To record or Not to record

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Ok so I am tossing around a idea in my head about recording the sit down between my DH and SS when he "talks" to him about what happened at the wedding. They (SS and his Bride) have asked DH if they can come visit him for labor day. I figure I should be polite and excuse myself to wally world or some other errand I might have. I want truth and I know if I am not here that they will talk openly with DH.. Have any of you done this? Did it backfire or set you on a new path? I do not want any more surprises so I figure if I record it, then I will know for sure what my next path is.

Or is this a control issue on my part??? I don't see it as a control thing, rather a truth thing because they lie so much and about stupid petty things so I figure they would tell him because they feel like he would not tell me what is said. This all just bothers me on both levels.. 1) that I want to do this.. But 2) I need to know the truth... Oh my crazy head LOL One day I am going to just drink this mess out of my life LOL

If you are planning on

If you are planning on letting anyone know that you recorded the conversation, you need to find out if it is legal in your state to record a conversation that you are not a part of and that no one else knows is being recorded. In most states, either one or both of the people in the conversation have to be aware it is being recorded.

I think it is illegal if I

I think it is illegal if I intend to use it without their knowledge. But I am not planning on using it in any legal way. It is just to see the truth for myself and then to be destroyed. Not sure the wording on this can be tricky with laws... I just want to hear the truth for myself, I also know that Skids have called their BM and let her listen to me talking to which I never consented to eaves dropping in my home.. So I am not sure on this.. Just wanted some opinions..

Aren't you going to watch it

Aren't you going to watch it without their knowledge? Personally I think that this is breaking their trust in you even if you don't have any trust in them, why stoop so low? I think a better use of your time would be to try to work out why your husband lies to you and what you want to do about that. In the end it isn't the content of the lies that really matter but the fact that secrets are being kept from you and lies told to you by someone you should be able to trust.

I think you are

I think you are misunderstanding my post. It's not my husband who is lying, it's the kids. I can't trust them, they lie to my face, they lie behind my back, I can't trust anything they say. If he is lying to me, this would show that also and then I could deal with the situation. (meaning I would walk away).

The main point is to see or hear it for myself. That way I can do what I need to do. It's self preservation I guess, but I think I have a right to know the truth if they are to be in my house around me so I can protect myself and my family. They have already broke my trust by coming here and secretly having their mom on the phone with it in their lap so she can hear everything I say in my house.

Do I not get the right to protect myself from this kind of stuff?? Again the laws are grey here. I am not planning on using it in any kind of courts or to publish it anywhere, I just want to know for myself the truth or what they say is the truth of why they did what they did at the wedding.

I would assume it's like

I would assume it's like putting Nanny cams in the house? That's not illegal so I don't see the difference... I just don't know because it's a grey area of the law..

We do talk, but as a guy, he

We do talk, but as a guy, he does not recall most of the conversations he has. It is something I said "I was toying around in my head" under the thought of if you want to know the truth about something, you search out the truth. Knowing the SS and new DIL will both lie if I am there for the conversation I was thinking "a fly on the wall" type thing would be my only option of knowing the truth, NOT that my husband would lie to me, he just would not recall 95% of the conversation.

It is a control thing for me to want to know the truth?? because I tell my husband everything, even things he does not want to know, BUT I am honest with him about anything. I feel I deserve to know the truth after all I have put up with and what is to come in my house with the other child coming up now to start more drama. I would tell my husband that I did this, IF I was to actually do it. Again, it was just something that crossed my mind and I wanted others unbiased opinions, which I have got here.

I am not trying to invade my husbands privacy with talking to his son, I want the truth of why the things happened that happened that day pertaining to me. I really do not think they will tell him the truth. It's a sad world we live in when you can't feel safe in your own home, can't trust that your home is a a place that you can be yourself without fear of your conversations are being listened to by a ex spouse and you have to be on egg shells about someone there to try and destroy your relationship.

It will all work out either way, but my stress level and anxiety about being treated this way is high right now.. That is why I am here to vent my frustrations and ask for advice.. But even with that, I now feel like my thoughts are being judged because people now think I have no morals. I do and truth and respect are high on my list. If you can't show me the same truth/respect why I am I bothering? If I had no heart, why would any of this matter? I have no way of answering this, except to say I have loved too much and too long. Maybe it is time to just not care about anything and be a shell to life...

Frustrated

Wish they had a LOVE IT

Wish they had a LOVE IT BUTTON LOL

I don't know, Echo. I agree

I don't know, Echo. I agree with everything you've said and yet I have a differing perspective.

