can only change yourself
Well many tell me to kick sd14 out. Its super easy to tell someone but can you kick out your DHs kid? How and where to? Definitely great for when she's 18! But she's 14. So I'm screwed. My only option is disengaging and not giving her any chance or fuel. Today is day 1.
This morning she was short and snotty. I was nice.I didn't confront her on anything but I smelled litter box and I did make mistakes of asking her if she scooped last night. She was pissed. I apologize for offending her (history of her not doing it and lying). I pissed her off more because I scooped it because the smell was overwhelming. I cant go on stairs or up in hall or in laundry room for smell and baby y has to nap upstairs and I need to do laundry.
I made this mistake: I asked her why she was being hateful again a d what we did to make her mad. She ignoring baby and snotty with me. She of course said she did nothing and no attitude and aaaah so I need to keep mouth shut and not ask why mad.
What I learned:
1. Do not ask her if she did a chore, leave ALL for DH.
2. Wait until she leaves for school before scooping box.
3. Do not make any comments other than pleasantry or praise.
4. Ignore! Do not confront when she being shitty or hateful to even ask "what's wrong".
I am learning. Serve and stay silent. Dont risk pissing her off. Document. Encourage for her to go to bm and friends as much as possible! Four years to go.
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Put the litter box in her
Put the litter box in her room and close the door.
When you ask her to do something and she gets upset, you don't need to apologize, you tell her, if she refuses, walk away and tell DH so he can handle it.
At 14, no, you can't kick her out.
No but you can make life
No but you can make life miserable enough that she WANTS to leave and go live with BM...
That's what I would do. SD
That's what I would do. SD doesn't scoop the litter box like she's supposed to and it's stinking up the house? Put it in her room and stink out her room. Maybe then she'll remember to scoop it out.
When you disengage, Annanymous, you have to stop acting for the comfort of SD. It's not about her comfort, it's about your comfort.
Did that last pregnancy 2012.
Did that last pregnancy 2012. She never cleaned it Nd they shit the floor and pissed carpet. She cried to everyone I locked her in with cat pee and abused her. Nearly got me ostracized from all family.
I do boxes when im not pregnant. Its my cat. I'd get rid of then but one is 19 years old and the other cat my baby Loves.so I told dh either he clean the box or he make sure she clean it. He didn't for last pregnancy but I packed my shit and was going to move out of state. Now he is taking full reigns on sd14 and litter box.
I won't take her anywhere its his job except to therapist.
I dont ask her to do anything
I dont ask her to do anything anymore. Its all on dh. That's why I said my mistake for asking if she dod it.
My goal is complete disengaging total. I dont want to even ask her to pick up her shoes. I text dh and he texts her from work. then if she didnt do t, he deals with her at 7pm. She sucks up to him awww daddy I forgot booboo aww daddy I just tried so hard to help mom but she was mean to me boohoo.
So no more.
100@% all on dh. He said if she wants to go somewhere she has to ask him in advance. No more calling him from freaking school or calling him at work. Answer is no if he's at work when she asks.
he finally gets it and sees the lies and manipulations. He told me she can feed herself or not eat. She can be polite downstairs or stay in ember room.
My job is to smile and be polite and give NO ability to put anything on me and not do anything with her other than drive to therapist. Don't talk to her about ANYTHING other than pleasantry. Good for you. That's nice. I don't even talk to her about her day aNymore
Sounds like these steps you
Sounds like these steps you are taking are to keep SD happy.
That's not really the point.
The point of disengaging is to make yourself happy and to give yourself peace.
If you want something done, and it her responsibility, don't be afraid to tell her to do it.
The point is to make her do things herself. You are not her slave. You should NOT have to walk on egg shells around a 14 year old girl in your own damn house. She is the one who should feel uncomfortable. NOT you.
>>>>She is the one who should
>>>>She is the one who should feel uncomfortable. NOT you.<<<<
YES! This all the way.
