Biting tongue about BM
Ok, as I mentioned in an earlier post, my skids BM is in some serious legal trouble (innocent until proven guilty, I realize, but morally I have an issue with what they were doing guilt or innocence aside) and I know that as the SM I am NOT supposed to talk about the BM in a negative or disparaging way. I just literally don't know how I will survive the next 6 years sitting on my hands while the kids have been shown (to me, they have already lost b/c of their mom's choices whether or not she goes to jail and for SURE they aren't seeing a good moral example on her side) a terrible example and a sad example of "normal." Anyone else face a situation where they don't want to speak poorly of the BM but also feel an obligation to provide some guidance in a situation that could be emotionally damaging and isn't being handled all that well in your opinion?
You cannot and must not get
You cannot and must not get in to the BM is bad thing. It does not matter what they do or how messed up they are. To the children you smile and say hmm then leave it alone. The damage that can be done bad mouthing a BM to their biological child is longer term. Never mind how badly it can bite you and your H later.
You have to be very careful
You have to be very careful here. You have to talk to them about good morals and show them how to properly handle situations without bringing the BM into it. Being a good example is about the best you can do and hope that they pick up on it.
It's hard, because it's not always obvious to kids what the difference is, but you must not bad mouth BM or compare her to you or anybody else.
Just hard when she is telling
Just hard when she is telling the kids that what she did was ok and it is impacting how they will grow up and what they view as "normal." What she did is not and would NEVER be ok and it was immoral. We have already had to have the hard, ugly truth conversation with them b/c she has not been straight with them. They have phones. They can google. So DH was factual and appropriate in what he said. we have tried to explain that bad choices were made and you can love your mom but hate her actions.
It just burns me up. She really hurt people. How can I just set aside my values and opinions about it when the kids talk about it. Not ok. I think I will have to do the your mom mad bad decisions and hurt people. And that is what happens when you do XYZ. I hope you all can learn from this as you face decisions in your life.
Just really tough. I'm also giving her too much of my headspace worrying about it. She already knows that we are horrified. sigh. just tough.
I also think I will not attend any more of the bigger group gatherings (birthdays etc.- Husband can go, but I'm just not going to attend. That will be my boundary and if kids ask (they won't) i'll be honest about it.
B/c to me to act like nothing she did was wrong (no matter the legal outcome) makes me feel like I support her or condone her actions. I don't. At. All.
Don't want her in jail for stake of step kids but won't feel badly if she lands there b/c of her actions. A weird feeling to have for sure.
I know I can't really say
I know I can't really say anything and I won't and I haven't. Just TOUGH. Thanks for listening!
Good point!!
Good point!!
And I know. I have been way
And I know. I have been way over venting to my husband, which isn't fair. But I feel like he gets all sides of the story but doesn't share my rage. So just probably not a good plan of me. Time to call the counselor...
I do agree that good people
I do agree that good people can do bad things, but I don't agree that a truly good person engages in the kind of behavior that she has engaged in and that hurt so many people. It is tough. I agree re: the truth but without judgement. We had to give them the full story b/c it was in the media, and then DH checked their phone history and they had googled it. Teachers knew, friends knew. I believe that they deserved to feel that they were respected enough to be told the truth. which BM had not done for over a YEAR and then it hit the fan and so we had to go there.
Which he did. Just tough tough tough. A lot more than I bargained for.
OH well. I'll just take it as it comes and try to focus on the teachable moments in all this. That yes good people do make bad decisions (though with her I don't buy it-lots of people walk the line, don't break the law, don't hurt people and aren't as blinded by greed and don't risk it all like she did) and that those decisions can affect what others think of you (to have to defend yourself from a bad thing isn't a position you want to be in if you can avoid it by staying AWAY from the gray areas of life) and will focus on the victims and that we hope they choose a different course.
Again, so much of this rage I build up in my head and is NOT how I have ever handled with the kids. I have let DH lead the discussion. I have told them-hey if you guys need to talk, I'm here, and if you don't want to talk to me let meknow- we can get you a counselor. This is a lot to process. I even told them that for me, as an adult it is a lot to process so we get it. Anyways. Can't win. Can't win.