Does anyone else's DH do this crap?
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I swear, my DH can be the sweetest man on earth. But when it comes time for SS to visit, the shit pot gets stirred. He blames me (because I make comments about boundaries, like keep him out of our bedroom). But he absolutely does not see his part in it at all. I believe we need counseling or we are not going to make it. I can only imagine the level of hell I would face if SS were around more.
It's like he sets the stage for a fight. I honestly think he likes to fight around SS. I just don't get why.
I've never been blessed with
I've never been blessed with having the damn urchins ever leave. We have them 24/7 except for the RARE occasional weekend, and that only started in the last 2 years.
But mine gets shitty if I say anything even slightly less than sunshine and roses about any of the SKids.
Mine gets super DEFENSIVE
Mine gets super DEFENSIVE too...ahhh I just avoid discussing particular parts of his life and his kids that trigger him.
He used to get defensive about his and BM's inappropriate boundaries...And when I told him it upset me or made me uncomfortable he would say "you and your ex do that too" even though it was not true.
So I finally told him, I can't watch this boundary issue anymore and I plan to make a very drastic change to deal with the problem, we haven't had an issue since.
"So I finally told him, I
"So I finally told him, I can't watch this boundary issue anymore and I plan to make a very drastic change to deal with the problem, we haven't had an issue since."
I don't know what you did to get him to change? What drastic changes did you put in place?
How long did it take? I'm
How long did it take? I'm still waiting for my DH to see that his son is a total shithead and its driving me crazy.
What your husbands are doing
What your husbands are doing is "projecting" their anger, frustration,...onto you. I had a friend and a therapist both tell me that you have to limit this. The way you do this is by allowing them to "see" what is going on with their own eyes. When you tell your DH things about your skids then he "shoots the messenger." He also then sees you as the person with the problem, not the skids. If you allow him to see the problem, then he really sees it as the skids' problems. It is really hard to do. It has been almost 1 year and I am finally seeing results. I initially did not know, but my DH has been especially mopey because SD20 has been spending time with BM instead of us during her break. He says that he is depressed because of this. I went to my therapist all upset, because I can't tell if this about me or his SD. The therapist got a big smile on his face and said "congrats, it's working." I asked him to explain. He says that he no longer has me to take his anger out on. In the past, I would try to explain why his daughter didn't want to come over, he never wanted to hear it. He would always say it was because of me,...now I say nothing or I am sorry that you are dealing with this,...And now he has finally admitted that he is angry with her. YIPPEE!! Now lets see if this continues.
I've always suspected my DH
I've always suspected my DH was projecting anger, but I'm puzzled by what he's so angry about. The divorce? The unfortunate conditions his precious baby now has to grow up under? I guess my problem is I feel like if I'm being walked on, I can't shut up. So my big mouth becomes the problem. I've done a pretty good job of disengaging, but I'm still inclined to say something if I feel wronged. It seems like the only solution is to just suck it up and shut up. Does this mean shut up even when you feel a boundary has been crossed? There is no "easy" way to broach the subject, because I know it is meant with pure defensiveness and anger.
We are 100% happy in between SS visits, after the dust has settled. We have never had even one fight about anything other than SS or BM. BM has become less of an issue since she remarried, but it makes me angry to think her marriage gets that respect, when ours alone did not. I realize more and more my issue is not with SS (even though I can't say I like him) so much as it is my DH and the way he handles everything.
i became virtually invisible
i became virtually invisible to dh when the skids visited. when he did pay attention to me he was critical. when i asked for my share of his time as his wife, he became defensive. it was really embarrassing for him when they had him by the nose and then disrespected him. now the skids are adults. when dh gets on my nerves i tell him to go to their houses.
Good to read and to know that
Good to read and to know that this is no just me alone! We get on really well...and then the skids come to stay. The same type of nonsence as all describe above. Here is what worked (and still works) for me. I make a huge effort to stay really busy with my own life when the skids are with us. Lunch, shopping, working out with friends, dinner out. It took a few months but FH started to see me distance myself emotionally and physically. He does not like it but they are his kids, not mine. He hates their bad behavior but he is the only one who can do anything about that. If he wants to raise ill mannered brats, what can I do? He has started to see the huge difference between my kids and how wonderful they are turning out and if you ask me, he cant stand the way his own kids act (like BM) but he does nothing to stop it. So why should I have to put up with brats? He keeps asking me to stay home more but the weekend that skids are with us, thats my "me time". I have explained to him that my time is too valuable to put up with brats and when/if he starts to parent them properly I will be happy to spend time with them all. We only have them EOW so our relationship is WAY better now that I have detached completely.
Mine steps into a phone booth
Mine steps into a phone booth and comes out "Disney Daddy" at the expense of me, as soon as he is around any of his kids. I don't know what it is about his girls but he changes into a monster for a husbands. I will avoid conflict at all cost when they are around because even when it has nothing to do with them, they will take his side and out number me. Fortunately, two are grown and one is only every other so that is the saving grace... at this point...
My good old Dad always says
My good old Dad always says "the chickens will come home to roost". Its not that I wish for my skids to turn out bad, but time in itself is proving that lack of discipline, and lack of good parenting is having a negative effect on kids. Five years in.......and I gave up even trying.