SD was raped by stepfather - no longer wants to see BM - ex parte parenting plan?
This is gonna be a long one but here goes nothing. For the past two years we have had concerns about my stepdaughter's stepfather being inappropriate with her. There have been numerous red flags but the main one was him going behind our and the mother's back to pick up and drop off our daughter from school. We became extremely concerned about the activities and the constant text messages, sneaking around, lying and general 'hair raising on the back of your neck' feeling. We came to my stepdaughters mother but she ignored us and accused of us making up this stuff to hurt her, at this point all communication ceased. She went as far to instruct our daughter to lie to us and not discuss what happens at that household. Fast forward 2 years later my stepdaughter reported to CPS that she had been molested for over a year by her stepfather and raped for the previous 3-4 months. This has been a horrible roller coaster of interviews, physical examinations, court appearances, counseling and emotions. It hasn't even been a month since this all happened. Her father and I have done just about everything we could have at this point, she is seeing a counselor 2 times a week, has been tested for every STD and a pregnancy test too, have placed a restraining order on the stepfather and cooperated with investigators, CPS, counselors and lawyers constantly.
The most frustrating thing has been the bio mothers involvement in this process. My daughter stated the mother was in the home the whole time things happened, she drug her feet speaking to investigators for almost a month (which held up the investigation going to the DA's office) and has no respect for my daughter's feelings. At one point she had the nerve to tell her father and I if we were so concerned then we should have done something about it - she refuses to believe it has happened and anytime is confronted with it constantly refers to them as just allegations.
Today our daughter told us that her mother is still with the guy, even joking about how funny he is in front of her. He is not in the household when she isn't there but does not hide the fact she's with him. She is wearing her wedding ring and when my daughter asked about it was told she couldn't talk to her and it wasn't any of her business. My daughter made the decision to not return to her mothers house today because of everything, her mother didn't even bother to ask her why. I was so very proud of her because she was able to assert herself and tell her exactly why she didn't want to be with her, when she was questioned about the next time they'd see each other she simply replied she didn't know. I know this has been hard for her, she's only 15 and I can't imagine how she feels on the inside.
My main question is my husband and I are relocating our family to Nevada ASAP, he has a job offer down there and we obviously will be taking our daughter with us. We currently live in Montana, in order to move with her we have to notify the bio mom and agree to a modified parenting plan, which I'm sure will be a complete battle. Does anyone know how much leverage my daughters desires play in all of this? We'd like to modify the parenting plan to supervised visitation until the bio mom completes and/or is deemed capable enough to sufficiently parent. After that we would move to unsupervised visitation at the desires of our daughter. We've let her make the majority of the decisions when it comes to the visitation of her mother although we have openly shared our concerns, thoughts and feelings about the situation.
Advice? Help? Anything....?
First of all, be very careful
First of all, be very careful about referring to this young woman as your daughter. There are some on this board who will focus on that, but all of that aside - in legal documents etc etc, do not give anyone any reason to think you are confused about your 'role' in your step-daughter's life. Even if you are now the only mother-figure she has, and even though her own mother is a terrible person and worse mother, doesn't matter. Your SD and the courts will always hold out bio-mom as some kind of heroine, so do NOT play into their hands.
Secondly, good for you and your husband for doing what you could to help your SD. It was a terrible situation and I'm happy for her sake that she had the strength to come forward and is now getting good care and is on a healing path.
Why do you even have to
Why do you even have to involve BM at this point? The court seriously hasn't taken visitation away from her, after what her husband did to your daughter? WTF is that nonsense??!! Has he been tried? I can't imagine why the court wouldn't let you just take her and leave! I'm so sorry for your daughter, how awful. Hugs and prayers to your family while you go through this difficult time.
Um does the daughter have to
Um does the daughter have to spent time with mommy dearest if that wacko is still involved with the child molester. Wouldn't that wipe out any chance she BM has to have visitation.
Is run fast n far n keep that kid at arms length of harm from that pervert.
> Does anyone know how much
> Does anyone know how much leverage my daughters desires play in all of this? <
A lot!
Our lawyer said that she handled a case where a girl as young as 9 had a say in where she wanted to live and it did weigh heavily on the judge's final decision. It seemed that in this case, the girl was deemed mature enough to know what was at stake here. Personally I think 9 is way to young to have a say but as my lawyer told us, each case is different and given the situation you've described, I think your step-daughter should have a big say in this.
But anything I write here is moot without a lawyer's advice which your husband should get stat!
It varies from state to
It varies from state to state, but generally at 15 a child's wishes will at least be taken into account.
However, I'm concerned that the step father doesn't seem to have been arrested, based on what you said. If he has not been arrested for rape or child molestation, and your step daughter has had physical examinations and told the police what happened, then I'm thinking there's not much evidence. That's going to work against you in using this as a reason to restructure visitation. And I'm not sure without this, that you will have a good enough legal reason for supervised visitation.
