From bad to worse!
SD13 was supposed to spend the weekend at her mom's. Well Thursday after school she went to a friend's and was supposed to come home by 6....well she didn't come home period. I was up waiting until 12:30 and still nothing. I went to bed. Friday morning when I woke up she was getting ready for school, trying to act as if nothing happened. I asked her if she was ok and she said "Yup!" Ok...nice. Well Friday she never came home from school, didn't come home until Sunday. Her father was so fed up and disgusted he didn't even care to find out where she was. I text her friend and she was in fact over there. However, she said she wasn't there Thursday night...so that leaves the question of where in the hell was this 13 year old girl all night??? She is refusing to answer and keeps lying about where she was. Her father said he is done, he doesn't want to fight with her, he feels she is out of control but he can't stop her. The sad thing is, her own mother doesn't even want to deal with her anymore. What do you do at this point? I told him if he isn't going to parent her anymore than he needs to give her back to her mother, but he said she is just as fed up. WOW. I am at a loss.
Well, if neither bio parent
Well, if neither bio parent can control the teenager, then I guess the only thing you guys can do is get her on the BC shot.
I say SHOT because when BM found out that my SD was sexually active, she got her on the Pill. However, SD STILL managed to get preggo a few months later at the ripe old age of barely 16. I guess SD felt like BM would HAVE to accept her BF if he was also the baby daddy!!
Plus taking a pill every day
Plus taking a pill every day would require a modicum of responsibility--which these skids don't have in the first place. All hail the shot! I sure do hope the Amazon Char-woman has put her oversized 15 going on 25 (physically--15 going on TWO mentally) daughter!!
Probably not though as she is SD's BFF. SD recently got thrown out of a mall for kicking/throwing a ball around inside the store. :barf:
He might just be blowing off
He might just be blowing off steam - understandable. He doesn't get to give up on his child, though. When he calms down, you need to set up what the new structure for how you are going to try to deal with the situation. You can't control her, but you can absolutely hold her accountable for her choices. Here are some ideas that I've worked with families to use with success:
talk with her about the top behaviors that need to change - what do you need for her to do (very explicitly)
what will happen if she does not do that
how will she earn your trust back
what will you provide (counseling maybe) to work on her self-image and processing skills, so that she understands that she does not need to engage in these behaviors to have fun or be cool
When I was a school principal, I did sometimes work with families who had runaways and other issues going on so that we would keep the child in some kind of after school activity, then have a parent or other authorized adult pick them up. If she won't stay for after school activities, then be sure to pick her up from class. She will be very open to adjusting her behavior if she knows that a parent is going to show up 3 minutes before the bell to pick her up.
If that doesn't work, you might need to involve the authorities if she starts to go missing again.
Thank you for the ideas, I
Thank you for the ideas, I will definitely forward them to him. She tells my daughter that she doesn't care if she gets in trouble. It's like consequences don't affect her, because she is going to do what she wants regardless.
Her father did say if she does it again he will just let the cops handle it because he is fed up.
I do agree, at first I was
I do agree, at first I was unsure of whether putting her on BC was the right thing at such a young age because she isn't fully developed at 13 but after considering the pros/cons I think you are absolutely right. Sad.
At 13, I can hardly say that
At 13, I can hardly say that any parent could have done more than enough. A 13 year old is still a child trying to figure out her way in the world and still making massive screw ups - there is a reason she is acting like this. She may not be willing to tell her parents the reason, but it doesn't mean that it's just going to go away.
Yes, BC is a smart thing to do, but that doesn't necessarily fix the problem. Just remember how confused you were at 13.
Tough love is a great option if everything else has been exhausted - but the key word is love. Your DH should to take the lead though...
I told him when she came back
I told him when she came back to live with us again that I will be here to support her, but I am not parenting her. I don't feel that is my place and clearly she does not want that. I am concerned about her and I think her father is making a bad decision by letting her run wild. When she came to live with us last winter she was getting out of control and he got to the same point, he just let her do whatever and he pretty much cut off communication with her. She ended up going back to her mother's. When she came back to live with us her father said this time everything is going to be different, bla bla. He told her his expectations and she agreed but quickly went downhill. She has refused counseling, she just wants to do what she wants to do. It's scary because our 10 year old daughter is witnessing this. I speak to her about it alot and she knows this is not acceptable and I wont put up with this behavior from her. I just am concerned for the well being of his daughter and the household. You can lead a horse to water....
