DH and SD doing things behind my back..
Ughhh this is just a constant struggle and if it's not one thing it's another... I'm not expecting perfection all I want is to feel comfortable in my own house!
Sooo a few months ago SD started to get real jealous of me, I think since the beginning but I never noticed it. It started during my 4th month of my pregnancy and she was never jealous about the baby but towards all the attention I was getting.. Im guessing since she is used to being the center of attention. Anywhooo.. I started to notice that she would get upset when ever DH would give me a hug and a kiss.. She would make a blank face and just stare.. then it got to the point where DH and I are hugging and she has to interrupt by saying "daddy daddy DADDYYYYYYYY" followed by something that isnt even relevant to what we were doing. Of course my DH doesn't say anything but simply cater to whatever she needs or has to say. Eventually things get to this point :
DH hugs me , kisses me, shows some kind of affection towards me ..
SD gets bummed out and makes "her face"
DH then right away goes over and hugs her too or tickles her or whatever he has to so she can be happy again.
THIS IS ALL THE TIME! I dont even want him to get close to me at this point because I feel like I am doing some kind of exchange.
I understand he needs to show affection to her and its fine but not like this! I feel like I am constantly competing with SD!
Even when Im on the couch cuddled with him his foot is stretched out to reach her foot like WTH!
He and I blow kisses to each other since back when we were dating and the other day she started to do the same! Worst part was he sent one back!
When he gets home from work I get excited and run to open the door .. everyday after that she runs to open the door when she hears him walk to the door..
Is that normal?
I put on my big girl pants and talked to DH about this... he says he is sorry and that he didnt notice he was doing that (ummmmm ook) SO as the days gooo DH hugs me and she stands there and waits for hers .. it never comes she just stares at him and he stares at her and Im just sitting there feeling like a butthole. The tension can not be any greater! I thought talking about it would fix things but it hasn't and now things are more akward than ever. My dilemma now is that they are showing affection behind my back.. when I am not looking. The part that bothers me the most is that she know it! I dont blame her I guess because that is the way DH is handling this situation.
They tell each other goodnight in person and text each other "I LOVE YOU".
They are cuddling while I am in the bathroom and separate when they hear the toilet flush (I know this because my mom was visiting and she told me, she thought that was weird too)
I could start writting situations where this has happened but UGH I can already feel my blood start to boil.
This current week she is going on field trips every day so she needs to take lunch.. I offered to make her PB+J sandwiches or grilled cheese and she said no. Instead she asks her dad to take her to buy a lunchables. He says not right now ( it was 10 pm at night) In the morning I guess they both went walking to the store and he dropped her off at school and he walked back home. (School,stores,work is all walking distance) The following day they do the same. Today (Wednesday) He slept in.. and tells me that he feels bad because he hasnt bought SD her lunchables for her field trips the entire week!!! He actually is trying to hide the fact they they have been getting up extra early and have gone walking to buy her lunch everyday! I know he thinks I am going to get mad .. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD I THOUGH... ahhhhh and now I dont even know what to say!
I feel like they are making a fool out of me and I cant help it but feel evil and the atmosphere when all of us are together is just so bad. Not for them two obviously but for me! Its like I am the crazy one so they got to tip toe around me.
Opening my big mouth the first time just made things really uncomfortable ..Now I dont know what to even say!
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
please help.....
Lunchables - fat, salt sugar
Lunchables - fat, salt sugar and carbohydrates. Can't think of a more evil thing to do to a kid. Once a month sure. No wonder we lead the world in fatness.
He simply doesn't know what to do. What is it that will make you comfortable? No man knows woman - and the worst is one that's pregnant. Hell YOU don't even know.
You've told him what bothers you but not how to fix it and no he ISN'T just "supposed to know". 'Punkin' above has gone a ways down that line - tell the girl that adults and children show and receive love differently. Then instead of hiding it he gives her attention on her time and makes sure she understands that there is adult time and enforces it. I'm hoping he's not too dense in that you can explain what you want him to do and help (behind the scenes) him carry it through.
Kid time is kiddy TV, game, bed, reading and playground etc. time. Adult time is all the rest.
She is 9.
She is 9.
How did you not see this
How did you not see this before you moved in? This is really creepy and they are way to affectionate. I don't care what age she is. This is too much. She sees you as an equal and in competition with her. That is hard to correct, unless he does it and it doesn't sound like he sees how creepy it is.
