paced company. During this time, I would expect SD to be in daycare as usual because I will still be working as much as possible.
Nope; BM and your fiance
Nope; BM and your fiance remain responsible for SKID and you and your fiance would be responsible for your bio child.
Your fiance is still responsible for child care costs for SKID and you and he are responsbile for your bio child.
Like others have said the only time I would say different would be if step mum was being a stay at home mum (or working from home but largely supported by her husband) with bio kid at home and step kid in day care.
For me, my fiance has to go get SD5 from where-ever, there have been times that I've been free or home early from work and could have collected her but my fiance feels BM would kick up a fuss, so SD has to stay in child care until he collects her. If my fiance still feels that BM would kick up a fuss when we have a child then we may have a scenario that Im home with bio but SD is in child care.
Hmm, ok... So if I'm staying
Hmm, ok... So if I'm staying at home on maternity leave for a short period of time and taking care of bio, but still working as I can't abandon my company entirely (I do work from home, however, it's not relaxed, it's actually very fast-paced and stressful, nor am I supported by DH in the slightest), is it fair for me to expect SD to stay in daycare? I figure baby would be sleeping lots but SD is 4 and would spend the day running around, making it stressful to work and take care of baby.
Depends on the custody
Depends on the custody arrangement.
To me, if you are taking a short maternity then its fine to still have SD in day care. IF you can honestly say that if this baby was your SECOND child, youd still keep the first child in day care. To me thats the best way to compare it but also to explain it to your fiance.
The maternity leave is ultimately for you and baby, not for you to play babysitter for SD4.
Oh absolutely. If this was my
Oh absolutely. If this was my second child and SD was mine, I would still expect her in daycare as I have to find a way to keep my company running, and having a child running around throughout the day while taking care of a baby while still fulfilling my work duties would be impossible
Then theres your answer, you
Then theres your answer, you are looking at a short maternity leave that you are going to need for you and baby. The rest of the family schedule can continue as normal as its not going to be long term enough to warrant changing it up.
So no you are not being unreasonable, and now youve given yourself the reason why
Makes perfect sense to me.
Makes perfect sense to me. The maternity leave is for you and your baby. Enjoy the time when it comes upon you.
Oh absolutely. If this was my
Oh absolutely. If this was my second child and SD was mine, I would still expect her in daycare as I have to find a way to keep my company running, and having a child running around throughout the day while taking care of a baby while still fulfilling my work duties would be impossible
is it fair for me to expect
is it fair for me to expect SD to stay in daycare?
Yep, things should continue as usual, especially since you will be working from home and will be on maternity leave, not quitting your job to stay home indefinitely (then it might make financial sense for SD to not be in daycare).
You are in Canada so your
You are in Canada so your leave is very different from where I live. What happens to SD during your leave depends on the boundaries you have set and want to keep. If you like the boundaries you have in place, you may not want to relax them. It can be very difficult to reset boundaries.
What did strike me about post was the 'I have a car' comment. It jogged my memory so I went back and looked at your previous posts.
Yes, you and SO are on the same page 'lately'. My question is how long lately will last. Even in intact marriages things change when another child is added. Add in the disparity of your incomes and the reality that you will have the ability to provide much more for your child, and I can envision conflict ahead.
Go back and re-read your previous posts. Think about your life, and your life with a child, if things revert to what they were previously. What can you deal with and what can't you deal with?
Canadian law is different from USA law. Before you marry your fiance talk to a lawyer to check on any financial responsibility for SD a marriage might cause. What financial responsibility for SO would you have if you marry and divorce? If you decide to marry go in with your eyes open.
We did have a rough start but
We did have a rough start but I do feel our relationship has improved since my previous posts. Of course, I'm looking at having a baby a year or so down the line - a long time to see if things stay the same. I would, however, make sure to have a pre-nup prior to marrying to make sure i have no legal obligations financially if we did divorce... But I do worry about my ability to provide more for a child. I would hate to have to lower the amount of money I spend on my own bio because SD's parents can't do the same for her.
Has anyone had experience with this? If I wanted to take my child on a vacation or buy them something nice for their birthday, would that be wrong because SD isn't able to have the same luxuries? I know on shared holidays like christmas and such, I would do my best to keep it the same, but once in a while, i would want to spoil my child..
Right now, I do most of the gift buying for birthdays/holidays as I have more disposable income than SO... but I imagine I would want to buy more expensive things for my child as I wouldn't have the same slight resentment I do when I have to buy for SD.
If your SO does not have
If your SO does not have enough disposable income now to buy gifts for birthdays and holidays for his current child, how can he provide anything for a future child?
