How to deal with blantant diregard by the BM
I'm a divorced mother with two sons (20 and 14) and have one step-son from my current marriage who is 7. The BM is incorrigible!! Everything is a fight. She purposely does not put my husband's contact information on school forms, schedules appointments without sharing the information, etc. I don't know how much more I can take.
I try my hardest to stay out of DH and BM's drama but I constantly feel like it is disrupting my life. And frankly, I feel unappreciated by both of them for all that I do for SS and don't get any acknowledgement. My DH doesn't make a lot of money and I am comfortable in a monetary sense because I have a good job. I frequently pay for necessary items (clothes, shoes, etc.) for my SS and never say a word.
Every time the BM get a bee in her bonnet (even if I had nothing to do with whatever is upsetting her at the moment) I get blamed. I know it's a matter of jealousy but come on? How much am I suppose to take while keeping my mouth shut?? Would she behave nicer to me if she knew what all I do behind the scenes for her son and let my DH take credit for? GRRRRRRR
Any advice is appreciated.
Probably not. Perversely,
Probably not. Perversely, she's more likely to have a fit and tell you that you're overstepping and go into a tirade about how you aren't the mom.
Advice? Adjust your expectations. BM is unlikely to ever appreciate you. Nor is she required to. She didn't pick you. Her ex did. She is more likely to resent you than appreciate you for anything you do. If it bothers you, stop dealing with her. You do not need to have any kind of relationship with her. So don't talk to her, make DH do it. If she wants to blame you, hang up, walk away, whatever. You aren't here to be her pouncing bag. She'll still blame you, but you don't need to hear it. If DH tells you about her diatribes, tell him you don't want to hear it and enforce that.
Tell DH you feel unappreciated by him. If his behavior doesn't alter after you've communicated what you need, then stop doing for SS whatever is making you resentful and make dad step up. He's not your kid, you can remind DH that what you do for SS is not your obligation, it's what you choose to do and you can stop any time.
You can't change other people, you can change your reaction to them and the situations. If DH doesn't like the way BM is behaving, he needs to be the one to do something about it.
I've tried a variety of your
I've tried a variety of your suggestions already. I don't pick up or drop off anymore. I don't even make breakfasts/dinners. I tell my SS to ask his DH (who is more than willing to do what needs to be done) all because the slightest thing is a battle cry to her.
The problem I think is that I'm 16 years older than my DH and 18 years older than the BM. I have experience that they don't have. However much I try to stay in the background, DH asks for my advice. If he chooses to use it then she gets mad because he is being involved and/or, in her screwed up mind, I'm behind it. I just give advice. I tell DH do whatever he thinks is best. We always maintain that everything is his idea because if she knew the advice came from me then she would behave even worse! On the one hand she is always saying she wants DH to be more involved but when he tries to get more involved she gets mad and tries to shut it down because she thinks its coming from me. Everything has to be on her terms. She's Batsh*t crazy!
She even involves the SS in arguments that are basically about what my DH and I do together on our own time. And then there is the constant money issue. She and her husband are always broke (because she won't get off her lazy butt and get a job) and when things are tight (like they are now with Christmas coming) she screams for more child support because she thinks DH has money. He doesn't. I pay for all of our extras but with our finances being separate there's nothing extra to be had based solely on his income. She even signed away all rights to every revisit child support amounts when they got divorced. He keeps telling her that she gave up that right and she whines like a little kid that it isn't fair that we go to concerts and ball games and she can't. Not my problem! But boy am I sick of hearing about it!
Yea, I get how frustrating
Yea, I get how frustrating and stupid it all is.
The only thing you can really do is stop caring and stop hearing any of her garbage. You know she's a loon, so what does it matter if she blames you or not? Consider the source.
Don't talk to her on the phone, don't respond to texts (really its better to block her number on your cell), if she tries to talk to you in person, walk away. If DH wants to tell you about her psycho behavior, tell him to stop. If SS wants to talk about his mom, change the subject. If he's trying to tell you what his mother says you can or can't do, tell him that's for grown ups to worry about, he needn't concern himself or that your an adult and his mommy doesn't get to tell you what you can do in your house or with your time, nicely.
Unfortunately, she's obviously high conflict. There is no dealing with her rationally. You need to disengage from her completely for your own sake. If she wants to screw up her kid by creating problems with dad and putting SS in the middle, that is so so sadly something she can do. Not a darn thing you can do about it. Dad can beat her with the court order or his general rights, but he also needs to have strong boundaries and shut her down when she goes batshit in his direction.
The sad reality of step parenting is that we are always the scapegoats if there's a nut in the mix. I'd look into some books on how to deal with high conflict personalities and have your DH read them too.
