That's not okay. Apologizing for it doesn't make that okay, either. That behavior is completely unacceptable and 100% illegal (even within the confines of marriage).

Leave as quickly as you can and stay with someone you trust. You cannot trust him. He has done this before and he will do it again.

Once you are somewhere safe, start to concentrate on moving forward and healing.

Please take care of yourself.

Man, this is deep. Has DH ever violated you in any other way? How long have you been married? I'm wondering if there was some sort of pattern that led up to this. I'm sorry you had to endure this sexual abuse. Please get some counseling.

I just don't have words for this. I am so sorry that this happened to you, and by the man who is supposed to love, protect, cherish you. I don't blame you for not wanting to sleep with him after this! I would be on high alert as well. I think though, he is more sorry about getting caught than actually doing the deed it self. I agree with everyone that has suggested counseling.

Hell^the NO. This should be a dealbreaker. IF you are determined to try making this marriage work, Make it clear to him that both couples AND individual (for him) counseling is a must. Otherwise you will be reporting his rape and filing for divorce immediately. Take your child and spend the weekend elsewhere. Although he really should be the one finding somewhere to stay until you decide to let him back.

I just went through EVERY negative emotion possible while reading your post and comments. Because my EX-H did the same thing to me, but not anal. He gave me so much alcohol it nearly killed me and I vaguely remember waking up to "things." He was/is a porn addict and a sexual deviant. Months later, he came to me with a confession that he had been taking pictures of me while I slept, and that was it for me. THIS needs to be your "it." I know how you are feeling. I no longer knew what was normal or okay anymore with him. I look back now and can't believe what I put up with. When I say it out loud I want to vomit. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Nobody should have to EVER.

Not RAPE. Yeah, the topic is not too weird to speak about here. But I'm not getting the rape vibe. Traditional sex choices between couples have a lot of variety. To some couples, doggie-style is out there a bit, or on-top, or anal, or threesomes, or those vibrating undies, or oral sex in a McDonald's parking lot, whatever.

It's about consent and discussion.

It's okay to play, but only if you're both on deck. There are spouses who rape and do horrific things and they have their own category.

Maybe you drank too much, or maybe you allowed or encouraged and then freaked out (most of us have been there at least once in our lives --- I thought the boy who first French-kissed me was soooo gross.) ... and once you're drinking it's very easy to go one way or the other. I am NOT suggesting that you chose to be victim by clothing or drinking with your DH.

FYI: Regarding anal, if you don't have enough prepwork, lube and position for anal, it will hurt. However, I cannot imagine anyone unless they are in hospital after a major procedure or taking Oxecodone not waking up to notice DH is trying to have sex in the wrong orifice.

A mother with a baby who is too wasted to hear her baby cry and too wasted to notice DH can't find the correct opening or he's going in the backdoor but I'm not sure ?

I am not as willing to jump on the rape bandwagon.

Now, I have been dancing on the friggin' bar, skinny-dipping, tequila-shooting, and puking drunk, but I have never had a blackout. That I remember. Guess my tolerance is up there. And I am now ancient. So, I read your post with a bit of "who shot John." I read your upset *deep breathe* but I cannot imagine a woman drunk enough to not hear her baby with a wet diaper but could become aware with some erotic novel crap. Sexually disturbed ? For Pete's Sake, what a crock of shit. Some "50 Shades of Grey" thing ?

Somewhere in my answer to you I lost faith. I realized that I may be speaking to an unbelievably foolish woman and a faker. I think you're leading a whole bunch of really earnest nice people down that primrose path ... Congratulations.

As with any situation there are always two sides to every story.
I can well see/imagine the OP being drunk and her and her husband cuddling, fumbling in bed prior to passing out and hubby taking it as a green light.
The difficulty here is specifically the anal, being a no go for the OP which is something hubby would know. But also that the OP states she passed on and later wakes up to the act, that in itself makes it less likely that there was any fumbling going on for hubby to get wrong impressions with.

I do struggle with the idea of being too drunk to be aware of anal taking place but that is down to me being one of those drunks that even when I drink heavily I dont pass out and I always seem to maintain awareness, but again, Ive never been in your position so dont want to judge.

Ultimately rape doesnt have to be a stranger pinning you and raping you, rape is literally sex without consent. You cannot give consent when either party are too drunk to be able to do so, you cannot give consent when you are sleeping. Yes a husband is your husband but that doesnt automatically give them full consent at any moment, nor does it undermine your ability to say no.

Either way its not just the physical betrayal here but the emotional betrayal. He knows you dislike anal, however he consciously chose to give you more alcohol, ok yes later his judgement can be argued to be alcohol fueled but that the stage hes getting you drunk he cant. Once you are drunk and passed out he goes for anal?

