Getting through an afternoon with BM
Any advice is welcome on how to get through the afternoon tomorrow. SS(7) has an evaluation for ADHD (and trust me, this kid does not have it. My oldest BS was a classic case so I'm fairly up to date on signs of ADHD, treatment, etc.) which is to appease BM who is dying to have this child diagnosed with something, anything to explain some of his behavior. A diagnosis will take the burden off of her that she just might be doing a crappy job raising him.
A little back story: All of the disruptions SS(7) causes in school and at her home do not happen with me and DH. We are firm but fair, stick to a schedule, etc. and no fusses. Initially he showed the same behavior in our home as he does with BM and school but once he figured we won't give in to his tantrums it stopped. Last year towards the end of the school year BM tried to have him diagnosed with Autism. The psychologists looked at her and said "I don't even know why you are here. He clearly has absolutely NO austistic behaviors." Not once is she thinking about what she is putting this child through with doctors and shrinks and appointments and what it is doing to his self esteem. We have also endured play therapy and group parenting counseling which didn't help at all. (It would help if all parties were receptive to accepting their role in the issue but that's another story). And previous testing for ADHD from a quack nurse practitioner that wanted to medicate him after 10 minutes of discussion with BM and DH and no interaction with SS(7). Luckily DH spoke up and no medication was given. SS(7) has had so many bogus appointments that he told me he had a therapy session with his little sister the other day because she was scared and crying about everyone dying. His sister is 4! Yes, BM is doing a great job ruining all of her children. They are all constantly exposed to violent videogames and televisions shows that are NOT age appropriate and all three kids are obsessed with death and killing.
Anyway, I am going with DH to the appointment and SS(7)'s BM and step-father will be there. Two weeks ago she declared I'm to have nothing to do with the raising of this child. DH wants me to go to this appointment for support of him and SS(7). I'm the only one that has had any experience with this type of testing/counseling/diagnosis. How do I make through a 4 hour appointment with her and her snide ways and support DH, who has limited knowledge on the subject, without overblown drama starting because she declared I'm not to be involved? Help please! I'm a little fed up with the whole situation.
Let me get this straight. It
Let me get this straight. It is okay for the stepfather to be there and you be excluded!? That's bullsh*t! If I were you, I would go if your DH wants you to go. Like you said, if he has little experience with ADD/ADHD, he would value your insights.
MY SS was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years back and I picked up every book I could get my paws on, so I feel like I am well versed on the subject (like you). So hopefully this test will rule it out and prove that the problem with SS7 is that he simply needs a firmer hand when he is in BM's care. There are PLENTY of good parenting tactics out there to get kids to acquire good study habits and none of them involve chasing after doctors and making appointments for child therapy.
I plan to go to support DH
I plan to go to support DH but I'm just waiting for her to exclude me from the parent portion of the appointment, which won't be happening unless her husband is prepared to hang out in the waiting room with me also!
After the episode with the quack nurse practioner, DH made an appointment with a top notch facility close to where we live. And like you, Drac0, when my son was diagnosed I bought every book, went on-line, etc. I have shared all of my info with DH and he thinks this is just another one of her crazy ideas but he wants me there as his "parent with experience". He truly hopes that this is the end of this and all the testing for stuff that has nothing to do with SS(7) but more of how she isn't parenting. My opinion is that SS(7) just needs some counseling on controlling his temper and social skills. He's kind of a strange kid - no friends, weird social skills, and that obession with death and killing from the video games. BM doesn't have him socialize with kids his age or from school and have him in activities like sports. He only plays with his siblings and cousins because she's too lazy to set up play dates and things. DH and I would take him or do more but SS(7) goes to a different school district than where we live. We recently put him in Cub Scouts though to try to help the socialization issues.
And here's the kicker in all of this madness of finding a diagnosis - it's my insurance! She doesn't want me involved but she loves my insurance!
I do not know your SS7 and I
I do not know your SS7 and I am no child therapist but based on the little tidbits you wrote, it sounds like your SS is suffering from typical COD (child of divorce) symptoms. At that age, they are frustrated and confused over their home life/situation. Since they still haven't learned how to deal with that frustration, they lash out. I say this because my SS used to cry at a drop of a hat at that age. Even now (he's 13) he'll have meltdowns once a week. It's a control issue. So while the BM may be lax in her abilities to parent, I *think* she needs to understand her son's situation a little more too. Once she understands where her son's temperament is coming from, the better she will be at handling it. I just hope your BM is not like my SS's father. He doesn't understand his son AT ALL and blames all of his son's shortcomings on us.
