Apparently I can't ask my SD to do her chore.
Sorry in advanced. Just kind of need to rant.
My SD never had a single thing that was expected of her when I first moved in. She was 8 and my DH cleaned her room, picked out her clothes, sat in her bathroom while she took a bath, etc. She is now 13 and I have implemented some basic chores. DH goes back and forth on whether he supports me or thinks I'm being mean. As of last month, I've started to disengage. I'm not her mom, she is not a reflection of me, I don't care how she turns out because she is not my child.
Anyway, one of her chores is to scoop out the litter box every other day (Mon, Wed, Fri). Today is Thursday. One of the cats had some bad diarrhea and the house smelled bad. I asked her to scoop it out. She whined. I caved and said at least clean out the poo. She whined but said fine. Off she went to walk the dog and she would do it when she got back. My DH jumped on me the second she walked out. Complained that I should have just cleaned it since I was the only one it bothered. I said it would take her less than 1 minute and it really wouldn't kill her. He thought I was being ridiculous. I said fine, sorry, I won't ask her to do stuff ever again, my bad. Then he told me I was being like BM by taking it to "an extreme" by saying that I won't do it again. Ugh. It's a lose-lose. Super frustrating.
Thank you! I couldn't believe
Thank you! I couldn't believe he would jump on me like that. I asked something very simple to be done and all I got was, "Then why didn't YOU do it?" THEY ARE NOT MY FREAKING ANIMALS AND IT IS HER CHORE! My house smells like doodoo and it needed to be cleaned up. I already clean up the hair balls and vomit (one of the kitties has IBS so he's always throwing up) and I do it without saying a word. No big deal. I was eating because I had just got home 10 minutes before they did. I wasn't going to set my food down, go dig out the poop, and then continue eating when it shouldn't be my problem to begin with.
Not my cats. They were here
Not my cats. They were here long before I was in the picture. From what I know the EX used to clean them. Then when she left my DH did them. When I moved in somehow I got stuck doing them. After 2 years, I got sick of it and told him she needs to do. DH is happy to get rid of the cats but I feel like if you adopt an animal they should be yours for life. SKID won't let DH get rid of them either because she loves them and promised to take care of them. I didn't delete your comment, I somehow posted this twice? Haha not sure how I did that.
From now on you can be asking
From now on you can be asking him to do stuff. Drop the hot potato.
The problem is never the stepchildren. It is always the adults. My skid is not such a bad kid. If it were not for his daddy teaching him that he does not have to respect me we would have been the best of friends. Too bad daddy ruined it.
I would TOTALLY do that if it
I would TOTALLY do that if it wouldn't incite a war in my house! Honestly, that is the way I would parent. VERY clear consequences. But who am I to make her take 1 minute out of her day to help the household?
I am loving the disengagement. I've still got a ways to go. I guess this was me testing the waters. My DH and I had just had a conversation a few days ago about how I'm tired of nagging so I don't care if her bathroom/room is a disaster, that she hasn't replaced the toilet paper in her bathroom for 3 weeks (I HAVE NO IDEA HOW SHE WIPES!!), or her grades or her homework, etc, but I do care about her taking care of her animals (2 cats, and 1 corgi). As well as our common living areas. Otherwise, F-it. He said that he thinks it's reasonable to just ask her when something needs to be done (dishes and messes and what not) instead of having clear, set days when things need to be done. So I asked about the damn cat box and then all that crap happened.
I've been biting my tongue about the dog as well. She's a young, active dog and she needs to be exercised in the morning because she will be in the crate for 6-8 hours in the day. I swear to you that I will look at the leash that she left laying on the garage floor before I go to work and come home and it's in the EXACT same spot. When I ask about it she lies and insists that she walked the dog. I'm going to get one of those Whistle dog activity monitors to ensure the dog is being taken care of. I have spent way too much of my money and time and love to the poor thing to see her suffer like that.
Lol sorry for ranting some more.
If your SO does not support
If your SO does not support you in the chores area, drop it.
I tried this and it doesn't work: charts, asking nicely, begging DP, etc. Nothing helps. The only thing I have too slowly realized is realizing that there will never be "chores" for the SDs. DP only calls it "helping out" and picks what he thinks is reasonable. Right now it's pretty much only helping clear the dinner table. Everything else is NOT to be ASKED of the SDs, it's if they choose to do it.
So what do I do? I do not do it. DP just HAS to compensate for the lack of chores, not me.
If it bothers you too much, just gather the stuff and throw it into their rooms.
I throw LOTS of stuff in the trash, or move it to the garage for a month or so and if it's not missed, donate it.
Don't battle the chores even though we ALL know that they are a good thing to have.
That's definitely where I'm
That's definitely where I'm heading towards with the disengagement. Like you, I made charts, started an allowance, the whole 9-yards and have nothing to show for it besides my nagging and losing my sanity.
I'm going to start with dumping everything of hers back into her room. Because I don't care about her keeping her room clean anymore. Last night I went into her playroom (Yes, she has 2 rooms full of sh*t that she does not play with or touch) and emptied the boxes and bags full of stuff that she wanted to sell at a garage last summer but never did. I'm going to donate it all tonight.
What really set me off last night, besides DH jumping on me, was that she came home from school, dumped her backpack on the floor, sat and text for a half hour, and then said, and I quote, "I hate our house. I love going to other people's houses, it's so nice when I'm not here. Our house feels gross." Oh my mother fjdgkdjhkj god. I about lost it. This is the house that she grew up in with her mother and her father. I moved in about 6 months after the EX moved out (BIG MISTAKE, I KNOW). I wanted to move and start fresh 5 years ago. About 2 years ago we were seriously considering moving, I was so excited! But then SD said she didn't want to move, she loves this house, it's so close to school, friends, etc. So we didn't. We did not move because she didn't want to and DH didn't want to remove her from everything she's ever known. So when she said how much she hates it here I got really bitter. I hate feeling like this. She's happy to complain about the house but does nothing to help. And DH will not help out with chores, most of the time. He is awesome when it comes to the garbage and the laundry. Seriously, 10/10. But vacuuming, clearing the counter, cleaning the bathrooms, mopping, organizing the pantry, basically everything else will not get done unless I do it. And when she has 3-4 very small chores and consistently won't do them I just lose my mind. I would honestly be so willing to do everything else if I felt like I was being appreciated and that there was a fair and consistent division of household chores.
Haha sorry, I still have so much to rant about.
Yes - I am going to hate to
Yes - I am going to hate to see the house a mess, but that's that.
My older SD allows food to rot in her room.
So hope you don't have that issue.
I'm afraid that when my SD gets her period she'll be one of those that leaves used pads around and/or never takes out the trash.
So she just cleaned her room for the last time with firm instructions from me (see my latest blog post for cup issue as a result).
No more discussions.
If it gets to a wrecked state, I'll just clean it and trash everything.
DP hopefully will have some sort of understanding; the last house we were in was tiny and he stepped up there because things got messy very quickly in the small space. But he's one of those classic men who set something down and it immediately disappears. Until he can't find any socks/underwear/glasses, etc...then it's panic time.
I think I'll continue to mop/organize/laundry. It's the clutter and random stuff just left laying around that drives me insane. DP thinks I'm too "anal" about it, but I'm sorry, if you just finished the roll of TP and threw the empty roll on the bathroom floor instead of in the trash (right next to the toilet) that is NOT being "overly worried about cleanliness" it's just about not being lazy.
PS - do not EVER read SDs texts, emails, diary etc. It'll just make you mad. Ignore. Her opinion doesn't matter anyway.