Disengaging ... kind of like divorce?
I decided to begin disengaging this year simply because I am don't see any prospect of ever having a meaningful relationship with my SO's adult son and daughter.
My SO is completely estranged from his son for a couple of years now, and the SD never initiates contact with him but will get together if he asks her to.
Last weekend, he wanted to go to her place and visit. He asked if I wanted to go (he really wanted me to) but I came up with a reasonable excuse why I couldn't go. Part of my disengagement strategy. So he went alone.
Which is fine. I have encouraged him over the years to spend "alone" time with them. I guess that was part of my strategy that didn't work. I figured if he maintained his own relationships with them without me always being around, they wouldn't feel threatened or suffocated by me. My silly hope was thinking they'd eventually come around and want to get to know me better on their own terms. Never happened.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is I'm at the stage where this feels a little like divorce. I know my relationship with the skids doesn't have any chance at future success, and so I decided it was time to cut my emotional losses and disengage.
It kind of reminds me of my own divorce. While my ex was not an awful person, it just got to where we had no reason to be together anymore. We had no terrible anger at each other but we had nothing good to hold onto (or look forward to) either. It was best to go our separate ways.
So I kind of feel the same way now. Since SS is already out of the picture by his own choice, I'm only disengaging from SD. She isn't around much, so it's not going to be a noticeable or dramatic break.
But it is still a break and is somewhat sad. I think when you finally get to the stage where you know it's over, it's over. If/when I see her or the SS, I know we will continue to be cordial to each other. Like I am with my ex husband.
And just like my ex-husband, she is free to go on with her life. I wish her well. I just don't need to expend any emotional energy on skids anymore. My hope is gone.
I seem to be babbling, but I hope someone understands what I mean.
"There may come a day when
"There may come a day when your grown stepchildren decide they'd like to see their father more, and in order to do that, they need to accept you. But I also think you are better off not having that as a goal, and not holding your breath."
You are spot on, SA. And that's exactly the place I've come to. Maybe it will get better in the future, maybe not. I'm no longer holding my breath or investing emotional energy in thinking, hoping, or expecting that day will ever come.
Just read your response here
Just read your response here and it resonated with me so deeply! I am just NOW working through the issues surrounding my step-parenthood.
I was more or less forced into a relationship (of sorts) with two step children - a SS who stayed with us three days a week, and an older SD (18) who was in frequent contact with her dad. A middle SS estranged himself completely from his dad. My DH is a wonderful dedicated father, and a care-taker for his family. (Bought all birthday gifts, did all doctor's apt. made breakfasts, etc.)
Those early years were BRUTAL! So much subtle and unsubtle meanness from my SC, and beyond horrible treatment by their BM. My SS pretended I wasn't there in my OWN home. I was invisible! Not addressing me EVER! Refusing to sit near me - stuff like that which made me feel bad all the time. I felt like my SC were mercenaries on their BM's mission to hurt me.I was going through other stuff too (cancer / infertility) so it is only now that I realize how tough it was. Years went by and the SS never really came around to us, he just distanced himself from all the family drama including his BM's. As years passed I dropped away more and more from any involvement with my SC. I feel like it was a slow death of hope for a family together. Very sad! When we told them we were having a baby they sobbed hysterically in a public restaurant. This was despite knowing that I had had several miscarriages and had been trying for a baby for five years. It was a nightmarish scene.
Now my SD is having a baby soon and all the horribleness is returning due to with contact with his ex. I feel my anger surging from past hurt that has never been resolved. I think this time I be a little louder with the "NO THANKS" starting with a baby shower I am passing on. When will it end? Sorry for my long reply. It just seems like you also know what this experience has been like. Do you have any step grandchildren? Can you offer advice on this latest quagmire?
I have them, and they are
I have them, and they are absolutely adorable. Its hard to "disengage" and I feel like I spend way too much time going back and forth. His parents are tolerable so I have gone over to their home when invited even with the skids there. When I get there I just ignore his kids. However its almost funny when the grandkids (there are three) come running with arms open and give me big bear hugs. They give me and my kids all their attention and it drives everyone crazy. I love it.