To the OP: Before going down this rabbit hole, give some serious thought as to what lies behind your own motivation.

My own DH barely remembers what day it is (yet always knows if we have cookies in the house) so I know what you mean about not getting a good report. It is very frustrating, especially I tend to recall most of my life in great detail - conversations almost verbatim.

And I understand that you believe that the 'truth' will clarify matters. But it won't.

Why does your skids' opinion of you matter?
Why would you risk your relationship with your DH by being deceitful to get negative information about your skids?

I read further and know that you thought this through and decided not to pursue it. But I still think it's worth it for you to ponder those questions. For me, I'm most curious about whether you see your role in the 'war'. Which you have in some way, just by giving one or two sh!ts.

I know I have not the best

I know I have not the best person in this situation either... When the kids were younger and came to me about their BM and SF I would tell them what I thought they should do, but usually it would be something like "you need to tell your BM how you feel, They should not be treating you this way, you are not a slave and everyone should be doing their part in the household." On my part giving them advice never got anywhere because each visit it was something if not the same. It was not until recently (last 7 yrs) that I realized, they were going to her with things and telling us things to get what they could out of each of us.

The oldest was dating someone for a few months before he came clean to anyone. But because we paid his cell bill, I knew he was because we kept getting charged for overages and I went in to the bill to see who was doing what. Sure enough SS was talking A LOT. Blowing our bill up because girlfriend had another plan. This is when girlfriend got involved... Then it was like high school.. SHe had talked to SS a lot and then called me because this kid was in tears at her house, (he's 21 now and her 31) she said that he was so confused because the timeline did not make sense. So that is when, he turned from kid, to something else to me.. From everything his mother had told him and he had told GF she said it did not make any sense what she was telling both him and now the GF... This caused a lot of issues because then I had (well did not have to) but did tell our side of things. So according to ex wife, DH and her were trying to work things out when I was married to hubby and her married to the cheater. She did not know he got married at all, even though she seen me when we came down for his grandmothers funeral. Then when she found out she was preggo with her daughter... Well considering she signed the papers for him to have a vasectomy while she was married to him, and it was on hubbys medical file and I knew this, I had to set her straight. Not to mention we had been married over 2 years when she got pregnant and had been dating 2 years prior to that. Then it was on to the kids had never seen any of the CS because they were under the impression he had not been paying support, although it was court ordered and came straight out of the military and we never saw it, but she was very much one who would let us know considering the incident at the beginning of our marriage. (She claimed I bounced hubby's account and her CS check bounced) But He had to set her straight because I was not on the account and that was the info she was fishing for. Anyway so I set all that straight.

**This is when I really started loosing my mind all the other stuff was annoying but now she has another person involved and there comes more drama to the situation**

Then it was the GF and SS wanted to visit together and we had planned a vacation around the same time Last July. Well ex got mad about it because she told GF she was depressed because she wanted to go with my DH and the SS and GF... She told the GF a bunch of stuff and the GF felt SS deserved to know the truth... So she confronted me with everything on the first time I met her and on my vacation no less...

So yes, I was livid and set her and SS straight with DH right there. Again, she could not understand why the two stories were not adding up.. Well anyway I blew up last year and told them that this was ridiculous, and I have been defending my marriage ever since.. Before it was just crap I could ignore, but now, its like a constant issue and I am tired of fighting for people to see the truth.

Yes, I am not perfect, but, when it comes to my life, I know what I did or did not do.. And to have this BM try to convince this gf that my hubby was cheating and had a child, which I know is not possible I have been on the defense... I can't help it. THey are driving me INSANE!!!!!

I don't have all day to type everything I have been through, it would take 16 years and it would be never ending... I just want to get to a place where I do not have to deal with the petty childish head games that these people are all about...

I really want to be gentle

I really want to be gentle with you, because I can 'see' that this is causing you a lot of distress.

But I don't know how to be gentle and direct at the same time. And I think it's more important to be direct about this. So please know that my intentions are kind.

You said: "I just want to get to a place where I do not have to deal with the petty childish head games that these people are all about..."

You ARE at that place. YOU are the one who chooses to deal with this stuff rather than walk away.

I understand that you don't *feel* you have a choice. But you do. And your homework from me is to remind yourself of that.

You will know you are being sucked in whenever you feel tense, anxious, angry or frustrated. So that's your cue. STOP!!! Feel those negative feelings and then do nothing. You deserve to put this energy into making yourself happy. These people do not deserve your good intentions, your explanations, your time or your energy. They are adults with poor manners and they love to keep you dancing to their tune. So dance to your own tune.

