Need Help - Wife is shutting herself out

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Hey everyone, I could use some advice. My wife came from South America to be with me about a year and a half ago. We have been married for a year now and I couldn't be happier with her. To me she is the most amazing woman.

Lately however, things have been getting difficult in regards to my kids both girls ages 6 and 9. I was recently divorced before my current wife came to the US. My kids stay with us every other weekend, typically from 6pm Friday to around 3pm Sunday. I also used to take them to dinner one night a week. The first 6 months she was here she was very active with them, helping to plan things to do on their weekends and being a part of it etc. We made a road trip half way across the country to see my parents with my kids and current wife etc. Things were good. Honestly she was more involved than I expected or anticipated.

Let's fast forward to about 6-9 months after her arrival in the country. (One thing you must understand is she was here before and we have known each other for some time, she also knew my kids). My wife has gotten to the point that she basically wants nothing to do with my kids, she seems to get pissed off at even the thought of them coming etc to the point I consider she gets a bit hostile to me. When I leave to go pick my kids up for the weekend she never goes which is fine but for some time before leaving she shuts down. Doesn't look at me, sticks to her iPad. If I try to give her attention, hugs, kisses etc she doesn't reciprocate, goes cold basically. I tell her goodbye when I leave and she doesn't respond.

When on my way to pick up my kids (they live 45 mins away), I get text messages how she is not important, how I just want my old family back, or to fuck off etc. None of it could be farther from the truth. I have gotten to the point that I don't mention my kids whatsoever when they are not here, and I don't take them to dinner one night a week anymore. She has made comments how she has given up everything for me , her country, culture, family etc and acts like I have given up nothing. I'm not sure how to respond here because I would give up everything for her except my kids. She says she would never want me to do that and that I am a good father to them, and to keep being a good father to them no matter how she feels that she will get over it. This has gotten harder to do because there is soooo much tension now in regards to anything relating to my kids.

When my kids are here my wife stays in her room 90% of the time. I basically try to keep them out of the house as much as I can. If I come home I msg her to let her know and she leaves the house or locks her self in her room. She likes going to the gym so typically on Friday night when I come back with my kids after eating she leaves the house, waits for me to get home then come back to take the car to the gym all while avoiding seeing my kids. When she gets home my kids are already in bed. Saturdays she doesn't usually come out of the room until we leave. There have been times I needed something from the house, literally just to stop by and pick something up..or I will bring her lunch and drop it off. Even dropping off lunch or picking something up she stresses out and doesn't want me to bring my kids in, to leave them in the car while I drop something off or pick something up etc. I try to give her a heads up when we are coming to the house for something and her reaction is always negative, like trying to avoid me coming back with them.

We used to do things together but that all changed. Now I just spend my weekends out of the house trying to give her space. She says she enjoys my older child 9 but basically can't stand the younger one because she reminds her of their mother. She treats them well when she does see them and they are around but I find her being more open to my older child and at times cold to my younger one.

I have absolutely no contact with their mother with the exception of a text message on rare occasion if there is something I need to know about the kids school and to setup a time to pick them up for their weekends. If my kids call which is rare but if they do I get nervous to answer because I'm concerned my wife is going to get upset over something about it. We originally planned to move away in about a year and a half from now which honestly frightens me a bit right now because I am concerned if she is acting this way that I will be totally shut out from any communication from my kids in the future. Were things going better as they were in the beginning I would feel more comfortable with the idea. She expects that I keep pulling away more from my kids so we can have our own life etc. She now things every other weekend is too much to see them and that I am not transitioning into this situation. I told her that I feel anything less than every other weekend is being a shitty father considering that we currently live close by. I told her that as long as we live this close I would expect nothing less because I know the day will come when we move and things will change thus I take advantage of this opportunity now.

There are so many other things to say about this that have happened, I'm not sure where to begin. All I know is that this is driving a wedge in our marriage. This weekend was our weekend and the other night I saw her look a little depressed for a bit, she mumbled comments like "this weekend is about over, then the week will go by fast". The other night my parents called inviting us to a potential christmas gathering. After I got off the phone and told my wife she instantly asked, "invited who? you and your kids" to which I later had to explain that she would never be left out from anything.

