Ending Marriage - One Major Issue SS 15
I am thinking of ending my marriage, one thing that was a huge issue for us is my relationship with his SS 15 - I posted on here about a year ago, tried disengaging, and my husband holds it against me now I wasn't trying. He is talking ending relationship because I don't get along with his son, but I don't think he was the best parent or really stood as a united front with his son.
The SS comes to the house every other weekend and summers, and just plays XBox all weekend and doesn't talk to anyone unless spoken to first. He doesn't even say hi when you walk in room - nothing. He comes across as rude and aloof. Hygiene habits are bad, will not shower unless asked (will go for days). There are no chores or responsiblities. He doesn't say please or thank you. Dad just plays XBox with him, and doesn't really get him to go out only to movies, and out to eat once in a while for pizza. Then my husband complains when he doesn't want to come, and blames me because he doesn't like me. I've gotten mad and yelled a few times, and the kid cowers in the corner all dejected and says he doesn't want to come anymore, but then still does. Daddy never yells or corrects, and when I when to him privately and complained he said "you are too harsh on him"
I'm also thinking my husband argues how he gets so little time with his son with the ex and always trying to angle for more time, but doesn't do much with his son when he has him, that I don't think he's a good Dad. He doesn't text or call his son when he doesn't have him, and during weekly visits instead of sittingand having dinner he will take his kid to the movies. I'm thinking it would be bad to have any biological children with this man. When we were dating, he seemed to try more with his son. Over last 3.5 years of marriage, it is always getting worse. Has anyone ever got to this point before?
It's like I can't win - I tried to disengage and my husband holds it against me for not trying. I should be the adult and reach out, just to get crapped on and not have an opinion. I want rules and I want the kid to stop acting like he can do whatever he wants. Is that so much to ask? I want my husband to step up and be a real parent and try to bridge, the gap, is that too much to ask?
Not trying to come on here and just moan and groan - I'm more of a lurker but see others gone through the same things so decided to post. Other reasons I am thinking of ending the marriage, but this alone is kinda a nightmare.
Your husband finds blaming
Your husband finds blaming you for his weak relationship with his son easier than trying to figure out how to connect with a distant and aloof teen. He finds blaming you for "not trying hard enough" easier than confronting the fact that he is either too afraid to parent, or doesn't know how. He finds it easier to blame you for not having a meaningful relationship with his child than looking inside and self examining as to WHY his relationship is this way.
You are the scape goat.
I know it would be a hard conversation to have- and you might require the help of a counselor to have it- but I wouldn't stay with a man that I couldn't at least discuss the foundation of our relationship.
He has you set in a key position- the blame taker. It will ALL be your fault. All of it.
Oh I feel for you! In the
Oh I feel for you! In the beginning I had a GREAT relationship with my SSstb15 (he was 11 at the time) and that went to hell in a handbasket. The way you describe your SS is almost to a T what was going on with my SS after a campaign by BM and MIL. I considered postponing my marriage, and then in the last year and a half have considered ending my marriage because of SS MANY times.
I got my SS into counseling, and my DH and I also through DH's EAP program. SS was able to discuss freely and openly abut how he was feeling without a parent over his shoulder and worrying about feelings, and the therapist was able to get him to see some of the errors with his behavior. My DH and I worked on how to parent the kid. How I felt DH was not setting boundaries or presenting a united front, he talked about how he felt that I was picking on the kid or just ignoring him. We worked together and a third party helped him to see it wasn't me harping, that kids need structure and etc. I also had a not real pleasant conversation with my SS and laid it out on the table. I don't have to love him, hell I don't have to like him and that goes for him towards me also. BUT we did have to live together and we did have to be cordial, courteous and respectful to each other. I told him that we can just live amicably, that I won't worry about him anymore and not do anything anymore. (Basically disengage). And I did it. And he didn't like it...nor did my DH. But I held my ground. And soon SS realized that I wasn't going anywhere (his BM walked out on him, his brother and his dad when he was 6)and that I love his father and I accepted that he was part of the package that came along with that and I could wait it out until he was 18.
The therapy helped. A LOT. Both my SS and my DH (although DH backslides...often) made some changes and saw the situation a bit clearer. I wasn't crazy and being ridiculous (because a no biased third party was agreeing to what I was saying).
My SS has made a big turn around in the last couple months. My SS and I are currently on the road to a repaired relationship. We enjoy our time together. We do things just him and I. We just had a date on Friday night and Saturday he wanted to come grocery shopping with me!! There is hope, but it requires a lot of work, and there is a lot of heartache and tears along the way. I honestly feel for you. Hopefully you can get your DH to agree to do some of the hard work and save the relationship. I actually told my DH that
"He is your son. I understand that. You love him unconditionally, I understand that. What you need to understand is I DON'T have to love him. I don't have to like him even. I have the right to treat people how they treat me. We can fight and go around and around about this, we can end this marriage, but one thing you need to remember is that someday the kids will be gone, and then what? Is our marriage worth throwing away forever due to a temporary living relationship with your son?" It was hard for us, especially because we have primary custody of my stepsons. Good luck to y ou!
I hear ya. I too deal with
I hear ya. I too deal with the Catch-22 of trying to disengage, and then being blamed for the 6-year-old SS being distant. While my situation isn't as bad as yours is yet, largely because Skidly is only 6, I can see the writing on the wall and I dread it. I had an okay relationship with Skidly when DH and I started dating 2 years ago, but as soon as DH and I got married a year ago, Skidly started ignoring me. This is largely due to the nutcase BM telling Skidly that she and my DH were still married, but DH didn't live with them because he worked far away. I'm not sure if she's still feeding Skidly that line of insane crap, but I'm expecting that Skidly will need years and years of therapy as a result.