Realistically, if you have a child with this guy you will be providing for your child yourself. Any extra he has will be going to SD so that she can have what you provide for your child.
I definitely see what you're
I definitely see what you're saying... His income has improved greatly but he has been catching up on costs that got delayed while he was struggling. He does have enough, but to him, enough is one present, whereas I feel one present isn't much and always rush to fill in and get a couple more. Maybe that's my fault? I know he has the income to provide the basics for another child, but I know he couldn't do it to the extent I'd like my child to be provided for, which is okay because I can lol.
Do you really think he'd spend any extra he had to keep up with what I spent on our child together? I would never make it noticeable, but when SD is at her moms, I would like to take little spa day-trips and go shopping and such (I really want a girl, lol)
Do I really think he'd spend
Do I really think he'd spend any extra he had to keep up with what you spend on your child together? Yes
You might think you were not making noticeable differences, but he'd know you were doing it. If you took your daughter to a spa on a weekend that SD was not there, I think he'll be asking you why you can't wait and take her with you. If you doubt that read through the blogs here.
If you go without her, expect him to want to buy her something extra to make up for it.
Different incomes, fairness, extras in addition to CS, what your child gets vs the step --- takes lots of talk and compromise. And even if you think you have it all nailed down before the birth, differences can still surface afterwards. Some couples can work it out once and done, but for most it's a reoccurring discussion.
My fiance and I have had
My fiance and I have had conversations about this sort of thing. We are getting married next year and want to have an ours baby within the next few years.
At this particular moment in time we have never been able to include SD5 in our holidays abroad because BM hasnt requested a passport (since SD5 lives with her, it needs to be BM that requests the passport) however with me having moved abroad to be with my fiance I will always need/want to be travelling back to my home country and others for holidays and naturally once I have a child, I will be taking that child with us.
The biggest thing for me is, whilst I wouldnt want to always arrange to do special things, or take holidays when we didnt have SD5, I also wouldnt only want to do those things when we did have SD5 since ultimately, SD5 is able to do nice things with her BM and I dont think it is right/fair for our bio child to only have the ability or option to enjoy these special things when SD5 is with us. In short, im not prepared for my bio childs live to revolve around SD5s visitation schedule. There will be occassions that SD will miss out because shes not with us, in the same way that SD already misses out on things, the difference will be, there will be more "child" orientated things going on once we have an "ours" baby.
I think its incredibly important to talk these things through before getting pregnant, because what seems like a small thing can end up being a huge issue if you are both not on the same page.
In regards to presents we have a similar scenario, my fiance grew up receiving one present (be it birthday or christmas) I grew up being basically spoilt, christmas to me is a big event. Our compromise is we have started setting budgets for gifts for SD5 because my fiance always feels that I go a little over the top and get her too much.
When kids are little its not such a big deal but as they get older the presents seem to get more and more expensive, my fiances idea is that when SD is older then Christmas will include a stocking and either one large/main present or a few smaller items. Our christmas budget will be set on a yearly basis based on what spare money we have, because lets face it, it can rapidly change. To me thats a good compromise.
But we have also had the conversation about what about christmas when SD is with BM? I dont want MY kids having to wait to enjoy christmas, but also I dont want to be repeating christmas when SD comes to visit us the week after. Which is wear the stocking and a single main gift idea came in, so shes still got something to open, shes not forgotten but its not excessive, since ultimately shes with her BM more than shes here.
The presents thing will be an ongoing issue, my fiance sometimes struggles when we will go shopping together and I will pick something up for SD when we were looking for something for ourselves. But hes the type that walks into a shop wanting to buy something for a particular person and Im the type that if I see something I think the person will like I will get it and put it aside (but no christmas gifts before the summer, no space to store them!) so part of it is about how you are raised, whats normal.
If you look at it on a regular basis, theres 4 weekends in a month, two of which im assuming SD will be with you. So in my mind if you wanted to do a little spa trip with your bio one weekend, then on one of the weekends is with you take them to the cinema. It doesnt have to be the same money spent but basically so long as your not only doing things without SD your partner wont mind it. Where as if every weekend without SD you are going for fun filled weekends but with SD its always home all weekend, there will be a bigger divide and the moment your bio opens her mouth to SD and tells her what fun shes had, there will be drama.
But you seem pretty reasonable and well balanced so im sure you see that for yourself.
Ultimately, there is nothing wrong in providing "more" for your own child, there is nothing wrong in wanting particular outings or experiencing particular things with your bio, but so long as you include SD in any of the activities that would also be nice/enjoyable for her (IF shes well behaved because bad behaviour gets no special treats) then itll be fine.