sd15 is turning into a mini-wife
I've seen a few other posters on here voicing their concern/disgust with their teen SD need for inappropriate attention from their fathers. This time I have experienced it....
We have sd15 one weekend a month (yes, I know I'm very lucky there, but trust me; it's a painful weekend) While DH preaches to anyone who will listen that he wishes for more time her; when she's here he spends more time napping on the couch then doing anything with her. (but that's another rant...)
I have noticed on the last couple visits that SD has turned very touchy-feely with her dad...he has had to tell her a couple of times not to walk around the house in her underwear and she is constantly touching his chest and thighs (which he immediately removes her hand) and gives him long lingering hugs from behind.
This afternoon after homework and housework were done we sat down to watch a movie. I was taking the laundry upstairs so DH sat down on the couch and SD plopped down beside him. Usually I sit beside him and she across from us on the loveseat when we are watching tv, but whatever...she gave me a snotty face when I came in the room as if to say 'ha ha, he's mine'. I have learned over the last couple of years that if I ignore her looks it bothers her so I stretched out of the loveseat, making myself very comfortable. DH had his arm across the back of the couch and SD laid back against his chest. Like clockwork DH was fast asleep with 20 minutes. He is a deep sleeper (once slept through a fire alarm) and after he started snoring, his arm slipped down off the back of the couch and his hand landed on her breast. I glanced over at them and to my horror watched her not only be ok with it, but caress his arm as well!! I said 'SD! Please move your dad's arm!" She glared at me and did nothing. I repeated my request, a bit more harshly this time and she rolled her eyes and pushed his arm off of her. He didn't wake up.
I KNOW that if DH knew where his hand was he would be mortified. When he woke up neither of us said anything. SD and I have a strained relationship at the best of times, but this was something I wasn't prepared for. She is just the type of kid to run home to BM and say her dad touched her.
I don't know if I should mention it to him after she leaves or let this go....
Yes tell Daddy, he need to
Yes tell Daddy, he need to know since he's already spurned her "advances" in the past to no avail. Now there needs to be consequences BUT only after he explains that she too sexually attractive now and its inappropriate between blood kin set aside age.
Yes yes yes and NOOOOO he
Yes yes yes and NOOOOO he does NOT tell her she is too sexually attractive now!!!! OMG.
He tells her she is too grown up now. NOT that she is sexually attractive. That is NOT what this kid needs to hear.
You were too passive. Time
You were too passive. Time to stop asking yourself if this behavior is just odd or a coincidence. NO! Dammit! It is not a coincidence. Your SD15 has upped her game and is outright incestual with YOUR husband! She can now tell anyone who will listen how Daddy had his hand on her breast while they snuggled in front of a movie. I think part of the reason you are tolerating this highly inappropriate love-fest between them is that she "only" comes one weekend per month. It isn't just about venting…it's about empowering and changing bad behavior patterns in your home. You can do it!
I don't understand why people
I don't understand why people are advised to set their DH straight about their mini wife. Because if it's incestuous or molestation, that is something that needs to be professionally addressed. I wouldnt worry so much about setting DH straight if he was a pervert. Other than the rare instance that there is so kinky thing going on, it's just how the parent and child relate to eachother. Maybe you see her as someone trying to put moves on your man because you are not their mother?
This scenario is different because DH was not conscious. But by the description of the child stroking him while his hand is on her BREAST, it sounds more in line with perversion than just a bothersome mini wife thing. If you say she was doing it purposely to make you jealous, what is chastising supposed to do about it? It was either innocent of not. If it was innocent, then you're overreacting. If not, she needs professional help.
Not sure who "Generic" is
Not sure who "Generic" is addressing, but there is a huge difference between appropriate affection and inappropriate affection and most of us who feel strongly against it, have witnessed Skid's inappropriate affection toward their father--see Electra Complex.
Early childhood development is indicative of children not acting/behaving appropriately. The difference between the children who grow up to be functional, contributing adults in society are dependent upon adults who teach them appropriate from inappropriate behaviors, right from wrong at an early age versus and those parents who encourage the behavior by simply allowing it to manifest.
Many of the SMs on here face SDs who are encouraged by their BM to behave as the mini-wife (mine included). As far as "Maybe you see her as someone trying to put moves on your man because you are not their mother?" The majority of these SM's DDs aren't behaving like this. SMs on this site put up with crap nobody should have to deal with from many a skid and/or adult partner.
