Don't know how to deal with bossy, overbearing stepdaughter
My husband's 45 year old daughter is very loud, obnoxious, and overbearing. She and I tolerate each other, but we're not each other's favorite people, never have been.
I don't know how to deal with her habit of overrunning me in my own home. Example: For Christmas a few years ago she bought us end tables, a coffee table, and lamps for the living room. Number one, they were not at all what I would have chosen for our home, and she never bothered to ask whether we'd like these things, or whether we even had a use for them. I never use a coffee table, for one, because they take up too much room in our small home.
Tonight she did it again. She called up and told my husband she was on her way over. Never asked if it was a good time or anything. Said she "had something" for him. A few minutes later, here she comes, dragging in a HUGE television set she had bought at the early Black Friday sale.
Ordinarily, it wouldn't be a bad thing to buy a tv, but we have a perfectly good one, and the one she brought is way, way too big for our small living room. It takes up nearly one full wall, and looks stupid and out of scale with the rest of the room. My husband and I don't watch a lot of tv, and this is just a monstrosity.
Once again, did she bother to ask if it was something we'd like to have, or would make use of? NO. It's what SHE wanted to buy, so she bought it, then came barreling in here to set it up.
If she ever bothered to ask about stuff before bringing it over here, I would have been happy for my husband if he got a new tv, but instead I just feel like she ran over me again, like she always doe, so all I feel about this is resentment and anger.
The more often she does stuff like this, the angrier I get, then my husband and I argue about it. Of course she's his daughter, so he sees nothing wrong in what she does, but I end up feeling like a bystander in my own home who has no say in what type of decor or furniture--or whatever--we have.
How would you deal with something like this?
What do you say to her? I
What do you say to her? I would be very matter of fact, thank her for her generosity, then ask how to return the gift as it is too big for your home. But be sweet about it. I wonder why your dh is not truthful with her? Sounds like she IS very generous, but not very sensitive.
I didn't say a word to her. I
I didn't say a word to her. I was doing my best to bite my tongue because my husband was all excited about the tv.
I never even got a chance to say a word about it not being the right size for our room because the minute she and her boyfriend dragged in the box, they took over and started setting it up. They never asked me what I thought.
Yes, she can be generous, but she is clueless, insensitive, and has to have things her way. The universe revolves around her, and she is "daddy's little girl".
I've gotten along with her for my husband's sake, but the more I have to deal with her, the angrier I get, and the more I dislike her. I can take her in tiny doses only.
It's gotten to the point where I don't even want her coming over here anymore, but I can't very well say that when my husband lives here too.
Her actions are the cause of many arguments here lately. It's taking a toll on our marriage, and I don't know how to solve the problem.
I am so sorry. My step
I am so sorry. My step daughter is here for a visit and has completely taken over my house. She took charge of the Christmas dinner before was out of bed. Put in the turkey way early, argued with me when I told her it would be ready too early, and we had a turkey that was ready at 10:30, for a 2:00 meal - minus the stuffing I had planned on putting in the turkey. They will be here another week and I am losing my mind. I feel for you and hope you can work this out. This was the last straw in my marriage, as we have problems already and she walks on water and has decided to move her family to the area. The advice you have been given is great. When I completed the decorating in that room and got to the point where the TV was in the way, I would put it in another room (or the garage) and say that it just didn't fit in. Enough things end up there, maybe she will get the hint. I think it is especially inconsiderate as it is your house (I have the same situation, I inherited the house where we live).
Did you move into dh's home?
Did you move into dh's home? She sounds way too comfy at your home! I guess if he won't tell her, I would, nicely, but firmly.
No, we moved into MY home
No, we moved into MY home when we got married.
We're in the middle of doing some redecorating, switching some rooms around, etc., and this huge tv doesn't fit into those plans. Now I have to sit and look at this huge tv that *I* certainly didn't want taking up room, and instead of being happy for dh that he has it, I'm going to be angry every time I see it.
Whenever I mention to dh that she could tone it down a little bit, ASK us whether or not something she wanted to buy would be welcome, he just pooh-poohs me and tells me I'm being too "critical".
In his eyes, she can do no wrong, no matter what.
Wow....she is very nervy!
Wow....she is very nervy! Again, I would firmly tell her that it will have to be returned, if maybe she can use it in her home.