I love my wife like crazy but I also love my kids. I feel that having my kids every other weekend is not too much to ask. These weekends are now very stressful because of the situation which is the last thing I want. I try to be supportive and put up with the rude comments made etc but at a loss for what to do now. I feel things are toxic because of this situation. Does this get easier, is every other weekend too much to ask? Any advice is appreciated!

I'll have to disagree with

I'll have to disagree with "You should be happy she is giving you the whole weekend to spend with your kids."

He should spend the weekend with his kids regardless if she "allows" it or not.

I do think there is more to the story though that we're not hearing. I'd be willing to bet that perhaps she may be getting a little "jealous" over the time he spends with the kids. Perhaps your kids have an attitude problem and she's tired of putting up with them?

Agreed. I don't get this

Agreed. I don't get this phenomenon either.

Exactly.

Thanks for the responses. I

Thanks for the responses. I am not dad of the year and yes there is a lot missing, this post could be much longer.

Stacey, you think that the fact she gives me every other weekend with my kids is a big deal for her? I ask because from my viewpoint I feel this is reasonable.

I have been around a lot of kids, they have their moments as do all kids but to be honest they are not bad kids at all. They play and entertain themselves when here.

I don't leave any parenting duties to my wife actually. She has shut herself out and not around to do anything anyway. I always make their food, breakfast, lunch dinner etc. I make sure they clean up after themselves. Before they leave to go home I ensure everything is left the way it was before they came. The only difficulty we have sometimes is getting them to eat "good" food. I don't put up with letting them eat whatever they want. This has gotten better as well.

There are no events I am aware of that caused this to happen. The way I see it is that she tried to give it her all in the beginning and got burnt out because as you say, they are not her kids. In the beginning my kids would ask her to do things and I would try to tell them no that she was busy etc but my wife would insist that it was ok. Also on a side note there are people that are "kid people" and my wife is not one of those people. She says she loves my kids but then shows she can't stand the thought of them.

I for one don't think every

I for one don't think every other weekend alone is too much to ask for. If I understand you correctly, you would be happy to include her but are spending the time alone to allow her the space. If you are excluding her for some reason then the problem would seem to be pretty obvious.

If I want to spend time with my kids I can expect a generally supportive attitude from DH. He refers to this time as "Me" time. I'm pretty sure he plays video games while I'm gone, LOL. As long as DH and I make regular time for each other he doesn't complain. I respect the fact that he also wants to have a relationship with his daughter. Despite the issues we have had with her, she is his daughter. Frankly, his influence may be the only real chance she has at living a happy successful life. I don't just accept it I encourage him to spend time with her. In the beginning I was more willing to join in but after several of these things ended in public fits I rarely do anymore. But that's about me not him. I can chose to disengage from her but would NEVER want him to. I think if he did I would lose respect for him. I love him and I want him to be happy. I don't know if I love SD but I do want what is best for her.

No kid is perfect and they need guidance. If you are providing that and setting the expectation that your kids respect your wife then it seems to me like there is another issue. It does sound a lot like she is jealous. I've always told my kids that jealousy is about the other person not you. When I read your post it sounds like you are walking on egg shells to keep the peace. This is NOT going to work. She knew you had kids and to expect that you not have a relationship with them is inconsiderate. The speaking under her breath, pouting and withdrawing is her way of punishing you. You need to confront her about what is going on. A therapist might help by giving you an impartial perspective. You can't chose your wife over your kids. You will regret it and resent her. That's not a good foundation for a marriage.

Sounds like a few woman who

Sounds like a few woman who hang around here. They hate their steps and go into hibernation. They don't talk about how they treat their husbands, we rarely hear from them, but I suspect you could even be married to one of them except for the South America connection.

I'm guessing here. In her culture children were seen and not heard and by that I mean much better behaved. What we might consider normal may seem wild or disrespectful to her.

I'd ask her to go to counseling, maybe someone who speaks her first language, and see if that will help her. In time I'm sure the counselor will want you to start coming in. A good counselor should be helping within 4 sessions and if they're not find another one. Overall 8 sessions should have it all on the table.

So let me rephrase a few

So let me rephrase a few things. My concern is not the fact that she wants to be alone during those weekends. My question is if seeing my kids every other weekend with or without her is too much to ask. We work from home together and see each other night and day 24/7 so I figured it would be a good break for her during these times.