I won't go to the skids house ever. I've pointed out to DH all the evil crap they do to me and he does nothing except look nervous when we are all together. For Christmas I got the grandbaby a cheer leading outfit and asked DH to take it over to her. He did, and soon enough here comes the picture on Facebook with the caption "Thank you so much Grandpa" Really?? So of course I don't know when to stop and learn so I followed it up with a comment letting her know it was from me. Then the ex starts commenting and I backed off.
Its been my biggest challenge not to let it get to me so much. Its tough to draw a line with the grandkids. I've done it all, pushed myself in, withheld my DH unless I was permitted. At the end of the day... "it is what it is" they will never acknowledge me, I have done nothing wrong (except try too hard), and DH will NEVER stand up to them for me. So I have to stand up for myself. (I sound super tough, right? Well I'm still working on it...)Protect yourself always!!
I know exactly what you mean.
I know exactly what you mean. I have no emotional investment in either of my husband's daughters. The oldest has been estranged from him since she was a child. I rarely even talk or think about her.
The younger daughter is 22 (not estranged) and I although I wish good things for her, I don't lose sleep worrying about her.
DH talks to her on the phone quite often but we don't see her much. She has nothing against me (that I know of) but I wouldn't say that she and I have a meaningful relationship at all. I'm ok with that.
Took them long enough to
Took them long enough to figure it out! All that hate and resentment they have heaped upon you over the years had to be exhausting. Not to mention, unnecessary. Hopefully, the youngest will eventually wear herself out.
I have been pretty lucky, my SD has always been timid and she would never have the nerve to act like your SDs. Even if she did hate me.
I actually cared about my SD quite a lot at one time. Then she hit 15, and her mother told her a pretty serious lie (on top of all the other lies) about DH and she believed it. She stopped her visitation. She started it back about 9 months later but only for a short time. She just kept wavering back and forth. She now knows her mother lied (she's told the same lie about others) but a wedge had already been inserted.
Then SD (along with BM) started lying and trying to manipulate my DH (for money) and something just flipped a switch in me. I just stopped caring like I used to. I care enough just enough that I have tried to give her advice, have tried to give her resources and information to help her get a job (she now has 2 kids) and she just ignores it so, whatever. Lots of things keep me awake at night but she is not one of them.
What I'm learning through
What I'm learning through reading others' experiences is that each disengagement is different. Much like divorces.
Some are driven by complete abuse and hatred (kind of like SA and skeeter's situations) and others just fade away due to disinterest or neglect (like not and here's).
I'll admit I showed up in the skids lives at a challenging time (mid-teens) but will attribute part, if not most, of the blame on their mother. A classic case of her boyfriend(s) were all wonderful and fully integrated into their lives (including living with the skids) but they relegated me to the invisible woman position. Part of it is also the blind loyalty most kids have towards mom - a very powerful connection that will squash even perceived competition from another woman.
So ... I figured I've put a decade of interest into this skid account and my returns have been nill. Like Here said, it's best to have no emotional investment.
Someone once said, "Love is
Someone once said, "Love is like a bank: If you make more withdrawals than deposits you go bankrupt." When my exH and I divorced it was like the Great Depression - all at once. Many hopes and dreams went down the tubes. I then adjusted life's expectations to suit the course my life had taken.
Disengagement from SD was a slower process. It kind of reminds me of the battered wife syndrome. I kept going back for more, even though the prospects of a productive and positive relationship became less probable as the years went by. After 20 years of being treated like crap I woke up and realized I wasn't going to take the abuse anymore. Like a battered wife who finally makes the final break, there are residual affects. One is fear that one day SD will want to re-enter a relationship with DH and he will want her back in this house. There is always the possibility that I have mistakenly identified SD as a narcissist, and she will walk through the door one day as a different person but I'm not counting on it.
One thing about my exH. I thank my lucky stars when I think about him and realize that if I'd stayed in the relationship I would have been ruined both financially and emotionally. I have the same feeling about SD.
