I'm back serious advice needed
Ok, so i was on a few months ago...got counseling through my eap program, it didn't help I am still in my relationship. SS 6, BF of 3 years. I am stuck of my own will, afraid to leave afraid to stay. I am depressed, lonely and feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life by even being in this relationship. It's not horrible, the SS6 is a good kid, the BM is a decent person and a good mother...it's all me, after being in this I know in my heart of hearts I do not want to be a Mom of any description. I feel like a horrible person, I didn't know what I was getting into...I mean the depths of what being with a man with a child really was like. We have him 50% of the time, my SO wants me to be more involved, be a "hockey mom" be involved in school functions...I have had full on panic attacks at these functions. Before we got serious I absolutely told him I did not want to be anyone's mother and that I would be a supportive adult in his child's life but not a Mother. I mean he has a Mother and a good one at that. I don't have a horror story of a witchy BM, in fact I actually like her and can relate to her wanting to do things for her self and not wanting to be the only one who plans everything..school breaks, camps for summer, babysitters. etc. I fear my SO is projecting the life he wanted with her on to me. When I said no to being the hockey mom he came back with "it's the greatest job in the world being a mother, why wouldn't you want that?" I said well frankly I think the travel channel hosts have the greatest jobs in the world. he replied with "you have to get over you image as an independent woman" really? I said not an image, a personal choice. I have an amazing relationship with my brother and his wife, they have been together since I was 12 and they basically raised me...long story but we have a bond that is rare, ANYWAY they have 2 kids who I am really close with too, the 5 of us are a family unit...my SO tries to compare my relationship with their kids to my relationship with his all the time. I was honest, it will take a LOT of time for me to feel the way I feel about my niece and nephew to the way I feel about his kid. I mean with my family I have been there since before they were born, they know me as a part of their immediate family I have lived with them, the one person they look to outside of their parents if they need anything. I just do not feel that for SS6. I long for my single days, my friends see this change in me. I was the girl who loved life, who truly lived every day, I traveled on a whim I worked hard and played hard...I am but a shell of what I once was. I know I need to leave but I can't even talk to my SO, I used to be able to but he has a temper...not the kind that would get physical, the type that blows it all out of proportion and I am the one who has issues because "life can't be all fun"... well my life was fun, I owned a house, had a great job and friends, I traveled, have a fantastic credit score and a great work ethic...I just do no want kids of my own, I like kids but I want to LIVE MY LIFE! For me that means FREEDOM.
Yes, everyone will say you have to leave, but how? 3 years an innocent kid, we own a vehicle together...how do you approach the conversation? The kid is young enough to not be totally effed up and the vehicle is only money...but really how do you start that conversation with a man who is known to "lose his cookies" (his words) needed to vent and get it out...thank you
You don't start a
You don't start a conversation with him, because he's going to lose his temper and then try and manipulate you into staying.
I can't tell if you have a job or not, as you said you "had" a great job. If you don't have one, get one. Start putting away money and move out of this environment.
Your SO isn't respecting your wishes or the desires you have for your life. You flat out told him you don't want to be a mom or parent his child. You're one of the few lucky ones who have a nice BM, who loves her child. She is probably nice to you because she understands how you feel.
You hit the nail on the head already, he wants to fit you into his idea of the perfect woman. You already know it's like trying to jam a square peg into a round hole.
Bottom line, you tell him you're leaving. That he's trying to change the terms of your relationship and it's not fair to you or to the SS to stay when you are so miserable.
You're facing a sea change in your life and you need to decide if you want to fulfill your dreams or remain a shell of who you used to be.
I understand your concerns for your SS, however he has two parents and they will care for him. He will not be messed up because you are ending the relationship. He will be more messed up if you remain and he believes the relationship you have with your SO is normal.
^^^^^ Agree ^^^^ Care for
^^^^^ Agree ^^^^
Care for yourself. Get your ducks in a row. And live your life as you think best.
You sound as if you have been very clear in your communication and SO is choosing not to believe you. I understand the weight of years making it difficult to call a "do-over." However, it definitely sounds as if he changed the game plan. Kinda like cheating or lying or ... Your SO probably is not aware that he is attempting to remake you to fit his concept of perfect woman/friend/mother. Or, he is aware and just thinks that you'll come around to his idea in time.
You are perfect the way you are right this minute. You do not need a child of your own, or someone else's to be complete. Sounds as if you have a structural or fundamental mismatch there. Find your wings.
I so understand your post.
I so understand your post. "I fear my SO is projecting the life he wanted with her on to me." When I was dating DH, he asked me straight up if we could pretend SD is "our" child and raise her together. Why I didn't walk away at that moment...I'll never know. Stupid. Back then, I had no kids, my own house, my own car, and a great career. Now...I'm a full-time stay-at-home mom to BD4 and SD11. How I wish I could go back in time and choose to keep my freedom.