SS(7) doesn't remember his
SS(7) doesn't remember his parents together. They split up by the time he was 1 yr old. BM has spent a great amount of time telling SS(7) to call his step-father "Daddy" and to call DH by the term "Daddy First name". He was so brainwashed by the time I came along that he immediately started calling me mommy and was thrown off guard completely when I explained he could call me by my first name because mommy is a special word for his mother, not me. She has spent a lot of time giving in to him rather than holding firm to a punishment and he has been surrounded by various grandmothers that do the same thing. I personally think he has a problem respecting women because he is so used to getting his way. His tactics don't work on me because I caught on really quickly and when I tell him no he now knows I mean it.
She has really not done any of this (except the names for DH and step-father) on purpose but more out of laziness. She also treats her two children from her current husband very differently. Even though they have little money the other kids get better clothes, toys, etc. than my SS(7) because he is from that "mistake marriage" she had in the past. No kidding. She tells everyone she has been with her current husband for 12-13 years as if nobody is going to notice that there was this little thing called a previous marriage and child in there somewhere. You can't bring any of this to her attention though because she will concoct the most elaborate lies to cover up her behavior or just ignore it altogether. She is the one that needs therapy (which is what the play therapy that my insurance covered turned into - SS(7) in the other room while she talked to the counselor about her issues). Where she finds these crackpot therapists is beyond me!
Not drugs. Just the
Not drugs. Just the reassurance that none of it is her fault. She will have a disease to blame it all on rather than look at her own responsibility in this. I suspect that the thought of a government disability check is really appealing to her also. She has made a career out of government assistance.
Sorry to say, beaccountable,
Sorry to say, beaccountable, but I don't know what you mean by OP?? I'm new to this site and am stilling learning the abbreviations. I appreciate the advice though!!
OP = Original Poster (or
OP = Original Poster (or Original Post)
Thank you!
Thank you!
I plan to go no matter what.
I plan to go no matter what. Not only to support DH and provide guidance to him, because he doesn't know a lot about the subject, but to support SS(7). She was sooooo quick to want to put him on the maximum dosage of Adderall when the quack nurse practitioner wanted to medicate so quickly. I immediately piped up with "That's the dosage my teenage son was taking. Hope you are ready because if he doesn't have ADHD you are going to have a kid binging off the walls!" BM's husband asked me what Adderall was. I told him it was speed, plan and simple. They didn't even know that ADHD is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain! She wanted to medicate. Luckily DH already knew what to expect from being with my son and her husband is quick to pick up on things. He vetoed the idea also. Probably another reason she hates me. Sorry folks! Do what is best for the child, not for yourself. They didn't asked to be born or to have parents that are divorced and can't get along.
The antics that my DH and the BM go through just amaze me! I've been divorced twice and, although my ex-husbands weren't always a treat, we always worked together for the best for our children. The drama I have experienced since meeting my DH is out of this world!
I totally get the trying to
I totally get the trying to not seem overbearing in these situations. I am a social worker and have a lot of training in poverty, psychological diagnosis, and child development with focuses on abuse and neglect. So going to all the therapist appointments, court ordered mediations, DFS visits, all of that is super hard for me. Once I get to talking it is hard to stop, and the professionals all talk directly to me bc I know the lingo and they know the organization I work for. And I totally get BM wanting to shove me out bc she is threatened by that.... My advice to you is to sit back, let them talk, when the doc asks your perspective or what happens at your house, do let them know you are knowledgable but dont dwell. I try to only give my opinions when I am asked directly. After a few appointments, the professionals all go through DH and I because it makes their jobs easier. Just try to be cautious of it, and make sure your DH knows you dont want to overstep but you want to share your knowledge- ask for his help in limiting how much you talk. (If you are anything like me, you may need that) There have been instances in the beginning where I tend to take over, bc to be blunt I know a hell of a lot more than DH or BM even comes close to knowing... when they asked about our home or our concerns I just kind of go. DH doesnt really do well in meetings and I can talk to a room of 500 people no issue. It has caused arguments in the past of making DH seem not involved, that type of thing. So again, I just caution you to show your knowledge but let DH take the lead, and let him hand it off to you.
