At what point do you consider someone adult?
I'm getting married in 2016 and my SDs are 19 and 14. We are not close but are polite and cordial to each other. We always include them in any family functions (mine or his) and he texts and calls them pretty much every day. They live with their mother and only come to our house on occasion. Their choice and we do not push it. I did not have them on social media (blocked since the beginning of the relationship so I don't have to watch every little thing that I say because in the beginning every post I made they thought it was about them).
The day that my FH asked me to marry him he took his girls out for coffee after work (5 P.M) and told them his plans (This was Sept 16th). At the time they were fine with it..excited even. According to him. He then came home, asked me, and I said yes. The next day (Sept 17th) he posted it on his Facebook saying we got engaged on September 16th. Facebook in all it's wisdom generically assigns the time of 4:30 PM to a backdated event.
SOOOO DS19 sees her father's Facebook post that says he got engaged to me at 4:30. Texts FH and says that FH is a liar because FB says he got engaged at 4:30. And she is really hurt and was hoping that he wasn't ever going to ask me. He said that he loves me and I make him happy and that he deserves to be happy and we are getting married. She wishes it was to someone else...and the fact that I had them blocked on Facebook (she only now realized this from three years ago) makes her not like me even more. SD says she is not ever going to like me.
Ok..first I know this was a text between FH and his daughter..but I honestly didn't know it was private. We always read each others texts from other people and I didn't think that it was private...he left it there.
Second..on her birthday she excluded me in the birthday lunch...first time in three years...purposely asking her father that it was just them. And I'm ok with that. If she wants her birthday lunch with her father to be just them ok...and most activities since have been just them..and I'm ok with that too.
My issue is our wedding. This occasion is OUR occasion. His girls are going..will walk down the aisle with him at the start of the wedding. But that's it. SD19 does not support our marriage (obviously). I know that I am feeling a bit put out that she puts on a show when we are all together..smiling and happy like she is ok with it all. And I cannot get it out of my head that she doesn't want us married.
Am I wrong in thinking that they should not be any more involved than that because of what I know? I don't want FH to feel that I'm not including his kids...but I want this day to be about us.
I posted this here because at
I posted this here because at 19 she should be considered an adult...maybe
I posted this here because at
I posted this here because at 19 she should be considered an adult...maybe
Oh boy. I can just see the
Oh boy. I can just see the awkwardness at the wedding.
At 18, people are legally
At 18, people are legally adults, regardless of their own level of maturity.
I get very annoyed when my H picks up my phone and reads my messages. Even if they're from him. My phone, my business. If I want him to see something, I will show it to him. I never go into his phone and read his messages. And I'm always uncomfortable when he asks me to read something that wasn't meant for my eyes. But then again, I have a thing about privacy and it being respected.
Agree with LadyFace and Echo.
Agree with LadyFace and Echo. It will only get worse. As stated below, "Giving them power over your marriage is a recipe for disaster." Your future DH has allowed or at least implied they have the right to decide if and when daddy gets married, and he is already permitting them to set up dates with him alone during what should be family events. Message he is sending them: You control my life and my wife.
P.S. The stuff they always show on TV about moms and dads asking their kids permission to marry someone, and then it all being huggy, kissy, touchy, feely afterwards is NEVER true.
agree with ladyface 100
agree with ladyface 100 percent. what bearing do the skids on his life and who he marries? this gives them more of an inflated sense of how important they are.
for the record, when the skids were teens they demanded their father divorce me even though it would ruin him financially. they were mini wifes and saw me as a rival for their fathers affections. to say the least this was unhealthy.
at some point dh found his testicles and backbone and he did not file for divorce, but it was hard on me and my relationship with him.
If I was a bratty teenage
If I was a bratty teenage girl and I knew that it was my stepmoms responsibility to win me over, I would throw all sorts of obstacles in her way just for the fun of it.
Be kind to your SDs, but realize that you do not need to 'win' them over. You do not need them to accept you.
Giving them power over your marriage is a recipe for disaster. While you do need to accept them, you do not need their approval to marry their father or to do anything in your own house. They are kids, you are an adult.
The 19-year-old just needs to get over herself.
I also agree they shouldn't
I also agree they shouldn't have been consulted about the engagement. That spells trouble.
My SD was 16 when we got engaged, and just turned 17 when we married. Not only did DH not consult her about getting engaged, when he told her, he simply told her how it was. He didn't ask her how she felt, just informed her. It gets better...we didn't invite SD to our wedding. We had a destination wedding, and didn't want to babysit her, so we didn't include her. We did have a picnic for all of our families when we got back and did include her in that. I think that was the best thing we could have done. We didn't make a big deal of the wedding to her, and while she wasn't thrilled with not being asked about her feelings, she got over it. DH made it clear that he is the adult, and she has no say.
My DH also never allowed activities that did not include me unless he and I decided I didn't want to go along. Pretty much the only thing I wasn't included in was when they went car shopping. If she gave attitude, then she didn't get to see him.