Since you seem to care more
Since you seem to care more than the parents, why not sit down as her friend and talk about things? This is not parenting. This is being a caring person who cares about someone and doesn't want them to go down a road with permanent consequences. If you have not been in the parent role with her, she might be willing to open up, and at least give you insight into what she has been doing.
Well that is exactly how he
Well that is exactly how he feels. He said next time that is what he's doing, I told him maybe he needs to tell her that he is at his wits end and now he's going to turn it over to the cops. I dont know, it's crazy.
When i went through the stage
When i went through the stage of not coming home the morning and rebellious stage i learned my lesson when my parents changed the locks one night and past a certain hour of the night, when i tried to come home to get ready i was in for a real shock, I wasnt let back in for my stuff until i talked with my parents and followed curfew. but i was older than 13, so i dont know if it would work for you.
Is your DH open to
Is your DH open to suggestions from you on how to handle this?
He tells me that I act like
He tells me that I act like I'm a know it all who has raised 10 kids whenever I try to give him advice....very annoying.
Yeah, and he's doing such a
Yeah, and he's doing such a bang up job.
HAHA!!!!
HAHA!!!!
Next time he says that say
Next time he says that say "Oh I didn't realize you have experience being a 13 year old girl before. Now if you don't want my help with this then you had better be the one staying up for her. Oh and BTW if you call the cops on your 13 year old daughter what makes you so sure they won't get you for child neglect....she is 13 and your responsibility!" I would make it darn clear to him that you are not willing to spend the time and money to have the cops and court take care of this. HE is her father, but you have to deal with the consequences of him "giving up".
Exactly! Anything she does
Exactly! Anything she does will come back to us, in this household. I can't believe he thinks that is an option, to just give up and let a 13 year old run wild!
I would bet her DH doesn't
I would bet her DH doesn't even know her friends at this moment. It has to be a boy and I bet that will be a hard number to find. Hell for all he knows it could be a MAN. I can not believe he doesn't know where she spent the night! I really feel the OP has got to jump in here with or without his consent!
Well I've been looking
Well I've been looking through her phone to try to gain clues about where she could have been and more than anything she has been talking with several boys and the conversations seem a bit more than a friendship. It's really scary to think of what she is probably doing.
That is NO GOOD! I can tell
That is NO GOOD! I can tell you what I would have been doing if I didn't have a mother who watched me like a hawk when I was that age. I didn't like my mom at that age, but boy am I grateful for now for how she was then. There you go ask your DH what he would have been doing when he was 13 with a girl if there weren't any parents around. I went through this when SD was 12 to 16 BM let her go wherever she wanted she even knew she was spending time with boys. That didn't stop me from pulling her out of 3 cars and 1 basement. I even brought her home to our house once b/c it happened on our time ( she said she was going somewhere and went to a boys) and she went to her room and DH didn't notice. I said hey where is SD he said at so and so's house. I said really she is in her room why don't you go talk to her...
She doesn't have many
She doesn't have many friends, but they all live within walking distance from us. So she has easy access. I told him he needs to go speak with their parents because they probably have no clue that she isn't supposed to be there. I would be there in a heartbeat if that was my daughter.
Hell with him you should call
Hell with him you should call to find out if she was with them that night. I wouldn't sit on this. Next time she might not come back. YOu really don't know who she was with.
That is the scary part, she
That is the scary part, she really might not come back one night. She doesn't seem to realize it isn't safe out there, she thinks she can freely roam the neighborhood at night.
Ah remember those times when
Ah remember those times when you thought "Oh that would never happen to me." Yep thank goodness we had parents to let us know YES it can happen to you. People think I am morbid for allowing my young daughter watch CSI and 60 minutes when they tell what happens to people in real life.
Oh I do the same thing! I let
Oh I do the same thing! I let my daughter watch alot of Lifetime movies with me so she can see the world is not all puppy dogs and kittens and that there are dangers out there, especially when you try to act older than you are.
To be honest I think those
To be honest I think those shows really do hit home! My daughter 13 is always looking for things that could happen. She says she will never talk to anyone on the computer not even her friend because it could be a weird uncle on there instead LOL! Oh Tey you are a good woman and your SD and DH are lucking to have you. If he could just let you in more things would be so much better for everyone involved!
If he wants to call the cops
If he wants to call the cops to take care of this he had better know they can label her as a juvenile delinquent for being uncontrollable by a parent, even if she has not committed a crime. My state as the following to say about this"
statute on the issue, the parent is responsible for providing reasonable care, supervision and control over her child. Failure to do so can result in criminal charges being brought against a parent as well.