The issue for me is that she feels it's too much and the weekends become hell because of her feelings and things she says to me about it all. She feels alone and thinks my kids are more important because I see them every other weekend.

Taking your post at face

Taking your post at face value (rather than assuming a number of extenuating events) I will default to my usual. Spouses are equity life partners and as such are also equity parents to any children in the marital home. By abdicating a notable % of her life with you your bride is demonstrating that she has little to no value for you, your marriage, or your children. IMHO of course.

I could not tolerate being in a marriage that I was not all in for and for sure I would not tolerate being married to anyone who was not all in on the marriage with me. I am the Sparent in our blended family adventure. Even though the kid in our family is not my progeny my place is with my bride even when dealing with the Skid, when dealing with the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool, and we, the three of us, are a family. Not that she demands my presence for everything and for sure I have no issue giving my bride alone time either by herself or with the Skid. She respects the same for me. However, I never abdicate my place by my bride even when it comes to the Skid. A true equity life partner never would.

Your bride needs to gain some clarity on this. She does not need to live and breathe her Skids but she sure should participate in the day to day blended family routine and relationships as your equity life partner.

You have nothing to be sorry

You have nothing to be sorry about Sue. Nothing at all. Each blended family experience has its own caveats. Mine worked for me and that is the experience I have to go on in my recommendations for others. I meant nothing inconsiderate by it. I completely agree that everyone has others that bother them for a variety of reasons. But, teaming between partners to raise kids within a marriage can work even when there is a toxic blended family opposition in the picture and PASed kids to deal with.

I would like to hear the side of the OP's spouse. But, in the absence of her input we have only his to go on. He is here looking for support and advice. So that is what I commented on.

You pointed out that the Sparenting experience is different for men than for women. I would say that difference is at the individual level regardless of the gender of the Sparent. Going with the differences in SP experience between men and women, I am a man. We tend to be problem solvers. My comments tend to be solution based. Certainly I could stand to put some thought in to possible variables but generally I go with what is posted and address my comments to the face value of information given rather than considering what might not be presented.

As for my disdain for my Skids bio paternal clan. Yes, I truly do detest them. Even 4 years after the end of the CO they continue to earn that disdain by their treatment of not only my son but his half sibs too.

Sincerely,

Let's say everything is

Let's say everything is "perfect" as far as the skids go. They are angels, you are the perfect dad, etc. What she still has to deal with is that EOWE you go gaga over these girls, because, let's face it, you only see them EOWE and you are going to go over the top to make sure they know you love them, etc. You see HER all the time, and it's not the same. You never go gaga over her like you do the girls. You never will. The honeymoon phase is over for her, but it's never over with your children. It's worse when you see them less, because you pour on the gagas even more. It's like you are squeezing two weeks worth of praise, admiration, love, etc. into two days. And that's if everything else is perfect! Imagine if you behave this way and a child is bratty. Or rude. Or unappreciative. (P.S. All kids are at some point).

I understand this feeling because I've been there. It is not something that someone can anticipate happening when marrying a single father. I am not a kid person either, but I think I can tolerate something when in reality it's torture. She will never measure up to your girls and she doesn't want to be involved in their lives. Whether this is her psychological problem or the way you are treating her, or both, is what needs to be examined.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This seems

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This seems highly likely to me.^^^^^^^^^

The situation as posted is

The situation as posted is not understandable to me, either. Wonderful kids, wonderful dad, wonderful marriage -- except for insulting and mean comments, complete avoidance of seldom seen kids, constant tension. Doesn't add up to me, either.

OP, your original basic question is if EOWE and dinner one night a week is a reasonable visitation. From my experience, it is on the low end of visitation. At our house we have kids EVERY weekend and dad takes them for homework/dinner one night a week. In addition, I take SS12 one afternoon a week for homework, then dinner with both of us. Other families I know in real life do the 5-2-2-5 schedule. Others do your schedule.

I would not ask my DH to give up his one night a week but once in while I ask him for a weekend. The sked is pretty flexible anyway as sometimes the BM doesn't want them to go on the one evening a week for some reason or we trade days around with her for either party's needs. Right now we have them for quite a few extra days while their mom is out of town. The week before BM kept them on our behalf while we went out of town.