Exactly! And I think the
Exactly! And I think the battered wife comparison is approprate, too. I've known women who kept going back to abusive a$$holes, even though everyone in their families, community, workplace, etc. were stepping up to point out the reality, and even help them escape. They turn right back around and go back to the jerk.
I think it's the same situation with skids, you hold out such hope that things will change, you don't see how destructive it becomes. It's such a slippery slope.
Glad you figured your way out.
Disengaging can definitely be
Disengaging can definitely be for the best, but it's not easy, especially when one spouse still wants to talk about his kids as mine does. He hated my disengaging at first, but has gotten used to it. It's hard not to talk about one's kids, but I don't bother anymore. Dh and I are truly 2 different parents and our kids are "unblendable". He thinks mine are spoiled divas and his 3 sons are nothing more than drug addicts (although 2 are clean at the present time). I've gone through too much of his sons' stupidity to care anymore and dh doesn't like the way my daughters have treated me in the past. So, this is what it's come to and we're better off for it. Christmas was difficult, though...none of our kids really talked to each other. Before dinner and after dinner, my kids were with me and his in the basement. What DID my college educated kids have to say to dh's drug addict kids..."Congratulations on making it through rehab and being clean for a whopping 4 months." Whatever. Unfortunately, dh's DS21 is coming to spend the night tonight (the first time since Christmas and before that not since August.) NOT looking foward to it. Just looking at him brings back WAY too many bad memories. This kid almost cost me my marriage. Dh and I both know when we die, the other one will never see the other's kids again. FINE by me!
I definitely see the
I definitely see the association as well...although I never quite thought of it like that
When I first disengaged from my DH's eldest daughter, it was also self-protection...against all the shock, confusion, hurt and anger I felt after putting up with her abuse, and DH's lack of toughness to fully stand up for me when it came to her
Prior to her hostile behavior she seemed to just LOVE me to bits, so I really was shocked, hurt and sad at the drastic change in her
Her reaction to my disengagement was to eventually become angry, then show signs of improving (but revert back to the horrific behavior after time had passed where I had completely forgiven and welcomed her back in my world)
We have gone through this cycle several times now but this time it's different. This time I've said no, no more. This time I see right through the phony civility and through to the real her; full of games of trying to set me up to look bad...all her pettiness and the fact she is simply a mini-wife thwarted.
So this time, I'm not biting
while I forgive her because she has issues and I need to be able to move on, I don't forget! I want nothing to do with building any sort of relationship with her any longer. She chose this path and I will respect her choice. I avoid her as much as possible. When I do see her at family events I avoid her at all costs. If she does say something to me I'm cordial, but I don't initiate any communication with her, nor do I participate in any conversations she involved in
Yes it does feel like divorce, but it also is a much safer and happier place for me now. It has taken away a lot of her 'power' where I'm concerned. I no longer bend over backwards trying to be close to her, I no longer get emotional at her BS, I no longer reconcile the moment she decides she's 'over things' for now
The only response she receives from me is non-emotional politeness on the rare occasion she tries to engage me in a discussion. She is not invited into my home and I make no effort to be involved in her life in any way
Yes, it's like seeing an
Yes, it's like seeing an ex-spouse at some sort of gathering. You can be civil and polite, but that doesn't mean they will be getting an invite over to your house for dinner!
Good luck with your
Good luck with your disengagement trajectory, 2Tired! May be at some later date/stage of development you will be tempted to step up to the plate again if they mature and shape up. How old are your skids now? In their 20? Sounds like they have ways to go... so do mine.
On this thread I found banking/account analogies interesting. "So ... I figured I've put a decade of interest into this skid account and my returns have been nill. Like Here said, it's best to have no emotional investment."
Many years ago when i lived in Gremany and went to school there, i remember one of my professors often using this phrase to describe something that did not go according to plan, "Das geht aufs Konto Erfahrung". = This goes into my Experience account. I love it! Thus the returns on your investment into the skids may have been NIL, but your Experience account is not at zero. It has grown substantially. Members on this forum are among its beneficiaries.