I have no problem with having a cordial and distant relationship with Skidly. However, Skidly won't even say hi or goodbye to me when he enters our house or answer a question when I ask him something point blank. And that to me is disrespectful. My DH stated that it was my fault because I don't go out of my way to connect with him. Umm, it's awfully hard to connect with someone who won't talk to you. And I've only ever been polite and courteous to Skidly. DH and I have been seeing a therapist about this, and the therapist agreed with me that Skidly should at least be polite to me. You should have seen the look on DH's face. He seemed startled that his precious snowflake doesn't really poop rainbows.
And now I'm dealing with Skidly giving me nasty looks, and making stupid, somewhat nonsensical comments about me that he thinks I can't hear and my DH seems (or chooses) not to hear. Fortunately, Skidly's on the slow side of things so it's never anything too harmful, just kind of dumb. However, since DH is not fully convinced yet that Skidly doesn't poop rainbows, DH still gets mad at me when I don't bother trying to do anything with Skidly or if I point out that Skidly is being a brat.
Therapy has helped a bit. If only to point out that the skid is acting like an entitled ass. Would you consider going with your husband? Sometimes it helps to hear things from an impartial third party, such as a therapist.
I'm really just waiting for the moment when Skidly becomes an outright obnoxious brat to me, and I can tell DH that he needs to visit with Skidly outside of our home. Because I know that not even DH would be able to tolerate that kind of behavior, especially since I'm nothing but polite to Skidly. This is definitely not the marriage I dreamed of, that's for sure.
What the what?! "I'm still
What the what?! "I'm still married to your daddy. That woman you see him share a bed with is a figment of your imagination. You should try harder not to see her cuz she really doesn't exist." *!#!!*
Your BM is now one of the craziest I've heard of.
Ha ha, that must be it. I
Ha ha, that must be it. I don't actually exist because BM said so
Yep. I thought it was pretty crazy too, especially since BM had already started dating her now fiance (who also used to be her boss). They bought a house together shortly after I heard that she'd been telling the skid this. It also happened to be a few months after me and my DH had bought our first house together and a few months before we were getting married.
When we moved into our house, Skidly asked if BM and her fiance would be moving in with us. This was shortly after DH got a new job and Skidly asked when DH would be moving back in with him and Mommy. So on one hand it's kind of heartbreaking, on the other it's totally f'd up. I firmly believe that it's best to tell the truth because people, no matter their age, will adjust. Better to rip the Bandaid off quickly than to let it sit as the wound festers.
I prefer to think it's because the BM is dumb, rather than absolutely crazy. And I don't believe that my DH endorsed or supported this viewpoint as he has very little contact with her, aside from her nutty emails and texts. BM was perhaps doing it out of a misguided notion of protectiveness? But it's been a total disservice to Skidly and an absolute fu to me
I mentioned this to the therapist as a reason why Skidly was being disrespectful to me and she said that it shouldn't matter because Skidly was too young at 6 to understand the situation. And I was like WTF? I'm sure that at 5 or 6 I was able to understand statements and what they meant for the most part.
Anyway, so it goes.
This behaviour is not unusual
This behaviour is not unusual for teens. My BS is 16 and he sounds a lot like your SS LOL. The difference is he my bio child and I love him.
How invested are you in your
How invested are you in your marriage? Is having children part of your life plan?
You're in a tough position, knowing that the man you married is not qualified to parent & is scapegoating you for his own shortcomings. I'd suggest you either try counselling for a set period of time, or cut your losses now & find someone would be a better candidate for Father of Your Future Children. And good on you for having standards.
My story can be the same as a
My story can be the same as a lot of yours, down to how my SS is treating me - can't mention it, have to allow myself to constantly be a doormat. Now I have been told by husband he does not want therapy, said he tried to get his son to respect me, and he doesn't see our marriage working over this. He started going out all the time when the kid is not around as well - so there is that factoring into play. But, when I ask what is up "It's the way you treated my son,"
If my husband did that, I'd
If my husband did that, I'd file for divorce. I'm sorry you're going through that.
I have come to the conclusion
I have come to the conclusion that SS are just as jealous as the SD when DH moves on with another woman. WE will never measure up to the royalty there snotty mothers are. If they would be good mothers they would teach them manners. I have a my own daughter13 and she has a stepmom as well. if that's what you call it. She doesn't have a relationship with her real Dad but whenever and if ever she sees them..my daughter is not RUDE! she has manners. Your husband must make a choice, not a side...he must figure out if he wants to be lonely for the rest of his life or be happily married.
I think he is making his
I think he is making his choice - he is going to end up lonely and I told him that...but I guess he is just looking at the now and not 3 years from now when SS is 18 and not around (he does seem like the type that won't come around much unless its convenient - lives in another state). Thank you everyone for replying.
now its your time to make a
now its your time to make a choice....I had the similar problem with my DH in the beginning of our marriage. Until I made him see our kids are not ours to keep. We keep each other as life partners. The person we fall in love with is the person you will spend the rest of your life wife. Our kids will eventually leave us one day..move and we can only be lucky if we come in 5th place in there hearts. Rule of life.