So painful to always be ignored
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So we agreed we would make decisions about how we want things in our house to run. I don't want to be dictated to, and I have shown as much flexibility as I can without allowing BM to run my house from a distance.
So it turns out BM told my partner when he went to pick them up about a new routine she has going in the house. He instigates it tonight.
I don't even know what to say anymore. I expressed just before that I thought we would talk about things, and he's now just acting like everything's fine.
The worst thing is, I get eldest saying 'mom let's me so...'
When a skid says something
When a skid says something like that at our house my dh usually says, "thanks for letting me know." Then he carries on his business. This neutral response is just perfect. Not insulting the bm but communicating it has nothing to do with THIS house.
Speak up to your dh about how you feel on this. He undoubtedly has no idea you are stewing. It seemed like a good idea to him, he did it. He has no idea that you are feeling (rightly so) invaded by BM and demeaned by him. He does not know it. Speak up. Tell him you know he's just trying to do what's best for his family and he didn't do anything wrong but that for you to feel happy you need to know that this is YOUR house and you are a PARTNER with him. Ask him to talk things over with you before making these kinds of changes. And tell him when does something simply because BM said so, and doesn't even ask you, it makes you feel like you're the concubine and she's the wife. He should react to this pretty well, feel bad that he didn't think of it before, may be a tad defensive but not too much, and end up with saying he can see your point and won't do it again.
Above all, do not stew about it without telling him how to fix it. He can fix it. He just has to know it's broken first.
ETA: I see you did already extract a promise from to talk things over. My basic advice is still the same. Call it to his attention and tell him how it makes you feel.
Hi, I really appreciate your
Hi,
I really appreciate your advice. It's just that I cant stress enough how many times i have gently but firmly broached this very issue.
I don't know how much more clear I can make it to him.
The pattern seems to be that we say we'll agree things together, then he'll do what he wants and say sorry as and when.
He seems very very sorry
He seems very very sorry about it. Am i unreasonable? He's only human and is trying his best.
He's not sorry. He is
He's not sorry. He is playing peacekeeper, and he would rather piss off you than BM. He says "he's sorry" to you because you will accept that. He says "Ok I will make that the rule at my house, too!" to BM because she will accept that.
If you keep bending each time he disrespects you and goes back on his word, then he will keep doing it. I had to call my DH a LIAR to his face (he takes his integrity very seriously) and point out that when he assures me that house rules are made between the two of US, yet he goes behind my back and allows BM to create rules in OUR home he is LYING TO ME and BREAKING HIS PROMISE.
After years of torment, that was the *only* thing that ever got through.
He's not perfect, but when I point out that he is slipping up he quickly corrects now.
He's not sorry, if he was he
He's not sorry, if he was he would stop. I don't mean to be rude but you got to put your foot in his ass. He needs to be more worried about how you feel not his ex. And next time one if his brats says mom lets me tell them "Oh really? And do you see your mom here? I didn't think so."
You've got to stand up for yourself, make a scene if you have to. If you keep letting them walk all over you they'll never respect your opinion.
I'm going to play devil's
I'm going to play devil's advocate here a bit, because the devil is in the details....
On general principle, you're right. If it's your house, then you and DH should be setting the rules together. "No eating in the living room." "You make the mess, you clean the mess." "TV belongs to the adults after dinner time." These are all perfectly reasonable, rational rules which you should get a say in.
BUT.
You said BM has "a new routine she has going in the house". That's pretty vague, so I don't know that I support you're "right" to have a say here. What routine? "Teeth should be flossed and then brushed for at least 2 minutes"? "Bedtime is no later than 8 pm"? "Homework must be done between school and dinner time"? Because honestly, any of those I DON'T think you get a say in. These are not your kids, and those things do not affect you and your home, unless you are the one who's expected to supervise teeth brushing, bed time, and/or homework.
If BM and DH actually DO expect you to be the one supervising/enforcing, then that's a different kettle of fish.
