Spoiled Adult stepkids, enabling bf, frustrated sm
I married the sweetest, most generous guy in the world a year and a half ago. I thought there wouldn't be kid issues because his 2 and my 3 are all IN THEIR 30S!! That's not the case. Both of his are a constant drain on his finances to the point that I have to take up all the slack. Becasuse it got so much worse after our marriage, I really think they saw me a new revenue source! If they were progressing toward adulthood, I could tolerate it but that isn't happening so I find myself getting angrier and angrier. I'm seeing a councilor (alone) and his son, 34, is now living with us with no end in site. His daughter is giving me the silent treatment and keeping her children from us because I refuse to agree that her convict boyfriend is not a gem. My 3 don't live really close, so they aren't an issue with our marriage. When I try to discuss these issues, my husband gets very defensive or doesn't say much. It's as if when I vent, that should take care of my anger and end the problem. I'm normally a very patient woman but these kids are driving me nuts!
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Oh, I agree! But I have to
Oh, I agree! But I have to admit, I really hate conflict and try to discuss things rational with my husband (what is a DH anyway?) but he gets pretty defensive and I'm always the bad guy. I'd be defensive too if my grown children acted this way. They aren't perfect but sure look great in comparision.
He had a brief marriage (less than 2 yrs) between the BM and me and she divorced him to keep ss out of the house. SS34 is bi polar but seeing a councilor and taking meds. He also self medicates when he can. I think he uses the mental illness as his "victim" crutch.
I really love my husband and when it's just the two of us (which it should be at this stage) everything is perfect. I just think he's done this for so long, he has a hard time seeing that things could be different with his kids. And I think he's concerned that he would never hear from them if he cut them off. He may have something there, since they only contact him when they want something. Which seems almost continuous.
Why do some people think it's
Why do some people think it's normal for adult children to live at home with no end in sight? It's not!
For 2 years, I've lived with DH and SD (26) and she can't move out fast enough for me. It's been a nightmare. DH has her so coddled that BM basically found her a job because SD was spending most of her time playing computer games instead of looking for work. She doesn't have enough common sense to realize how pathetic she looks by still living at home with daddy and new wife.
I also have a relative who is bipolar and he sees a counselor, takes medication and works a very well paying job. He's been living on his own for over 20 years.
In the case of money, those are his adult children. If he wants to spend his money on them, fine, but I wouldn't take up the slack. They'll never learn to become financially responsible because they can always fall back on dear old dad.
If you don't stand up for yourself, people will walk all over you. Good luck.
Exactly what I was thinking,
Exactly what I was thinking, Maux.
I would never have expected my parents to support me in my 20s. I got out of the house at 18, and supported myself fully. It's called ambition. Kids these days (I can't believe I just used that term!) think it's normal for mommy and daddy to coddle them well into their 20s, and even sometimes into their 30s. Hell, I was on my own and living it up at 20! I would have been miserable living with my parents and having to abide by their rules. Well, maybe that's the difference. I was made to stick by the house rules while at home. Many adults still living at home have no rules. They do as they please.
OP, make some hard and strict rules for these adults, and have your DH agree to them with you. If you make it uncomfortable for them to stay, they'll actually WANT to leave. OR, you could always just determine and move out date for them with your DH and stick to that. It will give them time to get their act together and prepare for the real world.
Thanks so much for all of the
Thanks so much for all of the great feedback!!!! My evil plan is to make sure ss is doing what he is supposed to with his money, paying his meager bills, following the rules, etc. and give him 3 months to be out. It will be up to him to decide where he ends up; shelter or his own place. I told my DH that we've tried his way and it doesn't work. Now we're going to do it my way. I'll keep you all posted. This website is the best!!!!!!!!!
I had adult kids living with
I had adult kids living with us when they were in their early 20s, but 30s, wow. No way could I live with that. I agree with the advice to make sure your finances are separated and don't allow them to bully you into supporting their behavior.
My SS is also diagnosed bipolar and used to self medicate. Then got treatment and is on the road to independent adulthood. I hope! But when he was self-medicating that's when we had the most trouble, including me considering leaving. My DH is a wonderful man, but totally blind when it comes to his kids. And I supported the constant "emergencies" for his son because I was "nice" until my savings were all but drained. I was stupid to let it go that far.
