Eloping, and DH-to-be wants to tell his ex (rant, advice, who knows)
So my boyfriend of five years and I want to get married, and we want to elope. This is absolutely ideal for me because I don't like big parties, I view this as something for just us, etc. I figured we'd get the marriage license and go to the courthouse, send the announcement afterwards.
But he's been telling people. He told his parents. He told a couple of friends. And now, he wants to tell his ex, the BM of SS19, SD12, and SS9, and he wants to involve the skids in the event. No! Isn't the point of eloping to not tell anyone?
Furthermore, BM is mentally unstable and has a long history of intervening in our lives and anything we want to do with extreme measures. For instance, we tried to take SD and SS on a weekend trip to a nearby city with and she refused to give us enough of SS's ADHD medicine to last for the whole weekend. When she found out that he was seeing me, she followed me around and physically assaulted me twice. When he and I took a vacation together, she cut her wrists and wound up in the hospital and tried to get him to come home in the middle of the vacation. Can you imagine what she'd do if she found out we were going to elope? He insists that telling her ahead of time mitigates the potential damage she could do if she found out that he hadn't told her... I don't believe that for one second.
He's trying to tell me that he needs to tell her because she views marriage as an important life event. "Why should her opinion matter to us at all?" I asked, and he tried to tell me that because she views our marriage as important to her kids, she'll want to know about it. "How would she feel if the fact that we're married now came up in the kids' therapy or something?" he asked me. Right! Because I care what this mentally unsound, abusive person thinks and feels about my life choices!
And he even wants to tell the skids so that they feel like their opinions matter. I have a good relationship with them, and we've lived together for almost a year with no problems (other than the usual tensions of getting used to cohabitation). Honestly, in my view, their opinions don't really matter anyway; worse, if he tells the skids ahead of time, they won't be able to keep their mouth shut around their mother. I don't want them involved in the event -- not because I don't like them, but because I'm not doing this for them and I want it to be about us, not anybody else.
Ugh! I thought eloping was going to be the easiest approach, but it's turning into a nightmare. I was so joyous about the possibility of doing it in a quiet, undramatic way, and now I feel only fear and negativity about it.
I think he is honestly scared
I think he is honestly scared of her and what she'll do to me or the kids in her jealous rage, since she apparently has no problem with physical assault, withholding medications, etc.
How do you ever get past that? Aside from getting her out of your life, which seems impossible when the judge still awarded primary custody of the kids to her after 2 stays in a mental hospital for delusions and self-harm, assault charges, and whatnot.
It sounds to me that either
It sounds to me that either way she finds out, she will act out. It doesnt matter. If she knows about it ahead of time, she can actually sabatagge the wedding. If she finds out afterward, at least the wedding wont be ruined!
I think that most men, my husband included, have a hard time dealing with two women. Especially, when one of them (BM) is emotionally unsatble. I mean, your needs come first no doubt, but she is the mother of his kids and can actually cause a LOT of trouble (esp in this case). I dont think it makes him any less worthy to be a husband, but it can cause marrital issues to arise that wouldnt normally arise with a first marriage situation. I think the best thing that you can do is sit down together when it's a good time to talk and tell him, from your heart, how you feel. Listen to him and why he believes that it is better to tell her beforehand and then ask him to hear your reasons for not telling her.
The really big issue, that my dh and I struggle with, is the lack of boundaries. I've been married to my dh for 2.5 years now and he is just now laying down the law with BM. Over the years, he has made small progress but when dealing with an emotially unstable person is really hard because they are so unpredictable and they can literally make your life HELL.
Good Luck..
Sorry but your DH seems a
Sorry but your DH seems a little clueless. It's NONE of BM's business if he gets married again. Also him wanting to seek his kids approval for the marriage is just stupid and idiotic.
DH and I eloped in 2003
DH and I eloped in 2003 simply because trying to arrange OUR wedding date around his 6 kids and my 3 was a living nightmare. Finally, DH asked "do you want to elope?" Sure. We both put in our vacation, eloped and got married in the mountains, and we sent each kid a postcard of our marriage announcement.
Please listen to your mind, not your heart, and reread your post.
YOUR FIANCEE WANTS TO TELL BM AND HIS KIDS AND GET THEIR APPROVAL!!!
I'm going to be honest here, but you're not marrying a man; you're marrying a little boy who still needs mommy's (the ex's) approval.
IS THIS IS NOT A SIGN FOR YOU THEN YOU ARE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE!!!!!
