Am I a bad person for the way I feel?
Sorry for the long post, I'm sure you guys and girls have heard it all before but I have to get this off my chest before I lose it.
First let me say I don't have any kids of my own, I've never wanted any, I'm completely non-maternal and I don't actually like children. My ex-husband understood that and didn't want kids either. In that respect I suppose we were a good match. Unfortunately, after 5 years of marriage, it didn't work out. These things happen and we're still friends.
I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful man who I've been with for 2 and a half years now and have known for nearly 3 years. He has two kids from two previous relationships (a 12 year old girl and a 5 year old boy). Why date a man with kids if you hate children you may ask? You can't help who you fall in love with. I love this man, he makes me happy on so many levels. He's been there for me through thick and thin and stands by me when I need a rock to lean on.
This last month has been hard, the hardest I can ever remember (I lost my cat who was my best friend for the last 12 years, my partner had a motorcycle accident - he's fine but my bike was totalled, my mother has to have a double mastectomy in her second fight against breast cancer, my former father in law died of stomach cancer and my grandfather has just been diagnosed with a brain tumour) and I'm struggling to cope (I'm usually pretty solid but there's only so much a lass can take all at once) and he's been there through all of it.
The kids, as kids go, aren't the worst kids I've met. The girl I can deal with, except on her clingy days when she follows you like a lost lamb, she's a completely bearable child and not a problem to have around. The boy however, just manages to irritate me in ways I didn't think were possible.
The girl is raised by her Mom who also has another child. She's fairly well behaved, kinda quiet but happy in herself, is pretty independant and quite bright (although she does have the odd moment when you have to ask what planet she lives on). Her mother took a very long time to want to get to know me, and I totally respect that given my partners track history of dating complete airheads.
The boy is also raised by his Mom, who has two other children of her own and a brood of step children too. I don't want to seem like a b***h here but an example of a character reference for her is that the father of her other two children is the step-brother of the father of her first child. They have another step brother whom she also knows intimately. The father of her other two children has about 6 kids of his own in total, to approx 3 different mom's. 4 of those kids are about the same age (fidelity obviously isn't a big thing to some people). I don't wanna knock their parenting skills, they're not the worst parents in the world, but they've got too many kids and not enough time or willpower to give each of them the attention they need or deserve. The boy is 5, can't read or write, tie his own shoe-laces or eat anything but chicken nuggets and smiley faces (his mom doesn't cook anything else) without having a tantrum about it.
What's worse is he's clearly his Daddy's favourite, I don't know if that's because he's the youngest or 'cause he's a boy or what. It bugs me when I see my partner clearly favouring his boy over his girl. I've told him about it and pointed out that if he's not careful his girl will notice it too, which is hardly fair on her.
They come and stay with us a weekend in a fortnight, but Daddy also goes and picks his boy up from school once a week too. He doesn't do this or any other extra activity with his girl. When they arrive for their weekend it's like the whole world revolves around the boy. The girl switches on her laptop and spends most of the weekend staring at it. The boy gets to pick whats on tv, watch movies in bed, pick what to play on the xbox, gets sweets every time we go anywhere, gets Daddy to dress him at mornings and bedtimes and even feed him when he has a hissy fit about the home cooked meal I made for him (the kids a scrawny little thing and I refuse to make chicken nuggets for him, kid needs real food).
It's got so bad that I actually resent having them here (the girl too, even though it's not her fault). When they are here I spend all my time hiding in our room to avoid them so I don't have to say how I feel in front of them. I've tried talking it over with my partner and all it ever comes down to is he loves his kids and I don't. Just that one statement and no solutions.
Apologies agan for the rant but I'm at the end of my rope and I had to vent somewhere. xx
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Comments
No, I don't think you're a
No, I don't think you're a bad person at all. Sometimes we can't help the way we feel towards our stepkids. We're thrown into parenthood unlike birth parents.
I recently read something from the HappyStepmother blog that said it was best not to worry about loving or even liking our SKs. I think I am in the same boat as you, however I recently married my DH who has a 7yo little girl. My SD is not a bad child, but I don't feel maternal towards her either. We only get her EOWE now, but still I feel this cloud of doom come over me when it's time for her to come stay with us. It didn't hit me as hard until we were married. And I constantly go back in my mind and wonder why I went against my mantra about dating guys with "baggage." But you're right, we don't choose who we love. I'm just going to focus on being cordial with her. I want whatever develops to do so naturally.
If the girl is being too clingy, then just tell her you need some adult alone time and go on about your day. She's old enough to understand. I think guys do tend to favor their male children over the girls, but your partner should really be spending some quality time with her, too. Maybe you guys need some counseling.
Give yourself a break, though. Leave the main parenting up to him. Check out some other stuff on the web about stepparenting. I think it will help. Good luck!
I never wanted kids either.