Things are MUCH better now. Partly because SS is facing his problems and learning ways to cope and partly because DH and I have a much better handle (and boundaries) when it comes to our finances.
Part of this is that your DH might be embarrassed by the behavior of his kids. Better to ignore than confront and maybe they'll figure it out. Yeah, they figure out that daddy will take care of them forever.
If HE won't help solve the problem, all you can do is remove yourself from the situation. Disengage from his kids so you don't go down the rat hole with all of them. If it were me, I wouldn't care if these adult kids liked me or not--not my problem.
Read Cool and Calm's
Read Cool and Calm's blog.
The one she wrote today. It will help you.
Thanks, Glynne! I did read
Thanks, Glynne! I did read Cool and Calm's blog and it had great advice. Actually, thanks to all of you because rather than just venting here, I am looking for some validation as well. I'm not stupid (usually!) and am looking for some solutions that will help the situation. Step aside, your comment made me laugh out loud!
I find it outragous the amount of money he will give these two without any thought. I actually made a spreadsheet last year and kept it up for 9 months before showing it to all 3 of them. I didn't think they really realized how much money had flowed out of his account. Over 8 thousand dollars! My reason for doing this wasn't to rub it in to anyone, but I didn't think any of them had any idea how much it had been. My DH deals with them and their almost constant money requests by giving them the money and then they go away for a few weeks. But the cycle never ends! His daughter was very offended that I actually kept a record. I guess I'm the biggest bitch around! But it did do the trick (up to a point) with DH. He really didn't have any idea how much he had been giving them.
Don't get me wrong, I realize that SOMETIMES you may have to help out your grown children financially but c'mon! My DH asked me during a conversation about the line between enabling and helping and I just said there should be a limit to the help and strings attached. I told him that I had no idea how much my kids have in the bank or how much their car payments are, etc. because they don't ask me for money so it's none of my business. However, if they did, it opens their life up to me because I'm going to ask those uncomfortable questions... like what the hell are you doing with YOUR money? When are you going to be able to pay me back? Silly stuff like that.
I would love to hear what you all think about breaking this cycle of enabling while still being able to maybe help out once in a while...
Thanks again to everyone for your feedback. There are some really smart cookies online!
I did the spreadsheet also,
I did the spreadsheet also, Stepgin.
And it helped. My DH was complaining that we weren't saving enough for retirement and emergencies and that I needed to cut back on my discretionary spending. Okay - fair enough. So I did the spreadsheet and put the amounts that DH spent on SD in his discretionary spending account. :jawdrop:
He hasn't complained since!
I’m sorry in advance if this
I’m sorry in advance if this post goes on and on but a lot has been happening. First of all, I convinced my DH that the SS34 needed a deadline to move out to his own place, since he got a job. He agreed so the SS is supposed to move out October 1. He is supposed to be giving his dad a minimum of $50 a week for “rent” (we’re saving it for his deposits) but rarely does so. When I asked him how much he had put back he waffled and wouldn’t give me an answer. So I asked him if he spent it all. I swear to God, his reaction would have caused me to laugh if I hadn’t been so pissed off because I knew the answer. So I asked again, did you spend it all? He still can’t formulate an intelligent answer and goes to where he keeps his clothes and starts looking through things like money is going to magically appear. Does the term cornered rat mean anything??? Anyway, I emailed the hubby when I got to work to tell him what had happened and he already knew. Apparently the SS called and asked why I had “jumped his ass!” I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t yell, didn’t even raise my voice, but just asked the simple yes or no question a couple of times.
That night DH told us he didn’t like being in the middle and asked his son how I had jumped his ass, did I yell, did I even raise my voice. SS had to admit that I didn’t, but that I had a way about me. For crying out loud!!! Are you freaking kidding me????? Things with him since have been up and down, with him not coming home on Tuesday nights since he sells his blood that day or Wednesday nights since he gets paid that day. DH never asks him what’s happening with his money. Under normal circumstances, I could give a rat’s ass, but with the deadline fast approaching I fear DH will have a really hard time sticking to his guns based on what he has done to help out these worthless shits in the past.