Remind your husband you are
Remind your husband you are not his X and when he is upset with her not to take it out on you. If he values you enough to ask your opinion than he better well be thankful for it. If the nutty BM is pulling you into things next time pick up the phone when she calls and ask her what her problem is in a rash way. In the 15 yrs I have dealt with BM I have had 3 conversations with her. All 3 times she knew she didn't have a leg to stand on with me. I never screamed and only kept to my feelings and did not bring in DH on my conversations. BM will not even step foot on my porch stoop now. Not that she is afraid, but she is ashamed that whole I won't look you in the eye thing. This made it clear to BM, DH and SD I was not going to be bullied. For years nobody has told me what BM says about me because they know I don't give a Hoot! Oh and I give it to my husband too when he complains what a nut BM is I remind him well she was good enough for you to lie down with and that shuts him up!
To Patsy: I had that very
To Patsy:
I had that very conversation with her this past weekend. She ranted and raved (and keep in mind I didn't call her and even tried to give the phone directly to DH) and I met each of her rants with facts. It's like talking to a brick wall. She was screaming about stuff that she got from stalking my FB page through someone else's account (I have since deleted anyone that she and I had as mutual friends) that wasn't even accurate. Her information is soooo off base but she won't even listen to fact. And no matter what happens to her son it is always my fault. DH could make a decision for the son and I could be in Alaska for 4 months and still get blamed!
I know she's jealous because I represent what she wants but doesn't have (secure future, nice house, nice car, etc.) She chose to be a career welfare/food stamp recipient instead of working for herself and her children. I chose to work hard, go to school and be independent of a man for the things me and my children need. Goodness only knows what her current husband is having to put up with!
I have no problem removing myself completely from the situation. I am already doing that for the most part. What do I do about the phone though? My husband's job is not conducive to receiving calls while working and he always gives my number as his back up. What if SS was injured at school and the biological parents weren't to be found?? (She takes a lot of naps and DH works out of town at times) And I am willing to make a phone call or two FOR my DH when he's at work. BUT I get yelled at for that also. I made an appointment for SS in place of DH and sent her a text with the date and times. Nothing more. Apparently I am not even allowed to help my DH out either. Meanwhile, she claims she does nothing but support the dual household idea to her son and is constantly telling how lucky he is to have two moms and dads. I don't want to be this kid's mom. I have my own children but I will accept him in my life because I love my DH.
The constant drama is going to make me go crazy!! :jawdrop:
And I have to add that all
And I have to add that all this drama is foreign to me. I have been divorced twice and have a child with each ex-husband. We have always worked together for our children and have had little to no disagreements over the years. It's just so foreign to me. I keep telling myself that she lacks maturity but that isn't even enough to cover the copious amounts of crap she can deal out. I seriously think she's mentally ill.
It is very possible she is
It is very possible she is mentally ill. You have been through this before and you know she is off don't doubt yourself. You have to deal with people differently when there is mental illness or you might start to feel you are the one with problems. The more attention that is given to her the worse it will get. Be firm with her, but don't dwell on it. You can't fix crazy!
I am not a stepmom who was
I am not a stepmom who was able to pull off the disengagement with my SD, but I have been with her over 15 years and she was only 2 when I met her. You did great stepping up to BM and just keep doing it. When she realizes nobody cares what she thinks about you she will eventually stop. If your SS is injured yes go that is why you are a backup for emergencies and you shouldn't think a thing about it. BM is being unreasonable about the texts for pick up about your SS. It is not fair she is acting this way, but most things aren't fair. She is going to do anything in her ability to drive you crazy. If this were me I would tell DH Hey I know it's crazy BM gets mad about me setting up the pick ups and you can't have your phone at work, but you are going to have to figure out something because I tired of getting crap because I am helping you out. That is just me.
I have helped him devise a
I have helped him devise a new shared parenting schedule (which we are saying was completely his own to ward off drama) so I fear she is going to get worse. Their paperwork simply says 50/50 time with each parent. They have never had a set schedule beyond every other weekend. He has tried to have his son more but she has always done something to prevent it (even pretending she's not home). She constantly tells DH to be more involved but then get angry or tries to stop his involvement when it actually happens and says her current husband is the rightful father in terms of care and doing father/son things like scouts. She even lists her husband as the father on school forms. DH have received some strange responses when calling the school, etc. because they don't even know he exists! DH is standing tall on this one, as he should, but I fear her drama will go into overtime if their son is at our home half of the week.
We have also found a couple of apps and websites that could be used for communication since it is such a problem. I fear she won't use what they agree on because of her control issues. I am borrowing trouble but I can lay money that she is going to get worse before she gets better. How do I maintain my sanity through it all?? I am a strong woman and have lots of patience but I will only take so much. Hence the conversation this past weekend where she spewed lies and I countered with facts. Heck, I even thought about sending her a friend's request on FB so she could really spend some time studying my page and therefore find out that I'm pretty boring - pics of my kids, pets, stay home and read rather than live the party life, etc. I'm too old for the crap! LOL