Need advice from people that know...
I am 25 years old and engaged to marry my boyfriend (35) of 4 years who is divorced and has two children (ages 10 and 5). Once we got engaged I began having panic attacks about being a stepmother. I have my own step parents whom I don't have good relationships with because they have been unhealthy partners for each of my parents (obviously I am not treating my partner or his kids badly, but it has created a sour image in my head about the image of stepparents to children). When my boyfriend and I started dating his kids weren't really in the picture. I didn't spend time with him when he had his kids at his house, and we would spend time alone on his "off" days. It was only when we moved in together (2 years into our relationship) that I became involved with his kids. In the beginning we slept separately so he could continue sleeping with his kids like he did when they went to his house. We didn't hold hands, say "I love you", etc. At first I was supportive of this because I wanted to ease into my relationship with them as well, but it was difficult too because when we were alone we had such fun and romance and interaction, and when the kids came it centered around protecting their feelings and being in hiding. Also, when he moved in with me his ex-wife began to "renew" her feelings for him and began sending messages and writing love letters, etc. She decided to hate me and she let her feelings be known to her 10 year old daughter. This was a difficult time because my boyfriend didn't return any feelings but he didn't stop her from expressing hers either out of concern that he would see his kids less. Initially, I thought it would be great for them to be friends for his kids (being a child of divorced parents myself) but wound up hurt when I was excluded for them to spend time togethr and found that this propelled his kids' image of mom and dad getting back together. As time progressed, my relationship with the 10 year old got more complicated when she denied me being her dad's girlfriend, introduced her friends to me as her dad's "friend", didn't even come inside the house while she waited for her mom to pick her up if it was just she and I alone, etc. In November of last year things started to turn around when my boyfriend started to take more action to express his commitment to me. He talked with his kids, told his ex wife he wanted to marry me and start a family with me, etc. The 10 year old changed her attitude somewhat but mostly stuck to small talk (hi, bye, how are you, forced hugs, etc.). Then in January, the ex-wife got a boyfriend and I really noticed a change in her behavior (less texts for small talk, more distance between them, etc.). She even emailed me and told me that she had told her 10 year old that "she doesn't have to hate me". In our home, I have really assumed the role of the mother, and I am kind of resentful that I am always doing their cooking, getting their uniforms put together, but they could care less if I am there or not there, and CONSTANTLY talk about their mom, and their mom and dad being together. My boyfriend really doesn't pick up on why that would be annoying, and it frustrates me even more. I feel very underappreciated by all of them. His family has a very close relationship still with his ex-wife and this is also hard for me. I feel like I am always competing with someone who should be in the past. For the most part, I have a great relationship with his kids, especially the 5 year old. They don't yell at me, or cause tantrums or anything like that. They know that we are engaged and didn't put up a fight. They are genuinely good kids. But without kids of my own, its hard for me to not take some things personally, especially with the 10 year old. I can tell she is still grappling with our relationship, and I want to be understanding, but it also drives me crazy wondering for how long this will continue, especially since she will be a teenager in a few years! I spend more than half the week with them, and their dad is usually working, but she still prefers an aunt that she sees once a year, or a friend than me. She obviously sees me as a threat or something, but its hard to not be hurt when I do everything for them and they don't really genuinely love me or would be more than happy to have mom and dad back together in a hearbeat. Lately she also just blatantly ignores me, or excludes me. I also have a lot of issues about things in the future... That my kids will not be his firt kids, that my finances will go to support his kids, that the ex-wife will always be in the picture, if they will ever stop talking about their mom and dad being together, if my kids will be subjected to hearing about their mom constantly, if my kids will get less attention, if I will ever be as close to his family when they still constantly communicate with his ex, how we will be able to support 4-5 children, etc.
To be honest, I am scared about being a stepmom and its not what I envisioned for my life. Unfortunately, many, if not all, of my issues with my boyfriend revolve around his kids, his relationship with his ex because of his kids, his family's relationship with his ex because of his kids, our unability to travel or move because of his kids, finances because of his kids, etc. And its difficult to talk to him about any of it objectively because of course he loves them very much and he doesn't understand. I don't know how to handle a teenager in a few short years when I will just be beginning to think about my own family.
Am I being too over-analytical? Is there a way that I can work through these issues since most of them stem from my own doubts, and hypothetical insecurities? Is there a better way to communicate with my partner about these things?
I would really appreciate some advice (pros/cons) from people in a similar situation or who went through a similar situation. Thank you.