Thank you, I do know I need

Thank you, I do know I need stiff harsh love and support right now. I do know it is my option to turn it all off, but it's not working for me this time and I don't even understand why... If it were any other time in my life I have always been able to shut out the crap or walk away... This time, I just can't. I don't understand why I let them into my head...

Years of this mess I am supposing...

That is a great way of

That is a great way of looking at it and dealing with it. I was doing good until we retired from military and then the ex, not the skids had to call or text every week while I was in one state and he was in the other. It was almost weekly until the day I got to the same state with hubby.. She knew I would see it on the bill and that was her goal, to make me think something was going on.

But I am working on this, trying to stay busy and not care. We do have this site and it's great because we all understand each others situations, where as our friends and family, do not understand.. I will be here a lot until I get back to "normal" LOL whatever that is ,,,, Ha ha ha

With that said, I work EVERY

With that said, I work EVERY day trying to not care what anyone thinks; that is difficult.

You and me both!!! If you find a way to not care, PLEASE enlighten me because I need some lessons right away!

dupe

*

**All I read was you talking

**All I read was you talking about the SS who goes to the mall so his BM can talk to your husband. I didn't exactly get how they manage that, but the skid isn't the one I'd be concerned about when my husband sneaks and talks to BM.**

Because I was on the couch with him when they did this.. My husband did not have to sneak off, I may have not worded it right in my post/comment or blog entry.. Emotions have been running crazy so yes, it may not have came out the right way.

I think you need to talk to

I think you need to talk to your husband, declare once and for all that there are to be NO secrets between the two of you!

SO used to keep things from me to prevent blow ups between us. It took a long time and a lot of conversations for each of us to understand each others positions.

Yes, I did blow up when/if he tells me certain things; convo's between he and BM, changes to schedule to suit BM even though it messes with our plans, etc etc. I blew up so bad that it has affected my mental health. So I can understand why he'd want to prevent that. But keeping things from me was THE WRONG WAY. that only created ANOTHER issue for me to be upset about.

He has finally realized that by keeping things from me, regardless of his 'good intentions', he was being a deceitful partner. Being deceitful in a relationship fractures the foundation and leads to MANY issues. He also admitted that he was being a coward and that he would prefer to be in a relationship where we can talk about hard things, being open and receptive is a valuable thing. We both want that.

We have had to work on finding the balance, both being mindful. He needs to give me the benefit of the doubt that telling me won't necessarily result in a big fight. I need to appreciate him for being honest and bite my tongue. (sometimes I still get upset and angry, but while I'm ranting I apologize and ask him to allow me to release the dragon for a bit, once calm, we discuss the issue as adults.)

However! With you being at this point, if you feel the only way you will get the truth, is by recording them... then just be mindful about what you will do with it. You're fighting deceit with deceit, that's a low place in a relationship, but if he hasn't met you half way at this point... then yeah, I can see why you'd resort to this. It MIGHT be a wake-up for him, or it might go all kinds of wrong ways.

Sally, I have thought about

Sally, I have thought about everything, had no sleep... My morals would not allow me to do this without my husband knowing. I am not that kind of person who would deceive him. It was just something I wanted opinions on.

Thanks for the insight.

Help me get there too!!!! LOL

Oh my gosh!!! LOL I guess Rum

Oh my gosh!!! LOL I guess Rum is the same thing? Will start working on this! ~gotta go to the kitchen, in need of attitude adjustment... LMAO

StepAside, YOU ARE SO right..

StepAside, YOU ARE SO right.. I just wished I did not care...

"I'm not interested in what people say behind my back, and knowing my husband participates in it doesn't excite me either."

So no, don't record, for your own sake. If you'd like to work toward having your SS being less of a focus in your marriage and in your life, the worst thing you can do is invite his words and opinions into your mind.

Protect yourself.

Thank you for your words! I am not going to but I am going to need some work to make myself not care anymore.. Which is why I am here for guidance and help...

Also, What would you have

Also, What would you have said if the STBDIL came to your home and said, "BM wants to offer (my husband) the invitation of staying with the BM's MIL's house so he does not have to pay for a hotel, but she knows you (me) would never allow him to stay there" .... This was before the wedding and they were planning on me not coming to the wedding. But to stay at the house of the man you cheated withs parents????? WHo does that??? My husband said, "Uh NO! I do not know his parents, nor do I want to stay in their house, Why would anyone do that????"