I do get why you are angry and upset, I would be too.
You deal with it however you feel is best, for many this would be an end of relationship thing. For others they may doubt themselves as to whether they might have given wrong signals etc etc. Only you honestly know how YOU feel this all happened. Think about that and take it from there.

I am a sexual assault nurse examiner...I have 8 years experience. In my state, what you described is rape.

It is spousal rape, no question about it. Really.

OP, you need to take this as a sign of a bigger issue that may well only get worse. Here's a story about my ex. When he and I were dating, he was dropping hints he was going to propose very early into the relationship and as much as I loved him, I didn't feel ready to get married, so I was anxious. I did a horrible thing and snooped his browser history to see if he really was looking at rings, and I found that he'd done a Google search for "rape porn" pretty much every time I was out of the house. This blew me away--he was a feminist, very left-wing. Unfortunately, I forced myself to just move on from it--he denied it a thousand times, I didn't know what to do, and I loved him. I didn't "forgive" him per se, but I mentally blocked that part of him out.

Later, he tried to become very controlling. First, he pretty much refused to move away from his parents, and as an academic, it is virtually impossible to get a job without being willing to move. Additionally, I had made clear from the beginning I did not want kids (yes, the irony of later choosing a man with a kid). Eventually he pushed more and more for us to have kids to the point that he picked a fight about it every day.

I couldn't take all the fighting; I wanted to be with someone who wanted to live childfree, and I wanted him to be free to find a woman who'd have kids with him as I really did think he'd be a good dad and I'd feel guilty if I kept him from that life goal. I left him. Do you know what he did? He took to the internet and posted on the forums of a group we belonged to with mutual friends to call me a slut and a whore. He went to my mom's Facebook wall and wrote similar things, and he emailed my sweet little grandmother that she would go to hell for "raising" a person like me (my grandmother didn't raise me, but whatever). I was with friends in a public park and he stormed in and called me a slut and a whore again, and I had to call the police to get him to leave. When I blocked him from emailing me, he sent similar messages to my wireless printer (it's very fancy, you can email it) so that I woke up one morning to words like that waiting for me on the floor.

Any ounce of "feminism" in this man-child was gone and I saw a very dark and deep side to him. I had to get a restraining order. His parents (to blame for enabling his immaturity) actually hired a lawyer to defend his right to continue to badger me at my home and workplace, to contact my family, and so on. Thankfully, the judge issued the order (and told him he had a serious problem, which pissed him off royally).

ALL OF THIS WAS ALWAYS A PART OF HIM. But he hid it well and only indulged in it when I was out of the house and he was looking at rape porn. The writing was on the wall, but I loved him, so I ignored it. Please, OP, get some kind of help in dealing with this--get counseling for yourself, and either (or some combination of) get him into counseling, tell the police, and/or leave him. Your son may love him, sure, but he also loves you, and when he is old enough to understand these things, if he is a good person, he will not want you to be with a man who has a history of repeatedly raping you.

This is not good. It does sound like rape. Unless you intend to leave him, I'm not sure what to say. It certainly needs to be addressed. I also would never drink that much anymore. What happened is not your fault by any means, but if you intend to stay, you know this is how he works, so keep that in mind. I think counseling would probably be the best. Get him to see in some way that this is very wrong.

There have been incidents in my marriage where my DH drank too much and did things to me that I was unhappy with. He vehemently denied ever doing it the next day because he didn't remember. Thankfully the deal breaker one only occurred once, and if he ever did it again, I would end things. We have since agreed that alcohol and sex do not mix, so I figure that helps.

I am so sorry you experienced that.

I am a man and this angers me. Rape is rape even in a marriage. Call the police, go to the hospital for an exam and put your rapist DH in prison and while he is in prison take him for every penny he will ever be worth.

That is what I recommend.

That's disgusting. There is something wrong with men who want butt sex. Do you think maybe he is a closet homo?

He got your drunk (premeditated that I am sure) then he waited for you to pass out, then he forced anal on you while you were not with it. If this happened at a Frat Party, you probably would have called police, but this is the man you are married to. I feel terrible for you. He sounds like a predator and you do not deserve that, no one does. Please Please try to get away from this man. I wonder what else he has done to others in the past, or is capable of doing in the future. If you leave him now, whatever else he does will not be your problem. If you stay with him and he does this to someone else, you will be devastated (again!) and humiliated unfairly (as it is not a reflection of you). I would leave him now. I would pack and leave and move on. He sounds like he is very very sick. He lied to your face about it! He felt entitled to do something to you against your will, that is not love, its not lust, its abuse! Please please get help and get out! You deserve way better!