Guys Perspective?
How would you react in this scenerio....
You just moved into your SO's house a few months ago and She has 2 kids (6yr old boy, 3yr old girl) f/t. Things are coming together nicely. You and your SO are establish a nice home together. You just found a job in town so you could be home more.
So your BM has just decided she would like to start a week on week off routine (maybe 2 week on 2 week off) with your guys 3yr son. Currently you see your son once a month for a few days to a week
You can tell from the few visits that have happened your SO has very little tolerance for your child's temper and how he interacts with her children... everything is his and he doesn't want to share or keep his hands to himself. However you do notice her two children kinda band together and leave your child out of activities.
You know that BM is ridiculous and currently trying to scam the government claiming your child has autism. You know your child isn't autistic... he just isn't getting the appropriate attention from BM. Also you suspect she is pregnant and due in the near future and tends to careless about the previous child when the new one arrives. So she sees your new home and job as an opportunity to step out.
Your SO agrees to be cool with your child coming every weekend. Even though his behavior isn't the best she hopes that with more visits he will adjust to the behaviour expected at the house and begin to play nicer with her own children.
However your BM is pushing for week on week off. Your SO won't be pleased. So you have a discussion... she agreed that you guys can start that routine if you must... but... If this happens she is going to want your relationship to become open.
Your SO brought up in the past she does want to experience having an open relationship but thus far the topic had been swept under the rug... now it's becoming an ultimatum.
Guys perspective?? Thoughts?
Not a guy, but DH and I are
Not a guy, but DH and I are polyamorous.
Never, EVER should being in an open relationship be used as an ultimatum or a bargaining chip. If someone wants to be in an open relationship, then they need to say that. If their closed/monogamous relationship isn't giving them what they want, they need to end it.
This is NOT a healthy behavior or reaction. This is manipulation. Being a SP comes with the possibility that custody will change and kids will be around more frequently. That is entirely independent of how the adults decide to structure their relationship.
So, IMO, what is being requested is utter crap. How dare someone dangle the custody and visitation of a child alongside the want of an open relationship. That's twisted.
Also, for those who may want to give me hell about my relationship choice, don't. You won't change my mind or make me feel bad. However, I am happy to answer respectful questions.
Are you the one trying to get
Are you the one trying to get an open relationship here or are you the guy in the equation and using your SO's account?
I like to know who I'm talking to.
Either way, using a child to bargain your way to having an open relationship is a truly crappy thing to do. An open relationship will only work if you both agree that it is what you want, not if you bludgeon your way to getting it.
I will defer to LD on the
I will defer to LD on the relationship advice for the most part, but I would have some small nugget of insecurity that your SO is only with you for the "financial" security part of the deal..
Now on to the SKID part of the equations.
1. You need to parent your son. You admit he doesn't play well with others.. that he has temper issues. You need to supervise your son and not leave it for your SO to referee it all on her own.
2. Get your son tested yourself or be cooperative with his mom. Just because your kid isn't rocking on the carpet and mute doesn't mean he isn't on the autism spectrum or doesn't have something else going on that is making it hard for him to behave. You owe it to him to support his mental health and help him to deal with whatever issues he may have.
3. You and your SO have to have a meeting of the minds about a lot of stuff. Like her kids are there full time.. your kid being there in a home you are financially supporting should not be an issue. Of course, the financial breakdown of what you each contribute could change.. her paying 3/5 and you paying 2/5 of the costs for example would be fair. You need to be on the same page with your relationshp too. Is an open relationship something you will be able to deal with? If not, and she needs this... you aren't right for each other. Also.. who has responsibility for discipline? rules? How are they applied? There is a LOT when you blend families.. and so many people wing it with disasterous results.
You don't blackmail
You don't blackmail someone into an open relationship. That is a recipe for disaster. An open relationship is not a favor or a deal or any sort of quid pro quo. Either both partners want it or it won't work and resentment will fester. This is a terrible idea.
No to both the BM's WON/WOFF
No to both the BM's WON/WOFF proposal and no to the related open relationship threat from the current SO. Such a vehement no that I would end the current relationship and would move far enough from the XW/BM to make WON/WOFF impossible. This would facilitate a long distance visitation with my kid(s) which would allow me to have dedicated time with them with minimal interference from the XW/BM.
Everyone in this scenario is getting what they want at my expense. That ain't happenin.
And... I am a guy.