Perspective from SM's who are also BM's
Forums:
I have a SD12. Have been with my husband for 8 years and we are planning on having our own bio. I'm currently disengaging from SD because she has issues that will be better dealt with by her father. I would like to hear how adding another baby to your family changed the dynamics for you. I am obliviously asking because I would like to be able to anticipate certain unforeseen situations if at all possible. Thanks in advance.
When you bring another child
When you bring another child in your home it is a new ball game. Your cannot allow your DH to parent your SD differently than you would want him to parent your bio. One thing you have in your favor is your SD is 12 and for the most part your bio will be too young to know what kind of parents your were to SD when she was her age. She will be 18 when your bio is 6 so hopefully it will not be to big of a deal.
Amen to that. That is one
Amen to that. That is one reason I'm happy to continue to wait to have our first bio. & because I'm only 23, but yeah. If SD is 10, I'll be 26, still a fine age to start having our own bios. & the age gap will be enough they won't notice that DH can't parent SD & her mom is a heathen.
Oh yes wait as long as you
Oh yes wait as long as you can! My DD and SD are 3 1/2 apart and I have to step in way too often because I have to show DD she can not get away with things SD has because of the BIOS
^^^^This is what I'm hoping
^^^^This is what I'm hoping for so that my bio doesn't pick up any bad habits from SD12. And I can have a more positive and enjoyable experience parenting with my DH vs. now! Right now it's just soooo un-gratifying and difficult.
Yes! I love what you said
Yes! I love what you said about the age gap in the children. I absolutely love that my SDs are now 22 and 19 while I have an 8 and 3 year old. The only thing my 8 year old struggles with is that she remembers when bad SD19 was nice and now she is confused as to why she is mean now. I am leaving that alone and when we talk, our kids know our rules. DH and I have also decided a while ago that no matter how hard things get we WILL work out our marriage because we don't want to create more disrespectful step kids or kids that can run to the other parents house when they don't like the rules in the future!
I will say though that my SDs were good big sisters until the one created a bunch of issues, her issues were NOT her little sisters. She loved them and I believe she still does. Both SDs were in the room with me during my last labor.
I do see what you mean. Right
I do see what you mean.
Right now SD has three SS from her BM (5,3,1) and she resents them a lot. I think because it took the attention away from her and her BM just did not handle the blending well at all. She has expressed multiple times she doesn't want anymore siblings very rudely....This is a big concern of mine.
^^^ like this too! DH and I
^^^ like this too! DH and I having our babies was a blessing also. DH always wanted to have an intact family and he got that with me and our girls. We vow to keep it that way no matter what comes our way...hey we survived the last 4 years with SD19 and all the hell she created. Their BM was doing what ever she could to turn them from their Dad when she felt it convenient to be part of their lives! When she learned about child support then she wanted them part time. So glad that's over
When BS1 was born, everything
When BS1 was born, everything changed. Both SS's really surprised me when it came to the big brother role. They all love each other. At first, being a new mom, I was very protective of my own bio. But as he got older and started walking and interacting, I eased up and realized that I am now the Mom of the house. I'm very lucky to have a supportive DH as well, so if I have concerns or think xyz should be getting done by SS's (just as they will be when BS is old enough) then he backs me up and enforces them. Since BS1 has been here we have corrected these behaviours:
Delaying bed time with all sorts of excuses.
Coming into our bedroom to ask a million questions that they know the answer to.
SS7's anger issues are now healthily expressed now that he knows BS1 will learn from what he does as well.
Cleaning up after themselves (to a point... But I'm still proud).
Sharing has increased immensely.
Food wasting (SS7 was a milk hog).
I don't want my son being raised by BM's by proxy. SS's can do whatever they're allowed to at their Mums, but here, I'm the Momma and that makes me feel good and confident
I am so happy things are
I am so happy things are working out for you. I hope that DH and I can show SD that it's not all bad when it comes to having a sibling.