His kids and the kids family
His kids and the kids family will never go away. My generic advise to all is never become a step-parent. Its better for the kids, its better for you and its better for the bio-parents. Kids because they maintain a two parent picture of their parents. Better for you as you will remain sane. Better for the bio-parent as they can concentrate on their children.
Everything will be worse after you marry. Marriage will disrupt the whole system I've described above. The children, mother and much of his family will at best dislike you and at worst hate you.
You want a family? Find a single guy without children. There are a million of them out there just waiting.
Can we make that into a
Can we make that into a bumper sticker?
Agreed! My DH has a daughter
Agreed! My DH has a daughter from a previous relationship and she has made my life hell (no fault of her own, of course, she just should have never been brought into the world). We have her every other week for the full week so there really is no escape. She is in my house half the time (and I say my house because I am the only one who has a real job and pays bills). I would never advise anyone to become a stepparent. It is the most thankless job I have ever had. If I could go back, I would never have married my DH. I love him but all the bs that comes along with him is just too much. You can find a man with no kids and you will not have to deal with all the baggage. My DH's family doesn't like me because they see me as some sort of homewrecker (even though DH and BM were split up for a while before we got together, and they were never even married in the first place). The BM has made it her life mission to come between DH and I. It's just a horrible mess and I would certainly not recommend putting yourself in that type of situation.
Remember...it's about the
Remember...it's about the kids. I have to tell myself this OVER and OVER and OVER. They didn't ask to be put in this situation and they certainly don't have the tools to deal with it.
I have to say it sounds as if you are doing quite well.
A funny thing about being a step-parent is that we often expect gratitude from our step-kids, but we are okay without it from our own kids.
You are right, your kids will never be his first kids, but only one is truly first anyway. And your finances will go to support his kids, but is it really about the money?
If you marry him, and since you live together its really just a matter of a contract, then his family IS your family and yes you will have to arrange your life around his kids to some degree. Marriage is like managing a partnership and a step-family is like managing an entire board of directors. You can't make everyone agree, but you can strive to make everyone content.
Something else to think about, even though a ten year difference doesn't seem like much, you are in very different stages of your lives. Sometimes a square peg just doesn't fit into a round hole.
I remember being 25 and I am a much better parent in my 30's. There is something to say for age and experience. You won't really know that 'till you are aged and experienced like me
Enjoy your 20's.
I think/believe the reason SM
I think/believe the reason SM expect gratitude from the skids is because everything that we do for them is a CHOICE it is not something that we HAVE TO/MUST do...we dont & shouldnt have to do jack shit for these kids if we dont want to, they are their bio-parents problem and responsibility not ours!!!
IMHO......
This is true but kids are not
This is true but kids are not sophisticated or mature enough to know.
Wow....I feel like I just
Wow....I feel like I just read my own feelings and fears....I ask myself the same questions that you keep asking yourself...but from personal experience from dating two different men with shitty kids and douchebag bms I would definitely suggest that you get the strength and courage to walk away from this relationship.
I have no doubt in my mind that you could find a great KIDLESS man!!! You have so much going for you...you are young & you have no kids tying you down. You have a shitload of oppurtunities to find a great guy that wont make you feel this way!!!
You are on this site for a reason and you are asking yourself these questions for a reason...you are doubting yourself and this situation and this relationship FOR A REASON!!!!
To thine own self be true...you can do better and you DESERVE better then this shitty situation that you would be getting yourself into!!!
Keep us posted!!! We are rooting for you
Now I realise how things
Now I realise how things begin is how they continue. My husband allowed his adult children to completely ignore me the first time they came here, no hello, no goodbye, no eye contact. His reason, it was the first visit, he didn't want to push it (she was 20), The second visit, same thing, his reason, it is early days, give her time, the third visit, same, the fourth and subsequent visits, she suddenly had enough time to start talking and being rude to me, discussing her mother and talking about things with dad that he an mum used to do. His excuse for allowing that, she's just mad becuse I left her mother, again, give her time. After 8 years (how stupid was I), I finally banned her from my home and my life and had reached a point were my husband was more than welcome to go with her. Funnily enough, when I told her she was no longer welcome in my home, and I told my husband, you need to go with her because I am done with this, I will never allow you to let your children treat me like this ever again, he tucked his tail between his legs, he didn't want to go and live with his daughter, this daughter he had placed so high upon a pedestal, suddenly he was terriffied of being the one who had to put up with her 24/7. When HE was going to be the focus of her attention, then it was different. He knew exactly what she was like.