At first I thought my biggest
At first I thought my biggest battle was going to be to get her to like me. Never in my wildest imagination I thought things would be this way,
One thing I am thankful for
One thing I am thankful for is that I have no drama with BM because she lives in another part of the country so Thank God! On the other hand Im the one doing ALL the parenting because DH works 50 + hours a week. On top of that I get this kind of behavior. Its honestly making me want to run for the hills. Also my pregnancy was not planned so our relationship is still rather new.
First, why is kidlet in
First, why is kidlet in charge of what she gets for lunch? What happened to "if you don't like your lunch, I guess you'll be too hungry to be so picky at dinner"? Really, the first mistake was letting her order off the menu of subservient adults at her beck and call.
I agree with others that the primary problem now is the sneakiness. It's no way to run a marriage or family.
I also agree that the husband, like most men, probably needs some clearer instructions. He thinks he's fixing your problem. He really, really does. But that's because he never really understood your problem in the first place.
So approach him again. Tell him you can see that he tried and you appreciate it. Tell him you didn't realize you'd been a little unclear. Then spell out that kidlet deserves her own acts of affection and warmth from dad AS A CHILD and not as a PEER with you. This can be done by telling her "this isn't about you," "don't interrupt adults," "go play somewhere else," etc.
It's imperative this kid learn how to entertain herself and separate from dad. It's a natural part of growing up that is way too often stunted in kids with guilty dads.
Finally, do make it clear to him that the sneakiness makes you the bad guy and also makes you feel shut out of your own marriage. Emphasize strongly that you value the two of you solving things together and hope he does, too. Be sure to appreciate him for making an effort, otherwise it's unlikely he will be willing to try again very hard.
My two cents.
What you are describing is
What you are describing is typical Mini-Wife Syndrome. My SD12 is a Mini-Wife, as well, but we have been working on it for awhile now and finally have it under control. The thing is, Mini-Wife Syndrome is a CHRONIC disease and HAS to be dealt with consistently, firmly, even brutally at times. If not, it can and will destroy your marriage because you will forever feel like you are living with the "other woman." Major, major trust issues and ugly jealousy.
You are NOT horrible for feeling the way you do because, child or not, your SD is taking your rightful place in your husband's life and in your home. There can only be one Queen in the home and if it's not you, then you will most probably end up among the 75% of 2nd marriages that end in divorce because of the stepkids.
Do an online search on "Mini-Wife" and read some of the posts here (mine among them) and some of the awesome advice given. I have written a book for stepmothers and a companion book to give to dads on how to deal with Mini-Wife Syndrome, if you are interested. It is available on Amazon Kindle at this time and is entitled, "Mini-Wife Syndrome: A Stepmother's Guide" & Mini-Wife Syndrome: A Divorced Dad's Guide."
Whatever you do, don't let this pass because it will not go away on its own. It will only get worse. Good luck to you. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for sharing the
Thank you for sharing the book. I am going to look into it! In my case I have two mini wives a 21 yr old SD and a 23 yr old SS. My husband uses them for everything a spouse should be used for except sex and yes it is destroying our marriage. I feel like these kids are the other woman. They sneak around behind my back and have fun together. Yes I am jealous and envious of their time together. They get the wonderful vacation this summer while I will be staying at home. I am almost 10 years younger than my husband, but I feel like the three of them see me as just a boring old woman. can't wait to read your book
my husband has a creepy
my husband has a creepy relationship with his kids too. They are young adults and it continues. He takes his 21 yr old daughter on the back of his motorcycle. I find it creepy that she is okay with having her legs spread and the inside of her thighs up agains her dads hips. They took a saturday afternoon and went clothes shopping together. He is taking a vacation with both his kids this summer....I'll be staying home. A few years back he did not like my attitude toward his relationship with his kids and when I left town for a few days to visit my parents, he used them as his little army and moved out taking half of the household! of course as soon as I got home, it was not long before he was begging to come home. Currently he gets together with them once a week or so. They eat pizza, watch a movie and smoke weed together. I leave for work at 615 pm and he picks them up from their moms at 630 pm.
It never gets better. If they have this creepy kind of relationship together, it is only going to get worse over time. I am the outsider. I often don't even feel like I am part of the family. I imagine you do or will feel that way too.