DH and I eloped in 2003
DH and I eloped in 2003 simply because trying to arrange OUR wedding date around his 6 kids and my 3 was a living nightmare. Finally, DH asked "do you want to elope?" Sure. We both put in our vacation, eloped and got married in the mountains, and we sent each kid a postcard of our marriage announcement.
Please listen to your mind, not your heart, and reread your post.
YOUR FIANCEE WANTS TO TELL BM AND HIS KIDS AND GET THEIR APPROVAL!!!
I'm going to be honest here, but you're not marrying a man; you're marrying a little boy who still needs mommy's (the ex's) approval.
IS THIS IS NOT A SIGN FOR YOU THEN YOU ARE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE!!!!!
sounds like a lot of drama,
sounds like a lot of drama, are you sure you want to deal with it? You still have a ways to go with dealing with this kind of crap.
I agree with all the above
I agree with all the above and want to add some strategy. YOu have the rest of your life ahead of you so time is not of the essence in your elopement. Therefore, jilt him at the altar NOW and tell him that as the romance of the situation has been so messed up for you because of the proposed involvement of BM, you want to stop the train and elope some other year, and would prefer to continue just as an engaged couple for now. Let HIM feel the disappointment, the let-down, the embarrassment in front of those whom he has told... you can carry on as happily as before and see whether in a year's time, he is of the same mind.
Our BM was one of the crazies and as such we did not forewarn her of our wedding until very close to the time. She still got time to coach the skids to pout at it, she harassed us by telephone during it, and in particular she went to see a shrink afterwards to gain evidence for their ongoing visitation battle and made sure that the wedding day was documented evidentially as having been particularly traumatic for the skids. Not that it had been or that either of us were deeply upset by that allegation, but it somehow managed to smear our own private experience with her horrible slime. If your BM has been as bad as you describe I find it deeply concerning that your DH to be is prepared to tell her anything personal. He would appear to have serious boundary issues.
This is your wedding - your
This is your wedding - your day - your special event & he wants to involve BM. Big Red Flag. She's cray cray - even bigger red flag. I would be thinking long & hard.
He should be putting your
He should be putting your relationship at the top of the priority list...He is not ready. HUGE RED FLAGS all over this......Don't do it.
Honey, how to celebrate the
Honey, how to celebrate the weddinng would appear to be the last of your problems. You should consider what having this crazy woman in your life will mean for your sanity in the years to come. I can GUARANTEE that things will get MUCH worse after the wedding. If BM slit her wrists and checked herself into a hospital when you two so much as took a vacation, can you imagine what she will do when you get married? I do not think either of you realize what you are in for. I would avoid this marriage like the plague it is likely to turn out to be.
She is seriously disturbed, as in clinically significantly impaired, probably bordeline with other lovely issues in the mix. Find a therapist who is an expert on handling borderlines and have an honest talk about what to expect.
It is already clear what to expect from your fiance: she is a WAIF and he is her caretaker. He needs to stop that dynamic.
Read this:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201109/the-wo...
I am actually in a very
I am actually in a very similar situation as you are. Me and SO got our marriage license this past Friday and plan on going to the Justice of the Peace this coming Wednesday on our Anniversary. We've been together and lived together since the beginning. SS2 wouldn't know what to do with himself if I wasn't here when he comes home. SO wanted to tell BM because in the CO it says the all major changes must be exchanged among the parties i.e. work, living, medical etc. Well to be honest, I don't want a wedding either, I am even waiting on getting the ring of my dreams until we hit our 5 year anniversary and am settling for plan ole bands for now. And I am okay with this, these are my choices. I don't mind having SS2 there with us when we got to the JOP but only because he's going to be to young to understand what is going on anyway. If I were you, and everything is basically staying the same household wise then I wouldn't tell the children. I mean what will it change really if they know or don't know? Y'all live together like y'all are married so what does a piece of paper change? Nothing. I don't want to tell anyone what we are planning only because when BM thought I was pregnant she flipped her shit and went psycho crazy. After she found out I was must certainly not pregnant she assumed I had a miscarriage and told SO that it was our "reality check" and basically we deserve it. She's quite the nasty HC BM. If everything goes according to my plans, we will be married by Wednesday and only our close family will receive announcements before the weekend. But thats in a perfect world so I wouldn't be shocked if there are any shake ups. I would say don't tell BM, its not her day or her business. Why put grey clouds on your happy day?