The WORST week of my life- Ever!!
Well after 4 and a half years of being his GF, then his Fiancé and living together and then going back to being GF again.....and having his 2 teenage and young adult children live in my home when we were engaged...and feeling used and disrespected by them (and not being backed up by the BF), then having to ask them to leave....all the while trying to deal with the results of an emotionally manipulative BM, 2 pending court cases, BF having to live in a rental so he can parent his troubled 15 year old son (as he gets continuity sucked in by BM to leave his father when a court case looms and then she just abandons him resulting in BF having to push me aside (again) and run back to live FT with his son leaving me to just deal with it) AND lastly and most tragically, having to put my beautiful mare I broke in as a year year old down as a result of a tragic paddock accident (and left having to deal with this on my own) and finally having my work appraisal on Friday where I was crucified.......BF and I finally called it quits yesterday. The ultimate ending to such a f****d up week!
I am defeated. I feel emotionally drained, bereft, abandoned and hurt. The thought of leaving this world sounded like an easy way out yesterday...but then I remembered my own beautiful children and would not do that to them. My friends and daughters have been amazing but my mother is acting all weird (for who knows) as of this year and just doesn't ring (lives interstate) and if I don't ring, we don't talk.
My main issue with BF? His need to create a world that revolves around his kids which means us adults have to fit in around them. And Ive been demanding the opposite. He feels he is doing the right thing by encouraging this (eg he has given his 20 year old (still) unemployed daughter the master bedroom and ensuite in his rental property which means that if I came to visit him and stay overnight, we get the spare room next to his son)....he thinks Im being petty and jealous of what he is doing for his daughter but this time Im refusing to continue to be pushed aside and this was my hill to die on and we did.
He cant see he is creating entitled kids. I also said that he treats his daughter like his wife...and from this week (with what Ive gone through and being pushed aside as SS15 is back to live with hs father again) Yesterday I REFUSED to be put on what is essentially the "lower rung on the family ladder" by sleeping in the spare room when we should be seen as a united front and at the head of the family. What hurt is that BF didn't even consider me or my wishes in his decision (of her staying in the main, nicer bedroom) and then gets upset with me when I say that I feel left out in his family and pushed aside every time his kid comes back home to live with him, I have to sit back and wait by the side lines.....NO MORE. BF will NEVER get it as its way more important to him to have his kids do what ever they want so they can live with him at the expense of being in a committed and fulfilling relationship where you could have both (but with boundaries).
Never being in another relationship with a man with kids.
Sounds like a very long rough
Sounds like a very long rough week (so sorry to hear about your horse).
I does sound as if BF and you are about at the end of the line. You're miserable and that is no way to live your life. And yes, your life is valuable, it's time to start thinking about you. Don't wait for someone else to put you front and center, giving you a sense of worth...do it yourself, and start today. You're #1 and now don't look back. This man isn't in a position to give you what you need (whether he does it deliberately or out of a purposed sense of necessity...he just isn't the guy who can bring you happiness.
I can see a side of this you're too close to see (and that's ok). The bedroom is a thing that does make sense to him. He lives in his own rental. His son and adult daughter live with him 24/7. He has little need for a big master, fancier bedroom himself and has chosen to allow his daughter to have the comfort of the larger room. Is it wrong? Yes and no. As you don't live there and solely spend an overnight now and then, he sees no reason to have thought of it as you do.
The same as with his son. His son for whatever reason is a troubled needy teen. He has no intensions of abandoning his child. The guy isn't capable of having you front and center and the sole priority in his life right now. Right or wrong. It is what it is. What you're getting is not enough for you, and that's ok too.
Now that you've made your decision to call it over , go forth and seek happiness and a gentleman who can give you what you need at this stage in your life.
Wishing you all the best as you seek and find yourself again.
**sigh**...thank you for your
**sigh**...thank you for your well thought out comment Twoviewpoints.....and it did made me think and took the sting of feeling rejected from my heart......
I guess because everything happened in one horrible week where for the last 4 months we were living together blissfully in my place last weekend, my horse had to be put down and he had to leave to go ad pick up his son and live back over in his rental FT. He seemed to then drop off the face of the eart and nt reply to my sweet texts, no calls and I was beside myself with grief over losing my beautiful mare and him all on the same weekend. I felt abandoned by him big time.
He continued to pay for his rental (as I guess he knew his son would be back one day as he knows BM) and Ive since found out that his daughter has been staying there while he was staying with me and he just didn't tell me. I only found out this weekend and when we were making arrangements for me to see him for the first time this week and he mentioned that he needs to go and buy another bed as he has been sleeping on the couch since his return ass he gave the main room to his daughter. I took issue with this (yes I took it personally) as when she was living FT with me for a year, she paid no rent, did not contribute in any way, did not do any house work. Was unemployed and he did not push her to find one and had 2 horses staying on my property, eating pasture I had spent money on paying for and using my facilities (sand arena etc). NOT ONCE did she think to ask what can she do to help me as she couldn't financially contribute. She would seep on the couch nearly all day and i would come home from FT work to find her asleep. She used to wash all her horse rugs (she had 100's) in my washing machine leaving horse hair in there, and her dog would leave shits on the floor and she rarely cleaned it up. One time she ended up getting a job..it lasted 2 days and BF hardly said boo about it. I got sick of it and had a word and it became crystal clear to me from that time onwards, she felt like it was my job to care for her as she was "part of the package with her dad living with me" and that she will only work in a job she wanted to do. :jawdrop: When I tried to talk about my concerns and feelings of being taken advantage of, he would instantly defend her over me. That's why Im acting sensitive about it and hence it was my hill to die on over the bedroom thing. She still hasn't found a proper job. The reason why she is staying with her dad now? Because she is not getting on with her Bfs parents and no doubt they are equally sick of her bludging ways as I was as when she left my place she went to live with her BF's place and he still lives with his parents (and he is 24 and works FT!!).