How does your SO know being a mother is the greatest job in the world? Has he ever been someone's full-time mother? I've never even heard anyone say that for real. Most people say being a mother is the most difficult job in the world.
Freedom is right! Don't let the "innocent kid" be part of any of your decisions. It's not like you are his mom and you are abandoning him. That's your SOs problem to give the kid stability, not yours. In my experience, my SD is not a changed person for having me in her life full time and I have tried to be the good example that BM has never done. But still, even after 6 years, SD just hates me and can't get over the fact that I'm not her "real" mom. No matter what good I've done for her, I am always the disposable person in her life even though BM has only visited 3 times in 6 years. SD ignores me and walks away any time I try to talk to her or ask her questions. She refuses to let me help or give any advice.
If your vehicle is the only thing tying you together, consider yourself LUCKY AS HELL. Decide what's best for YOU and only you.
At least it isn't a last name
At least it isn't a last name keeping you two together. I walked away from my now DH once, and sometimes I really wish I had stayed away. I am a first rate pianist being forced to play third chair to SD & BM who don't even read music. --- if you want that freedom, and you don't want to wake up in the morning and hate yourself, you need to just leave.
It really is as simple as that. You don't need an exit strategy, you don't need to sort out the car. Just pack your most important things while everyone is out of the house and leave.
Leave a note, let your brother know where you'll be and live for a few days before contacting your SO to try to sort the car out. That few days will let you gain a clear head and good perspective on things.
Thank you everyone, I know I
Thank you everyone, I know I have to leave...I am stuck but everyday I feel like I am getting closer to getting the courage to leave. I don't understand why I am having such a hard time, I mean I am a strong, independent, brave woman WTH am I waiting for and why can't I just say the words and walk? IDK, which is why i went to counseling to help with my self worth or esteem or whatever the hell I need to just get on with my fabulous life...the one I had before SO.
Yes I feel like he did a bait and switch with this life, he said we would be an "adventurous team" and lots of other things that have not happened. He is in bed by 9 and works or fishes. I don't babysit anymore, which was an issue but I did stand my ground on that one. I honestly think he figured i would fall in love with the kid, and this place (I moved to be with him and I hate it here), and him and just was waiting for someone to make me a wife and a Mom, UGH.
I used to have a voice, I spoke up when things bothered me but I have given up talking to him about anything pretty much, when he gets frustrated he starts yelling and leaves. He frustrates VERY easily, something simple like not being able to find something can cause a blowup. Even his Mother is afraid to talk to him about anything at all emotionally charged, he has zero relationship with everyone else in his family due to his anger issues, of course he blames it on his father, long story. He isn't like that with his kid, thank god. He seems to be able to keep it together where he is concerned. SO has said if it weren't for his kid he'd never speak to any of his family again and not regret it. I can't even imagine, my family is so important to me, I would never ever even raise my voice in front of my Mother, especially at a family gathering, again long story but I am sure you can get the pattern. Another thing is he smokes pot from the time he wakes up until he sleeps, yes he does work and makes a decent living. It's legal here so almost everyone I know is a stoner but me...I gave that crap up in my 20s, seriously I am not sure how 40 somethings can do that and function and why would you want to? We are both 47, btw.
Yes he is the wrong man for me, period with or without a kid, so why the hell can't I just leave? My self esteem is clearly on the low end right now, the therapist I was seeing was of no help and I have to wait to reapply to the EAP program at work in order to switch therapists, I will do that. I am leaving to spend some time with my family and am hoping being around them will boost me back up some. They are incredibly supportive, I don't tell them too much because for a while I wasn't sure but I am now and I just want out. Yes I do have a career, I can take it with me and actually travel with it.
I am not that worried about the loan we have together, he would just have to put it in his name and refinance the loan...I would just worry that he would not do that and it's not something I can take with me. I don't want to screw with my credit because I have awesome credit. I am sure something can be worked out with tho, it is small in the scheme of things.
I know this sounds pathetic, there is zero reason for me to stay and yet here I sit.
Thanks all, again, just getting this stuff out is helping. I am so glad I found this board.
Next time he yells and leaves
Next time he yells and leaves call a locksmith and rekey the locks. End of problem.
Take care of yourself and move on to a partner that is of character that deserves you.
No, you don't sound pathetic.
No, you don't sound pathetic. The sound of pathetic would be if you completely caved, buried yourself in someone else's reality.
I am 51 and I chose to recreate my self in my 40's. I couldn't understand how I had gotten so far off-track. It took a sudden divorce to force me to re-evaluate my life. It seems that "The Powers That Be" had given me only so much Life energy and attention units to spend before I die, so it is up to me where I choose to place them.
