BM won't stay out of our birthday plans
This year DH and I have twin SS/SD5 for their sixth birthdays. We've talked about it a lot and we've both decided that we'd like to throw a party for them. Their birthday is in late August but with the summer approaching, we wanted to have some plans in place so the kids can send home a few invites with their friends before it becomes tricky getting ahold of their families.
BM keeps finding ways to nose into our plans. First she starts by making plans for us and inviting herself to the party. She gets that she's not a part of the plans this year but she keeps trying to make plans for us. Last night she sent me and DH (yes, she sends it to both of us) an email with party plans that would've cost us over $500 bucks for ten kids! She said it was an "opportunity" for us to have a "quality party" for the kids. We ignored the email and I called the place this morning to remove the reservation she made.
I ran across a few things as gifts for their birthday and picked them up. It's hidden in our house but it's nice to have a leg up on a few gifts before their bday is closer. Kids were only with her for a few hours today and she took them shopping for no reason. Coincidentally or not, she picked up two things that I've had stashed for them for a fortnight. I don't know if I should take them back to the store or not.
This is maddeningly frustrating. What's he point in even having them for their birthday? Even if we keep them here for their birthday, she's just going to keep buying them stuff so there's no point in trying to get them a thing they don't already have. We could just focus on things they would enjoy when they're here (we have 50/50 custody) but I already know what will happen: "We already have this at Mama's. Where's our real presents?"
Ugh, we just can't win.
F that ~ I would have
F that ~ I would have escorted her out of the party !!!
Ahhh the competition of gifts
Ahhh the competition of gifts ~ every Xmas fiancé goes through this. BM always wanted to top his gift ~ seriously are you people that mature. Sure teach the kids that material things are the end all.
Why in gods creation does BM think she would be invited to your party for the kidz ???
Because in BM's world, she's
Because in BM's world, she's the only thing that matters. She even "told" DH that she was taking the twins out of town during the week of Father's Day. They've worked that out so the twins are here, but still...
On an unrelated note, the twins made me some stuff for Mother's Day but BM kept it. Even the marigold that had my name on it. I saw it at their school when I walked them into class. There were four of them, one from each of the kids to give to both of us. DH and I were away that weekend and I saw the marigolds in her window when we picked the kids up. My name had been marked over on the two that were supposed to come home with me.
I didn't say anything to the kids but I've probably cried about that more than I should have...
I would have kept that
I would have kept that original plan that BM wanted to do n tell her you n hubby were in ~ n do a switcharoo !
1) it seems the crazy BMs
1) it seems the crazy BMs intent was to make a reservation and for her ex to PAY FOR THE PARTY…she KNEW that it wasn't her party, it was a party that her EX-husband and wife were planning and SHE decided to butt in and start making such plans with the expectation that her ex and SMOM would pay for it…She had every right to cancel that reservation. It was made for THEM to use and PAY for.
Yup!! Agree with this ^^. If
Yup!! Agree with this ^^. If BM tried to book a party for a birthday WE were organising, I'd do exactly the same thing. Then I'd send her an email telling her to butt the hell out and organise her OWN birthday party!!!!!
She made the reservation in
She made the reservation in MY name. I found out about AFTER she booked it.
And you're right about the gifts. I don't expect her to clear anything past me or DH. I was just venting. It's annoying trying to get the kids something and then find out that she's bought them the same things. BM is *always* buying them things and spending money on them. I just find it frustrating that when we do get to get the kids gifts, we're constantly hearing "Mama already bought us this" or "Where's our real present?"
I was just venting.
If she didn't put your credit
If she didn't put your credit card down, so what?
At some point, she's being validated because you are jumping through every hoop she sets up for you.
"Where's our real
"Where's our real present?"
This would piss me off and I would say "this is your REAL present; what are you talking about?" Is this what they say when they open up a gift and they don't like it?
Don't compete with physical
Don't compete with physical gifts. Kids never remember them anyway. Instead concentrate on the experience such as a trip to a special place. The trip doesn't have to be on their birthday. Daddy can hand make a special card announcing the trip and the card can be the gift.
I do agree. Material things
I do agree. Material things break or become obsolete but you can never take away the memories of a fun family vacation or outing.
^ Agree! I don't remember
^ Agree! I don't remember many physical gifts I received as a kid, but I have many fond memories of family vacations
If I were you, I would not let BM know about any more of your plans so she doesn't have the opportunity to try to take over and/or ruin them. We always do our own thing for SD's birthdays and BM does her thing at her house. We have never even attempted to do a party together and none of us have any interest in doing it. Don't really see the point. SD think it's cool to have 2 parties and DH and I don't have to deal with the drama and stress of trying to have everyone together under one roof- everyone wins.
if kids are getting all their
if kids are getting all their "wants" just "because" they exist, then I would never buy them a gift, let alone have a big ol' bday party. i'd probably put money in a savings account for them, but I like the idea of a trip to an amusement park or something. and keep it zipped. let BM try to undermine that. i'm not a big fan of all these crazy birthday parties costing hundreds of $$. kids today are too spoiled as it is, I never contributed to that. my MIL bankrupted herself spending on the little angels. they didn't have decent coats and shoes, but the had the most up to date video game systems and games out there! sorry, vent over.
