>Q: What do you expect with regard to working out your own schedules and needs? What do you expect with regard to the degree of love, attention, and accommodation to your biological children (especially if you have full custody)?
Q: What do you think about our need for a degree of autonomy?
Q: Do you even notice/acknowledge that someone loves you such that they have willingly stepped in such a situation and taken on the burden that goes with helping you raise your children (especially if they are young and need lots of attention)? <

I think you are giving men (or this man at any rate) too much credit for thinking so much about these things.

My grandmother gave me the best advice. "Sometimes, you have to be a minimalist in your approach. If the kids are well fed, and the house hasn't burned down, then it was a good day".

Everything else is gravy.

my fiance defintiely doesnt think at this level.

all i get from him in terms of need/expectations regarding my SD14 is that "we all just need to get along" and that i need not ask for too much (in his mind, asking for her to use her utensils rather tahn her hands, and demanding common courtesy, respect and manners is asking too much). so i disengaged, adn i have little to do with SD and usually avoid her or home entirely when she's there. tough for you tho, because the kids are always there.

my advice is that this wont get any better. id think very, very long and hard about whether you want this forever by marrying him.

Not a man either but wanted to pipe up that in my experience the first 3 months was by far the hardest. This is the time when two old ways of life have to be reborn as a totally new way of life. Not immediately apparent at first, you both just keep on truckin' and there's inevitable clash. This is the phase where you find out if you can problem solve together and still come out smiling. Very important time. Much gnashing of teeth goes into it, though.

Secondly, yes, he needs to be nurturing the relationship. My dh does this a lot which is a big key to our still being together. So yours should, too. But if he hasn't figured that out yet, he needs to.

In my experience, stating your needs is more effective than most everything else. "I feel my romantic feelings are getting lost. I feel more of a stranger feeling with you every day instead of a closer feeling. I feel odd climbing into bed at night with someone who feels like a stranger from the rest of the time." Etc.

If he's the fab guy you thought he was when you picked him, he will work on this and not want to lose you. Just work on statements that don't involve "your kid this, and "your kid that!"

Make sure you are heard and on his radar screen. Avoid fading into the general hum of life. He will think you are a well oiled valve until the day you crack your sprockets and leave. Squeak often. Make sure he knows you need the oil can.

This is what I have learned along the way- your relationship must come first! If you are good enough parents, and it sounds like you both are, your kids' needs will always be met. However, the same cannot be said for a relationship unless there is a conscious effort to do so. You need to take time to be together outside of the bedroom, you need to continue dating each other. All day it cannot be about cuddle with kids and talk with kids and play with kids, there must be some time for cuddling, talking together as well. It is ok to say no to children, it is ok to say it's grown-up time. In my experience, single dads have a big problem with this. It seems to stem from the fear of being labeled a "dead-beat dad." They are 100% focused on being dad and have little time or energy for anything else. That's great and all, but it reeks havoc on a relationship. Your SO needs to find a balance with you, but he may not see that there is an imbalance if you don't speak up.

The downside to this is that he may not agree with you. His kids may really be his only focus and while he loves you, your help is what is most necessary for him, not the companionship. I say that from experience. Not with my DH, but the relationship I was in before was a nightmare and I fought like hell to make him put us first. It never happened and it was a giant waste of time and a huge heartache when it was all said and done. His daughter was like my own and I still miss her to this day. Before you become anymore committed you should try to determine what is more important to him when it comes to you, your help or your companionship, so you can decide what to do from there.

I don't think there is any "one size fits all" in any relationship, especially those with SKids