I do have my own child BD11 and a stepmonster SD8. I owned my home and they moved in with me. Everyday when the skid is going to be at my house which is 50/50, I try to find reasons for my daughter and I not to go home. Make plans for just her and I to do stuff so we can be gone over the weekends. SO knows what I'm doing yet feels no need to make changes. I resent him and I can't stand his child. So yes, when I'm there I sort of "zone out" and just go through the motions. It scares me that your SD's are all grown ups and still causing problems in your life.

I feel for you - it's hard when big families gather and you're the "married-in" member (aka "not blood"). Easy to feel disregarded.

Shame on your DW for not making more of an effort to include you. And before anyone flames me for thinking FSD is a grown man who should be capable of fending for himself, I'd like to add that when you come from a small family (or family is physically absent) and you're amongst a large gathering of bio-family members, it is RUDE to not make everyone feel welcome.

For years and years when I was working in law enforcement, I saw the same thing happen at gatherings I attended: cops would share war stories (which were usually interesting), but those stories excluded every civilian spouse and guest at the party. No one could match the stories, had points of reference for the stories had anything really meaningful to add, and sometimes didn't get the inside jokes or "cop jaron" that was used. And I could see non-cops felt excluded. I hated that. I always made an attempt to talk to non-cops about things that were interesting to them.

FSD is in the same boat. DW should make the effort to include him more.

I have gone to gatherings with DH at his friends' homes (his family is all out of state/country) and its always pretty uncomfortable for me because a) they all speak Spanish 99% of the time, I don't. And b) they all knew and some were friends with his ex wife. Not anymore, because of the shit she pulled, but still... Super. Uncomfortable. I will give it to them though, they would usually try and include me in on some conversations, everyone is really nice, but it just leaves you feeling very much like a spectator.

ALL THE TIME!!!! Everytime DH's adult kids and their families come, I am ignored the entire time they are here. Before I disengaged, DH got all the credit for everything I did - cleaning house, cooking, buying presents, etc. They all talk amongst themselves and forget about me. I know they do it on purpose, and it's my fault that I allow them to get to me.

Again, before I disengaged, I tried talking to DH about how they make me feel everytime they were here but as usual, it went in one ear and out the other. So now I do what I enjoy (thank God for spring/summer!) - I'm working outside, or I read a book, or I go somewhere when they are here. And DH gets to cook and clean (he can't do either!) It took me a long time to realize that I am important too and I come first before bullshit!

Good luck! ST is a great place to vent and be loved!!!

They try but I wont let them. I set them straight right from the beginning. I am the queen of this castle. I am really terroritorial with my house and take a lot of pride in taking care of it and doing the "woman" things with the house.

SDs thought they were going to be the "ladies of the house" and that I would feel like I dont belong. NOPE.

Thankfully they rarely come to visit. But when they do, I do feel awkward. But it's because of tension.

I feel this way every time I come home from work.

Despite my insistance that SS stay in his room and use his desk to study, I come home to find SS "studying" on the kitchen table or in front of the TV. I keep telling DW to not let him do this because SS is VERY easily distracted but there is always some excuse "Oh he just has reading", "Oh he needs my help.", "Oh he is just doing his Art project."

Anyways, I come home and DW greets me with a beer and a smile. She then starts asking me about my day, and I start talking...Not even 20 seconds in, SS dive bombs his way into our conversation asking about something we said. DW explains it to him. SS follows up with another question....and next thing you know, DW and SS are having a conversation. It's like I've never returned home!

Meh...Good thing I got a cool game on my phone...

Oh I remember it WELL!!! Sort of like an enemy encampment or sleeper cell has invaded your sanctuary and set up headquarters making SM and her bios, if any, POWs. While biodad aids and abetts the enemy like a double agent.

There is a FULL report of anything you say or do that goes back to the enemy front line when they leave.

I own a duplex . Separate living quarters including separate kitchens. When skids are there, they live on the other side and I keep the connecting door closed. Saved my sanity not to mention marriage .

Drag her back to counseling. If necessary tell her the marriage is at stake and don't hold any of this back from the counselor.

If she won't go, which I think she will, but if she won't then ask the counselor about leaving as an option and share the results with her.

I.e. when you get home you're saying "Well counselor said if I have to leave I should consider this first...........etc.

If she continues to refuse to go after a few sessions then I think she wants to break the marriage up or doesn't care either way.

It's very normal for you to feel that way. I think these parents have trouble disconnecting from their kids sometimes and firmly believe that the children come first. If that's the case, why are they in serious relationships? It's not fair for you to be neglected. And having children doesn't excuse someone from being a spouse. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do, aside from talking with your wife and try very hard to see her point of view. I think sometimes parents latch onto their kids because they are too afraid of becoming too close with their partner.

My mother and my stepdad live in closest proximity to me (25 minutes away). I haven't visited in over 2 months. Her birthday was yesterday. I called her and said "Happy Birthday" but I did not make plans to see her. I've had my mom around for 33 years. I don't need her like I did when I was a child. It doesn't mean that we love each other less. I think that I'm doing my mom a favor by allowing her to have her time now and enjoy time alone with her husband. I think it's important and healthy to establish these boundaries. It certainly wouldn't do me any good if I were constantly bugging my mother instead of dealing with and having my own life. I think you and your wife should sit down and have a Frank discussion about all of this. I hope it works out good for you.

FrustratedSdad, What might work for you is a visitation schedule much like when they were minors. Every other weekend only - and stick with it. Can you get her to agree to that?

One month Skid free would be nice - but 11 months of all about the skids may still be too much. And one month without DW's precious kids might be too much for her also.

Good luck!

Thank goodness she has accepted going to counselling.
Do you think it is co dependency or just the way family has always been for her.
I recently entered a post 2 years on. I left tis situation because she wouldn't go to counselling. With 4 daughters it will be very difficult for her to remember a time when she had no children to worry about and see it from your perspective but good for her for trying

A positive is that her actions are probably not deliberate. Hope it goes well.

ETA: his kids are nice to me, his family not so much.

I feel the same way around FDH's local family. And then they bitch because he is always around me and not them.

Then I go over there and I'm totally excluded from conversations, like I'm a damn leper. So I sit there and play on my phone, and then a week later they bitch at him because I wouldn't talk to them!!!!

Every year they build a haunted house during Halloween, and last year I went to help, since I know how to swing a hammer and use a staple gun. They didn't talk to me at all, I used to build theAter sets for the local PAC, I have good and useful ideas and skills when it comes to building temporary but feasible structures. Every design and idea I had was shot down.

Fuck them. I have better things to do.

I would definitely suggest getting your own interests. I know that's something I've worked hard to do the past six months. Now when DH goes to visit his DD and GS, I don't feel so excluded because I've got something to do myself usually. I realized my whole life was revolving around him. I'm like you and have no children of my own so he is my family. Just because he's my family doesn't mean he's my life. I'm finally figuring that out.