"Maybe you see her as someone
"Maybe you see her as someone trying to put moves on your man because you are not their mother?"
No...I just think it's super creepy that she wants to be so physically close to her dad so much. I find it interesting that he (now) catches her manipulations in every other way, just not this one. I love my DH but he is totally clueless on this. He's so afraid she will stop wanting to come that when he does get affection from her (albeit inappropriate) he's happy. I can't even think how to talk to him about this since she and I have been at odds for so long.
I'm wondering if anyone read
I'm wondering if anyone read the part where this scenario is different because SD wanted her dad's hands on her breasts. That is clearly not healthy and Imo needs to be addressed asap with professionals - punishing, setting limits, holding firm on "what you will tolerate in your home" are pitiful measures to take with something as serious as this.
Im saying for all the other mini wife actions of other SDs - if they are not perversions, its nobodys business how child and parent show affection. Frankly, the last person who should say anything is a stepmother who obviously sees the SD as sexual competition.
If it's innocent, it's nobodys business
If it's not, it's everybody's, including proper authorities, business
There's no in between where the SM needs to "put her foot down " about it.
Yes, I think you need to tell
Yes, I think you need to tell him too.
Just do it gently and with love if you know what I mean. He was asleep and would be horrified, and will feel defensive no matter what, but he does need to know.
Just tell him you have to say something BECAUSE of her reaction and how inappropriate it was.
And just to add - eeeeuuuuuwwwww, there is something wrong with that girl that needs help. My SD (now13) when she was about 11 would jump into bed when I got out - with her naked daddy and snuggle up with him. He saw nothing wrong "as soon as I realise she's there I put my shorts on!" - he too is a VERY heavy sleeper. As one of the lovely ladies here said - "when does he realise she's there - when she grabs his penis?" My SD also loves to snuggle and be the "wife" (in her own mind) for her daddy. Right down to wanting him to rub on her sunscreen like he does for me - he still thinks of her as his baby so he does, I told him off the day I caught him rubbing it on her butt (her swimmers were all caught up her butt so her cheeks were bare - she's a big girl, taller than me and wide...) I told him he should have made her pull her swimmers out of her butt and put her own sunscreen on - if dd8 can do it sd surely should be able to. The ONLY place she can't reach is her middle back. He tells me "but I do it for you?" .... Yes honey, you do, but that is because I am your lover and I LIKE you rubbing your hands on me, and you LIKE feeling me up!!!
Ok this is a wonderful
Ok this is a wonderful example. If you were her mother do you believe it would have angered you or offended you to this degree? A mother might even think it is inappropriate, but not sexual. That is all you. The mother would know it LOOKS innapropriate, but she wouldn't become personally offended especially to the point of "telling him off". She would help clueless DH along to conform to societial rules of conduct. But she wouldn't react as if she caught two people in the act. DH doesn't see it sexual, the child is not sexual. Why are they the ones being told off, when it is innocent? And if it is NOT innocent, then there's really no use in "telling off ". You'd haven bigger fish to fry then.
Ok honey, you don't know the
Ok honey, you don't know the background, but as the previous example I gave in the same para WAS the SD climbing into bed "taking my place" and snuggling in with her naked daddy it IS sexual for her.
Many many other examples - the loaded sexually explicit questions said in a baby girl lispy voice "Dadddyyyy? What's a virgin? / wet dream / orgasm / hard on?" (the skids are allowed to watch movies way above their age - MA15+ and even some R that we know of)
The rubbing her body against him laying on the couch.
The sunscreen happened because she watched him lovingly apply mine. So it's not a jealous insecure SM with a perverted mind. And yes there are VERY SERIOUS reasons why this child has issues, and she NEEDS counselling ASAP.
But Dadddyyyyy thinks she has had enough counselling and refuses to consider it for her.
And I don't know what to do about that. OUR counsellor, that OH and I see wants him to take SD in to see her with him, to help (and she don't know the half of it - OH has forbidden it to be mentioned)
So. I fear for this girl, as much as she angers and maddens me - I also fear for her. I want her to get the help she so desperately needs, because she DOES have issues. And I want her to be able to get past that and have a healthy self image, not be messed up and screw up her life which I see coming like a freight train I cannot stop.
oh, and at the time I said
oh, and at the time I said nothing, I talked to him later about it - I know I used the phrase "told him off" but that meant in private I told him it wasn't appropriate to be touching his teenaged daughters butt.