I remember that I had one of those large drawing pads of paper. I made a giant "T" on each page. I listed +'s on one side and on the other side I listed -'s to a variety of issues ... Stay married/Get divorced/Sell ranch-Move to town/Career. You get the picture. I did not hide them in a notebook. I taped them all around the master bedroom walls. Eventually they helped me get clarity and make the decisions which most resonated with my more authentic sense of Self. (You know, that lost voice which you spoke of.)
Be gentle with yourself during this period. Remember that this next year will pass no matter what you do. You will be 48 regardless ... where do you want to be ? Who do you want to be ?
I'm still a work in progress, but I have had lots of help. There are a lot of us out here, so post when you can.
Thank you, I took a couple
Thank you, I took a couple days to look over my old posts and re-read responses etc. I really like the idea of the +/- lists. I had one going but it is about my whole life so breaking it down into individual decisions is a great idea. I will have to keep mine in a notebook but I will carry that in my work bag and look at it everyday. maybe it will really help me get clarity, I think one of the things holding me back is some weird belief I have that you stick it out but frankly we are not married, this kid is not mine and I spend the majority of my time alone anyway. These are all things that will go on my lists.
We live in an apt and it is in both of our names so I can't really just leave and I don't have authority to change the locks and I will leave this place ASAP after the break up. I have no reason to live here except him. I saw the landlord and told her I was going home to help my Mom for a bit and asked what would happen if I needed to stay and BF had to rent the kid's bedroom out, she said just talk to them about it and they would work out something. I have brought up the fact that my parents are aging with my BF so if she happened to say something it won't cause a huge issue. I think I will call the bank and ask about the loan too. I have also lived here for 3 years and worked one of my jobs for as long so I would like to get a reference, I can probably quit before I leave...it will just mean a plan. I wouldn't want to just walk out of the kid's life either, he's a good kid, I care about him and would like to say goodbye so leaving when they are not home isn't an option for me either. I also feel like having the conversation is important for me and my life, kind of a life lesson thing. I don't want to stay here so my own place isn't an option, good luck anyway people here roommate well into their 60s, 70s and for me it is too freaking cold and so expensive and boring unless you are an outdoorsy freak. Which I am not. This is a multi state move, it will take a little planning and money. BUT that is ok.
Anyway, thank you. It's getting pretty bad when I am looking forward to grocery shopping just so I don't have to be around him. HA HA
If you're not happy and don't
If you're not happy and don't see a way to get happy while staying in this relationship...leave. Yes it's difficult, it's not ideal, you are worried about the kid but you have to make the decision that's best for you. It's not your child and you're not married. If you feel that you've done everything in your power to make this relationship work and it's still not working...walk away. Stop wasting your time and their time. It's not fair to anyone. Relationships end...it's not the end of the world.
Make a plan. List out all of the reason why this relationship isn't working for you. List the things that you want from life. If you've been together for 3 years, you know what you're talking about. Being scared to talk to your SO is probably another good reason that you don't belong together. It's going to be a very uncomfortable and possibly painful conversation but what's the alternative? How much longer are you going to suffer in silence?
Is there something that he can say to change your mind? Think about all his possible reactions and be prepared to respond to anything that he might say. Being a single parent can be extremely difficult. I'm sure that there are many single parents who are looking for someone to share that load. The bottom line is, his baggage is not your responsibility if you don't want it to be.
Thank you, you are
Thank you, you are right...this is not fair to any of us. I am not the same vivacious person that I was 3 years ago I deserve a life that totally rocks...we all do!, my BF should be with someone who actually wants to play a mom role (more involvement than I do) and the kid deserves someone who wants to be more than a peripheral adult in his life. I could not agree more, the problem is I can not get the words from my brain to my mouth...be that as it is, I AM working on it. I AM trying to find the courage necessary to do this.
I have tried for 3 years to be happy here, on my own, my own life, network, etc...I believe it is important for people to have a network that is not tied to their relationship Being a "be all end all" is not good for anyone. So yes, I need to leave, to live MY life...which isn't likely to include them unless by some miracle things change...highly doubt that because I am unwilling to change anymore and my BF is highly unlikely to do anything different than he is right now.
Thank you all again. it really does help to just type it out!
I wish you the best Kat67...I
I wish you the best Kat67...I know this isn't easy for you but sometimes we build up fear in our own minds. I'm not suggesting that it won't be difficult but you're probably imagining the worst. People break up. Married people with kids get divorced. It happens. It's ok to take care of your own needs and live the best life you can. We only get one.
Thank you! and all the best
Thank you! and all the best to you too Chickiedee!