The inevitable hitch that comes with disengagement
I've been disengaged from SD8 for the past 3 months now.
I use the term, disengaged, loosely because I do still help with SD8 once in a while when DH asks me politely.
I became 100% disengagement (don't even wanna see your nasty face or listen to your whiny voice) for the past 1 month, after I found out SD made up horrible stories about me and made false accusations to MIL/FIL about me. I told DH I don't wanna spend a single second alone with her because I don't trust her.
DH intially understood my anger and said he'll handle her from now on. That didn't last very long once the going got tough and he became exhausted!
I am in the middle of a stressful project at work so i've asked DH to be supportive because I don't need any extra stress right now. He was supportive till now. I usually try to come home late and avoid SD as much as possible! I try to spend weekends at work or with friends to avoid his princess as much as possible! I don't give a rats ass if DH doesn't like it. SD's craziness is NOT my problem. I don't wanna end up used and abused with a psychiatric diagnosis in 20 years! Hell to the no!
So my dilemma is DH has been testing the waters lately, asking me for one favor after another, regarding SD. I think about if I can handle it or not and response accordingly. He's been pretty understanding and i've returned his cooperation with more and more favors. But if there is something I know will throw me over the edge...I just say sorry honey, I can't. It was working before but now DH's patience has run thin LOL.
I agreed to come home early friday to watch her because he had a client meeting. BUT I said no to dropping her off to school today because spending mornings with miss nasty are equivilant to being bitten by a rabbit dog! :sick:
I rather avoid the stress of the dreaded breakfast dance, last minute unsigned HW and waiting in the never ending minivan line! No thank you!
DH didn't seem upset at first but slowly, all my boundaries have started bothering him. This morning was all sorts of crazy and a girl can only deal with so much! I don't know if some of you have read the nasty poop in my toilet incident but after she pooped in my bathroom and "forgot" to flush..she is NOT allowed to use my bathroom anymore!
She tried pushing the boundary again today by neeeeeding the bathroom just when DH had to shower. UGH! We were already running late this morning. DH offered...I said sure...just remind her to flush! LOL He didn't like me saying that. LOL whatever.
Then he's asking me to find new set of crayons for her because she's out. After only a month, she's out of all 24 crayons? WTH
This isn't 1st grade, it's 3rd! She needs just 2 boxes for the entire year, not 1 box per month. He didn't like me saying that either!
Then the final straw was her wearing ripped jeans without "noticing" they're ripped. I pointed them out to DH and then walked away. He told her to go change and went out to the car! She couldn't find her uniform khakis, wore another pair of jeans and left.
Of course, 30 minutes later, I get a lovely call from DH asking me "why didn't she wear khakis, why did we buy them if she's not going to wear them. SD said she asked you for them but you didn't give them to her?"
UMM excuse me but why did you lovely daughter NOT have her uniform laid out the night before after you reminded her!
Why did you leave the house without dressing YOUR daughter in those beloved khakis? Why the hell do you think you have the right to question me about what SD said. THIS is why I don't wanna spend a single second alone with her. So that I don't have to answer for anything she claims I said or did."
He was pissed of course, started his pitty party rant "You don't need to lift a finger for her anymore. I can handle her myself (Good because I can't nor do I want to). I was raising her before you came along. You can't even help me out by dropping her to school because it makes you uncomfortable! She's not your problem anymore. I can mange perfectly well without you."
I just said good, i'm glad. she's all yours. I wanted to help and support you as a father but obviously you've got things under control! }:)
This is the hitch with disengagement. It's lovely and freeing till DH goes ballistic and starts fighting with you because he rather offload his anger on you rather than actually deal with her hellish angels!
Good thing I don't care that DH is mad because he knows, oh he knows how horrible his SD is and how much moral support I actually give him. But I'll be damned if I lift another finger for his princess anymore! Not my problem!
Thanks Fightingcrazytrain.
Thanks Fightingcrazytrain. You're right about creating boundaries. It's especially difficult when you let them walk all over you for years. Lots of retraining is in order }:)
Yes! And because he's tired
Yes! And because he's tired and needs a break. Bio mom is not in the picture but that's not my fault. I told him to hire a babysitter when he needs some alone time }:)
I too am in the disengaging
I too am in the disengaging path....I sympathize with your frustration. But one thing I found very effective was an advise given here by WickedSM123. Basically check your temper and attitude when responding to DH or SD. Think about your response for a little bit if you have to but when you say something, say it in a civil manner with solid reasoning.
Lol, I know it is easier said than done, but i swear it works.....then your SD is the one looking like the shit disturber.
For example, last night during dinner, like clock work, SD12 brought up something about her to engage her father to a convo. Well, I didn't want to hear it or participate in her ego fluffing so I ate and put my plate away when i was done, then headed to our office. Shortly after my husband started heading to the office also to sit with me about business. AND without fail, all of a sudden SD12 has some loose teeth and she was acting like it was the end of the world! Normally this would have pissed me off, but I actually found it funny as my husband was trying to end the conversation saying...."You're going to be OK, you're not going to die". LOL!!!