Now for the bitchy, drama queen SD32. She has a boyfriend who is, of course, the love of her life. A little background: she is the mother of 4 children (4 different dads), never been married and a big time daddy’s girl. DH respects her because she actually works. Of course she works. All of the fathers were thugs and gang bangers. One died of an OD, one just got out of prison for countless domestic violence charges, one is on disability for psychiatric issues and the 4th … who knows? The new boyfriend was out on parole after 20 years for attempted murder and armed robbery. In the year and a half since he was released, he fathered 2 new babies, spent every dime she has, robbed a gas station, went on the lam, got caught by the police, and had 26 packets of crack on him when finally arrested. He just got convicted of the drug charge and is facing 30 years at the least. She and I got into an argument on the phone because I wouldn’t agree with her that he was really a good guy and her soul mate and was worthwhile. A stupid argument to have, I’ll admit, but I just couldn’t act like I thought this type of person was the kind of father the kids needed. By the way, she has the kids call him daddy and they go with her to visit him in prison.
Since the phone call when she screamed at me for over 20 minutes that I wasn’t supporting her decisions and was being judgmental, she has refused to talk to me and de-friended me on FB (a relief really) and has kept the kids from us. That’s the part that breaks my heart really. I can completely disengage from her but I’ve grown to really love the children. My DH went to talk with her and told her that she should apologize to me for being so disrespectful. She agreed and said she would call me. Of course, that never happened and now I feel it’s too late. But I would be willing to meet her halfway to spend time with the kids. My heart and head are telling me two different things and I’m not sure what the right thing to do is….
Dear Stepgin, You sound very
Dear Stepgin,
You sound very much like I sounded a few months ago. I finally left. I had three children and my husband had three children. My children all worked and were providing for themselves. None of his three children would work. His oldest, now 28, spent 10 years in college with the ambition of going to law school. After ten years he had accumulated only 2 years worth of credit and finally can no longer re-enroll at a college. Of course, he didn't work during those years because everyone knows you can't be successful in school if you're also working.
His second son, now 24, has been in college for six years and considers himself high-quality for a medical school admission. Pre-med is a four-year program; he has been working the program for six years and still has two years remaining. He, of course, cannot be expected to work either. Obviously, he is following the path that he learned from his brother.
Little sister, now 20, also does not work, but also does not attend school. She does nothing.
My husband continually praised these children for being such wonderful people. They had the financial support of us, their mother and their grandparents. Jobs are not a necessity for them; every single expense is covered. Want a new car? Just ask. If that doesn't work, then get mad and threaten to alienate the family. That one works every time and they well know it.
I pleaded with my husband to get the situation under control. For years he told me that he was "trying". No progress. None. Ever. One day I looked at him and said, "I'm done." I left the next morning and have never been back. We're divorced. Sure, I miss my "wonderful, sweet and generous" husband, but one look at my growing bank account reminds me why I'm better off by myself.
I hope your situation improves. I feel your pain. I turned into a bitter, resentful, hateful woman because of my living situation. Now I feel happy. Yes, I'm lonely, but I'll take the loneliness any day over the pain of staying in that dark, bottomless pit.
Good luck to you.
Deb
Boyfriend's grown children taking advantage of him
I've been dating a wonderful man for 6 months now. His children are 28 and 26, a son and daughter. My children are a generation older than his because I married young and he had children in his late 30's. My children don't live close, so they're not the issue.
The problem I see is that he allows his children to walk all over him. When we go away, he'll ask his son and fiancee to watch his dog. They only live 3 miles away, but they come to his house with their dog for that week, eat everything in sight, they allow the dogs to wreck the house, they have parties with their friends sleeping over,, smoke his good cigars, break things, take things and sleep in his bedroom. He even tells them before he leaves that he s washed the sheets in his bedroom. Mind you he has two other bedrooms they could use.
He'll come home and list all the things he found that they did, but never says a word to them. I finally told him that I won't tolerate people sleeping in the bed we share together when there are other bedrooms they could use. If he's not going to have people respect his home and the privacy of his bedroom, that's his problem, but I'm not going to allow them to disrespect my privacy. I also find it a bit creepy that he would encourage both kids and their partners to use his bedroom.
He's agreed with me and said he's going to discuss all this with them in the future, but it has caused me to think twice about our relationship. And I'm sure he gets resentful when I bring up his enabling. I don't want to lose our otherwise great relationship. Any advice as how to proceed with this if their behavior and his enabling doesn't change in the future? There have been many other instances, but this is just a short sample.