SD is here for her mid-week visit...
...and I'm going nuts. We have SD10 50/50, week on/week off, and on Thursday nights of the weeks we don't have (conversely, when we do have her, she goes with her mom on Thursday nights). I can't stand hearing her voice and hate that I never get more than a few days away from her. I'd wish they would cancel the mid-week visit but I enjoy the night off when we have her.
Anyway, I just get so frustrated when her dad doesn't parent her and I'm the one to catch all of her fuck-ups (and by "all," I mean only the ones that cost me money--like leaving lights on and running up the electric bill--or affect the safety of my cats, like her leaving the door to her disgustingly messy room open and my cats taking the rare opportunity to go in there and chew on any choking hazard they wish). She is 10 years old and she can't do anything for herself, and I have told her dad that if he wishes to have her over, then he needs to actually PARENT her so long as she is as incompetent as she is. She couldn't even tie off a damn trash bag (from at least getting the trash and food stuffs out of her room tonight that have been there the last few WEEKS) and worse, she just says "I don't know how" and has NO INCLINATION to try on her own. It's not rocket science and you are 10!!! Anyway so I tell her dad "you need to be her parent, stop leaving these things for ME to find and correct" and he says "ok, sorry." And he always IS sorry, and he is truly ashamed of how little he does to parent her sometimes, but ugh he doesn't CHANGE IT.
I'm mostly disengaged and he knows it. I don't care if her hair is a rat's nest and her teeth are thick with plaque (I say that now--it'll suck to pay dental bills later, assuming he ever takes her). I don't care if she only showers once a week and her grades slip. I only step in, like I said, when it involves money or (much more rarely) my cats. But then SO falls into this comfortable place where he can't see what's wrong with this kid when I'm not saying anything--neither can her mother, grandparents, or teachers, apparently. I don't know how more people don't feel shame and pity for this child.
UGH. Okay. I rarely vent on here but that feels better.
I hate to break it to you,
I hate to break it to you, but everything you named is just petty crap to nitpick a child for. They are all normal, everyday things children do, whether they are parented or not. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten onto my kids for leaving the lights on, food or dirty dishes left out, etc. And the cat thing is a little over the top. I've had cats my whole life and never worried about them choking on anything, and you know what? None of them did. I have a cat now and TONS of legos and Barbie crap everywhere and it has never choked. I used to do the same thing to my sd and expected her to be perfect. I still work on stuff with my kids, but it's different. I didn't love my sd so it came across as hateful rather than constructive. I suggest letting things go because they won't change no matter what you do. And it's just causing you unnecessary stress.
I'm glad your cat has never
I'm glad your cat has never choked--one of mine (my littlest one) HAS choked before. She, and the other cats, are MY (innocent) babies and I refuse to have them at risk because HIS (10-year-old) baby is allowed to keep her room a hot mess and isn't paying enough attention to her surroundings to close her door.
I understand that some of the annoying junk SD does is stuff "all kids" do. Doesn't change the fact that this is a venting website, and I came to vent, which I RARELY do despite the fact that SD does "typical kid" stuff AND "incompetent, coddled, underdeveloped kid" stuff. Sometimes I just need a release.
And it's not even about SD doing this stuff--it's that SO is totally oblivious to the stuff she does, and even though HE sets the rule (e.g., "turn lights off"), HE doesn't pay enough attention to her to see that she broke it.
Totally get the hamper thing.
Totally get the hamper thing. SD has one and yet it's so clear looking at her room that she just drops her drawers wherever she is standing.
With regard to lights, SO has started charging her $0.50 each time she does it. She gets a $2/week allowance and she loses at least $0.50 each week--sometimes more, but she definitely is much better about lights than she was before he put the rule in place over the summer. (We were going to Disneyworld and she wanted to keep as much of her allowance as possible, so it was a good time to institute the rule.)
SO and I have combined all
SO and I have combined all our accounts--I may be annoyed when his kid adds to our electric bill unnecessarily, but the bulk of our income is SO's, since I am in grad school and bring in very little money. When I say I only step in if SD is costing "me" money, I really meant costing US money. Just FYI.
It certainly doesnt get any
It certainly doesnt get any better when they get older. Lights on laptops on tv on. Doors open. Have to disagree NOT all kids are like this and it does depend on how they are parented. My kid and youngest skid dont do this - obviously my input. Elder skids not parented and run amok!
Yeah, and again, it's not
Yeah, and again, it's not even about SD's annoying habits as much as it is that SO doesn't pay her enough attention to parent her. I frequently wonder why he insists he wants visitation when he doesn't seem to ACTUALLY want her here, if paying her attention is any standard of measure...
Kids do this. It's normal. A
Kids do this. It's normal. A mom takes it in stride.,your H left their mom. So he has any random adult, and I can tell you my kids do it, I'm their mom. It's annoying, and it wastes money. So if I as a mom am annoyed,, boggles my mind how a man expects his girlfriend not related to the kids to tolerate it. Seems like daddy needs to run around turning off lights and whatever other normal typical,but highly annoying shit kids do. Or he could have stayed with their mom and let her handle it. Men want it both ways.
I don't fully understand this
I don't fully understand this response, but to clarify, SD's mom is the one who left. At 35, she took off with a 21-year-old boy and moved out.
What time is your midweek? I
What time is your midweek? I know how you feel we gave up our midweek it was too much back and forth for a 3 hour visit. .so i get a full week break:)
He picks up SD at school at
He picks up SD at school at 5:00, takes her to dinner, and is home with her from 6:00 to 8:45, then she's back at her mom's at 9:00. A full week's break would be nice, but when she is here all week, I REALLY look forward to that break on our end, too!
Interesting, I've never known
Interesting, I've never known the actual cost of any given light bulb, haha. I'm glad to hear it's lower than I think, but I am very frugal (being a grad student), and since SO and I have gotten together, my discipline--rubbed off on him--has paid off all his debt and his back-taxes, allowed him to buy a new car, boosted his credit score a couple hundred points, and paid for a Disney vacation without using credit cards, among other things. All that is to say, he appreciates the healthy state of our finances, so he can't be mad at me for getting everyone in the household to cut costs if at all possible.
Re: why do I respect someone who's not the best dad--I don't want kids of my own, and I don't much care how SD turns out, so I can't be too bothered by the fact that he's got dad issues (for that matter, BM sucks as a mom). I am madly in love with him, he is madly in love with me, and we have pretty much 0 issues that aren't related to SD. We fit. Less-than-perfect dad stuff would never make me leave him. Besides, in 8 years, we're much more in the clear, and we're going to move far away and be happier than ever.
Sorry for the mushy gushy.