An iPhone for an 8 year old?
An iPhone for an 8 year old? This is absurd.
That's is REALLY weird that
That's is REALLY weird that she made the reservation in your name and not Dad's! I wonder what was going on in her head?? I mean that honestly, not snarky. Anyway, if the reservation was in your name you were certainly (obviously!) right to remove it.
As for the gifts, meh. Their birthday is four months away. I understand being frustrated that you have to return some of the stuff you bought, but I hope that doesn't mean you're frustrated with BM because this wasn't her fault or her problem. Laugh it off with a "well, at least we both know what the kids would like!" and use the money for an "experience gift" as suggested instead of buying more "stuff".
I'd say she made the
I'd say she made the reservations in SM's name because she was a female and couldn't make it in a male's name since she wasn't a male.
"We already have this at
"We already have this at Mama's. Where's our real presents?"
if they actually say this, then they've been raised with no manners whatsoever.
i would plan a party for them that you think is appropriate and just go with it.
If kids ever said, "We
If kids ever said, "We already have this at mom's house, where's my real gifts?" .. they'd be punished and sent to their rooms. Gifts would be returned or donated, to no benefit of the kid. I would NEVER tolerate my generosity and consideration being ignored and belittled like that. Neither would my DH.
Our skids do not take toys between houses.
Tell BM, very firmly ONE TIME that you are planning a party on your time and she is free to do the same on hers but to not make plans on your behalf. If she continues to do so, she will be on the hook for whatever costs she incurs.
agreed. DH needs to shut BM
agreed. DH needs to shut BM down on the party thing, and the kids on the rudeness thing.
we also don't have toys go back and forth (50/50) and so the kids have a fair amount of duplicates (bikes, skateboards, clothes, etc) so it's probably good to have two of the same thing. but that comment is unacceptable. DH needs to tell them if they don't appreciate gifts no one will buy them any.
I'll join in your vent - I'm so over spending money on kids toys that break, get lost, get ignored, etc. I think from now on I'm going to focus more on lasting, quality gifts (e.g. a new bike) or experience gifts. A note on experience gifts - we offered the kids xmas presents or a trip to Disneyland last xmas and they all immediately chose disneyland and were super excited about it and didn't miss gifts at all (especially since they still get them from BM and other family!)
I really don't know what she
I really don't know what she was thinking when she put the reservation in my name. Maybe because I'm female? Maybe because I'm the family planner at our house? I don't know. I cancelled it because, well, we aren't doing that. We just wanted a bowling or play park thing with the kids and our family can have pizza -- you know, something fun but relatively simple. She's done stuff like this before but I figure it's DH's job to deal with this, not mine. I removed the reservation because it's my name and not my reservation.
BM had the kids with her and her family in Disney World last year. She's just accustomed to spending A LOT of money. We, however, do not have that kind of money. The gift giving is just an addendum to her spending habits.
They're terribly spoiled at her house and it has repercussions when they are with us. They've been a bit better about it in the last year but, yeah, "where is my real present?" has come out of their mouths more than once. I probably shouldn't buy them anything in advance anymore -- you're right about that. It was just some small things that I ran across that I knew would be great for their birthday. It's 2.5 months away, so it's no biggie. It's just frustrating and I thought venting frustration here would be healthy.
So this week I learned in step-ville: don't buy kids' presents until 3-5 days before gift giving extravaganzas commence. I was frustrated, so I thought I'd share it with this forum of people who often understand this frustration. I apologize for offending some of you -- it wasn't my intention.
I don't think you offended
I don't think you offended anyone. Someone just offered an opinion and sometimes some of us have differing opinions. Don't be so hard on yourself. Vent away! We are here for you
Hi, I think respect for
Hi,
I think respect for people's private time is important. I can't imagine even having the time to want to interfere with the birthday parties that my DH and Step mom has planned for my two kids on their time. I just want to enjoy the day off with no kids and no job.
DH should tell her point blank. We don't need your help, but, thank you.
Every situation is different - if you want to invite her - and that works - then go for it.
the gift grubbing is
the gift grubbing is manner-less and rude. next time it comes out of their mouths, their father needs to give them a very, very stern talking to and make it clear that they are not ask for gifts in your home.
granted, she's 13 (not 5 or 6, although she acts it sometimes) but shortly after the divorce SD would ask fiance to buy her stuff. he was strong from day one and told her no, and exactly why (i give your mother XX per month to buy you that. or, see those clothes you are wearing? i already bought you those with child support).
he nipped it in the bud early, and SD now knows better than to ask for anything. she still asks for too much at Christmas, but after her behavior this past Christmas she will be getting very little from my fiance. (essentially he took off 3 days of christmas break to spend WITH HER and enjoy the holiday and she acted like a shit, refused visitation, etc. and we ended up with only a few hours on christmas eve with her). christmas was the start of my attempt to disengage.