So that's the answer you stated you were looking for.

But to me either your wife has mean-crazy going on -- but why would you love her so much if so? It is more likely your own behavior becomes unattractive to her when you are around your kids or the kids behave rottenly to her and you just don't see it. If you are hundred percent dead certain your kids are angels and you maintain status as adult authority figure around them, then your wife has a godzilla streak.

Let's think about that some more....you are dead certain your kids are wonderful and your own behavior does not become unattractive when you are with your kids?

"She feels alone and thinks

"She feels alone and thinks my kids are more important because I see them every other weekend."

A better phrasing may perhaps be "she feels alone because I stop being a husband every other weekend."

Men love to compartmentalize. Kids here = I am Dad. Kids not here = I am Husband.

In reality, you are both Husband and Dad at all times. It's somewhat telling to me that you describe your wife as "having plenty of time" with you because you work at home. That makes it sound like you view it as a competition for the wonderful pie that is you.

It is not a competition for slices of Bruce. Your wife needs status as your wife at all times. She cannot be made to feel that as soon as your kids show up, she's pushed aside, no longer an adult, a partner, a spouse. You're thinking of it as "she's already gotten so much time with wonderful me, how can she begrudge these little ones a couple days?" She's thinking, "how did I become chopped liver/concubine/has-been?"

One of the best things you can do for your kids is also a great thing for your wife and you and that is model a proper relationship for them. If you are asking your wife to become wallpaper while they are around instead of an adult partner who expects decision-making authority, primacy, respect, and affection then you are setting up your kids to be treated like doormats by their own eventual partners or to treat their partners that way. Your kids need to see your wife being treated as your WIFE, not someone who dissolves into a member of their staff when they show up.

What went wrong with your first marriage? Did you both get all involved in being in love with your kids and forget to be in love with each other? Please remember that marriages need nurturing.

These are just some ideas about what might POSSIBLY be happening. As I've stated before and so have many others, we really don't know enough yet.

I appreciate all the

I appreciate all the comments, don't have time to respond with answers at this moment but I will shortly.

Thank you. We are interested

Thank you. We are interested and do hope progress is made for all concerned.

Once again thanks for all the

Once again thanks for all the input. I read over the comments however a few days ago as they were made. Only now am I able to come back to respond. Let me start by answering a few questions and assertions made.

To start getting my wife to come on here and post her side of the story is most likely not possible this very moment. I imagine she wouldn't be happy with me airing our "dirty laundry" per say on the internet. I would love for her to talk to someone, especially a community of people (here) that have experience in these things.

As I previously mentioned my kids are not the most well behaved best kids in the world but they are also not terrible. I have been around kids for some time and can say that they are your typical kids in regards to behavior. I'm sure my wife will state something different because I feel she has a bias towards my younger child. This is quite ironic because my younger child has always been the "sweeter" one. You could also say I am blind to this fact because I am their father. My wife and I have been pretty open and I always welcome her input on parenting and what to do in certain circumstances. While she is not a parent she is a teacher although with limited experience in kids this young. I feel I have taken her input in attempt to open my eyes. While I don't agree with some of what she says I am aware of it.

I would probably have to agree with a prior comment made on here that in her culture or upbringing kids were "seen" and not "heard". I don't think it's that extreme but I would venture to say that her upbringing was more towards this way.

Next, the comments that I am a father AND husband is most definitely true. You can take what other fathers/husbands may do on here and assume I am the same. That very well could be the case however I am also fully aware of this. Let me give you an example. When my kids come for the weekend of course I would love for my wife to feel more comfortable with them, similarly to how she did or at least showed she did in the beginning. I respect her the fact that she doesn't feel comfortable and wants to have the time to herself. Perfectly fine and understandable. What I don't appreciate are the rude comments, the coldness and the pulling away. When my kids are here I still do everything I can for my wife. During the weekdays she prepares food for us, during the weekends I take over those responsibilities. When my kids are here I make breakfast, lunch and dinner for all of us. I don't ask nor expect my wife to do those things for my kids. During breakfast I take it to my wife in bed with the door closed to her room. During lunch I am usually out with my kids doing some activity in order to get them out of the house and give my wife that space. I always invite my wife to lunch which she always declines (perfectly fine) so I bring her lunch and drop it off. Of course she is hesitant for me to do this because my kids are with me so I leave them in the car our outside while dropping it off. Our dinners are usually small and light with lunch being our main course so we usually eat after I put my kids to bed.

