When I disengaged all skids were responsible for doing their OWN laundry.

Each had chores assigned...a mess in the kitchen? Who ever had kitchen duty had to clean it up.
Mess in the living room, yes someone was assigned to clean that room as well. Daily.
sKid didnt do their chore? Their DAD got to do it for them/ make them do it.
I did not cook meals.
I did not do rides, getting skids up for school, any extra curricular activities, not a single DIME of my money went towards the skids.

IDK how you guys do it when they still live with you

I did it to a degree when dad was refusing to parent his kid but I could never have gone so far as to not cook and clean because I have one pre-bio and one our bio

I first started disengaging from all my skids, but there's only two I really want nothing to do with. So I disengage from those two and have a friendly relationship with the other. I still get sucked back in every now again when his kids are going nuts and destroying our house and DH has no idea what to do. For the most part I will cook if my kids are there, if his kids don't like my cooking or what I cooked it's up to him to either make them eat or fix them something else. When my kids aren't there, every thing is on him. I close up my kids rooms and keep a close eye on my pets.
We didn't talk about it. He knows my feelings about the two but to tell him what I was doing would just lead to a huge fight, and probably words that can't be taken back or forgotten easily. We're also looking for a couples therapist which may help us with all of this.

my disengagement involves merely avoiding SD14 as much as possible. i cook dinner every night - but not on the two week nights she is over, or i cook for fiance and i after she goes home and we eat together late.

i spend time with her pretty much for family holidays/events. we are lucky, we dont have her that much because she refuses all of her sleepover weekends and often times the week day visits get canceled either by her or her dad.

I have been disengaged from SS11 and SD7 for a long time now, and seriously, my life and my relationship with SKIDS has gotten so much better. My advice is - butt the hell out. They have a father and a mother ( hopefully semi sane ) , they dont need me, thank you very much. I am not responsible for late homework, or a sudden temperature drop in the zero's and all the warm clothes are at their mothers. What they eat, how long they play on the phone, they get fat, appointments - not really my problem. I am more like an auntie to them than a step mom. I told them they have a father and a mother who loves them and if they have a problem and dont want to deal with either of them, they can come to me and i will help, if the request is reasonable. Otherwise, try your best to become a responsible adult, respect my property and my privacy ( they do ) and good luck to you all. It works fine. Actually, the more I disengaged ( stopped yelling at them, stopped rolling my eyes, stopped trying to discipline and nag ), the more they started to like me. Both skids get poisoned by BM ( who thinks i am the devil ) but i know at least SS11 likes me a lot, him and i are cool, i look forward to him being a bit older actually and we can have some real adult conversations. He is great. SS7 is a work in progress but ok. Try that - butt out, let them BE, you didnt make them, you are not responsible for them, and the more you butt out, the better it will be. At least its working for me.