Have you spoken to a lawyer in your area? I'd strongly recommend that.
The SF hasn't been arrested,
The SF hasn't been arrested, they were looking into what capacity the BM was involved. Since she drug her feet and waited over 3 weeks to speak to the detective the investigation is just now wrapping up. The court system has been frustrating, they finalized a restraining order against him but not her because the one against him should be enough protection.
We've been working with our lawyer and were just going to file an amended parenting plan, now that SD has decided she doesn't want to be with BM and with BMs involvement with SF we're hoping to file an ex parte parenting plan.
I do not understand why it
I do not understand why it matters what I refer to her as whether its stepdaughter or daughter - personally.
The charges being considered are child molestation and sexual intercourse without consent. The investigation is just being finalized and presented to the DA's office. The BM just spoke to the detective on Thursday (6/19).
The downside is the BM calls the cops on us anytime we disagree about parenting plan issues, this included. Since we don't have a document signed by a judge enforcing the SD to stay with us I have a feeling it's about to get really messy.
"I do not understand why it
"I do not understand why it matters what I refer to her as whether its stepdaughter or daughter - personally."
Go to court and refer to her as your daughter. See what happens. }:)
Once your SD's StepFather is
Once your SD's StepFather is picking up soap in the prison shower for Bubba the lifer and your DH gets full custody away from BM then you can sue to end her parental rights and adopt your daughter.
As for her being your daughter, she is. I have always referred to my SS-21 (nearly 22) as my son and I was the first person he called Dad(dy). His choice. It was never forced. He is my son and I am his dad.
His worthless POS Sperm Idiot he has always referred to by his first name or Daddy (first name).
You are obviously the only REAL mom this young lady has ever had. Being a REAL parent has nothing to do with biology and everything to do with the actions of parenting. Being a REAL parent also has absolutely nothing to do with the age of the child.
Not a popular perspective on this or any other Step community but fact none the less.
So, keep on being YOUR daughter's REAL mom.
In my humble opinion and experience of course.
Yesssssssss? A bit
Yesssssssss? :?
A bit over the top I know.
Should I apologize?
Piifffffffffffffft!!!!!!!!!!!
Piifffffffffffffft!!!!!!!!!!!
No.
Perfectly valid opinion given the subject I think.
I don't know how CPS works
I don't know how CPS works where you live but where we are is a complete joke - since the BM didn't 'know' it was happening they put in a present danger plan that removed the SF from the household and stated he could not be in the household when SD is but allowing the BM to continue with custody as per our parenting plan. Pisses me off to no end but that's what they did. BM gave CPS a line of bull that she was divorcing him and he was never to be in the house again. That lasted for a week. They showed up in court together for the hearing about the restraining order and the judge enforced his but felt hers was unnecessary since he couldn't be within 1500 feet of SD and 'obviously' couldn't be in the same house as BM with SD. Completely frustrating and a joke. CPS is closing their investigation and will not be taking any legal action against the BM because my husband and I are doing everything possible to protect her.
We've contacted our attorney today about an ex parte parenting plan due to the things that happened while SD was in BM's care this weekend (her obvious relationship with the SF) and the BM's disregard for her daughter. We haven't heard back from him or the detective on the status of the investigation.
As far as me referring to her as my daughter I guess for technicalities I will refer to her as my SD but I've been with her dad for 10 years, I've helped raise her for that long, I feel like if I were to 'step' back now and just take a back seat and let her father do most of this I would feel like I'm abandoning her just like her mother. I would rather fight for her and her protection with her father as an equal that diminish my own feelings and rights and take a back seat. I don't refer to myself as her mother but her stepmother, I've never tried to replace her mother nor will I but if she needs a mother then that's what she'll get. She may be angry in the future, she may lash out at me, she may resent me. But she also may not and that's a risk I'm willing to take.
Sign me up for your vigilante
Sign me up for your vigilante posse.
We live in MT, they don't
We live in MT, they don't arrest based on allegations alone....I suppose sometimes that's ok but in my opinion this time it's not ok. It is mind blowing everything that's going on with all of this and how frustrating it is....you have no idea.
The way an ex parte parenting
The way an ex parte parenting plan was described to us was an emergency parenting plan. BM is still fighting with us about her visitation rights and the cops only enforce what is signed by a judge - which is our current parenting plan. The one time the BM did call the cops on us since all of this has come out the deputy stated we had to let the BM have her visitation or we would be held in contempt of the parenting plan. It's ridiculous....
It looks like this just got a
It looks like this just got a whole lot easier, SD lashed out against BM with all of her crap and BM said she only wanted a graduation invitation and to be kept up on school progress and isn't going to fight our move or parenting plan changes.....