There have been a handful of times when my kids are here that we (my kids and I) go to the grocery store and while there we pick my wife up some flowers. Sometimes this is my idea and they are from me but sometimes my kids ask if they can pick some out for her. My wife asked me to stop doing this because she feels I am forcing my kids to do this which I am not.

When my kids are with us, before leaving the house I ensure everything is picked up with little to no trace that they were there. For the short period that my kids are in the house I ensure they play quietly, pick up after themselves etc. I feel that I am being both a father and husband in these regards. I would love to be "more" of a husband for my wife on these weekends but I don't really get much more of an opportunity because I feel as if I have to keep my kids out of the house so she can have her space.

I have indeed talked to my wife about these things to an extent. She says that she feels alone during these weekends (ok understandable but what can I do if she doesn't want to be out and around when my kids are here and if she gives me the feeling that it's best to keep them out). She says that she feels that this is her/our house and that it's a kind of invasion of privacy (understandable hence why I try to keep them out all day doing other things). She tells me that I am a good father and to keep being a good father to my kids. That is something she didn't have growing up and that she is not used to a father figure wanting to be with his kids and that she will adapt to it. I told her that I feel as if I almost have to choose her or my kids and that is not a choice I will ever make as there is no option. I will continue doing the best I can for both my wife and my kids.

I feel she has some insecurities in these matters and that is fine too but it's getting quite difficult to deal with lately. This evening I will pick up my kids for the weekend. Already this morning I see my wife not looking at me, being distant, not responding to affection etc. She says she would never make me pick but her actions in my opinion make me feel this way. I feel as if she would never verbally ask me to pick her or my kids but her actions are definitely showing that I need to do so....once again just my opinion and how I feel.

I love my wife like crazy, she has given up her country and culture for me, I would give up anything for her with the exception of my kids. I feel that deep down she thinks I wouldn't do the same for her because I won't do that but what parent would?

Oh yes and to the question of time and the whole "slice" of me. I stated that only because I am trying to look at this from every possible angle in attempt to understand. One angle I considered is that maybe my wife feels we don't have enough time together. This is why I mentioned this. I would understand if we both went away to a job and only saw each other for a few hours each night then every other weekend was taken up with my kids (which she could chose to be a part of or not, up to her as this is not my decision). So I made the statement that we work together from home and see each other 24/7 with the exception of 2 weekends a month when my kids are here.

We would love to have a child (son preferably together in about 1.5 years all while moving away to somewhere else. Considering all the things that are going on right now I am now hesitant and not too excited. I feel that once we have a child together her feelings for not wanting my kids around will be intensified and similar to some of the other stories I read on here. Aghh...I didn't expect things to go this way. My wife is an amazing woman and I love her dearly but I also love my kids and wouldn't give either up for one another.

I feel that seeing my kids every other weekend is ok but any less is not enough, I would love to do more with them from time to time but in a rock and a hard place. I'm not sure that as my kids get older if things will get easier or worse......

I'm sure I missed responding to a few point on here so I'll read over the comments again and come back to this...Thanks again for the help.

Your comment on your wife and

Your comment on your wife and her lack of a strong father figure caught my attention. Is it possible she resents that your kids have a relationship that she missed?

I just read through this

I just read through this thread and had to respond because part of this at least feels like my life. There are some differences in the fact that I don't live with my bf, and refuse to because of the kids (99%) and I was also one of those that tried to be more involved in the first year or 2 of our relationship, but have backed off completely now. I don't want to go around to his house when the kids are there and don't really want to do anything with them all together. I can pretty much handle the oldest (12), but the young one just grates my nerves.

In any case, the thing that I found missing from your post was how you treat the kids when they are with you. I saw someone else mention something about you going gaga over the kids when you do have them since you only have 2 days to fit all of your love and affection in. Do you spoil the kids and spend all kinds of money on them and cater to them when they are/ were there? I think, at least from my perception and my own experience, it got to the point that I was disgusted with my bf practically treating the kids like they were a God when they were there, combined with the fact that he always refused to take my opinion about anything regarding the kids that I just disengaged and removed myself from the situation.

