Actually most of them do turn out OK. I've told step-parents hundreds of times - "Let the kid alone they'll do just fine without your parenting [disengage]}. But that doesn't mean the good relationships will include the step-parent. Having once set up a "Lets hate Step-parent Club" it takes a real adult to admit they were wrong. Having a nice relationship with a step after a tumultuous relationship in the past requires a person with no ego problems.

One think a step-parent can do is reiterate over and over that "I'm not replacing your Mom/Dad", and act that way.

I used to think it was inevitable because I'm charming as can be and would, of course, melt her heart.

Then I lived it and after a year and a half I learned what so many here already knew. This is a twisted situation in which my own actions have little effect. My SDstb15 has some serious behavior issues and my DH has great difficulty setting any limits for her. She'll be fifteen in a couple weeks and has no one to invite to a birthday party. But she HAS recently discovered boys will like a pretty girl no matter what her personality. I predict as an adult she will continue to have no female friends and will derive all her life's fulfillment from making some guy miserable.

So, no, I no longer expect to have a good relationship with her at any time.

Her brother on the other hand is a cheerful little soul who adores me. Every where he goes, people tend to like him. So I don't think I'm all that special.

What I do believe is that there is a direct correlation. A kid who is open-hearted and polite will have no problems with a stepparent. An aggressive kid with an agenda will do terribly with any stepparent, be she Mary Poppins, Mrs. Claus, or Strawberry Freakin' Shortcakes.

No and this is what scares me. My boyfriend's daughter is too much like his ex-wife. She has picked up all of the traits of her mother and is becoming more like her every day. My boyfriend and his ex-wife clash horribly so he and his daughter clash horribly.

No... but I hope we could one day. Realistically I know it most likely won't be possible. And I don't even mean a good relationship, I just mean any relationship.

I love my Sd4 ... I love her more than life itself .. But I HATE BM. Her permanent life agenda is to alienate SD from her father and myself.

When SD was younger it was easier, she loved so openly, now that she is becoming more and more aware, BM is manipulating, she actually comes home saying, "** said Im not allowed to love you and that you're not my Mummy" .. It makes me cry every single time. I have a logical, caring response, "No-one can tell you who to love, I love you, you are my daughter and nothing anyone say is ever going to change that" at which point she says, "I do love you Mummy and I always will" - I've been her mother since she was 10 months old, so I'm not over-stepping any kind of boundary, I AM her mother as much as the donor is. I just wish she would stop trying to poison SD to make herself feel better.

I get along with SS15 (crikey, I thought he was 16 :O ) most of the time. What grates on my nerves is that he is lazy lazy lazy.
If SS12 continues on his horrid path, I will end up not even looking at the boy. With things that occurred recently, I can barely stand to speak to him. So a relationship with him...not looking good at this point.

Well said Orange County

I used to think/want/hope and really tried to have good relationships with DH's daughters

As teenagers both were difficult relationships, especially with DH's eldest daughter who was a nightmare

YSD and I generally have a good relationship now. She doesn't have to love me nor I her but it is one of mutual decency to each and that is an accomplishment I think

You are so right about it taking a mature person to admit they were wrong though! DH's eldest went through stages of hatefulness, pettiness, spitefulness, always looking (still it would seem) for ways to hurt and get back at me, yet, she is always now trying to behave in a way that is civil and social like this stuff isn't happening yes all at the same time :? :? :?

The good news is I can work with the civil and friendly and try to return it in kind. I will never trust her again or have any desire for a relationship with her other than one I would have with perhaps a back-stabbing co-worker of DH's that I have to socialize with every once in a while so I will smile and wave all the while knowing I neither like this person nor trust them, and make a point to avoid contact with them at every turn

DH's eldest will never admit how nasty and unfair she has been and that she had and still has no reason to treat me that way. She is not big enough of a person I think. Just as she will never admit the same when it comes to BM's SO, nor the friends of FIL's that she ticked off so much they will not attend any events she's at any longer

For my part, I don't hate her, nor do I wish her any harm, but no I no longer want or care about having a "family" relationship with her

Wow Chiefgrownup you are dead on there!

I have often thought that about DH's daughters - his eldest would have problems with just about anyone because SHE has issues. And certainly not just with me

YSD on the other hand is cheerful and fun, she is as fine with BM's SO as she is with me. She just doesn't seem to have the emotional problems that her older sister has

It's DH's eldest daughter's issues that really are in my opinion why she has no relationships to speak of with extended family such as her step-parents, and then some

Thanks, Dis. The contrast is remarkable between the 2 kids and it's interesting to hear someone else has such a contrast in their step-home as well.