Resume Hell Now...
After about 2.5 years SS is back. Last time we saw him he told his mother that if he knew we wouldnt call the cops he would beat her within an inch of her life(of course I called the cops 
). Hurray. This of course in front of my (our) 4 and 6 year olds. Now he is back (for what appears to be weekly visits) at 22 and has 'matured'. Having to take care of his 1 month old and 2 year old and GF have "opened his eyes". Seems good enough, good for him, he should have a relationship with his mother... guess what? I don't care. I wish him the best... but I dont want anything to do with him.
In our true confessions reunion meeting we determined "we all made mistakes". That is, within that time frame of him being 13-20 years old. Now he's back with grand babies for mom. After 7 years of hell, he is all better now and ready to be a family. Family I want nothing to do with. When we could have been bonding as a real family he was incorrigble. Now he is back with his own little family disaster in the making. Not knowing or having his own father was really difficult, blah blah blah. He is ready to put it behind him now after all those hard times... the staying out to all hours, the prison style tatoo's (on the neck of course), the dope smoking, the drinking, the f$&#ing, the parties, the stealing, the jail visits and all. All the suffering. Its funny, in those 7 years he did every little damn thing he wanted to do. Nobody could force him to do anyting, but somehow that was our collective fault. Yes, 7 long year's. Guess who was really suffering? I really dont give a @#^$ how good he think's he is or may in fact be. I really really REALLY dont care.
The problem. He is on his 4th visit, I have decided the best thing to do is be gone, so I am. But guess what? My kids 'love' the idea of a big brother (HALF BROTHER who they dont truly know!!!). And mother thinks the realationship is good. He is going to take them to the park to fly kites, oh joy. Can you imagine, with what I feel is palpable hatred (with 7 years of hell and all), the feeling one has, that this person is having a good old time with my kids? What more can I say? Time to fly? Or just go back to that emotional hell forever. You know the one I am talking about. The trauma. I am most amused with the idea that it was hard for him to. Total BS, it was a big party. Time to fly?
Then I get to put my own kids through hell.
How wonderful is the blended family. Can you believe there are people that actually champion this S$%T!? The pluralistic family. BS.
I also agree with
I also agree with beaccountable. In my situation I have told my DH that he can have a relationship with his daughter but outside of our home and away from our bio daughters till she has proven that she has changed. However my DH wants nothing to do with her right now which helps.
Take care of you and YOUR family first. that is what I am learning. I am sorry you feel this pain, I know the pain, its not fun.
OH Boy! you SS sounds like my
OH Boy! you SS sounds like my SD...they are very similar. Your situation is very similar only SD19 even though she is pregnant with her loser boyfriend, has not tried to come back yet. I may have forgiven her to help me move on BUT I still would not want her in my life at this point. We had 4 years of hell, you had 7. So much I can relate to here. I will not let her in my bio daughters lives at all at this point. So my advice, he needs to show for a longer period of time that he has changed before you should be ok with him being with your bios.
I am just shocked at how similar our stories are. Anyways hang in there.
WOW. I just read your post
WOW. I just read your post "Will this ever go away" and had a flashback. The fear and dread you describe is a feeling I have experienced seemingly a hundred times. I suppose this is the 'trauma' many on this forum are familiar with. I must say it is really nice to read other peoples exeriences and know that its not just me.
I am just remembering the weeks and months (years?) I had to wait up for this kid to come home 1-3 in the morning because there is no way I could go to bed until I knew he was in his room and going to bed (out of trouble). I could not go to bed knowing he would be in late not knowing his state or if strangers would be in my house. Night after night after night. Yeah, this was when he was 17 and both he and I were counting the days until he was 18..sure enough on that day he walked out and was gone for a good year or so. That was peace.
Good to luck to you as well.
Oh I had many nights like you
Oh I had many nights like you describe too. I also had nights driving around looking for her and one where I saw her get arrested and she was fighting with the cop who happened to be a family friend (physically fighting him). Oh my lord..dark days indeed. She was running away all the time thinking she didn't have to be home. When she was 17 she would stay for weeks at friends houses and that was when I got physically sick with a tick borne disease and I had massive anxiety and panic from all the trauma I was going through emotionally, she knew I couldn't drive so she would be gone. At that point though, I was not trying real hard to find her, her dad was away for work and I was alone with my little girls and I just wanted the peace. If she came home it would be hell. Ugh I could go on and on, feel free to read my posts from the past too, I have them all bookmarked. Its unreal. I hope I don't see her for a long time. She was once the sweetest kid ever, we were so close until she met with drugs and a boyfriend who gave them to her. I fear him also. He has threatened me in the past and has a long criminal record already at the ripe age of 21. So happy she is an adult and I don't have to live with her day in and day out anymore.
You take care!
Now ditzyblnd has got me
Now ditzyblnd has got me thinking too. My SD19 has not changed yet but if she did and she showed us the change I know I would end up forgiving and letting go fully but I need to see the change first. I have taken her back so many times and forgiven her and let her around my kids only to turn on us again. I think if I didn't have my own bios it would be easier for me too. I have seen my kids hurt over her and ask me questions out of the blue which indicate to me that they are suffering from what she has done. My Mommy mode kicks in and I feel the need to protect them. I get what your saying though and yes if she did change and I got to see the change for more then a week or two, I would fully forgive her.
Not sure if I can forgive her boyfriend though, after he threatened to cut her BM's husbands throat and tried to run him over with a car...her boyfriend scares me and I definitely don't want my kids around him.
I liked your post, somehow
I liked your post, somehow it's making me feel small. But it still seems more complicated than that. I know if I didn't have my own kids and they were not part of this equation I probably wouldnt have a problem with this kid. But thats not the way it is. I DO wish him well.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to reconcile
Wow...if it were me I wouldn't trust him. Especially alone with my younger kids. What kind of therapy has he had? I would have to observe over time his behavior especially when he feels angry.
Maybe hang as a group, limit the younger kids' time with him, never alone with him, and keep visits short n pleasant.
Just because he has his own family doesn't mean he is in control of his anger/impulses.
Nothin wrong with boundaries...protect your young ones til you are confident that you can trust him
I hope the best for you...