She never knew about it I do NOT react in front of her - that gives her what she wants.
The way your SD jumped into
The way your SD jumped into your spot, gave you that "ha ha he's all mine" look, not to mention cuddling with him and all the rest - almost makes me thinks she is deliberately trying to annoy you. It's as if she thinks you and her are in competition for everything - including your DH's affection and she will go to any length to prove to YOU that she has the upper hand
My DH's eldest daughter was exactly like this in her teenage years, not the physical contact stuff but acted like a jealous lover when it came to DH's relationship with me. She even tried to use her boyfriends to make DH jealous :?
Fortunately DH really didn't put up with a lot of it, but it always confused me that she acted like a jealous wife and even went so far as to refer to me as a whore...like I had come along and stolen her lover from her
To this day she has anger issues about it all and continues to play head games, and she is in her 30's
I don't think it was a sexual thing but more confusion on her part about DH's love for me and his love for her. She seemed to think she had to be #1 all the time, the only one he paid attention to, the only one he was allowed to be loving towards. She wasn't looking for sexual love from him, but just needed to be THE ONE he loved the absolute most. And although he was a loving, good father with her, she was extremely jealous of the attention he paid me and love he felt
Sort of like your teenage SD, it seems she feels it is a big competition between the two of you and whatever is good enough for you, well she will have better
Hell, yeh I'd tell your DH
Hell, yeh I'd tell your DH what she did - he needs to know about her inappropriate behaviour.
My SO didn't even realise he was raising a mini-wife until he got into a relationship with me. He had to meet with a mediator over SD's behaviour and the mediator told him straight out "your daughter is acting like a jilted lover". I felt vindicated because I had been trying to understand her behaviour and didn't have the right words for her actions.
Once DH got this, he started to try to PARENT her instead of acting like her best buddy / equal spouse. Sometimes these disney dad's don't realise this is happening and get very defensive when it's brought up to them. It also helps when the person raising it is a professional - when it comes from us, we unfortunately, come off as sounding jealous/threatened. I believe the more people point out the inappropriateness of the behaviour, the easier it would be for dad's to understand it.
Tell your DH what she did so he is aware of her actions.
Not normal behavior in an
Not normal behavior in an intact family.
But in a unhealthy teenage girls mind she is flexing her new found womenhood to send you a message that she is number one girl in Daddy's life.
Daddy needs to know what happened.
Daddy needs to make sure that he takes proper stances such as (and this came from a counselor to my own husband when SD was 15/16.
We walk side by side. SD can walk ahead of behind. Or next to me not on the other side of Daddy
We sit side by side at the dinner table facing SD who sits on the other side of the table. Told DH this makes us look like a team and couple.
We sit side by side on the couch. If she chooses to sit with us it is Dad, me and her next to me.
Several times a week DH was told to say to SD, IM sorry SD, but I need to talk to whatwasithinkin, can you please excuse us a moment.
My DH did this or two weeks and wow it was like a world of difference. Unfortunatly after two weeks his balls fell off and it came to a halt.
But I wanted to share the advice because it did really work!
To generic...you keep saying
To generic...you keep saying if you were her BM you wouldnt think it was inappropriate but I disagree. When you are the BM I don't find this mini-wife cuddling weirdness happens. My DD20 NEVER did any of these behaviors with her BF that I see my SD do with her BF. Maybe when your the BM you feel more power and your DD knows this is inappropriate where the SD views the SM as the "competition". I believe these are all actions within the SD and the SM are NOT crazy having watched my own daughter with her BF some affection is appropriate but not some of the over the top BS I see on here. And my DD would never allow her dad to touch her breast at 15. She would be mortified.
It is important to get advice
It is important to get advice and it's great to start here. An experience family counsellor helps a lot too. It is such a strange experience when you see the SD trying to partner or even worse sexualise her relationship with her father. I did over think it and make comparisons with what was "normal", what my own teenage years were like and question myself as to whether I was over reacting. It did my head in. I also found myself withdrawing, wearing drab clothes and getting fatter. I felt sort of paralysed at times. Still cannot explain why.
It is also very serious when you start losing respect for your DH. It means that your partnership is already compromised at that point.
I did speak up but often got dismissed. Everything seemed to have some sensible excuse or reason.
In the end my advice is do not be afraid to voice your concerns but chose your words carefully. Perhaps your DH like mine had very little comprehension and also see the teenager as a child still in their own mind.