Im pregnant. Spina bifida. I
Im pregnant. Spina bifida. I just have the goal of not deali g with sd14 anymore really and just keel her off me and stay away from her emotional dysregulation and not give her anything she can use to try to tell people I verbally abused her. Which I didn't of course.
100% disengaging. I wont ask anything of her. Dad texts her if he wants her to do chores. I don't deal with her beyond what I have to do. She is trying to lay her head in my lap all the time... then tells people i abuse her...
I won't even ask her to pick up shoes. Dad .ca. do it himself or tell her to do It. He has her do it and shes all
ok daddy! Can I do anything else to help daddy? Mommy's mean to me daddy but I try to offer to do chores but I'm afraid daddy. He says yeah k..do it. He knows she psychopath.
Now I no longer confront. I ignore her bs. Stay away.
Disengaging is not to make up
Disengaging is not to make up miserable. It is to make them realize their behavior and to change and in the meantime, take away our frustration at not being heard.
Put the litter box in her room. You need to just ignore the kid more and focus on your own bio. She will make you miserable. And yes, you can force a child out. Lucky for us, ours hated rules, so she left but not without leaving some major damage behind. But, now years later, my house is peaceful. The drama left the building. Still wreaks havoc now and again, but that is via Facebook or email...
If I. Lucky. Remember no BM
If I. Lucky. Remember no BM for past three years. This is first face to face tomorrow with bm. She going for over ight in couple weeks. I hope she wants to stay there!
Please tell me how (seriously
Please tell me how (seriously not sarcastic) because despite what she tells people for attention and pity, she loves it here and has it great. Dh loves his only daughter and wont send her off without solid cause (if I prove she hit me or baby or she made serious dangerous false allegations to cps beyond crying verbally abused).
Rules are strict here. I bet bm would let her run wild. Once she starts visits I hope she wants to stay there and get to know her mom and other siblings. I wont manipulate anything but I wont give her more freedom here and I will remain positive about spending time with her mom. Even if she went EOW on weekends dh works, it would be amazing. She can start going to friends houses on afternoon eventually. ..hopefully.
Add: she didn't do homework
Add: she didn't do homework then bragged to friends about failing and "fuck them Im not doing it" but cried to dh she was too "broken" to concentrate. ....
Part of my disengaging is I quit monitoring homework! Let her fail. IDGAF any more.
I found a letter written to her by her teacher last year its written in purple with hearts drawn on it and says oh SD14 I am so so sorry your home life is so aweful it breaks my heart your sm is so terrible to you and treats you so bad. Just know I am here for you and I love you! ♡♡♡..
Now this was from Fall 2012 but now I know why teachers glared at me when I visited her at school to take her lunch or a book or whatever she wanted or to conference. :***(
She told me that my grandmother called my baby a awful little monster and hateful boy and said granny told her that I am a bad mom and baby's going to be sick and all my fault... she had told my granny that I verbally abused her. ... then she hugging me says I don't know why no one likes you but I love you!.... this again was in 2012.
No one sees this but me and DH and DH isn't telling anyone e because he wants them to love her and oh they know better... but people believe what a 13-14 pitiful sad eyed sweet girl tells them!
This is all from last year but I won't forget or forgive.
All I can do is disengaging and try to hope she will run away to BMs. Pray. Please pray! It would rock!
I wish I kept it. I just
I wish I kept it. I just found it a couple months ago when we were moving and I stupidest it where I found it. I am not exaggerating at all either.
This happened during my previous pregnancy in Nov 2012.
Dh saw it.
Dh wants me to get over it and let him parent and I need to move on and pretend like she's not doing anything.
I would love her to move out but nit happen.
She stayed the night with her bm last night. She was whispering to bm whom she had not spoken to in three years and then told me oooh I broke up withwith my boboyfriend hehehe. I would have told you but I didn't feel like it last night hehehe. I said that's fine I dont need to know
she was trying to rub it in but IDGAF! Lol
Her bm is just like her even making up stuff about abuse... bm claims her sm abused her and I am sure they will trash me really good.