SD and DH have a bit of a rough relationship now, but I always kept her at arms length but friendly enough, and now that she is finally acting a little more grown up at 24, we get along fairly well. She's not my friend, but she feels kind of like a niece. Only I don't love her like I love my niece! }:)
I say elope! Nip it in the bud and enjoy your day with skids!
We did Vegas for this very
We did Vegas for this very reason.
All of this. Now, normal
All of this. Now, normal guests that do have a vote or any part of this union except observer.
When they are working and
When they are working and fully supporting themselves.
Thanks Skeeter! That's
Thanks Skeeter! That's pretty much where I am in my thinking but wasn't sure if it was being too selfish. I know that when we decided to get married that it also involved his children to an extent but how far that went we didn't know. Now I do!
Thanks Skeeter! That's
Thanks Skeeter! That's pretty much where I am in my thinking but wasn't sure if it was being too selfish. I know that when we decided to get married that it also involved his children to an extent but how far that went we didn't know. Now I do!
What is it with the skids
What is it with the skids that continue to be tied to their parents umbilical cord and resent anyone that comes into there parents lives. It is hypocritical for her to walk her father in the ceremony if she is objecting the marriage . Please reconsider that procedure. She will take it as if she was asked permission for you to marry her father and therefore has consented by walking him down the aisle. Are agreeing to this because it will make you happy to have your wedding this way or to please your sd?
Good point, enuf. I agree -
Good point, enuf. I agree - SD has no place in your wedding. Has DH consented to this with SD?
No he hasn't said anything
No he hasn't said anything either way. He doesn't know that I know SD objects to the marriage. He told SD in the texting that he loves me and IS marrying me regardless. The idea of his girls walking him down the idea was totally for his benefit and a way that I could do something for him..Had nothing to do with his kids feelings. I just wanted opinions on weather or not I should include them more. I don't want to at all so I have decided that will be the extent of their involvement. It is for my FH feelings..not theirs.
Has it ever occurred to you
Has it ever occurred to you that her little still-mostly-teenager brain had a shit fit and she threw a tantrum when she learned of this big change, but that it might not be COMPLETELY how she feels? Maybe it was how she felt in that moment as she was lashing out in her raging text, but maybe not 100% of her feels that way? Or maybe she feels differently now that she has gotten used to the idea of change?
I get it- it was a shitty thing to say and an even shittier thing to have to read. But haven't you ever JUST ONCE said something in anger or upset and then later realized you were overreacting or being a shit? Because I know I sure have.
So why not act like an adult, treat her like an adult, and stop playing these stupid juvenile games that are honestly just as shitty as she was?
Next time you see her, just tell her nicely that you know all change is hard, and that you know she hasn't *always* supported the idea of her Dad remarrying, but that you hope she's more at ease with it in now and in a better place with it because you two really love each other, and you both want the girls to be happy for you.
If she's still a shit, THEN you can rant.
furkidsforme...Of course I've
furkidsforme...Of course I've said lots of things in anger and regretted it. But she doesn't speak to me since..only when I speak to her. When we are all in the same room the conversations are with just her father..not me. And that is her choice..not mine.
They don't know that I know what she said and at the moment I don't plan on telling them..it would only upset SO that something has upset me about the wedding. It is very important to him as well as me. HE wants everyone to be a family..just his kids don't want me involved.
I haven't said anything out of the way to her at all..so there is no Juvenile games..just a little rant on here to get it out of my system. Thanks for the support!
My sd would have done
My sd would have done anything to ruin our wedding. Like you said, this is a day about you and your dh. I didn't want the stress of worrying about what kind of little fit or tantrum she would throw. I told my hubby that I wanted a destination wedding/honeymoon. No one was invited to the wedding that way the sd couldn't whine that we excluded her alone. I was able to enjoy our wedding and I do not regret it one bit. When we got back, we had a small reception and invited all the family. I think this was the best way us to handle this situation. Good luck to you!
My sd would have done
My sd would have done anything to ruin our wedding. Like you said, this is a day about you and your dh. I didn't want the stress of worrying about what kind of little fit or tantrum she would throw. I told my hubby that I wanted a destination wedding/honeymoon. No one was invited to the wedding that way the sd couldn't whine that we excluded her alone. I was able to enjoy our wedding and I do not regret it one bit. When we got back, we had a small reception and invited all the family. I think this was the best way us to handle this situation. Good luck to you!
although 18 is the legal age
although 18 is the legal age of adulthood, i dont use that guideline at all.
dh, in defending the skids and their crap, used to say they were only kids.
if a "child" is having sexual relationships, they are no longer kids. if they can have adult relation ship and make threats to their fathers wife, they are no longer kids.
and at 18 you can show them the door.
Sue Facebook for the
Sue Facebook for the emotional distress they have caused you!