My DH never liked the fact that I knew what his daughter was going to do before she even knew sometimes. I just put it to him like this...SD is a lot like me (true) I can relate to her better because I was a teenage girl before. There are just going to be some things you can not know about a girl. You can either be open and supportive and give my way a try or you can just go on bashing me and watching your daughter become more and more out of control. I think when he realized I wasn't attacking his parenting and he knew damn good and well he had no idea of what to do he gave in. I hope you can help him out before it gets worse.
He told me that if she
He told me that if she continues like this he is going to call the cops and tell them he can't handle her and to take her....I don't think it would quite work out that way. I think he is just really angry right now and unsure of what to do. I know he is hurt that he tried to "save her" from her mother and now she is turning her back on him. I tell him that I'm not trying to act like a know it all, but I remember how I used to think/feel at that age and I'm trying to give him some insight/suggestions. It's putting a strain on our relationship because we get into a lot of arguments about her behavior and his lack of action. I can't respect that.
You have given him chances to
You have given him chances to include you nicely now you might have to go another route. Stop talking to him and go into action. She doesn't come home, you go find out where she is whether he likes is or not. The only way to stop the strain is for you to be on the same page as him. He feels like he has done all he can and is done. You feel like he hasn't done all he can. So take it upon yourself to try to correct some things. Maybe you will get to the point where you will give up but at least you will know you and him did what you can.
That's a good point. When she
That's a good point. When she still wasn't home Saturday night I took it upon myself to message her friend because I felt it was ridiculous. He said that I shouldnt have done that because she knows how to contact us and she chose not to. Well it's called being a parent and showing that the kid is not running the show. His daughter thinks that she calls the shots, and will deal with what little consequences he doles out after all is said and done. Her excuse for this weekend's fiasco was that she didn't want to go to her moms and she knew if she came home she would have to go. I think it was a load of BS and at the end of the day she had bigger and better plans than going to her mom's house.
You are EXACTLY right! She
You are EXACTLY right! She had bigger and better plans! Good for you and by no means should you stop looking into things. I can tell you are going to nip this crap! Sometimes it takes the "outsider" to set things right. It didn't matter to me if SD liked me or not. Heck I didn't like my own mother at that age. My DH would have been beaming if SD gave the excuse that she didn't want to go with BM and that is why she did that. I on the other hand would know like you why she wasn't going! That is one advantage we have over the bios, we don't have the guilt they carry. This allows us to think more clearly than them in certain situations. The day my DH realized this was the day he stopped thinking I was against him or my SD and decided to get rid of some of his own guilt!
Yes, that is the main problem
Yes, that is the main problem is that DH carries so much guilt around that he lets her get away with murder! She is very manipulative and she knows how to play him like a violin. Maybe I should bring that up. Before this whole "running away" situation occurred this weekend he told me that he knows I dont like his daughter. I said it's not that I don't like her, I don't like how she continues to break the rules and gets away with it. I don't like that she takes advantage of you and gets away with it. Ugh very frustrating.
Take her out of the
Take her out of the conversation. Next time say I don't like how YOU let her step all over you. I don't like how YOU let her break the rules. Let him know the problem is HIM! There isn't much they can say when you don't say anything about their kid. All he can say is either it's my kid I will do what I want. If he says this he will feel like an idiot and later apologize. Or he could say well just what do you think I should be doing....Then you can unload on him your suggestions.
Very good point. I guess I do
Very good point. I guess I do tend to put the blame on her mainly but I do need to start pointing the finger at him more.
Like others have said here,
Like others have said here, DH doesn't have the right to give up! Your SD is only 13!!! She shouldn't be allowed to disappear for days! I can tell you if SD14 did that, that is one thing that would at least get DH's blood boiling enough to take action! He would be going to all the friend's house he knew of, banging on doors, and if he couldn't find her, he would report her as a runaway to the cops. If DH didn't do anything, I would be calling the cops! There is a curfew by law around here for kids under 16, and if I called the sheriff and reported that a girl that young was "missing" they would surely do something.
You also might want to check
You also might want to check if your city/town has any curfew laws in place.
I will have to check on that,
I will have to check on that, I'm pretty sure we don't but I will double check.
I have always wondered if the
I have always wondered if the curfew thing works. We have curfew in our town, but I see kids out all times of night and the cops don't even question most of them.
It depends on the the
It depends on the the city/town. If the cops have nothing better to do, or they get a lot of nuisance calls, they will crack down on them teenagers! The cops in my town love to harass teenagers, so if a parent calls and says they are not home, they take joy in tracking them down. Like if they skip school and are found around town during school hours...cops love to drag them back to school in front of all their friends!
