Don't Know Whether to Scream or Cry
Due to logistics and schools I am really only now just spending enough time with my husband's children where there is room to try to learn more about each other. Given their ages, late teens, it is me talking more than them, but they do contribute and try so all in all not bad.
Well last night, I learned that my step child from my first marriage has become involved in unsavory/unlawful activities. I shared this with my spouse on the phone, and he remarked, "that's awful, just the worst" with a sharp tone of disgust in his voice. So when he hung up his kids who heard the conversation naturally asked him what was so awful, and he proceeded to tell them all about my stepchild and her dreadful past and how I basically don't speak with her.
Now these kids do not know me or the situation well enough to understand the 20 years of history that led to he string of several bad decisions and my and her fat her, for that matter, choosing ultimately not to be in contact with her which did not happen until her 30s.
So here are these kids who are now my step kids hearing this without knowing enough about me or the situation to truly understand. I feel embarrassed and I worry about being judged, and my husband is telling me "don't be so sensitive, it's all just funny."
When I asked him why he shared all of this he said it was in the spirit of being open and honest. Yet he has had no difficulty telling them untruthful things when it served his purpose.
Am I crazy, or is this utterly wrong? What would you do at this point? Thanks for the advice. It has been a bad few days!
His feeling is if I tell him
His feeling is if I tell him then why shouldn't he tell his children.... As if both should hear the same things....
Am I wrong to feel this was not his information to share?
A really kind and thoughtful
A really kind and thoughtful response. You are utterly correct,the image that we hold is not necessarily the image held by another. You can bet for certain that I will clearly tell him that I don't want things shared in the future when they are of an intimate nature.
I think this annoys because he always hides things from his kids that could harm their perception of him, and he has expected me and my daughter to play along with his hiding/deception games on more than one occasion. So when he went on this whole "I was just being honest I want to be honest" riff, I became more than a tad annoyed.
He always is so big on and brags about being sensitive to the feelings of others and not putting people in awkward places, so one would think you would not need to tell someone "hey don't talk about my step kid from my first marriage and her behavior with your kids as they are finally getting to know me." Part of what he told them is "she does not speak to her anymore or have anything to do with her" They are told this without the context of why both myself and her father felt it was healthier for her and us to cut ties once she was in her 30's for a multitude of reasons, but what do you think your new stepchildren are going to think after hearing such things without context. My daughter feels embarrassed because her new stepbrothers know intimate details about this situation too.
You are so correct in your theory. I appreciate for perspective, and I now see that I cannot assume any sense of possessing an understanding of what is appropriate where he is concerned in relation to me.
No,I don't really want an apology. I just want someone to tell me I am not nuts for being upset with him sharing the troubles of my stepchild within the family with my new stepchildren who don't yet know me well enough to put things in context.
He showed them her Facebook page where she writes everything about her life and rants about all of us???? So yeah, a little upset.
Thank you though for your advice which is wise, and for your time! I do appreciate it, very much!