But thank you giving me another perspective to think about
It helps.
So sorry for you, I think I
So sorry for you, I think I have nothing to add here, the previous posters have said it all. Stay here and stay strong, xo
I'm so sorry about your mare.
I'm so sorry about your mare. That must be devastating.
I'm so pleased to hear that your luck turned around when you finally got rid of that lousy ass man and his overgrown kids. COngrats on that!
Seriously... GF, then Fiance, then GF, then kicked out?
How about quit playing his juvenile games, pick yourself up, and go demand better out of LIFE. Not him. LIFE. YOURSELF.
Holy crap stop groveling for his scraps. Be an alpha mare.
"Be an alpha mare". I sooooo
"Be an alpha mare".
I sooooo love this furkidsforme!! Thanks
Alpha Mare would beat the
Alpha Mare would beat the snot out of all of them. Show them your heels and don't look back.
Sorry about the loss of your horse. Been there and it stinks. Seriously, that seemed more meaningful than an on/off situation with someone who didn't have time or respect for you.
i am so sorry to hear about
i am so sorry to hear about your horse. this is an agony that you dont need on top of the skids. you need time to grieve for her.
you need to find a man less covered in guilt. guilt is the driving emotion in remarried fathers and it can destroy a marriage.
skids are part of the package but they often get put up on a pedestal by guilty fathers and the new wife coming in second place.
To Sueu2....putting it that
To Sueu2....putting it that way shocked me into reality. I did allow things to transpire but I did try and seek support from him to help me when dealing with her. I was her friend before I became her step mother and had hoped she would step up as he would too to support me to enforce boundaries and expectations with her. He was allowing it so why should she listen to me?
"Then, it should have been a matter of telling him and his kid(s) to leave your house since they couldn't respect you and your wishes. You didn't do that because you didn't want to lose him. Now, you couldn't stand him further spoiling her in his own house."
I did ask them to leave eventually when he gave her a car to sell as she had no money (unemployed) and was an asset of his, without any thought for maybe it would help me to pay for the next lot of household bills. That's what sent me over the edge and asked them to leave. We broke up and broke off the engagement. In the next couple of months, we started talking again and he assured me he understood about not enabling her and to support me more, loved me and wanted to try again... but we never officially got re-engaged or lived together and he got his rental and would stay a lot with me talking about getting married one day after...this that and the other things were out the way first. It wasn't until the other night when we talked that it finally clicked that we would never be able to officially ever live together as its important to him to have a place for his kids to live (even when they are adults) so they can seek respite from the world so it will never be with me as I "kicked them out before and he would always be waiting for me to kick them out again"...his words. It dawned on me that we could never be together officially from that remark as it told me his truth that he would always side with his kids and never back me demanding respect and if I ever asked any of them to leave for what ever reason, he would leave too.
I deserve more than that and I cant stay forever in limbo with a man as his kids will always come back. Its been nearly 5 years and I deserver to be treated more like a partner and less of a girlfriend.
You are right Sueu2...it is his house and place and he can make what ever decisions he likes for what ever reasons for himself or his kids. But I cant see a future for us as I refuse to continue living my life in limbo while waiting for his kids to leave home.
And I also see that the adult girl is who she is because of how she was raised. My kids would never treat people so disrespectfully.
This time Im choosing to take control of my life and what I want and refuse to feel guilty of wanting more (he sends the message that all he needed was time and space to sort things out with his kids....what....for 3 more years? It never ends.
You do not have BF so don'w
You do not have BF so don'w worry what this loser X is dealing with. Not your problem.
Take care of yourself.
So sorry for the loss of your
So sorry for the loss of your mare & that you've had such a horrendous week. I don't think it would be a good idea for you to even be friends with your ex BF as he appears to reel you in with empty promises. No point in wasting your life on someone who is not prepared to meet your needs emotionally whilst draining you financially at the same time. You deserve so much more.
I'm so very sorry about your
I'm so very sorry about your horse.
You absolutely deserve to be happy and in a healthy relationship so just keep moving forward. Good for you for knowing what you will and will not put up with. That's a step in the right direction.
Thank you to all the posters
Thank you to all the posters who took the time to write and show their support...I am indeed humbled by your good wishes and replies.
I think Sueu2 just sees the obvious and just gets to the point. It took her all of 10 mins and its taken me 4 and half years! She does have a point but thank you stepaside for seeing my strength despite being taken for granted for too long.
I guess I lived in hope for way too long and now realise that I will NEVER allow someone to treat me the way again and I will be way more protective of me and my future in the future.
"I don't think it would be a good idea for you to even be friends with your ex BF as he appears to reel you in with empty promises"...I see this now sootica...he has done this to me too many times. No more. He is trying to reel me in again with recognising my needs (too late), wanting to talk and texting me (But was too busy before) and Im gathering he is now getting that Im serious, he is having a hard time dealing with the fact that I might meet someone else and I told him its now none of his business..( I refuse to sit at home pining away after him and when Im ready, will be going out again with my friends)
Thanks ladies....your words have soothed my soul slightly and Im finally seeing things more clearly as Ive taken a week off of work. I feel quite positive that hope will come from this tragedy as perhaps now Im free to meet a person who will truly care about my happiness and who dosent run rough shod over my feelings.
I still grieve for my beautiful mare every single day and miss her presence (and her cheeky ways)but Ironically, from something that's so bad, that something so good may come from it.