I never wanted kids either. It turns out that what I really didn't want was SMALL children - turns out that I'm really enjoying the teen years (totally backward, I know) with SD15.
BUT!! (and it's a big but) SD15 is a GOOD teen. Well behaved, interesting to talk to, fun to be around. With the early indoctrination into brathood that your BF's younger boy is getting, I have NO DOUBT that he'll be a total pain for way too long.
The big issue I've seen again and again on this board is that it's the father who creates and/or contributes to the bad behavior of the skids.
Are you sure you don't want to run? I feel for you - you've got a really tough road ahead of you if you want to stay with this man.
Thanks girls. That really
Thanks girls. That really helped.
I agree Trish, I'm not big on kids but teens seem easier to deal with, maybe because you can have an adult conversation, ask them to do things for themselves and not have to monitor them constantly.
I get that little kids need more than big kids but hell, I came from a 'dysfunctional' family but when I was five I could fasten my own shoes and play on my own for five minutes and not have to say something 20 times until I was listened to. I guess I just can't relate to the boy and it annoys me
While I think about it. His school doesn't help either. I get that parents are meant to parent their kids but schools are obviously meant to teach them something, right?
We went to one of the boys parents evenings one day and the teacher had to make a complaint about the boy 'cause he'd hit another boy. The only reason he'd done it is because the boy he'd hit was a bully and was picking on his friend. Teacher's response was that he should've come and told the teacher. He did. Teacher's attitude at the time was that they were busy. Tell that to the poor kid being picked on. Now I'm not big on violence and bullying and stuff and I grant that our boy hitting the other boy was wrong. But if you see someone being abused, call for help and none comes I think he did the right thing. He hit the kid once, knocked him on his ass and the bully left them alone. What's wrong with that?
Teacher seems to have their priorities wrong. They spent 10 minutes showing us the work of their star pupil who'd been writing using a stencil. I had to point out to the teacher that the kid had got the stencil backwards 'cause they hadn't noticed it themselves.
I feel sorry for the boy, he doesn't get any help at home with his Mom, isn't being taught very well at school (this shows when he's out, I'm trying to figure out if he's actually slow himself or just behind through lack of opportunity) and he doesn't come to us often enough to really benefit from anything we try and teach him. I know I haven't been trying lately because he bugs me so much at the moment, but I have in the past (please and thankyou, abc, different foods than those damn chicken nuggets).
*bangs head on desk*
Ok, am done ranting for today, I promise. Thanks for the advice girls. xx
Wow can I understand how you
Wow can I understand how you feel. I do want to say that I've learned something from being married 13 1/2 yrs to a man who acts like his life revolves around his kids-as long as it doesn't require any REAL parenting (read 'discipline')-that their attitude towards their kids is just like any other quality you may or may not like about a man who let's say doesn't have kids. If this guy is great in every other way EXCEPT for the kid thing-you really need to think long and hard about your future. They only end up spending MORE time with their kids as they get older. And from the way the SS is being coddled-you've got a real mooch being shaped here. It could end up consuming your life, trust me I know & remember the weekends...
My husband thinks that learning how to save money & take care of yourself just come naturally once you reach a certain age. MY SS is 21 & doesn't save a dime. I work TWO jobs to take care of my sh*t, but this kid blows all his money & can barely pay me his $20 rent a week (i INSISTED) if he doesn't get paid on time-are you freakin kidding me? Seriously-if you are having issues now, they WILL increase with the kid's age. I feel for you because it really is hard to find a good guy. But the kid thing can ruin it for you.
Hope no matter what it works out for you.
I literally just stumbled on
I literally just stumbled on this forum, and I feel like I have found the answer to my prayers. I am 28, never married, and much to my surprise, fell in love last year with a wonderful man who has a 14 year old child from a previous marriage. We moved in together in January, and I have to say, I was completely unprepared for how hard dealing with his son and ex wife was going to be. His son has Aspergers Syndrome, is homeschooled, and completely spoiled by his mother and grandparents. It drives me nuts to see such bad parenting - the child has zero table manners, plays video games for hours and hours, and is just plain rude. I dread his weekends with us, and while I love my boyfriend dearly and he has been incredibly supportive, I feel like a terrible person for the amount I dislike his son. His mother refuses to pay for transportation or meet my boyfriend halfway, so every weekend he drives two hours each way - door step to door step to pick him up. In exchange, the ex wife tells the child, "Our marriage was perfect until your father had an affair." (Not true! Who tells a 14 year old this?) She happened to have a meeting in our town this weekend, and for once drove the child to our house. She was 30 minutes late dropping him off and an HOUR AND A HALF late picking him up last night. My boyfriend calls even if he is going to be five minutes late, and she acts as if he is shirking all responsibility. I am sorry if this is just babbling - I'm almost at the end of my rope dealing with these people. How many times a day can I say, "Why did you marry this person?!"