Hi everyone - I'm new here, but after reading some of the discussion posts, I seem to have found a kindship with so many of you that are struggling with similar problems.
Since it's my first post, I'll try to keep my story brief (difficult as it is a long one...)
I've been married to my husband for 19 years this Sept, we married a year to the date we met. His daughter turned 5 the November after we met. At the time, my husband had been separated from his wife of 6 years, who had left him and moved in with another man, taking their daughter with him. He was fighting for custody of her, but realized that it was not likely to happen and opted for visition. I became pregnant shortly after we met (much to our mutual joy), and I gave up my house(that I owned), job and friends to move to hubby's small town so that he would not have to give up the closeness to his daughter.
At first, the daughter seemed to accept me. I always treated her kindly and bought presents for her. The day our son was born, she walked into my hospital room and asked me "When is that baby going to die?". I was heartbroken, and upset, as I had lost my first child in a miscarriage years before. Let's say that set the precendent for what was to follow. My husband told my mother what she had said, and mom tried to come to her defence saying "Maybe she didn't mean it" but he replied, "I would like to think so, but I am afraid she did."
Throughout the years, I have always been there for her and supported this girl. She spent alternate weekends with us, and summer holidays. Even to the point of sending flowers to her mother when she broke up with the fellow she left my hubby for, and taking SD in when it was stressful at her home. Her mother and new husband (of 5 years) threw her out of their house due to disagreements between her and her step-father. So, at age 18 she moved in with us. Things were proceeding pretty well, until she met her boyfriend (now her husband) 5 years ago. She began splitting her time here and at her boyfriends, coming and going as she pleased, with no word to me. The problems began when I phoned her boyfriend's house one evening (just before 11) to relay a message to her that she had been called to remind her of a dentist's appointment the following day. I had been waiting for her to come home from work, but didn't know if she was coming here or going to her boyfriend's, so I called there. Apparently I woke his mother up - I apologized, but relayed the message. She wasn't aware if the girl was coming to her house or not. Anyways, later that night she came home here. I relayed the message, and nothing else was said.
The next night, all hell broke loose. She and her boyfriend arrived at our house 8 pm and told DH that they needed to speak to me. I was asleep with a bad headache, but hubby woke me up. (As an aside, I had sever medical problems and often have to rest. I had brain surgery in 2003 from which I have never fully recovered and am on long-term disability.) She he wakes me and I come into the living room and they both proceed to give me supreme shit for calling her so late and night and waking his mother up and worrying her over the daughter - "What was I thinking calling so late at night? Some people have to work for a living, you know. The phone calls to the house have GOT to stop". I was flabergasted. As I explained to them, I was simply relaying a message (I often forget due to the meds I'm on and wanted to make sure she got the reminder, otherwise she would have been mad at me for NOT reminding her). When asked why I did't call her cell phone, I told them, because she never gave me her cell number. "Well, Dad has it" As I replied "Well, he never gave it to ME!" The only two other times I called them at his parents home was when his car was leaking oil so badly it was dripping in a line all the way from our home, and I was worried about his car having problems and not being safe.
To make a long story short, the evening ended up with me in tears. DH tried to play the peacemaker and did not take my side. Although he did tell them that their attitude when they came in that night was loaded for bear. After they left, I said to DH that I couldn't take it anymore, I was going to go visit my mom and brother for a week or so. He replied that I did not have to leave our home - rather, he was going to ask her to move out. The next day, he did so. She broke down in tears, phoned the boyfriend who came in his truck to rescue her and move her into his parents home. Meanwhile, I tried to talk to her, but she kept blaming me, and I wasn't having any part of that. I said to her - "Your dad is out in the living room crying, can we not resolve this?" and she snapped back "I've waited years to live with my dad and you are ruining it!" DH then came into her bedroom and told me to leave it alone (gently). So she moved out and started living full time with her boyfriend and parents.
Since then, it has all been about him and his family. She has no time for anyone in our side of the family. And she has grown to hate me, depsite me making several attempts to make things up to her and get closer.