I just laughed and said, that is the weirdest thing I have ever heard!!!

If you already know that you

If you already know that you can't trust them, what's the point? You say they have already broken your trust and lied to your face and behind your back. This could really backfire.

If you don't trust your husband to tell you the truth, I think you have a bigger problem than your SS and his wife.

"If I'm as bad as they say,

"If I'm as bad as they say, it's a wonder you'd want to be married to someone like me."

I have often WANTED to say that to his kids, but have NOT.... If I am so horrible and your mother is a saint, why did your Dad marry me and not go back to your cheating Mom???? But I ave NOT nor would I, its just a thought that plays in my head when they talk about how their Mom and Dad had the fairytale life....

Best one yet, I did not say

Best one yet, I did not say that or you took it out of context I meant your mom is a saint and I am glad she could not hold onto your dad LOL

I'm glad you decided not to

I'm glad you decided not to record them. I am left wandering though why you would let them back into your house after they clearly breached your trust and disrespected you in such a horrible way? The first step to getting them out of your head is keeping them away from your eyes and ears. Ask your husband to meet them somewhere else, your home should be your safe place.

I agree Beth, but we can't

I agree Beth, but we can't afford a hotel and the only other place would be their home where the EX would show up and the drama would get even worse. SHe was offended because when I married my husband, I had him return to her, all of her breast feeding pictures(she could not nurse but tried) and they took tons of photos of her trying. I simply said I did not need my children looking in photo albums of her with that. But of course this too was a strike against me because I was being petty and trying to cut her out of his life all together...

I really do not know many women who want to keep their husbands ex wives nursing pictures laying around their house... But I could be wrong on this also.

I am confused now. What is

I am confused now. What is the situation? Why would a hotel be needed? Why would you be paying for it? Can't they meet for dinner or coffee somewhere? Sorry if I missed some thing somewhere.

I'm sure the hatred of you started long before the breastfeeding pictures. It just gave her a good excuse as to why she doesn't like you. The ex's don't like to feel like they are being replaced. I would have burned the photos, you are obviously nicer than that to think to return them.

They live 3 hours away and

They live 3 hours away and come up whenever they want too. Because of hubbys schedule, I get two hours a day with him and every other weekend. He also works a later shift, so I am usually asleep when he gets home and I get up before sunrise so there is not much time.. So to try to throw in a visitation with grown adults who do not live in the same place.... Yeah another thing that does not bring any joy..

*** I would have burned the photos, you are obviously nicer than that to think to return them.*** I also asked for her to be taken off the bank account, it was in name only, she had no access.. Got tired of seeing her name as if she was still married and living in our new home together. THis was met with a huge show of calling to cry to him claiming I was trying to hurt her by pushing her out of his life and the old saying,"we have a bond you can never break" oh the joys of dealing with this one..... Not, but yet I am a horrible person who has taken her husband away from her, Mind you she was married and still is....

Warped, it is all I can tell you...

The "kids" don't need

The "kids" don't need "visitation". It isn't court ordered and it isn't a requirement or a necessity. I know you are trying to make life easier for your husband by continuing with letting them stay in your house but you need to feel safe and secure in your own home. At some point most people move away from their parents and see them less. Life moves on. They need to respect you and they have failed doing that, they are adults they should know better. When they did that they forfeited any rights to expect that you would do them any favors, actions have consequences. So it should now be up to them and/or your husband to work out an alternative. If they have to cancel the current visit that is planed, too bad. If they can only visit for the day then so be it. If they have to wait until he goes to visit them then so be it. If they have to save up for a hotel, that is their problem. It isn't your problem any more, they showed their colors now it is your turn to show them that you won't tolerate being treated like that. If you continue with the current situation, they will continue to disrespect you in your own home, it won't get better.

Why didn't he just toss the

Why didn't he just toss the pictures out instead of returning them? Why did BM have to know you had anything to do with him giving her the pictures?

Thus just seems like a passive aggressive way if getting to BM.

There's no reason why they can't meet in a park(free)or at a diner (cheap). It looks like everyone involved goes out of their way to create problems or complicate simple stuff.

Not when it's 3 hours away..

Not when it's 3 hours away.. It's complicated.

So they can each drive half

So they can each drive half way and meet at a diner. :?

They could do that, but they

They could do that, but they want to come here and us take them to dinner and buy them things as we are a ATM most of the time. Especially if they know we have something planned, they don't have any money when they get here... Its what I have seen the last 2 years...