I had a friend who is like
I had a friend who is like that. She was generous too but very controlling, inappropriately taking over my life, making me very uncomfortable and eventually resentful. I attempted to talk to her about it but she became angry - and simply continued being in control despite my objections. The thing I learned is that you can never make a control freak see the light. If confronted they become hostile, and will even lie or try gas lighting to pass the blame back to you. You will be accused of over-reacting or being too critical.
It is especially hard for you because your DH is not supporting or respecting you. I suspect that this is more of a control issue for SD than a generous act. As hard as it is to do, you are going to tell him that as a joint occupant of the home, you are to be consulted prior to significant changes in it, PRIOR to accepting the 'gifts'. Period. He needs to take SD aside and say, "Marigold and I prefer to choose our furniture for our home. From now on, please ask first." I can bet she will become defensive but it IS your house and she is going WAY beyond boundaries that a normal person would have. You need to do this before you explode like I did with my friend.
I already exploded right
I already exploded right after she left tonight. Dh just thinks I'm "unreasonable".
Maybe I'll message her on Facebook and say something you suggested about how both of us want to choose our furniture, etc. There's no way on earth my husband would EVER say something to upset his daughter. He can't stand it when she's upset.
He hates it when I'm upset too, but not enough to actually do something about her.
I just used ideas from what
I just used ideas from what you said to me, sandye21, and messaged her to tell her to ask first next time. I already know that won't go over well, and she'll just say something very snippy back at me.
I never dreamed in a million years that my husband's adult children, both his daughter and his son, would end up driving me to the brink of actually thinking that maybe a nice long separation would be nice. I'm not going anywhere though--I refuse to let HIS kids drive me out of my own home.
No, I would not have approved
No, I would not have approved the tv if she had asked first.
My husband didn't give me a chance to say anything, and I was trying to be polite. I told them when they started setting up the tv that it was much too big, but they told me it wasn't, and continued setting it up. My dh was happy as a clam, so of course he wasn't going to say anything, even though we've talked often enough about how we don't have any need for a large tv. I rarely watch it at all, and he doesn't watch a whole lot of it himself.
In the first example I gave, about the living room furniture she bought us for Christmas some time ago, I wasn't at her house that night. I only knew about it when dh came home carrying it all in the car. I was upset then, but he didn't want me to say anything. I figured it was a one-time thing, and she must have done it unthinkingly, so I never said anything to her.
Gotta love craig's
Gotta love craig's list...just sell what she gave you and buy something you want that is more appropriate...If she says anything, just tell her you traded it in for something more suitable regarding your needs, taste, size, whatever... ect...
If that doesn't set a clear enough boundary, then you will have to tell her thanks but no thanks, and set some healthy boundaries up for the future...It might hurt her feelings...if she is anything like my sd (and she sounds a great deal like her), I had to take that bull by the horns and make my position clear....My role in my own home, family, culture, as his wife...Sounds like she is trespassing on your position,,,and to be fair...I do not know the details, but i know that my DH let his daughter play the role that was once occupied by his first wife, while the divorce was happening,,,most do (unintentionally of course)....but the problem with that is...now that you sit in the seat next to him...she has to relinquish it and go back to playing the role of his daughter...and that can take the form of a very rude awakening for her...because once they taste the power of becoming their parent's equal, they have a hard time relinquishing it....Unfortunately, they take it out on the stepmom, because they think you are taking their place,,,when in fact, it is completely the opposite...they have taken yours,,,,It is a fight for that position that creates so many other "symptoms" that lead into conflict...like your situation...It is just a symptom of a deeper issue that was created by the divorce itself....If there had not been a divorce, the kids would not have had the position she has now....and none of this would be an issue...
The biggest problem is, the dh doesn't see what he created...He actually taught her to be this way...based on his emotional weakness and how much he leaned on her during that difficult time...The more they leaned on them...the worse they are...some have even experienced a total role reversal where the sd now plays the parental authority role, and the parent acts like the do-dependednt child...Totally unhealthy for everyone,,,but the person who pays the biggest price for this dynamic is the stepmom...The one who marries into this culture...unwittingly, then finds herself in a psychological nightmare....
I had to make some unpopular boundaries in my home to regain what was rightfully mine...I didn't create the problem, but I look at it this way. I am my spouse's equal. I am a leader in my home, the mother of my children, the manager of our culture in our home, my refuge....I protect my family from harm, and anyone threatening that environment will not be allowed to come into it to begin with...If I do not do this, and my dh is too blind to see it because he is still in what he created....then who will?