You say that you do make your kids clean up, at my bf does too if he asks something of them, but at the same time, the kids have no chores (cannot even put their own plate in the dishwasher, etc), the kids are old enough to get themselves food and drink, but yet he wants to do for them since he doesn't usually get to on a regular basis, so he does overcompensate in those regards by delivering their food to them, picking up their dishes, always asking if he can get anything for them, etc. Plus the fact that they have no bedtime so even when I was there, we never had couple time together in the evenings because the kids were free to come and go throughout the living room and kitchen at all hours of the night, walk in front of the tv, etc. And let's not forget the fact that there was no discipline involved. You say that your kids are not angels, but when they did misbehave, did you blow it off like it wasn't a big deal, or did you dole out appropriate punishment just like if they lived with you full time? We call those disney dads here on the forum because dads are so scared to make the kids upset during their time or are scared that the kids won't want to come around if they don't make it super fun, so they will do whatever it takes to make that weekend with dad extra special and fun! Does any of this ring any bells?

I will say that there is always still the jealousy factor that your wife could just be feeling. It could stem from the fact that she just doesn't want to share you or it could also come from the fact that you do go gaga over the kids and not her which she resents.

In any case, we are only getting one side here and while you do say that you try to do this and that for your wife, there is still a lot missing. I bet we would get a completely different story if we did hear from your wife. So, without that other side, I would say try to get her to open up to you and find out what her real issue is. Remember though that you need to be open minded and not get defensive when and if she does tell you what her issues are. Only then can you decide to either work together on them to make things better or move on.

Good luck.

Thanks for telling us all

Thanks for telling us all that, Bruce. Apparently we will never hear your wife's side so we will just go on what you think you're observing and on our own experiences.

My DH is a wonderful man who I couldn't think more highly of because he's topped out wonderful. Yet when his daughter came around, I could barely survive. I had such high opinion of him that while we were dating/courting I figured there must be some master plan he had that I just couldn't see.

Eventually, after we got married, it came out there was no master plan, it was just him bumbling his way through child rearing without the slightest notion of what his daughter was really like. This girl, at approximately 5'5", actually used one arm to brace the other then elbowed me. HARD. I was in actual shock. He did nothing.

I finally got my shock thawed out enough over the course of a few days to bring it up with him. He was peeved with me, "why didn't you tell me? I can't do anything about it now, it's too late! You should have told me at the time!"

I just stared at him. I finally said, "'Told' you? It happened right in front of you!" He couldn't believe it. The truth is we were all in a restaurant booth. He was sitting across from her, I was sitting next to her. So it happened literally 18 inches from his nose and I cried out when it happened. There is no way in the physical universe he did not see this or hear this.

After much work and agony between the two of us, he has finally told me he has a "filter" through which he sees her. He just sees that shiny bundle of his own DNA and not much else.

Through a lot more hard work, he and I are more on the same page and, sadly, he sees more of the truth about her and is working on her issues. Much like you, he was super surprised to find it was one child rather than the other that would present the difficulty because he worries about his autistic son bothering people. Truth is, the boy is cheerful and loving and most people take to him right away. But his daughter has tons of issues that make her very unpleasant. It was torture for me to go through this with him because who wants to rip a daddy's rose colored glasses away? I knew it would be painful for him. I didn't want him to feel that disillusionment and pain.

But my DH is a real stud. He kept at me and at me and at me until I could see it was safe to tell him more and more of what I was feeling. I didn't let it all out in one fell swoop (although some discussions were more heated than others) but I've see him make adjustments, more and more, and always made sure I knew the highest thing he valued was that I tell him. All is not roses and daffodils in stepdaughterland, but things are pretty darn good between DH and me.

So my recommendation to you is to lovingly approach your wife and ask for honesty, brutal honesty. You don't have to agree with everything she says (my DH sure didn't) but keep reinforcing that you need it out in the open and you value both her opinion and her happiness. And be prepared to learn some things about your kids you would have sworn weren't true. Or possibly even about your wife. We on ST have no idea what's going on at your house. All we know are our own lives. And by coming to ST, we find out most of us fit into EXTREMELY common patterns.