Within two years, they moved west and are now halfway across the country. They soon announced that she was pregnant. We were pleased, but I said to DH that my greatest fear was that she would use the grandchild as a weapon against me. They visited with the baby a couple of months after he was born, and I went out of my way to be gracious and threw her a shower. They also announced that they were planning a destination wedding. Now, my husband had just lost his job of 25 years due to plant closure. We no more had the money to travel (3 of us including our bio son who was age 17 at the time) than fly to the moon. When I spoke up to say we would be there only if dad found another job, she simply shrugged and said, oh, you'll find a way....Hubby, of course, wanted nothing more than to be at her wedding. So, after he found a job we made plans, to the tune of $6000. (By the way, I was the only one who had anything when we married. My money bought our house) 8 months later, he lost his job again due to a layoff. This was just two months before the wedding. We were not going to go if he lost his job, but he was so depressed, I looked into alternate travel arrangements (outside of the group rate) and we made plans for the same resort $2000. cheaper. Well, the best laid plans often go astray, as they say....3 days before departure, the Mexico travel plan was implemented last May. So we could not go - they opted for Jamaica, and it was going to cost us, again, over $7000.
So, they married without us there. (let me also say, that none of my DH's family has money to spare. Her husband's family does. His mother actually told me that "you know, weddings cost over $30,000, so we are paying for their trip, it will actually cost less for everyone to go." Well, wedding in OUR family cost no such money. We normally do pot-luck receptions and have a wonderful time with ALL of our family in attendance. Not just those who can afford to go....anyways, I digress).
A week later, they had their reception here in town where all attended (well, all that THEY wanted - my DH asked her to invite my only brother and his wife as we are very close - he got told by email to "respect their choices" as they did not have the room.) We were asked by them several months before the wedding to help with the costs - at that time, as we had booked the trip, we could only afford about $1000., so they got that. A WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING, after already telling us they had everything paid for, she had the gall to phone up and tell him that they were a little "short" of money to pay for the reception. To the tune of $3000. I flipped a lid. At that time, hubby was still unemployed. At any rate, we agreed to another $500. So when our trip got cancelled, hubby wanted to increase that amount, as we got most of our money back from cancellation insurance. I agreed to write her a check for $1500. (I handle the household finances). They asked for it before the reception and we gave it to them.
The reception was a farce. My mother-in-law is not well - photos were being done and when his parents and grandparents had had their photos done with them, the photographer asked "Who's next?" and I asked if DH's parents could go next (as I could see my MIL was about to collapse) and - SD hubby took my head off in front of everyone "WE'LL GET TO THEM...." I tried to go over to him and tell him I wasn't trying to run their reception and that my MIL wasn't well, but he walked away from me. I helped my MIL upstairs to the lounge and sat with her. They ignored our family. I asked if I could take the baby so he could spend some time with my hubby and was told NO. Meanwhile, the grandson is being passed around HIS family. First dance - the groom and his mother (not bride and her father). Hubby choked up trying to make his speech, so I had to step in and said "We were sorry we couldn't be at the wedding, but we were there in spirit. Families have their good times and bad times, ups and downs, but what's important to remember is that the love is always there." My husband's mother and sister were so fed up with the way they were treating us, they left the reception early.
Well, post-wedding, she cut me off Facebook (for the second time. The first time when DH approached her about it, she lied to him and told him she was just cleaning out her account and hadn't added everyone back on. When I asked him about it, he sent a friend request on my account rather than discuss it. She accepted it, but then deleted me after the reception). One day I noticed a snarky comment she had posted on a mutual friend's account. It was enough to set me off. I posted on my status that "I'm fed up with ignorance. Life is not a dress rehearsal, and tomorrow is promised to no one. Some people need to grow up before it's too late." Well, she sent me a nasty message about how she had put up with my immaturity for too long, and was finally telling me what I wanted to hear. I responded by telling her off with a few home truths, and she became vitriolic in her response making all kinds of accusations - that just because we had given them money for their wedding I had no right to tell them how to run their reception, telling me that she didn't give a damn about me (and that her father had known that for years), threatening DH and I that if we didn't chance our attitude, we would be Facebook grandparents. When I showed her post to DH,........well, he blamed me for posting my initial thought. I couldn't believe it. He was not happy with her either, but said he was fed up with being in the middle. I decided to simply let it go and ignore her.
Trouble is, he has let this girl walk all over me and has not had the guts to tell her, you don't have to love my wife, nor like my wife, but you have to respect her if we are to have a relationship.
7 months ago she told DH that she was pregnant again. After much thought, I send her a nice message telling her that a new life is a chance for a new start, that we were very excited about another grandchild, and that I hoped we could start fresh and put the past behind us. I told her that I knew I had not been the perfect step parent, but that I had always, and even now, only wanted the best for her and that she had been an important part of my life ever since I met her father. I never received a response.