My head is spinning... Why on

My head is spinning...

Why on earth do you care what their side of the story is, when you dislike and distrust them so much you don't want to be there for the conversation? How could their side POSSIBLY be of any benefit to you??? You clearly don't want a relationship with these people, so.... just... don't have one. You don't need a recording for that. :?

Ally, yes I am trying to

Ally, yes I am trying to understand it also. I just do not like my home being a war zone.. In a war that I am the only target...

Eh. I'm the one who will say,

Eh. I'm the one who will say, sure, if you have reason to suspect that your DH is breaching YOUR trust as well, I'd record it. But the point is that something should be DONE with the recording--if you find our your DH has been lying to you as well, are you prepared to walk away? That's really the only reason I condone recording a spouse for any reason, if you plan on confronting and resolving an issue in your marriage (which can't be done if the person won't admit to it without evidence) or ending a marriage.

Although, if you guys have a security system, it's good to go through it once in a while (DH has a video surveillance system with sound and video--you would not believe the things that we found occurs in the parking lot of our business) so you're kind of recording but it's a normal thing?

On a side note, DH had to record his convos between himself and BM when they met to talk about the pregnancy because she kept on twisting what he said and what she said that it made him feel like he was the crazy one, so he recorded it to get the actual words.

I understand your thoughts on

I understand your thoughts on this. I do not want to leave my husband, but if I thought for a moment that he was part of their lies, YES I would record. But I wanted to see what lies they were going to tell him based on what happened at the wedding. I wanted to see if they really would admit to stooping to what they did. But in reality, I know they are liars and I should not care, but I just wanted to know.

However, I will not, because I love my husband and like others have said, it could be previewed as a act of distrust. But it never stops one from wanting to be a fly on the wall and to know the truth.. Not the DH truth, but the truth of why they did what they did.

Excusing yourself to Walmart

Excusing yourself to Walmart or somewhere else is a great idea! Recording the "truth," just whose truth would you be recording? Skids have their version, DH has his and you have yours. Do you really think anything that they ever say about you will be the truth?! And do you really need a recording of their annoying whiny voices talking sh*t about you and imprinting their evil nasty words into your consciousness becoming a part of you? I would burn and throw holy water on a recording like that from ss30 }:) Wear a cross and garlic wreath to protect yourself from them!

I've been called loose, money grubbing, gold digging, trophy wife, father stealing, selfish, heartless, hateful and blah de blah. I finally told DH to not relay anything that ss30 said about me. If the Under Lord has something important to say he can say it directly to me. I told SIL that I no longer engage in the ss30/DH drama and change the subject whenever it comes up. ss30's "truth" just doesn't matter that much in my life. If I need to vent I come here, not to DH.

I've been called loose, money

It's amazing how much we are alike LOL I ruin peoples lives LOL They get all pissy when they start talking about their BM and I say, I don't want to hear about the golden saint that cheats ... Well the last part is in my head, but I am the bad person for not wanting to hear about when she is sick, when her and her man are fighting, when they are being a perfect couple..... Just anytime she is mentioned which is every conversation revolves around what she thinks, or what she wants... I am just evil for not wanting her in my home and because I wont let her get back with my husband...

But ya know what, today, I just don't care because today is good.. I have kept busy, uh umm with hubby.. I should have sent her pictures LOL just kidding video would have been fantastic lol

"the golden saint that cheats

"the golden saint that cheats ..." Ha ha ha LOL! No way I would want to hear about her either. Luckily the subject of BM comes up rarely if at all for me. Anytime it has I excuse myself to clean hard water deposits out of the toilet or something else more interesting. Glad to hear you and hubby have been getting on well

I would say do not record.

I would say do not record. Not because it's right or wrong or whatever. I say don't do it because you have better things to do with your life. Do not spend one minute of your precious life jumping through those hoops.

Let your dh handle his kids. You handle you. For the record, any adult skid who kept an open line in my house so bm could hear my every unguarded word is not welcome in my house again. Problem solved. Let dh figure out how to visit his kid without bringing him home. Let dh figure out a way to make you comfortable bringing that kid in the house again (he can always try, doesn't mean he'll get anywhere).

Just don't worry about this boy any more. When you have to see him at things like weddings, smile and nod politely then move on. Pretend you're the president and the Secret Service is whisking you off.

Don't record. It makes your life about griminess. Stand tall and just walk the other direction.

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To record or Not to record