Lastly, there's always the unknown variable. Maybe her "me" time has nothing to do with the kids. Maybe she has some hobby she wants that time for that she doesn't want you to know about: gambling, home country ex-pat stuff, or even affair. If you really have every reason to believe your kids and your own behavior are above reproach, might as well start looking at what's behind Door Number Two.

Good luck.

Ali - This could be the

Ali - This could be the case.

Stacey - Things didn't work with my ex wife because she was lazy and dirty. I also figured out early into the marriage that we really had nothing in common and got married for the wrong reasons. On top of this she had some mental issues that when combined with everything else I questioned why I kept trying.

Also in regards to the

Also in regards to the "disney dad" thing. I wouldn't consider myself this whatsoever, we do normal activities, I don't overindulge in affection. I don't let them get away with whatever they want because I don't see them often, in all actuality I try to walk a fine line of instilling discipline in them but not to the point they hate coming etc. They don't get discipline from their mothers house but they know the rules in our house. Their mother used to think I was too tough on them but every outside viewer said the opposite that I was attempting discipline while their mother was lazy and didn't follow through with anything.

Anyway, point being I don't consider myself a disney dad.

After more reading in this

After more reading in this forum it seems a lot of people (especially women) feel the way my wife does.

It also seems that no matter how things go while my kids are here these feelings wont change much. If anything it seems they get worse for most.

Makes me wonder if any of this makes sense and is fair to either of us. I love her like crazy but if she is miserable about anything relating to my kids then i am miserable. It's as they say...if mama (which my wife isnt) aint happy then no ones happy.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with this situation where it got significantly better? So far i havent found that in this forum but still reading.

Bruce, I am a step dad so my

Bruce,

I am a step dad so my experience differs from your DWs and all of the ladies here. However, my bride of 20 years and I were able to partner in our marriage and in raising my SS (he was 15mos old when we met and we married a week before he turned 2yo) which have been rewarding experiences for both of us. Even for me raising a kid that was not mine. The key was that my wife and I are both firmly committed to our marriage as our top priority. Raising the kid was our primary responsibility but our marriage was an unequaled priority.

If you can engage with your wife in a way that demonstrates that the marriage, and by association she, is the primary priority for you then you may be able to begin the process of integrating her in to your life as father to your children. My assumption is, like my priority is, that you want your wife at your side and to be by her side in all aspects of your lives together.

If you cannot discuss it with her then there is no making it better. What steps do you need to take to begin to get her to discuss the situation and teaming on some solutions that will work for her, for you, and for the kids? One key item I suggest is that you be committed and prepared to clearly communicate behavioral requirements to your kid (respect for your wife, your home, and your marriage would be a good place to start I think.) and be fully prepared to hold them accountable to meeting those standards and disciplining when and as necessary. Since you do not have the kids full time you have a head start in initiating this discussion between visitations without the stress of having the kids in the home during the discussion.

So yes, I have experience in being a Sparent dealing with a child that is not my progeny while making a strong marriage, and fostering an increasingly close relationship with my bride and with the Skid. If she has your absolute commitment and you are willing to work with her to navigate the blended family adventure then there is no reason why this is not a surmountable situation for both of you.

Good luck.

This is great advice from

This is great advice from Rags.

My situation has gotten

My situation has gotten significantly better. My SD no longer assaults me. She is a girl with a lot of issues but her parents are finally working on them and have her in counseling and have more rules in place for her. My home is more tolerable. She has a long way to go and is still very hostile to me and that is hard to have in my house, my refuge.

My stepson and I are in a great place! I volunteered to pick him up from school one day a week (the other days are otherwise accounted for) to get his homework done, have organized his first ever birthday party (13 yrs old), spend a lot of time with him and for him.

I don't have to do any of this, I want to do it. I started out doing it for Sd as well, but after too many elbows in my ribs and other intolerable behavior, I'm done with her for the time being.

But Dh and I are very happy with each other. It took a lot of hard work. That has paid off.

Upthread I advised you to ask your wife to be very honest with you but I meant to say you also have to be honest with her. Tell her how it makes you feel when she shuts down as the kids' arrival approaches. Tell her how happy it makes you when she does spend time with your kids and you. Tell her what a strain it is on you to keep the kids out of the house all weekend. Ask her to work with you to find a way that works for both of you in improving those two weekends.