I said it once and I'll say
I said it once and I'll say it again, SD or not she is an adult and I would knock any bitch off my husbands motorcycle if she didnt get MY permission first.
I am so glad there's finally
I am so glad there's finally a term for the relationship my hubby has with his 12 year old daughter. I thought I was crazy and selfish.
For one of our first Christmases together, my hubby (fiancé at the time) bought me a star. It was one of the most thoughtful gifts I'd ever received. of course, he had to buy his daughter one too so that kinda took the "Awwww" out of the equation.
One day she was here and looking at the things on our bedroom wall. One of them was the certificate for the star he'd bought me. I could tell by the look on her face that she didn't like it.
Every year he buys his daughter flowers on Sweetest Day and has them sent to her school. She's 12 now and I think a little old for flowers. Anyway..for Valentine's Day he sent me two dozen red roses. For Sweetest Day he sent HER a dozen RED roses. I got a balloon bouquet.
Oh..I confronted him on THIS one when I asked him what color roses he sent her. He said, "Red..why??" I told him, "You don't send your daughter RED roses..any color BUT..and btw..you sent me two dozen RED roses for Valentine's Day..me and your daughter..we're not twins!!"
His reply was that he'd sent me TWO dozen and her only a dozen...plus hers didn't come with a vase.
I rolled my eyes back so far I think I saw my hair grow!! Told him.."Don't send your daughter the same thing you send me..okay??! Again..we are not twins. She's your daughter..and I'm your wife..comprende?"
I'm sure he thought I was a complete b* about it but seriously..he needs to get it.
While SHE get a dozen roses for Valentine's Day and I get a balloon bouquet..
Whatever.
I told him he had it backwards and that NEXT year SHE gets a balloon bouquet and ME the roses. His reply was, "Well, I'd just sent you roses for Valentine's Day..I thought I'd switch it up a bit and get you something different."
It was different alright!!
Our sleeping arrangements come into play also, as I've mentioned in other posts. If I get to sleep with Daddy..well SHE should to..according to her. Never ending as she walks into our bedroom nearly every night making some excuse for him to come be by her instead.
I put up with this for the longest time until one morning he came out of her room at 7 am. I said, "Thanks for coming to bed last night.." and he said, "Sorry, I fell asleep.."
I'm sure she loved it and the last night she was staying with us, he was going into her bedroom to tuck her in and I said, "I'll see you in just a bit honey.." He kinda hemmed and hawed about it and I KNEW they had a little secret. "Since it was going to be her last night staying with us...could he stay with her ALL night?"
Big Mistake!! I caught him downstairs that morning before she got up and told him, "It was nice you could come to bed last night.." and his reply was, "She's my daughter..what was I supposed to do..it was her last night here.."
My reply was, "I can understand you tucking her in. I can even understand you sitting with her for a bit when she can't sleep..but this all night thing?? You never even DISCUSSED it with me.."
His reply was, "Well we knew you wouldn't like it.." and I said, "Of course I'm not going to like it..she's 12 years old and this is getting beyond ridiculous..(along with a little weird),but whether I liked the idea or not..it doesn't give you two a reason to keep secrets from me.."
Two minutes later she was coming down the stairs, sat herself at the table and said, "I though you said you'd wake me when you got up Daddy.."
So much for THAT conversation!!
As am I. I would have put an
As am I. I would have put an end to that creepy practice upon the instant I knew about it. I would have said, "I didn't get married to sleep alone. Make a choice. Now."
I would have followed it with quite an unstoppable diatribe about how inappropriate it is and what catastrophic consequences will rain down on his head if the kid mentions it in the presence of a teacher or any other responsible adult.
In your case, when the kid does mention it to someone, your husband is likely to find a very ugly train heading straight for him that not even the most devoted wife could stop because it will be out of her hands.
And, flowers? He needs to cut that out. Since the girl is expecting them, it may be hard to break them of this but he should immediately switch to kid themes such as balloons or candy bar bouquets. Ideally, he would stop the practice altogether.
I put an end to the
I put an end to the co-sleeping as soon as he moved in with me. She doesn't have her own room at our house so she sleeps with one of my Bio's. There's no way in hell I'm getting kicked out of my own bed. Try again little dictator!!