Contact issues
My DH has an informal agreement to have his son SS6 for 1 or 2 nights a week. And in the holidays. My DH is a great dad and has been consistent with visits. SS has fun when he is here and he has a good routine going.
For the past six months BM has been contacting DH saying SS doesn't want to come here. We wracked our brains to think what was wrong and what we could do to make it easier for him. When he's here he sometimes says he doesn't want to go home. Is he feeling confused and insecure?
My DH went to pick SS up 2 weeks ago and found him hiding in his bed and refusing to speak. Eventually he opened up and said he didn't know whether to stay with BM or go with DH. My DH told him he didn't need to worry, and no one would be upset no matter what he chose to do. He decided to go with DH.
BM phoned last week saying he wanted to stay with her again. She said he misses her too much when he's with us. But when he's here he very rarely asks for her and when she phones him he often seems uninterested in speaking to her. I can imagine this would upset BM and cause her to feel a bit rejected.
I'm trying to unpick this for my DH's sake because I don't like to see a good dad not get to see his kid. It's not right but I'm not sure there is any blame to be placed. I don't think BM is purposefully trying to stop contact.
DH is wary of going to court because trying to force contact might make things worse.
He is 6. He has fun where he
He is 6. He has fun where he is and so just wants to stay there. My BS8 still does this sometimes, but it used to be ALL the time. If he was at my house he did not want to leave, would get to dads, and then would not want to leave there! At this age they are very "in the moment".
It sounds like your SO and his ex have a decent relationship. They need to talk about this, make sure they do not put pressure on the child - they tell him "we both like seeing you, but we also like you to see the other parent too. We are the grown ups and this is what we have decided". Me and ex essentially did this and now BS8 pretty much goes back and forth without too many issues - we also do pick ups and drop offs via school (with 50/50) as that seems to go easier for BS8, he does not feel he is "leaving" one parent for the other.
Make sure neither parent is big on the "I am going to miss you so much" at the end of a visit - this can lead to guilt on the child's part, which is not fair (and the way to explain).
Hope this helps
Nope, the Skid is fine. BM is
Nope, the Skid is fine. BM is PASing and manipulative. IMHO.
As others have said, why is a 6yo given a choice regarding CO'd visitation? More importantly, why is BM allowed to give an opinion?
The issue is that there is no CO. DH does need to get to court and ASAP to boot. A CO is the absolute best tool for controlling the blended family opposition and once a CO exists the toxic opposition has limited options to manipulate unlike BM under the current status who has absolute free reighn to manipulate and PAS as she sees fit. This is particularly true since your DH is intimidated by his X and will not be assertive in demanding the previously agreed visitation schedule.
Once DH has a CO BM complies with the CO or DH rolls up the CO and beats her about the head and shoulders with it. (Figuratively of course.)
Get to court!
IMHO of course.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your replies.
DH thought it could be handled/agreed on informally but it's not working. Our biggest concern is the pressure being placed on SS6 who my DH feels is really starting to struggle with the situation.
He has tried to explain this to BM but she believes she is doing the right thing by stopping the regular contact. We don't know what will happen from one week to the next. Sometimes she suggests DH takes him out for a few hours but it's always 'maybe' and 'we'll see'. Is it a power game? I hate to think it is.
My other SS3 still sees DH as agreed. But she doesn't want SS3 and SS6 being here at the same time? So DH must arrange to have them separately (if he gets to see SS6 at all). I don't understand this and as I don't have kids myself I'm afraid I'm totally in the dark about why this would need to be the case.
I agree with you on
I agree with you on everything you said other than that the CO will put an end to the problem. It will make her allow/force contact, but it won't stop her from making the kid feel guilty.
Thanks for this. It's good to
Thanks for this. It's good to hear it from a BM's perspective.
She has said that SS brings it up, but he says the same things at our house. This time last year he would cry and beg not to go back to BM's. It was heartbreaking to see him like that but over time and with support and encouragement it soon passed. I feel as though the same situation has arisen again, but in the opposite direction, and as a result DH is not seeing him.
BM might not agree with you about a son needing his father. In an angry moment she told DH that one day her sons will realise what kind of person he is (and therefore won't want to see him at all). My DH is a lovely person and a great dad. It breaks my heart to think what might happen.