All I know is they will run you over with a mac truck if you let them...ever consuming...It is never enough...they are never satisfied, because self is never satisfied...They have an insatiable desire that cannot be met by you and your dh...an appetite that is never satisfied...to be number one....at the top of the triangle...A position that is not their s to begin with....
It goes deep into their core beliefs and effects their identity ...The problem is...it was never intended that they play the role of the parent....they were created in the family structure to play the role of the child...that is where the confusion lies...a hard to face reality for them...You are a constant reminder of that reality....If it weren't for you...their life would be grande....
When reality screams...their family was broken way before you showed up...And we step moms sometimes appear pretty late in the game....If you know what I mean....
While your opinion may not be popular...It is where you are at right now and you have every right to have it...Do not let your sd push you to a point where you end up disappearing because you have no voice...Fight to keep your personhood through all of this. It took me 2 years of disengaging to get mine back after 26 years of compromise to "be the bigger person"
Try to see what the real issues are and never let anyone speak into your identity less that who God says you are,,,what your position is that He gave you...she does not have the right to keep trespassing on your personal space however you choose to define it....
Thank you, peacemaker. You've
Thank you, peacemaker. You've described some issues that I've been unaware of until now. Yes, my husband went through a very traumatic divorce from his daughter's mother, and he leaned on his daughter a lot, even though she was a (rebellious) teenager at the time.
He'll willingly admit that she's his princess, daddy's little girl, has him wrapped around her finger--whatever expression fits. I never thought much about it. All I knew was that she could do no wrong in his eyes.
He'd been divorced from her mother for years before he met me, so I had nothing to do with their family dynamics. For 17 years I've tried to be, as you said, "the bigger person", and try to be friendly, welcoming, trying to treat her like I'd treat my own daughter.
I've suspected for years that things weren't as good as they might appear. For instance, how convenient it is that dh's adult children "don't remember" our anniversary or my birthday. I've mentioned to dh several times that it seems funny they NEVER ask him at least when our anniversary is. He always says they have "bad memories". I doubt that. If they cared, they'd ask and write it on their calendars.
I'm used to backing down because my dh hates confrontations or turmoil of any kind. It really disturbs him. I can hold my own with his daughter--he's just always had me believing that I was wrong to feel the way I do, or to see the things I see when it comes to his daughter, so I've been in the habit of trying to keep my mouth shut, even though my head was ready to explode sometimes.
My dh refuses to see the reality of how his daughter acts, so I'm not sure how to resolve the conflicts in our marriage. The only thing I can do is try to retain my own identity, as you suggested.
Boy, if I had known then what I know now, I would have been smart to run for the hills.
.
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Great advice!
Great advice!
45yold!!! I would thank her
45yold!!!
I would thank her then take it straight back to shop and get the money. Then i would buy something I liked and wanted for MY house.
You are under no obligation
You are under no obligation to keep a gift you don't want. Return it. She will get the hint soon enough when she realizes her generous presents are off-mark. It is nice she is so generous, but if it doesn't fit your decor or plan, then it was a nice thought and too bad it didn't work out. Gladly show her the other item that you DID want that you got with the return funds.
And since your DH did not think it fit to check with you that the item was wanted, you shouldn't feel obliged to check with him that it is indeed unwanted.
Just as I thought, the little
Just as I thought, the little witch replied to me on Facebook and said, "That's enough out of you. You don't have any say in what I choose to buy my father as a gift."
Very disrespectful--and then she immediately deleted her comment as soon as I read it.
I wrote back and matter of factly stated that this wasn't her house, and next time, ask before she brings a large item over here.
My husband and I have already had a huge fight over the tv and the way his daughter acts this morning.
Not a pleasant way to start the day.
"That's enough out of you.
"That's enough out of you. You don't have any say in what I choose to buy my father as a gift." How utterly nasty! Like you are a disrespectful child! I agree with another poster - print it before she has time to delete it. I caught my controlling friend in a lie with her own email which I had placed months ago in my 'sent' folder, then forwarded it back to her. LOL She still blames me but it really feels good not to be controlled anymore. It was really worth it.