Yeah none of this is easy.
Yeah none of this is easy. it's like constantly fighting off a swarm of bees LOL
Usually i'm pretty good, taking my time to respond but sometimes they push my buttons!
GRRRR I am an angry SM...hear me ROAR because sometimes that's an easy way to say "Honey i'm mad as hell and I ain't gonna take it anymore."
A lot of DH's get upset with
A lot of DH's get upset with their women disengaging - partly I think because it brings home to them exactly how obnoxious their kids/ex wives are - we wouldn't disengage otherwise!
I am glad you are not letting his outbursts affect your decision - I do think this is the right way to react. It sounds like both DH and SD are testing your boundaries on disengagement, to see if they can pull you back in.
You're absolutely right. I
You're absolutely right. I want to maintain that limit so SD cannot take advantage of me anymore. DH is testing because he wants me to help with SD. One, because he wants me "involved" in her life because he thinks she needs a "mom." Bio mom is out of the picture. Two, he's just tired and wants a break! LOL Oh well, call her REAL mom to come and help because it's HER job! Not mine!
Yes! DH's get upset because
Yes! DH's get upset because then they have to face just how bad their kids are without the SM buffer! Disengagement is way harder than it seems, sometimes for me I just want to jump in SUPER bad (and I've had a few backslides, but all they did was remind me of how it's important for me to just stay disengaged all the more). Now I just pretend like they're not even there...and DH has been seeing more and more how intolerable his kids are because I don't deal with them or step in at all. For the last 5 months or so that I've been REALLY disengaged, after every single weekend we've had with them, when we take them back to BM's house, the FIRST thing he says when he gets back into the truck is how he loves the kids because they're his, but he really doesn't like them very much. Now you're seeing it, DH, your kids AREN'T getting better, they're getting WORSE! Maybe the next step will be to actually DO something about it.
Yeah they do see very quickly
Yeah they do see very quickly how spoiled and manipulative they are. The doing something part is definitely harder. Some dads are better at parenting than others.
Be grateful you only have them on the weekends and you get your husband to yourself the rest of the week.
We have SD 100% of the time so it's really hard to disengage. Plus the control freak in me makes it harder to shut up! I think it takes lots of practice and with time, we get the hang of it.
What's worse is that SD has noticed that i've disengaged, barely speak to her and refer her to her dad ALL the time. So she's amped up her need to engage me, especially in front of DH and other adults. She's so smart. She thinks that i'll be too embarrassed to ignore her in front of other people (I was at first) and I will have to engage her and listen to another horrid story about when she was a baby. I still redirect her as much as I can but fighting off her relentless need for attention is the hardest part! :sick:
Let me give you an allegory
Let me give you an allegory of what is happening. I'm an alcoholic- when I realized this (after an expensive and humiliating DUI) I kept thinking "I can't ever have a margarita W/ mexican food again??" Or- what will my friends think if I don't accept that glass of wine? And I'd obsess and worry.... and fall off the wagon. It's what AA calls "stinkin thinkin" lol. So what works for me now is thinking, "I won't drink TODAY. I won't order a drink out TODAY". So what I 'm telling you is, make a plan (disengagement), stick with it day by day, and deal with problems and challenges as they come up. And other peoples actions/opinions (esp your DH) aren't a part of your game plan. Selfish? I don't think so. Self preserving? Yes.
That's such a great idea!
That's such a great idea! Thank you
It's all about how I view it. Take it day by day and I can only control my own actions!
Self preservation is exactly why I disengaged in the first place. I have to think of myself and my sanity when everyone is thinking about their happiness!
I do sometimes feel bad for dumping it all on DH but I have no other choice. I quickly become the bad guy if I try to discipline or teach his daughter right from wrong so then raise her yourself! }:)
You're doing great. And I
You're doing great. And I take offense to something u said- you didn't dump ANYTHING on him! lol Why do us women blame ourselves for everything? I'm guilty of that in spades. You're going to be fine. You're smart and determined.
Good luck and God bless.
This is to all that have
This is to all that have commented....
Have any of you, after disengaging, been accused of "hating" the child? That is where I am right now.
Thank you so much! I am
Thank you so much!
I am going to have to talk through all this today with my DSO. I am the same. I love him to the moon and back, I just don't care for his child. When I see her, it just reminds me of all the stupid shit her loser mother does and I just get furious. I don't mean to, but I blow her off and my SO is not happy at all about that. He says it is not her fault that she is like her mom. Well, I do kind of agree, but his daughter doesn't want to be better. She embarrasses me at some of the things she talks about with other people in our lives. Random adults and she will tell them ANYTHING!!! It embarrasses me horribly! I want things to work between he and I, but I believe being disengaged is the only way I can at least try to stop the ill feelings toward her.
Just like most bio parents, they believe sun shoots out of their kids ass...LOL I do get that, and if I had my own I would probably be the same...lol But when you see all the things that need help and can be objective, it sure back fires on you. I don't "hate" her, I just think a break is definitely needed. Heck she probably feels that way too...lol