That is awesome! I told him
That is awesome! I told him that if he does call the cops the next time she runs away/doesn't come home, they will track her down. Especially since he knows the addresses of where she hangs out. They will gladly embarrass her and bring her home.
I will have to keep this in
I will have to keep this in mind in case my DD13 ever tries to pull this crap on me.
Your guess is as good as
Your guess is as good as mine. This is actually a hot issue in our town right now. They want to instill a curfew to curb the "teenage nuisance". The big problem right now is grafitti. Now it would be a good idea IF A) the perpetrators are actually teenagers and
they actually live in our area. No one has any proof that the vandalism is being caused by locals or by anyone from a specific age group. I've seen a few teens loitering around at night but only during the summer months (when school is out).
I came home tonight and she
I came home tonight and she wasn't home, I asked where she was and her father said "at her friends house." I am in shock that after all the crap she pulled this weekend she is not grounded. What was her punishment? "We had a talk." We just got into a huge fight because I am not only disappointed in his lack of parenting I am disgusted by his poor decisions when it comes to her. I am at the point where I don't even want to be in the same house if this is how he is going to "parent" his child.
I went back and looked
I went back and looked through posts, because I began to think...is this "friend" the same girl that you found the letters about and suspect that she is in some sort of a "relationship" with?
Your DH is being an enabler here with is lack of action. SD13 admits that she has already had sex with a boy, he does nothing. You find these letters that suggest she may be having intimate relations with this girl friend, he does nothing. This 13 YEAR OLD CHILD takes it upon herself to decide she doesn't want to come home, and he does nothing!!! She is only 13, thus he is creating a monster that he real soon will have no course of action to gain any control over! He doesn't care what she does anymore? Will he care when she is found in some ditch, because she got beat up by some "john" or "jane"? And yes, I'm hinting to prostitution here in the coming years, which is common with girls who go through this sexual promiscuity so early in life, and who's parents just turn a blind eye and don't care what their kids do! Doesn't always happen, but talk to any hooker on the street, and you will hear stories of abuse, parents who didn't care, etc. Not meaning to go to the extremes here, and truth is, if you told your DH that, he would probably say that you are doing the same thing.
He needs to get his head out the sand and quit being such a ninny! If he can't handle his daughter, and his ex can't handle her, then they need to get together and hand her over to the system, as it is NOT your responsibility to even attempt to deal with or clean up the mess they created! These are the kind of parents that make people say things like you should be required to get a license to have kids!
I'm curious if she ended up
I'm curious if she ended up coming home.
She came home Sunday night,
She came home Sunday night, acting like she did absolutely nothing wrong. All he did was "talk" to her and he thinks that was effective. I am in shock that he did not ground her. I am so angry with him. We're in a huge fight over it, he's saying that he is "all she has" and it's not easy for him. I said well act like a freakin parent instead of an idiot who doesn't care. Ugh so not happy right now. :O
Oh, and my DH is famous for
Oh, and my DH is famous for his "talks" to, which is why SD14 walks all over him, as well. He told her to stop communication with that boy in NYC...I still find his number on her phone bill (he never checks). She has been seen in questionable situations at school, was making out with some boy at her other cousin's house two weeks ago (not my sister-in-law's place...no that would NEVER be allowed there...it was BM's brother's house)...she gets talks. She has very obvious signs of an eating disorder, all she has ever gotten was a talk. She skipped school, was smoking pot, and posted pictures of herself smoking a fat joint on Instagram!!! All she got was a talk! I told DH, "Isn't she going to get some punishment?" He was like, "She didn't do it while living here." What do you mean she didn't do it while living here? That little incident is the reason she is living with us in the first place, because SD14's stepdad was tired of BM not doing anything, and said the girl had to get out of their house!!
Wow. I am really fed up and
Wow. I am really fed up and she has only been here for about 3-4 months. I don't have anything to say to her at this point. She has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't feel the rules apply to her and daddy seems to feel too weak to enforce the rules. I've had it. I told him last night if he isn't going to parent her, then we cannot live under the same roof.
I would try the shock
I would try the shock treatment. In our state there is a program at local police stations that will put an at-risk teen through what it's like being booked and kept in jail over night. We also have a Youth Challenge program where the at-risk teen stay at a boot camp like environment. It seem harsh but it works. We've told SD13 that we will put her through all of this is she doesn't start acting right. She was walking with a boy to his house after the bus dropped them off instead of going straight home and other things.