I am so glad you responded to her like you did. Good for you. She may be mad at you for a while but, as another poster wrote, this is like an alpha dog, coming into your home and peeing on your furniture. It's NOT generosity - it's an act of aggression. You don't have to fight with DH. He just needs to know her actions have gone way beyond your boundaries and as his wife you have a right to determine what goes in your home. Period. This is more than fair. No more discussion. It is odd how, when faced with the financial burden of living on their own, that DHs suddenly see the light.
I don't think this is really
I don't think this is really about her being "generous" and giving you "gifts" - I think this is her convoluted way of pissing on your doorpost to make her mark. Since her dad moved into YOUR home, she is exerting her control and influence by buying these expensive gifts that she thinks won't or can't be returned. It's a way of putting herself in YOUR home and making sure her presence is known to her father on a daily basis.
Her comment back to you says enough. I wouldn't worry any more about her feelings, nor your DHs. Tell him he needs to explain to her that any future gifts she buys should be for him ony - like a sweater, wallet, etc. If she gets anything else that is supposed to be used in your joint home then it will be sold or returned or donated to a charity.
I'll chime in too. Your SD is
I'll chime in too.
Your SD is crossing your personal boundaries. You're not enforcing your own boundaries for a variety of reasons - expecting DH to do so since it's his daughter, not wanting to upset DH or SD, not wanting the conflict, etc etc.
But the answer is for you to enforce your own boundaries. It's your shared home with DH, but you wouldn't let him sell it from under you or to level it without your consent... so take his relationship with SD off the table, and take care of your own business.
I'd go a step further and just tell DH you don't want the large TV and you'd like to sell it. If DH refuses, then that's a huge issue between the two of you. If he likes that TV and wants it, then he needs to build a shed in the backyard where he can set it up. And stay out there until he smartens up.
Take the TV down, stuff it
Take the TV down, stuff it back in the box and drop it off at her house.
Then take your DH shopping for a tv that will FIT in your house.
If your honestly scared of the confrontation.. wait until your DH is out of the house, rip the damn thing off the wall and give it away. Tell your DH "See... she put that box out by the garbage and everyone KNEW we had it... someone robbed us!"
Damn no receipt... no serial numbers... no sense in calling the cops you cant prove you ever had it.. damn crying shame aint it?
Looks to me like you are
Looks to me like you are between a rock and a hard place. Your dh is passive and does not want to hurt sd feelings. Sd is not really being generous, she is deliberately forcing herself into your environment. You said dh loved the tv gift but I bet he would say he loved it even if he hated it. I feel your pain and anger. My dh is passive also. I have had somewhat similar situations and would always be made out to be the bad guy. The thing that upsets me the most is NOT HAVING A VOICE! I hope you can have a discussion with dh and come to an agreement that you both will have a say regarding your environment. It would be nice if dh could see that a third party (your sd) should not be making such decisions regarding your home. A couple things I put up with & am still anger about:
1)While my osd was in college she told one of her female friends that they could stay at our home for spring break. Osd spent spring break at her bm but her friend stayed in my home and I was very angry about it. I had no voice and all dh could say was osd felt friend needed a quite place to get away and that he did not mind it. The next year as spring break approached I told dh that osd did not have the right to treat our home as if we were just lodgers and she had ownership. Told him to tell her I did not want anyone staying at my home and that if he did not tell her I would. He kindly told her and she cried as if she was just so offended.
2) My ss was living with us and msd calls ss and asked him to babysit her new puppy for a week. Again I had no voice and I was the one that ended up taking care of puppy. I just voiced my opinion on this one.
3) While osd was in college my dh gave her our credit card. She was allowed to use for college needs and had to ask before using it. She decided to get dh a vcr for fathers day without asking. I told dh that he needed to tell her not to use the credit card for him a gift. He did and she complained "but you would never buy yourself one". I told him but since we pay the credit card "we did buy one"!
anyway I am sorry you have to deal with such intrusive crap! Good luck
you don't have to like his
you don't have to like his daughter. You don't have to have her in your home. part of the traditional marriage vows is forsaking all others. if your husband is putting someone else espeacily another adult woman before you hes breaking his marriage vows. the fact that shes causing you to argue with your husband is in itself very wrong. you should try and come up with an agreement with your husband as to what is the right thing to do. he should not be imposing your non biological step daughter woman on you as don't even have to speak to your own biological adult children if you didn't want to as you are an adult. remind him or try and agree on what a marriage is and explain to him there can be only one Queen in your home and that should be his Wife.
the little witch replied to
the little witch replied to me on Facebook and said, "That's enough out of you. You don't have any say in what I choose to buy my father as a gift."