For me and my DH, the hard work has been very rewarding. Most women are not out to erase your children. They really aren't. But we don't understand how vulnerable WE are to being erased ourselves until we start living it. Then survival instincts kick in. It's very primal. We need your help to make the environment safe for us.

Thanks for the reply Rags. I

Thanks for the reply Rags. I have actually had these conversations with my kids. They know to say hello to her when coming over. To tell her goodnught and to reapect her etc. My youngest one had her difficulties on occassion but to be expected during those times from any kid going through a divorce as well.

I askwd my wife what changed and she said that one day she just realized these are not her kids. I think its a mental/biological issue as even she says she doesnt understand it.

I will see if i can get her on this forum in due time. Thanks again for the input.

I suspect that there is also

I suspect that there is also a cultrural aspect. There are cultures where the kids stay with Mom. Period. Hers may be one, and she didn't expect to have so much parebting time (which does NT mean eowe is excessive or unreasonable).

I would be jumping for joy if

I would be jumping for joy if I only had to see my skids every other weekend. So OP, you cook for the skids, do you also clean up after them? Because that is a big deal to me. I REFUSE to clean up after or do laundry for my skid. I wont cook unless my BD is here too.
Now my SD is 12, but when she was younger, I couldn't even SIT next to my DH(who is here every other week for 7 days at a time). Now she mostly just sits in her room, which is good. Couldn't hug him without an interruption, etc.
Also, since you have girls, you need to be prepared to teach them 'special' cleanliness and hygiene. Just last week, I had to teach my SD12 to clean her menstral blood off the toilet. How gross! She ever leaves her slime behind again, her dad can deal with that. So make sure your kids don't grow up to be nasty.
And YOU should be teaching them to clean their rooms and do their own laundry. YOU should be washing their sheets and making sure the bathroom sinks look like no one ever used them when they are finished with them. And teach them to replace the toilet paper. Good God, my sd is so lazy she prefers to not wipe at all rather than carry her fat, lazy ass the 5 steps to the hall closet to get a roll of toilet paper. These are the types of things that really get on a SM's nerves. This, and the sound of the skids voices, the very presence of them really.
Sounds like your wife needs a hobby though. If I only had to deal with Skids 6 or 7 days a month, I could FIND something to do. She could join a gym or something. Does she have any friends? If not, she needs to find some. I know I would have no problem staying away from home 6 days a month. Gym, art class, out with friends, partying...I'd find a way. Still sounds like I'd like to hear her side of the story.

Hi My name is 'Bruno Rico'

Hi My name is 'Bruno Rico' just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage... I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time... it got worse at a point that she filed for divorce... I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with me cause i loved her with all my heart and didn't want to loose her but everything just didn't work out... she moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce... I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out... I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice... He did special prayers and used roots and herbs... Within 7 days she called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news... Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need's it... You can email him via eromosalspiritualtemple@gmail.com Don't give up just yet, the different between 'Ordinary' & 'Extra-Ordinary' is the 'Extra' so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it's truly worth it. website http://eromosalspiritualtemple.webs.com or call him with +2348161850195

Hi My name is 'Bruno Rico'

Are you serious??

Are you serious?? bwahahahaha

special prayers and roots and herbs??? did you smoke it or something??

I have lived in several

I have lived in several cultures where kids are NOT expected to be this way. They are always treated like special snowflakes. It is not an American phenomenon.

Another huge issue is of

Another huge issue is of course that your wife has come from another country. I did the same thing, no skids, and it was still a big challenge - and continues to be a challenge, 5 years later.

That, plus the concerns you seem to have about how your family is blending... is it possible that you are not as close or as supportive to your partner as you think you are?

I know it was a shock to my partner to find out that I was angry that he didn't help me figure out where to go to buy nail polish - the stores here are just different, I had no one to ask, it didn't occur to him to offer to investigate, so I felt so lonely. I felt that I had to do so much work to even buy groceries, never mind run the household, and we needed to be a team.

What I have learned to do is to ask for help, identify what I need, and work together on action steps. My husband has learned to offer help and follow-through. And fundamentally, we have both learned to listen - even when it feels like an attack. I wish for you and your wife the same.

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Need Help - Wife is shutting herself out