I totally understand what you are talking about here. our situations are so similar. but it's getting better for me now. The first one year was really bad, I was so distressful. I tried very hard to be a good step mom,untill one day I broke off. I told my husband that I was watching his kidds just because I love him,I did it for him, not for them, and asked him not expect too much from me, I am his wife, I need his attention and tender love too, I wished he could take my place to think of things on my standpoint, if he could not do it, our marriage would be ruined.He did start to consider my feeling and I tried to reconcile myself too, we are tring to reach each other at the middle.

I feel for you and i understand, I am also one of the lucky ones that is used and abused by Hubby and the Skids mother. She changes weekends and makes plans and rings hubby and of course he just says "ok i will have the kids" but is it really him that has the kids no, its me. So like you, she goes out and does what ever and i am home looking after HER kids because my husband has to work or do something else of vital importance. I work full time too and have a baby so i resent having his kids when he just expects me to. I am also very angry and bitter and am a hazard to be around because i yell at my husband for letting the EX run our lives and he see's it as me just hating his kids so he gets his back up and we get into a massive fight every single time. I get madder because she gets government money and CS for the kids that she is "suppose to have" I fucking dont get a cent

So anyway, this past month she has changed weekends again and we have had them 2 days in the middle of the weeks as well, so i am the one that drives them to school makes lunches, dinner, washing, school uniforms etc etc... not my asshole husband. This weekend i am going on strike, i dont care how the house ends up looking. I admit i am going to struggle through the mess but i am determined to do it. Maybe then they may actually notice how much gets done by the fairy that just magically cleans up.

I figure if my husband has to do it himself then maybe he might think twice before just agreeing to have them and saying yes all the time

I have a 7 month old bby boy and soon I am going to have to deal with a 7 year old that's not mine. I'm not in your situation right now so I dnt have any advice as to what to do but I can however tell you how much I admire that you're at least trying. My mindset WAS that I wsnt going to try at all, it's his kid, NOT mine. But after talking to some family members I realized I have to at LEAST try... try because I love my husband (like you're trying). It's natural to feel the way you're feeling. My step-son isn't living with us yet and i'm already wishing him gone. You're not a horrible person for thinking that. The important thing is to not take your emotions out on the girls. Whenever you feel overwhelmed, talk to your husband in private... or blog about it It shld help. Think about it this way, the most you can do it give it your all. If that dsnt work, well, at least you can say you tried and go frm there....

The important thing to remember in your situation is to be fair with your SDs. I was in your place 20 years ago. My SD was 5 when I became pregnant with our son, and we had her on alternate weekends, one evening each week, and holidays. I too was overwhelmed with a new baby (one with medical problems) and going back to work when he was 3 months old. It is not an easy road. Your husband and family have to realize that love does not come automatically with stepchildren. Try to involve them as much as you can in family life when they are with you. Get them to help out with little things with the baby.
I can remember an incident that happened with me and my SD weeks after the baby was born and I realized I had been strict with her due to a misunderstanding. I pulled her aside and apologized to her and told her that I was feeling a little overwhelmed with the new baby.
Share your concerns with your husband, and allow yourself some time on your own to recoup. Your husband has to realize that they are his children and his responsibility too.

You are not a bad person, hon. You are simply a new, overwhelmed mom and step-mom. It will get better, but you need support from your husband in order for that to happen.

I am and have been somewhat in the same scenario. My now DH and my relationship has had MANY ups and downs for the first 4 yrs of our now 7 yr relationship. Many of them dealing with my SS's BM that would drive us crazy. SS's BM was all about herself. She would go out and party and do whatever she wanted. She would let my SS10 and his 12yr old 1/2 stay with the other dad. She was all about her. She did not want my DH to be in my SS's life ever since they broke up 9 yrs ago. She made sure of that by lieing on the court stand and crying and you know, being "mother of the year".

My husband kept on fighting for him all these years so during 2009 he was finally able to see him. One day she actually up and left the boys with her brother in the middle of a school week and went to FL with her BF. She "decided" to let my DH spend time with him so basically he could watch him while she was on her vaca. He did it b/c he wanted to see him, but it was like, go find someone else to be your sitter since you don't really care about SS seeing his dad anyway, obviously.

Long story short, my step son lives with us now and I see his mother in him and all the things she has put us through just flashes back and I have the same the same reaction as you "he's not my kid". It sound horrible when we think these kinds of thoughts, but I've learned that it's more common then we think. Just listen to everyone on this site.

You should've been able to spend this summer with your baby to get to bond a bit. Even if you did something like maybe every other week with the skids since your DH really wanted them to not sit in daycare. At least that would've still been better than not being able to have some time alone with your baby. This will also have you resent them a bit b/c you missed out on something that you could've had. Hopefully not though.

