the custody evaluation- my experience
I am the step mom of a teen. We have tried to get custody bc of various fitness issues and because we do virtually all the parenting duties at our house. So we eventually got an evaluator.
biomom is very narcissistic. She blamed her daughter for concealing her mothers behavior. "she throws me under the bus whenever she can!" is what she told the evaluator, and the evaluator didn't see through it. Truth is that step daughter is terrified of getting her mom "in trouble" by letting it slip that she did something that broke the parenting agreement, so it didn't make much sense. She blamed step daughter for being sick (!!!!) and my SD had a break down during the home visit at her biomom's house, but not ours. None of it counted for anything.
The evaluators plan is basically to say "can't we just get along??!!" when obviously no, we can't. It was our 4th round of mediation, combined with various rounds of parental counseling and court and other frivolous measures to try and make things work. Biomom refuses to follow the agreement so what good is a new one?
I think it boiled down to the fact that the evaluator has a lot more in common with biomom than with myself or my husband. If you get an evaluator try to get one of the same sex as you, and possibly the same background. I am not saying that it would make things go our way, but it seems like it would have been a fairer evaluation if there wasn't so much religious bias in our area against families like ours. I was flabbergasted by the way that all the evidence I submitted was ignored. We were told to "forget the past" despite the fact that no remorse had been shown for past actions- they would very clearly happen again.
The court won't do a damn thing in light of this evaluation, and the ex is going to involve step daughter in any conflicts we have so my husband and I have decided to move out of state and hope that it limits the amount of bullshit that happens. Biomom is furious because she would have to do all the parental stuff if we moved away and she has never been able to do it without help. I feel like crap about putting my step daughter through this but there just isn't much else left to do, there isn't anyone willing to do anything about the neglect and the abuse we have recorded. SD is old enough to move out with us if she wants to. We are going to meet w her gaurdian (she already spoke w them about this) and do a last mediation and move away regardless of what happens. I doubt biomom is going to be able to handle a teenager so its probably a matter of time. And if not..well we tried everything we could.
Or, maybe the Evaluator
Or, maybe the Evaluator didn't see things the way you do. Maybe the possibility exists that, despite your opinion, your home is not the best full time home for SD.
Just because it is *your* opinion that you guys are "right" doesn't mean you necessarily are.
Nothing personal- just playing devils advocate. But you know the saying- there are three sides to every story? His, hers, and the truth??? This may be one of those situations.
The evaluator wants to keep
The evaluator wants to keep things the way they are, which is 50/50 split time, so you don't really know what you are talking about.
edited to add: I don't want to get into the details but there was enough danger from the men being brought around to cause the court to file a restraining order, so its not just me or my husband. its anyone w common sense.
Best thing we ever did was
Best thing we ever did was move 200 miles away from BM
Worst thing that ever happened to us - BM is such a loser she had her kid come live with us full time.
sigh................
How old is your Skid? I ask
How old is your Skid? I ask because we had a similar situation my my SIL. My wife is the eldest of 4. SIL is the youngest. My ILs home would have made for a great episode of Horders when SS was in her mid teens and was the only kid left at home.
We called CPS on my ILs because how nasty their home was and how unhealthy it was for SIL. CPS told us "she is a a teen and old enough to clean it up if it needs cleaning". That was as far as we got with our attempt to get some help for mY SIL.
As for moving, not a bad tactic. It worked for us. We never lived closer than 1200 miles to Sperm Land. My wife and I met in college during her first semester out of HS. As a single teen mom she was awarded sole legal and physical custody of the Skid. She moved without notifying the Sperm Clan and they did nothing to try to stop her. It was not until the grapevine informed Sperm Grandhag that DW was dating someone that they tried anything and though their custody suit was a PITA there efforts were to no avail. Sadly moving away from my ILs was also a good move. Keeping herself and her son away from the toxic Sperm Clan and her own redneck drama filled family was the best decision she ever made ... besides marrying me of course.
As the NCP your husband can move where ever and when ever he wants to. He can file for a change of visitation schedule. A long distance visitation schedule may be exacly what you need to get dedicated time with the Skid and start minimizing the manipulations of BM. Leaving BM to deal with the daily crap may also be just what is needed to get her to give up custody.
Unfortunately the entire family law system seems to be little more than engine to make mediocre attorneys wealthy. GALs, mediators, etc.... Mostly just a toilet to throw your money down as you try to protect your family and kids from a toxic blended family opposition.
Good luck.
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from as there is no point in having an agreement when BM doesn't follow it' we deal with this on a daily basis, years on end. It took six court appearances before she was held to the fire, and even then, she was belligerent about having to do what the CO said. DH also has 50/50 and we don't know how to make it work with BM. We also carry the weight of all of the responsibilities for the skids. I say we because DH and I have taken more time off work to help with skid issues than their BM ever has. She's "the mother" when it suits her and she has said that it is MY responsibility to help with the kids, but only on her terms (not that DH and I listen to her unrealistic demands.)
It is a difficult situation and I wouldn't say I know how to fix your problem, as we are dealing with the same thing. I can commiserate with you though. Be prepared for more issues if you move away; we have discussed this as well.
We've had a really bad go of
We've had a really bad go of things here lately with BM and now Stumpy, her douche bag on again off again boyfriend decided he wanted to threaten DH via text for calling BM out on all of her BS. We've been sitting on the court paperwork because we were hoping to get BM to agree to make some changes. I know you gals know how well that works! Our lawyer told us that we're looking at going the same route with custody evaluation and GALs. I'm terrified that we'll just end up in the same boat and SD6 is the only reason we're even in this state; DH and I are from different states entirely. Plus we're both heavily tattooed so we're worried that our evaluator will be just as bias.
I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this. I went through the same thing as a child and despite wanting to stay with my dad and begging the GAL, they left me in an abusive situation with my mother and stepfather. The system is so broken and it's the kids who suffer.