Read the book Stepmonster. It's a fascinating look at step family dynamics.

Historically,stepdads are not villified the way stepmoms are, and step dads tend to be much more accepted by their step kids. I think part of that is because most men with kids quickly remarry only so they can have another woman take care of the parenting and housekeeping/child rearing tasks; and that is a recipe for disaster.

Most men who marry a woman with kids are expecting to take a more laid back and supportive role, and that tends to fit with what the women are expecting as well, so it is an easier transition. No woman ever married a guy and said "I have a hubby now, he can deal with all this kid bullshit". But men? Seems to be priority #1.

I don't have kids or a BD. So really I should dip on DH & meet me a man who was smart enough to keep it in his pants! Ugh.

I dated a man previous to my current relationship...he had two grown children in their early 20s who I got on with really well, but the man himself was VERY cold to my bs who was 11 at the time. According to him the problem was that in his previous relationship he put a lot of effort in with his skids and felt guilty he'd not put the same effort in with his own birth kids. He mentioned a few times that he would never do that again. I wasn't exactly expecting him to take over a parenting role with my son so this didn't bother me at first, it was only when I started to notice this man never put any effort in at ALL with my kid that it started to really bug me.

So basically I ended up in a situation where he was trying to make things up with his own kids and I could see my child was going to be treated unfairly and even unkindly.

We only dated 3-4 of months when I called it off, mostly for this reason. I suppose if I'd not had a child of my own it's possible I wouldn't have noticed this side of things, and I think it was indicative of a deeper rooted issue. I think it was lucky in a way, that relationship may have lasted longer if I'd not had a child and I don't think it would have gone well in the long term. This man was very stingy with his time, his finances etc and expected me to fit into his life rather than taking mine into account. These issues were subtle and I may have missed them if it weren't for the blatant disregard for my child.

I reckon I dodged a bullet and can thank having a child of my own for that.

Considering the difference in dynamics between stepdads and their skids from that of stepmoms I think it's a real warning sign if you're dating someone who refuses to show even basic interest in your kids. It's not like I was expecting this dude to take over any sort of parenting responsibilities, just a simple "Hey how are you" to my son or some basic conversation would have been nice ffs. It was kinda fun dumping him to be honest, he's well off and I think be considered himself a prize catch until I told him to bugger off and why.

I think men assume when they get into a relationship with a woman with kids, that they will be the provider and disciplinarian. It's probably why some men don't want to date a woman with kids, because they assume they will be expected to fulfill that role and don't want to.

However, for the men that do date a woman with kids, it seems they are willing to take on that role, and then are confused when the mother says, no, don't discipline my little Johnny. What? I thought that's what I was supposed to do - step in and be a father to this child.

And the problem in most step families is the bio-parent, regardless of gender does not make their kids mind. Read on this forum, and you'll see the problem isn't dating a woman/man with kids, the problem is dating a woman/man with kids who DOES NOT MAKE THEIR KIDS BEHAVE.

I have two daughters, and we currently live with my SO. He does not have a problem with my kids, or vise versa, because I make my kids mind and I make my kids respect him.

I don't have any biokids, but I wanted to chime in because my best friend is a single mother of 3 boys (all under 8!) & she has no problems finding men. The last guy she dated had no kids, and the guy she is currently dating has 1.

However, I do hear a lot of guys make comments that they don't want to date a woman with kids. I think it's for the same reasons women don't want to date men with kids. Baggage.

>If we don't want to be with a guy who has kids and a bm, what about guys who wouldn't want to be with us because we have kids and a bd? (Not that women need men) <

Good question. I am not sure it is one that crosses genders but speaking for myself and some guys I know who have dated (or are still dating) women with children from previous relationships, the feeling is that the older we get, the less stringent we are with who we are willing to date/seek a relationship with. Just for fun, look at any on-line dating site and look up single guys in their early 20's. Look at some of the restrictions they have:

Must be within a certain age group
Must be a non-smoker
Must be physically active
Must have a job
Must have a car
Must have no kids
Must be of (insert ethnic/cultural background here)
Must be certain height
Must not have cats/dogs
Must be of certain religion
Must be currently living within 10 miles of (insert city here)

Now look at the age group of single men in their 30, 40's and 50's. Suddenly a lot of the restrictions listed above are not there. It's not that these restrictions don't matter but we don't want to be shutting the door because we realize that past a certain age, the likelyhood of meeting a worthwhile mate who has not have a previous relationship and has had no children, becomes slim. So we take a chance, thinking that we can take on the role as both mate and step-parent.

However, I do not know ANY guy who knew they hated the role pf step-parenting before actually trying to fulfil this challenging role.

I went into this with a nice enough skid. I didn't relish the skid and bm, but I'm older and at my age finding a single, no kid, nice guy is slim.

The issue is and will always be the sheer crazy that comes from BM. It never occurred to me that anyone could be that selfish and ridiculous.