Maybe she's over the anger of the divorce. The party and gifts and indulgent/permissive parenting might be her 'normal.' I wouldn't count on the generosity towards you to continue as it might be her way of trying to control you as it is with the skids, so if you aren't controllable she might get angry or at least withhold the kindness to you. But I think, if she's over the anger, that the lack of court/nastiness might be a new norm.

I think I'd tell her straight up that you appreciate the extra effort (like your birthday), but that it isn't necessary and that you won't be reciprocating. It sounds mean, but it's a good way to keep her at arm's length if you anticipate her getting angry later.

She sounds like she blows hot and cold. Sometimes those people don't know how to have ongoing, cordial, shallow relationships. They only know close or not-at-all.

You know, SAH,i would say this is a good problem to have... enjoy it while it lasts. It may not last.

It did not last for me. I was in that same situation (no court) as a BM a few years ago - after years of tense relations with my ex and none with my kids' SM, i made peace with her and just switched in my dealings with them to her, as my ex just really does not care. He could not care less. He does not follow the divorce agreement, prepared by his lawyer, he does not care to take the boys for the holidays that are his according to the agreement, or for 4 weeks in the summer, or do anything else with them. So i dealt with the SM successfully for a while - less than a year. I posted about it in on ST at the time, and everyone was rooting for me to keep at it.

What went wrong? My DH used to make jokes about SM as my new BFF with whom we would text, and email, and share plans at all hours of the night... I thanked her for being nice to my kids. I hugged her in my driveway. My kids were in awe of this whole new chapter. How did i blow it? Or did i?

There were several reasons, i think. One is that she seems to have been in it just to make it easier for my ex to do the least bit possible with my kids. The basic conflict was like this: we wanted my ex and SM to have the boys over more, to do their share and to pay their share for the boys's expenses. She wanted to have them over something like 1 or 2 out of every 5 weekends the most, to set the schedule according to her whims, never in advance, cancel at the last minute, and show no consideration for anyone but herself. Which left DH and me her hostages! Hounding them to nail down some weekends that they would take the kids was impossibly frustrating. Our plans did not matter, only theirs did.

We soon came to the conclusion that SM is a pale version of BM, my DH's ex. My skids' BM is much worse, but my boys' SM is also high-conflict, controlling and narcissistic. So the blush was soon off that rose. Compromising was not in her vocabulary. She was not going to accommodate! Neither my ex, nor SM have ever come to my kids' games, plays, graduations, etc. Not once. They would not take them over spring break - they had plans! One year they were in Florida during the kids' vacation - they would not allow us to tell them when to take the boys! People who are that afraid of being controlled are really very controlling.

Then followed a series of very disappointing events. She shared something deeply personal about my kids on Facebook, something that they were not even aware of. I wrote to her to say that she has to immediately take it off. My hands were shaking as i was typing it. She was using my kids as props in her self-aggrandizing attempts. In response she defriended me.

And then the boys, who were 13 and 15 at the time, came back from their dad's one day with a Playboy subscription as a birthday gift, provided by SM's daughter, and that put SM's lack of boundaries in a whole new light. I wrote a pointed letter suggesting that her 33-year-old daughter take care of her own children's sex ed (two kids from 2 different men in the space of 4 years) and i will take care of mine. Haha! At that time SM and I were done being friends.

So, SAH, take my advice since I am not using it: cherish what you have, cultivate the warm fuzzies if you can, but do not get attached to the kumbaya spirit. It might evaporate quicker than you can say,
Playboy Centerfold!!!

Maybe she found the right meds.

I agree, she is probably just over it. My ex moved his GF in 3 days after I moved out. That did not lead to me being nice. It was not about her, but about him and also about how bad I felt that was for my son. She is crazy and reacted to everything like I was unreasonable and she was perfect and was high conflict. She sent me constant messages about being the "mother", how I should give up and she would take care of my son...yeah, crazy.

Two years later, if she had turned up now, and done the same, I would simply laugh at her, like I do now, but at the time, with all the raw emotions of things I would react. I blame my ex for being his usual idiot self, and her for being her idiot self! But now, I do not care and they are welcome to each other and I am secure in my relationship with my son as a single mom here.

Feelings change, and with any change in dynamic, emotions can be heightened, just think of the reactions you see when someone becomes close with a friend and introduces someone new into the social circle. Then, the group adapts.