Well, the appointment was
Well, the appointment was yesterday and BM brought out another one of her personalities, the "good mother I love everyone and my life is like June Cleaver's" personality. She just didn't want to look bad in from of the medical staff. The psychologist saw right through it in a skinny minute and called her and DH out on their obvious animosity for each other. BM of course denied any animosity but DH was honest and said that he thinks she lies more than she tells the truth and that her so-called structured routine and devoted parenting is a pile of horse poop. I think the follow up meeting will consist of the psychologist giving the two of them a serious lecture about how their immature behavior is affecting their child more than anything. SS(7) does show ADHD tendencies but more than likely not enough to need medication. The pyschologist seemed more concerned with SS(7)'s coping skills and social skills. More to come from the three ring circus!
Ugh. I was kinda hoping that
Ugh. I was kinda hoping that ADHD would have been ruled out. It took me a long time to realize that psychologist reports are written in tongues (i.e. "Child has signs and exhibits symptoms that are conducive of ADHD"). Why can't they just state; "Kid has ADHD. Recommend that parents do the following...."?. So annoying! But other than that, I'm happy to hear it went well.
SS(7) probably won't be
SS(7) probably won't be medicated but he does need some help in his "ADHD tendencies" which I frankly don't buy all that much. I personally think he's manipulative and uses behaviors that worked in the past to get what he wants - i.e., throw a tantrum to get out of spelling test because that will get him sent to the office where he gets one-on-one attention from principal or guidance counselor. It's still attention just for him rather than attention from the teacher that he has to share with the rest of the class.
It all stems from BM being permissive in the past and letting him get away with murder while he also has to compete for her attention from his half-sister (a holy terror by the way. She almost burnt their house down once!) and half-brother and BM's addiction to TV. He needs to learn new coping skills and social skills more than anything. His self esteem is so low!
Special glee (internal and wicked I know) was that BM was told point blank to get the TV out of his room at her house and to take away the game consoles as well. SS(7)'s obsession with violence and death comes from that (He was allowed to play Halo, Call of Duty, etc. when he was 3-4 years old and then BM had the thought, after the nightmares started, that it might be too much so now he's just allowed to watch his step-father play) She's special. I don't know what kind of special but definitely special.
With my SS, we've been more
With my SS, we've been more strict with structure, bedtimes, etc. We *try* to get SS to stick to a routine but the problem is when he is out of the house (at his Dad's and at school). It's like we have to reprogram him every time he comes in through the door.
But not knowing your SS(7) I would agree with you 100% on the fact that he is doing what he is doing because he is getting what he wants. My SS (whos is 13) is the King of "Learned Helplessness". Seriously, if DW tells him to sweep the floor, he'll poke his eye with the broom stick handle and start crying (I actually made a blog post about that). DW used to run to him and coddle him whenever the waterworks start. She's stopped doing it now (thank God!) but only because she is working full time now and can't put up with it anymore.
He has an irrational fear of
He has an irrational fear of getting hurt (because he has been told he will by BM and therefore she doesn't have to leave the TV to supervise his activities). I have raised my birth-sons with the attitude of "put some spit on it!" LOL If it's serious we treat it serious, if it's a scraped knee, slap a band-aid on it and move on is my motto. And he is super emotional (He should get an award for being able to cry in a second and it's not real crying. It's to get his way.)
I know what you are talking about with the reprogramming though. My oldest has ADHD so I always had a schedule. My ex-husband not so much. It was starting from scratch every Sunday night when he came home. My son is almost 21 years old now though and he knows and will tell anyone who asks that I was his rock. Takes a lot of patience but it pays off in the end.
Schedules are huge. My DH has
Schedules are huge. My DH has severe ADHD and even though a lot of stuff with his family is off the cuff, if we are going to have a outing MIL and I (we typically go do stuff for SS with MIL as she has BIL9) will somewhat plan...and especially like with Thanksgiving coming up and SS going to be out for school there has to be some type of partial structure going on. This is something that I think will never change as even though he won't make it himself it helps prevent unnecessary frustrations from his ADHD.