Your FDH unfortunately has started off putting your feelings to the side too, and focussed on his kids feelings, once the kids saw that, the push was on to talk about mom etc., and he was good with that, then mom wanted to express her love for him, and he was fine with that. In all of this concern he had for the feelings of his ex wife and children, where was his concern for your feelings. Given you are on this site, things haven't changed, well except perhaps gotten worse. Unfortunately you cannot undo what your FDH and the BM of these children have done, dad has shown the kids "THEY" come first, and mom has clearly let them know she has no time for you and they don't have to either. Mom now has a boyfriend and she my have backed off a bit, but too little too late, the kids will never forget that she told them to hate you. They are little now, this will only get worse. Read more on this site. People keep recommending a book called Stepmonster, maybe you should read that before committing any further. You cannot change this, your FDH is the only one who can, chances are he won't after all, he's happy. He has the love of his kids, he has a live in babysitter, cook and cleaner, and as they say, he has a friend with benefits, so all is good in his world.
You need to take a long hard look at your situation and how you are being treated, perhaps even taken for granted by your FDH, and this is all in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Marriage does not make these situations better, it makes them worse. If he treats you like this when you could simply walk out the door one morning and never have anything to do with him again, how much worse will it be when you are legally tied to him, and you will have to have contact with him re legal matters etc if you walk out the door, how much worse will it be if you have children with him, when he not only has a legal hold on you but also a deeper emotional one due to you two sharing a child together. These believe it or not, are the good times - Having fun yet.
All of your concerns are valid concerns. Unfortunately your FDH is the one who needs to be looking into the future and facing these concerns with you, as they are his children, but no, he is just sweeping it all under the carpet and taking it one day at a time.
I would suggest as others have, do not go ahead with this, find someone with no children, if this is something you do not want to do (yes we know you love him) we have all been there, then perhaps if the book Stepmonster does not help you, maybe counseling before marriage would be a very good idea for BOTH of you. If your FDH does not want to do that, then please do not go through with this. Marriage is hard, both of you have to work at it, one person giving, and the other taking, never works out.
The problem Stephy
The problem Stephy unfortunately is - they are not on the same page. She has been clearly hurt, isolated and left out and her FDH doesn't seem to have noticed. He left her alone while he spend time with the ex and his kids, she because she loves him put up with that at first (her words) because she thought it would be good for the kids if their parents remained friends, her reward for that, the kids then got the idea than mom and dad would get back together and they shunned her more. You are right when you say if they are on the same page there is a chance, put if two people are not on the same page, no matter how deeply she loves him, she may well end up devasted over this.
Even though it appears you and your husband are supportive of each other you say you still get emotionally beat from this and get very down and upset,and DH's family will not accept you to seem to have a lot on your plate and you are still hurting with a husband who is supportive. This situation is pretty well impossible when your partner is supportive all right, but supportive of his kids and his ex. I believe you have total support from your husband and am truly thankful for that, it is always nice when someone on this site says their husband/SO is supportive, however, it does not seem as though the OP has that luxury.
"I truly wish DH didn't have
"I truly wish DH didn't have a child with someone else & think if he didn't that it would be SOOO much better. In a perfect world for me there would be no SD & DH's family would be different."
I too wish the same thing....everything between my BF and I is so great until EOW rolls around and I am reminded that he has to do the daddy thing...
The advice given by Orange
The advice given by Orange County Ca. is right on the money !!!!!
I couldn't agree more !!
No matter how much you do for
No matter how much you do for a person, you can't force\trick them into liking or loving you.
There are plenty of SMs here who do not like their well behaved,kind, repectful...SKs. The kids haven't done anything to cause the feelings, they SM just doesn't like them. Many here say that that is ok because we can't control our feelings. Well, that works both ways. Kids can also dislike SPs who are kind, friendly....
You have to figure out why you have decided to take on the mom role in your home. Are you doing it because you enjoy it and it makes you happy? Or are you doing it because you think it's a way to get your SKs to like you?
Stop focusing on them not loving you and deal with the lack of respect.
Regardless of how they feel about you, they MUST respect you in your home.n
^^^ EXACTLY!!!! I could care
^^^ EXACTLY!!!! I could care less if my BF's son likes me at all!!! BUT when he is in MY HOUSE he HAS NO CHOICE but to abide by the rules that EVERYONE in our house has to follow or he can go back to the hole he crawled out from under (aka with bm)
He may be his son BUT and only come around EOW or whenever BUT that does not give him the right to a free pass on respecting the people in our home and our rules!!! PLAIN AND SIMPLE!!!
You are right on Disneyfan!!!
I didn't get past that you
I didn't get past that you are 25 and getting involved with a man who has two kids and an x wife..... I don't need to to give you my advice.
RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!!!!!!!!! And don't look back.