The new baby was born (girl) two months ago. I proudly copied a photo from DH Facebook and put on my status - proud Grandma of *****. Two days later, I received another message from her telling me that 1)I am NOT to call myself Grandma and 2) I am NOT to use their photos of the kids for my profile, or anywhere else. And that if I don't make these changes, they will not be impressed.
Hubby sat me down to tell me about this message, as it had been copied to him. Apparently she had called him a couple months before to tell him she didn't want me caling myself Grandma (when she herself called me Granda two years ago with the first baby). He said that he didn't tell me at the time because he knew it would hurt me, and then (he says) he forgot about it....So I opened up the message, read it and cried, then got mad. Hubby said that he responded to her telling her that he had not said anything to me, and it wasn't my fault, and that he felt she was being unfair to me as I had been there for he for many years. After he saw as posting that said "you are going to ruin it for everybody" on his son-in-law's Facebook account, DH deleted his Facebook account as he got tired of the drama(I thought "FINALLY! He's sending her a message!), but than reinstated it a week later. I was going to respond to her message, but decided against it.

SO>>>>>>>I have officially detached myself. If this girl thought she could break up my marriage, she would do it in a heartbeat and feel no regret. I asked DH what he was going to do when she next came to town (January she came, but didn't call DH for 24 hours, asked him to come over to her in-laws where she was staying - we went, had 20 minutes with her and didn't even see the baby as he was sleeping), as I can see her next move is to tell DH that she wants to see him, but without me. I asked him what then? He mopes and says, "Well, then I guess I won't get to see my grandchildren". I told him that he was welcome to go see her on his own, but that she is NOT welcome in my home. I've HAD it. No more presents, hand-made quilts for the baby, flowers on childbirth, clothes shopping trips, etc. DH can deal with her. She is ruining his life and stressing him out so badly. He has not been the same in the past two years, and is remote and detached from me. I've told him I'll give him his freedom, if that's what it takes to make him happy. He says he doesn't want it. But I know that I can't live under this stress anymore, especially with my health problems. Toxic people do not belong in my life and SD is as toxic as they come.
He's been moping so badly since the new baby was born, I spoke to him a few days ago. He says he wants to see his grandkids. I told him- GO! Fly out and see them. But I know that I am not welcome in her home. He said "Well, she DID send you a birthday card"......What IS it about our men that is so gullible and stupid?? As if that is supposed to make a difference?? I would really like to see what would happen if he would call and say that we are both coming for a visit with them, and see what she would say......
Anyways, I told him to think it over and let me know what he's doing. My sis-in-law (his brother's wife) is going through a similar situation with her 15 year old SD (only my brother-in-law is staunchly standing by her side and saying that she doesn't get to choose her family - if she doesn't want to see his wife, he doesn't want to see her.....sigh), and apparently she talked to my DH yesterday, asking him if he had any plans for the rest of the summer. At which point he told her he is going to go see the grandkids. He's tired of the drama, and just wants to see the kids (I am assuming he means his grandkids......although maybe daughter too, IDK).

SOOOO.........OMG sorry for the long post. It's just such a complicated story, stretching over so many years.....I am done with this girl. I will never get to know her children, nor be a grandma to them, so what's the point of trying? If anything ever happens to my DH, she would never let me see them again anyways......As far as I am concerned, she no longer exists. She ignores our son (her half-brother) and the rest of her family on her dad's side. God help her if anything happens between her and her husband. She has alienated the family here so badly, and HIS family has dominated her life. She would be in for the fight of her life for custody of her kids, as her husband's parents are out there every month, and they have the $$ to back him up. Thank GOD my DH's family is on my side in this one (of course, according to SD, only because she is not here to defend herself......) I deserve love and support and positive people in my life, and I will no longer settle for less. I will no longer be blackmailed by the "Grandchild" card, or in any other way. I have come very close to walking out on my marriage because I am not sure it is what I want any longer. I am trying to get into counselling, but it is taking some time. DH has grudingly agreed to come with me, or get some on his own. I am hoping that it will give him some perspective. But I am sticking it out for now. If I leave him, she wins. That alone is not enough to make me stay, as I do love my husband.

Sending prayers and love to all those here struggling in step-families. Feel free to give your thoughts on my epistle.