After reading that, I would have to leave the house and calm down, lest I took a hammer to the TV.
Then I would convince DH that it is too big for the space(there is a formula for figuring out the correct size of a TV for a room) and convince him to exchange it for something else.
He needs to realize that his daughter buying things for the home that you two share, is inappropriate unless it's agreed upon in advance. There is no way in hell I would keep furniture in my house that someone else picked out and that I did not like.
This is a power play on her part. I don't believe for a moment that she does not realize what she is doing; she knows full well.
I was absolutely livid over
I was absolutely livid over what she said, and felt like the top of my head could have come off. She was very sneaky too, deleting her message to me before I could show it to dh.
There's no way dh will get rid of the tv--he likes it, so it's just a sore spot to me stuck in my little living room.
He's offered to move it out to his shop in the spring, but I wonder if it would be mean/awful of me to take him up on that. Even though it's way too big in scale for the room, if it hadn't been for the power play, and aggressive way his daughter did it, I probably could have lived with it.
As it is, every time I look at it, it drives me nuts and I have to be careful not to get angry all over again.
Unfortunately for me, she
Unfortunately for me, she lives just one mile away, and drops in often.
From now on though, if she comes in the house with dh, I'll just go into another room.
I always used to come out and engage in conversation, trying to be polite and welcoming.
Now that I know where I REALLY stand, I don't care if she never darkens my door again.
If your DH continues to
If your DH continues to support SD, throwing you under the bus, start moving HIS stuff around. When he asks where it is, say you are following his daughter's example, like you are doing him a favor. He will probably get ticked but maybe it will make him consider what his daughter is really doing.
Update on this situation:
Update on this situation: After I wrote my original post, things really got interesting. By the way, my dh's daughter didn't put up a public post on Facebook--she private messaged me on there.
Anyway, after the first comment she made, and I replied that in the future she should check with us before buying furniture or accessories for our home, she got EVEN NASTIER. She messaged me and said something like, "Shut up, you. I don't want to hear any crap out of you."
I was livid, and told my dh that her rudeness to me should be addressed by him. He tried to call her and couldn't reach her, so he messaged her on Facebook and said that I was his wife, and he loved me, and he wouldn't tolerate such rude speaking about me.
Well, all that did was make her flare up even more. She started messaging him with all kinds of insulting stuff, saying that I "had problems", "was jealous", and some others that I don't remember now, but they certainly showed her true colors.
(I'm not sure what on earth I'd ever be jealous of her about because I can't stand her and wouldn't want to be like her, but she must have some reason in her mind to come up with this.)
Anyway, I felt kind of bad that we were fighting, and messaged her and told her that we should try to get along for her father's sake. She said she'd like that.
I haven't heard a word out of her since that day, but isn't this interesting---she had an early Christmas family get-together at her house last weekend, and I wasn't invited (not that I would have gone).
And isn't it interesting that she and her brother both bought expensive Christmas gifts for my dh, spending a couple hundred dollars each on him, but I got NOTHING, not even a card and a cheap candle, or a bottle of cologne, which is what I'd usually get.
And here's one that I really noticed today...Usually on EVERY holiday or occasion, dh's daughter and son will call him up with their wishes for a happy day. They are like clockwork. His son called him to wish him a Merry Christmas this morning, but not a peep out of his daughter, and I have a feeling she didn't call because I'm usually the one that gets to the phone and answers it first, and I really don't think she wants to speak to me.
I find all this stuff very petty and childish, but at least now I KNOW where I stand, instead of just suspecting it.
I've always been the one to remind dh of his adult children's birthdays, anniversaries, and such, but I think now I'll just let HIM worry about it. I'm bowing out completely.
By the way, I completely agree with those who said that his daughter's buying of things for our home was an aggressive move rather than just being a thoughtful, generous thing.
That won't be happening again.
Marigold, it is good to hear
Marigold, it is good to hear how well you handled the situation, and that your DH backed you up. SD doesn't want to speak to you - thank your lucky stars. This woman sounds too toxic to be in your life. I am also glad you are no longer reminding your DH of birthdays, etc. And don't let them make you feel like any less of a person because they are leaving you out of their family Christmas. Reciprocate in kind and leave them completely out of your thoughts during the holidays. Let DH pay for their gifts and take what money you would have spent on them to buy yourself something really special. You deserve it.