I told my DH before, during an argument, that my SS is not my kid. It kind of hurt his feelings, but this is also something that has been inside of me and eating at me. Maybe bad timing, but there was no other right time to say it so and it just came out. Sparents sit and have these feelings bottled up b/c we love our DH/DW and don't wanna hurt them. I am still in the spot. I have been through so much with my DH, before we were married, that I refuse to deal with anymore crap. I know marriage is not easy and there will be some things that come up, but not this kind of aggravation. So right now I am kind of in stand off mode with some things regarding my SS. I don't know if I give off a vibe, it's quite possible, but I can't help it. I don't wanna deal with cleaning up his BM's bad parenting b/c I think I have put up with enough, but the only other option is divorce so what do you do now?

Your question:

How do I get my husband to understand that they are not my kids, their never going to be my kids, I'm not going to have that love for them that he does, and that he should be happy and greatful for whatever I can do to help?

That is the question of the year! hehe. I need the same thing answered. It's like everyone expects you to do so much and all your thinking is, this is not my job. I don't mind helping out, but this is something btwn you two. You made the kid/s together and not everything should be put on the DW just b/c your there. It's like you figure it out.

I married you, but I don't have this to deal with all this stuff you have me dealing with. It's not what we signed up for. We signed up for better or worse, but not craziness and hatred and then at the end just deal with it and get no respect. I will do a lot of things for my DH, but give up my sanity is not one of them.

When you have your own baby you bond with them and become so attached. You raise them to be good kids, well at least try. You teach them things so they can do good in life, teach them manners and not to be rude. Then you have kids that come in to where you see the total opposite and it's like, if that was my kid, they wouldn't be like that.

I feel like that today. Just wish it would all go away!

I'm just going to answer the actual original post question.

No, you're not. Personally for me, I think not admitting I don't want them here for the last 10+ years has caused me a lot of guilt and anxiety. Now I've realise that I was just doing my duty because I have my own kids, but ideally I just wanted it to be my own kids.

Mine are now adults and I don't have to have a huge amount to do with them and I am waiting for them to leave. I'm not sure what I can say to you if yours are quite young. I suppose, cut your losses or just try and get on with it for as long as you can. It's much harde when they are young.

Don't try to parent, pass all the crap and all the discipline on to your partner, it's his job not yours. You don't even have to cook or babysit if you don't want to, set boundaries. His/her kids are not your problem. Help out when you feel like it, but you are not obligated at all. They will pull the whole 'You knew I had kids thing.' on you, that's fair enough but you are not their mother. His responsibility.

I have two SD's age 7 and 10 plus 4 year old twins of my own with my husband. We get the older girls every summer and for every school break they have which basically means every holiday. My husband also works nights so I end up taking care of all the kids and disciplining them everyday. It is a lot and I am at my breaking point. The BioMom is awful and wants to be her kids friend not their mother so while the girls are not terrible they are not used any real rules or structure. I try to bond with the girls, take them shopping and buy them clothes for the summer, and hang out, but I just do not love them they way I love my children and by late summer I cannot wait for them to go back to their moms house until Christmas. I feel bad for my husband because he doesn't get to see them for months at a time but honestly I prefer when they are gone. I can't talk to my husband because he misses them so much and if I tell him this he just says, "oh you hate my kids". I don't hate them, they just are not my responsibility but I am the one taking care of them all summer long. I feel guilty about my feeling towards them and sometimes catch myself being a little too harsh and try to correct. I feel like a terrible person everyday  for not loving my step kids and wanting them to not be here. 

Such a common issue. The bio parents simply cant relate. It's like everyone thinks there own kids are flawless. But they somehow expect us to magically feel that way about their kids that had with the ex? As does society. It's crazy really. Like I get how my husband feels about wanting spend time with his kid, because I want to spend time with my baby on wknds. It gives me pleasure. But spending time with skids doesn't fulfil me. It does the opposite, it exhausts me. What's funny is when another kid comes over that isn't related, like a friends kid for example. And almost everytime DH comments afterwards about how exhausting so and so's kids is and how he couldn't wait for them all to leave because he'd rather just have his own. In those moments I feel like saying "yeah imagine how I feel allllllllll the time" actually I have had that conversation a few times. Met with a very blank stare followed by the rants "you hate my kids"

Also, why they think they get to make decisions with BM that involve us infuriates me. We never get a look in but yet expected to just be available. What are we? The hired help? I've lately been putting my foot down. It's not nice because it end in arguments about kids and I come off looking like the bad guy everytime. But like you OP I was done with being used and not even so much as asked. Stop assuming we're pumped to have your kids. The blokes live in an unrealistic dream work where we love their kids like they do and they have managed to rebuild a family life for their kids. I worry sometimes that's all they are focussed on. Building a family unit that's all for their kids and not because they like us as adult partners.