The power of disengaging
I wanted to take the time to express how grateful I am to all of you. I have not been a part of this online community for a long time but in this shory time, the most powerful thing I have learned from all of you is to disengage. For many years I have felt angry about things my SD has done to herself and her family. She has caused so much stress and she is such a burden to all of us. I would go about the day, grinding my teeth and focusing on how angry I would be at princesses latest stunt. She makes one bad decision after another and makes messes for mommy and daddy to clean up. She is almost 30. Anyway, I feel so much better because I have learned how to disengage. I have also informed DH that I have disengaged and I have described to him the new parameters and boundaries that I have set up for myself that I will follow. DH claims that he has also disengaged since her last barrage of abuse but I don't believe he will be able to keep it up. She will slither back into his life and he will once again melt when little precious decides she's not mad at him anymore for not leaving me per her instruction and "needs something" like daddy's checkbook. The great part is because of all of you and your wisdom I don't care. I think I've mastered the art of disengagement. DH can have his little precious piece of work and I can focus on my kids. I am less angry and feel like I am an overall happier person thanks to my decision. I can't change DH and his ungrateful, spoiled, narcissistic spawn but I can change myself. Thank you to all of you.
I am laughing so hard at the
I am laughing so hard at the alpha bitch comment. Thanks for making me smile and responding. Have a great day!
Thank you for your kind
Thank you for your kind response. I am working really hard at improving myself and through the support on this forum I am finding it easier and easier each day to stay disengaged. DH and I talked about it last night and he understands my decision. He's already getting sucked back in. I hope someday he will come to his senses. I'm just taking this one day at a time. I do feel empowered. After years of therapy i think I've finally embraced the best way to take care of myself emotionally. I am so grateful to this community. Take care
Ok I have to be honest here.
Ok I have to be honest here. If we were giving up 25% of our income to ungrateful (or even grateful) kids including mine, I would be furious. I hope that changes for you. It seems really unfair. I can understand $20 here and there but 25% of your monthly income????? This would be EXTREMELY hard to deal with. I am so sorry for you.
I LOVE the whole
I LOVE the whole disengagement thing. As far as stepdevil14 is concerned, she doesn't exist other than dollar signs flying out the window every month. Once DH is done with mediation and all is settled that way, I see no interaction other than him writing a check once a month.
OH God please don't pop my
OH God please don't pop my bubble! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think I could handle that. Seriously. I hope that kid stays far away and by the time she DOES have kids he's so far detached that he doesn't even care. Ok, I really hate that I feel that way because I wanted him to have a good relationship with his only kid from day one, but she's the one preventing that so in turn, doesn't she deserve to be out of his life?
Yeah, my DH is done being
Yeah, my DH is done being kicked in the teeth. Although 2 days ago was the 10th anniversary of his mother's death and he actually considered texting stepdevil to let her know and I'm so glad he didn't. All she'd do is post it all over facebook and try to get attention and sympathy. Hell, she was only 4 when his mom passed so it's not like she was super close or even remembers much about her.
I am glad he reels himself in seemingly nowadays. I think the final straw came last month when he texted her about how proud of her he was after parent teacher conferences and she basically told him to FFFF off.
Yes, and once the
Yes, and once the "step-devil"turns 18, he won't even have to write the check. Even better!
hypovic - YOU are seriously
hypovic - YOU are seriously my hero! My SD just had a baby and My mother and I both bought her the exact same shower card, purely by coincidence as we live in a small town and there is not much selection ...she called me a loser for it. I was so embarrassed by it. I go through a lot of trouble to choose the RIGHT card and the RIGHT gift. Anything my husband and I give is never appreciated, just expected. I think it is time for project DISENGAGEMENT Step one...by multiples of Christmas cards and Birthday cards and set them aside just for her LOL
I have not seen dh since last
I have not seen dh since last weekend, nor spoke with him. He has texted me a few times and invited me to coffee last night, but I had a business meeting I had scheduled. We have plans to end the week break on Monday. He disagreed with it, but respects my decision. It has been good for me, and I feel like a huge weight off my shoulders.
I think one of the problems is that dh and I come with the expectation of a first marriage. The two are not the same, not even close. I need to accept that there are parts of dh that I will not be a part of. And yes, disengagement from his children is my choice. I had tried to have relationships with them, they refused, and the rest is history.
The house. Dh's house. I can not change that,,but I can get rid of the resentment by going there less, when I want. Dh also has the same choice to come to my house. I need to change my expectations. So much pressure. So much anger. I can only control myself.
^^^^Great attitude! I'm so
^^^^Great attitude! I'm so glad you're feeling better! You're life is important, too.
Yes catmom I miss the feeling
Yes catmom I miss the feeling of a first marriage too. It is hard to feel so close to someone that became a father with another woman, one who tortures you at times, and then their children show utter contempt for you as their father's spouse. Not easy. In my first marriage I did have some in laws who were less than kind at times, but it was not even close to the pain that I have experienced as a second wife.
But the first marriage is gone. Lately I have been looking at pics of my kids as little kids.....those days are gone also. I think I have spent a lot of time trying to get my current marriage to work as my first, but that is impossible.
I need to change my expectations. I need to accept my dh as he is, faults and all. And remember he is my HUSBAND, not the father of my children, just like I am not the mother of his.
And I have to remember that my first marriage failed. That model did not work. I think I accumulate lots of resentment, and in the first
, I never let it out until it had corroded my feelings toward my husband.
I think every now and then I need to purge myself of the poison that builds. I feel like I am doing that this weekend. And will look at my present husband next week with a different light.
Disengaging was the best
Disengaging was the best thing I ever did. I used to get so hurt and angry at osd's treatment. I spent way too much mental energy thinking and rethinking why she did the things she did. When I finally let go and gave her what she had always made clear she wanted - nothing to do with me - so much stress went away.
Funnily enough, now that I don't bother with her at all she seems to have this new attitude of 'playing nice and tolerating Disillusioned for the sake of Dad' she is no longer openly hostile and disrespectful... she thinks she is doing it subtlety
Either way, it no longer has any effect. I simply don't care. Sadly (for her) I think she now knows this