Thanks Allyskoo. I don't
Thanks Allyskoo.
I don't think routine was the right word, it's more around discipline and also certain things they can have and can't have.
Discipline's been an issue because there wasn't any at first. I supported my partner not to be a Disney dad and things have improved a lot.
But I think we should decide together whether they are allowed candy and fizzy drinks or not for example. I live here and have to deal with the consequences of decisions. Another example - should BM get to decide whether they sleep in our bed?
Usually I am in agreement with BM's suggestions. What I take issue with is being assured by my partner that I'll be kept informed and given a chance to discuss, but then that doesn't happen.
My general rule of thumb is
My general rule of thumb is this: If it affects me, I get a say. Period, dot, end of story. And if you make agreements with BM ahead of time without me? Too damn bad, you'll have to go back to her and say "sorry, this is a decision Ally and I will make together". (Sooooo HELL NO does BM get to dictate that the children will sleep in our bed. That directly affects me and as such falls under the "DH and I must agree on this" rule. On the other hand, I do not get to say "well I want your kid sleeping in my bed and you can't stop me". Because that's just creepy right there.)
Things that do NOT affect me directly are a gray area, and one that I personally have deliberately chosen to stay out of. Soda? Treats? Whether they eat their veggies or brush their teeth? Not. My. Problem. And not my responsibility either. DH and BM are responsible - I'm not picking up their slack.
If you DO choose to be involved in decisions that do not affect you (like whether DH lets them eat a candy bar in your home), be careful. NO ONE will thank you for it. Not BM, not the kids, not even DH. Be ready and willing to NOT be involved if it does become too much a point of contention between you and DH. Let him succeed - or fail - in parenting on his own if he doesn't value your help. But don't let him put the WORK on you, while not giving you the AUTHORITY, which is sounds like he's currently doing.
Thanks, Ally. The way I've
Thanks, Ally. The way I've tried to see it is that if their behaviour affects me negatively, then I stick my nose in! Because certain things that happen in this house DO affect me. When we were in full-on Disney mode, I had to step in a bit and say I don't want to be a part of spoiling these kids rotten.
But otherwise I get involved very little in certain situations. I do not tell my partner to get his kids to brush their teeth, or read, or do their homework, or get to bed, or any of that stuff. My partner knows I am not a 'co-parent'. The only things I get involved in is when things become totally out of control, and I feel I need to make my partner aware of it. Because sometimes he doesn't even notice. Or when we've agreed to talk about something and he just goes and does it anyway.
Those are just examples
Those are just examples BTW...don't want to give too much specific detail
When my skids first moved in
When my skids first moved in I was afraid to stand up to them, didn't want to cause a problem. BUt when it started effecting my life and my happiness I stood up! Sometimes you just have to make yourself heard and when they argue u simply tell them "well that's the way we do i there and I am the adult youa re not". The hardest thing is to let them get mad and "hate" u. Trust me they appreciate u for the rules more than the y dislike u in the long run.
I felt that way too! I was
I felt that way too! I was treading on eggshells most of the time for fear they wouldn't like me. I have come to realise that we actually seem to get on better when I'm more myself and a bit more forthright.
Things seem to be a bit better now. My partner has acknowledged how I feel. I explained exactly how what he did made me feel, and he agrees that it was a dumb thing to do! I've said I want things to get better from here, and we need to move on from it but understand that stuff like this is why I can feel isolated and I want it to stop.
Like I said to my partner, I'm not asking for this house to be ruled like some sort of prison. That's the last thing I want. But sometimes it just gets silly. It turned out that my partner did initially try to do what we always do, then his son said "no, we do it like this now', and so my partner gave in! I said that I know he's only trying to do the right thing, but our house cannot be run by the kids, and that isn't healthy. I said I've noticed more and more that the kids say 'no' as if THEY are the parents and he the kid. He agreed about that and said that it wouldn't happen again.