Yes, they are in their
Yes, they are in their twenties now, Pilgrim. Of course no one knows what the future holds, so things could change but I'm at the stage now that I don't hope or plan for it to be any different. The ball is in their court. I'm out of the game. If at some stage they want to reach out to me, then I'll be open to that.
You are right that I have grown through this experience. The old, "What does not kill us makes us stronger" certainly applies.
I work with younger people and it is amazing to me how many of them talk candidly about their lives, keep in touch with me after leaving, send me photos of themselves, their kids, etc. So I don't think I am unapproachable. One young woman even talks to me about her relationship with her stepmom and even she doesn't understand why my skids act the way they do.
I keep using the example that after 10 years, my skids still don't even know my last name! That's how disinterested they are in me.
I think you are onto
I think you are onto something there. And even if it's not jealousy, your household environment is different; and although better, it is foreign and unknown to her and that instills a sense of fear. It puts her out of her comfort zone. It is just as uncomfortable for people to go from chaos and hostility to calm as it is the other way around. One would think they would enjoy the calm but they don't know what to do with it, so they go on the defensive.
I agree it is so true that a
I agree it is so true that a lot of the relationship with the SM is dictated by the type of relationship with the bio dad
My DH has a troubled relationship with his eldest daughter where she has accused him of being a terrible father and they still are somewhat disengaged from each other. She's a mini-wife thwarted who still holds on to all that hurt, anger and resentment. Her relationship with me mirrors her relationship with DH
My YSD is close to DH. She's the golden girl, the favored one, she can do no wrong in DH's eyes and she knows it. Her attitude to me is generally wonderful. She feels I dote on her and spoil her too and is proud to call me her SM
Makes sense
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I had to basically disengage
I had to basically disengage from my own father because he never expressed any interest in my life. It was still ALL about him ALL the time. My SM tried in vain to intervene and remind him to stop talking for 5 minutes so that she could hear about my kids. But it got to be too much for everyone and my fathers obsession with himself just finally broke us all down. My father says he's happiest when were all together. Because that's all the matters really is how he's feeling. At my most miserable, listening to the 500th story about how awesome his life is, he'll shut up just long enough, put his arm around me, and proclaim,"This is really nice". I disagree internally but squeak out a "oh yes". To me, it's like I have had to go dead inside. To me, that's disengagement. Guard your emotions, hide your pain, and make contact as little as possible. Of course, he won't come to my house, because he feels intimidated. No, it's got to be his turf, his kingdom. And don't worry about bringing my husband, because "I like to have you all to myself like the old days" . . . Yep, just like the old days- the world has always revolved around you, and if not- you're kicked out of orbit.
(((((Step Aside))))) I know
(((((Step Aside)))))
I know if I had the childhood you describe and the adult relationship that you have with your father I would need hugs.
Wow!
I like cars as much as the next man and so does my dad but my mom and his boys have always been the most important parts of his life. Just as my bride and the kid are for me.
Take care of yourself.
I am now going to shred another copy of my man card.
Yes, I believe my dad thinks
Yes, I believe my dad thinks I keep his grandchildren away to hurt him. He once called it "payback time". But there's nothing to pay back. I have no real "aha I got you now!" feelings about it at all. It's all painful, nothing vengeful. I wish it was sometimes. No, it's just self preservation for me. Nothing is keeping him from asking for the girls. I get by with as little contact as possible until the guilt gets to me. Then, I make an appointment to see him at his house so I can listen to every excruciating detail of his kids lives. I leave there thinking, I could have been anyone on that visit and it wouldn't matter. He knows nothing about my life nor does he care to start. But he'll be damned if I think I can shirk my daughter responsibility.
Generic, You have described
Generic, You have described my mother to a tee - except for putting her arm around me and proclaiming, "This is really nice." You dad lives in the same idealistic world where the elders are to be honored (no matter how obnoxious they are), and children are to be subservient and compliant (no matter how old they are). But I have to say, since I was 'kicked out of orbit' my life is less stressful.