Has anyone had a positive outcome where the husband has favored the stepdaughter?
Here's the backdrop. We've been married for over two years. Very quickly, I noticed that my husband treated his teenage daughter differently that his sons (we have full custody of the children). It really is a double standard. The boys are not allowed to get away with nearly what she does. If they talk back or speak rudely or disrespectfully, they get a consequence. If she does any of that, my husband just lets her do it without saying anything or any recourse. It's setting her up to be a beast to live with, she already is for that matter. It's like there's a storm and dark cloud brewing when she is the room with us, most of the time. I do not deserve to be disrespected and on my own I am not one to put up with it. If it were just me (or say me and my own child and I don't have any), I would never allow a child to be so rude to me and get away with it. If I do say something now, my husband doesn't like it and thinks I should just let her do it because he says sometimes it's not worth the argument it will create. There wouldn't be an argument, if he had kept her accountable in the first place. I don't know what to do because I have tried to tell me husband he is treating her differently and give specific examples and he has excused for letting her be that way. Things like he's afraid that it will push her into a dark place, if he disciplines her or push her away, or he hates dealing with it because he feels like he's going into a cage with a ferocious animal. I am so frustrated and fed up. Any help, advice or encouragement from someone who's been there and it's gotten better??
Yes, he is afraid, but he
Yes, he is afraid, but he says he's not. He says it's because she's hurting that he won't do anything. I understand that children are hurt from a divorce and remarriage, but after being divorced for 7 and remarried for two, that can no longer be an excuse.
I guess I will see how much he values our marriage. Today we had it out and I told him that this situation, with her, made me want to leave. And then, he they could all have their lives back. He said he didn't want that and that he loves me. At first, he told me to call a counselor that we had been seeing, but I told him to do it, if he cared so much. He did. We've seen her before and nothing has changed. All of these things were brought up and he was so stubborn to say that he didn't favor her and that he allowed her to do what she did because she was hurting. I'm not convinced that it will help this time, but I will go. I told him that he needs to talk to a man and get a male perspective, I think that's partly why the counselor has not been effective. He's not chauvinist; I think he doesn't want to hear things from women, sometimes though. I think he did call our pastor, after I told him that today.
My husbands daughter went so
My husbands daughter went so far as to get pregnant to get daddy to leave me. When the baby was born she told him if he wanted to see it he'd have to leave me. 2 weeks later when he hadn't seen, it despite he and she having almost daily phone calls she involved my FIL, ge rang dh and it was on. FIL told her just to come here, ignore me. She did, dh thought that was all good, I'd just suck it up along with the previous 8 years of het abuse. I didn't, I banned her from my life and home forever, told dh to go with her. That is when he realised I was serious, I was done with the two of them. Well, 3 FIL as well.
Dh has not seen her for two years this month, nor has he seen her child. He is however on antidepressants and in counselling. He created this self centred monster, then he could not control her. His fear of her wrath led him to do nothing about her behaviour. In the end I had to for my own sanity. I don't regret it one bit. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself.
This never ends well. Never.
But for me I am so much healthier and happier without her hatred in my life.
She wants to go live with her
She wants to go live with her mom. I know my husband doesn't want that because her mom is a bad influence. I told him, for the first time, today, that I wish she would go live with her mom because then I could live at ease, in my own home. I know that was not nice, but it is the truth.
I've tried to be nice to her and do things with her, but she shuts everyone out. She is so hateful.
Wow! That sounds a lot how
Wow! That sounds a lot how my husbands daughter could end up being. He created the monster she is becoming too. I don't know how drastic things will have to get before he sees things for the way they are, but it seems like it will have to nearly come down to me leaving because we've tried counseling and that hasn't helped. I don't want a divorce; I really believe that a marriage is meant to be forever, unless it's just impossible, not because people don't try hard enough. Sometimes, I do think of how nice it would be to have my own life back again, though because this is so hard.
They will do what they will
They will do what they will do. They are who they are. This applies to dh and daughter. You cannot change them. You can only change yourself. How you handle this, what you will or will not tolerate in your own home. The answer lies within yourself. Until you stand up for yourself and lay down your own set of rules, this will never end. Will dh leave you if you do. Maybe, but if he leaves you because you refused to be disrespected by his daughter, he didn't love you anyway so you have lost nothing. We put up with this and while we do it continues. We don't want to fight with our husbands, we don't want the marriage to end, we love them, blah, blah, blah. We blame the step kids for their appalling behaviour. It's so much easier to put it all on them. But the real problem is the father who allows it. We to play a role. We accept it. Sure we whinge about it, but we stay. Our words say I don't like this, our actions say, it's okay, I'll stay anyway.
You and your dh need to talk, set boundaries for her you can both live with, have a standard of behaviour you both reasonably expect from her. If he cannot do that, then you need to decide what's you want to do, stay, shut up and put up with it, or leave. My experience has been as long as their is no consequence on you husband nothing will change. If he stands to lose his wife, he may just pull his socks up. But you have to look to yourself here for the answers. What do you really want, can your husband be that person.
I did have a friend suggest I
I did have a friend suggest I come with an expectation, so as to protect myself. Something such as, "we have to resolve this and come to an agreement on it or I may have to move out, if you are not willing" Something to that effect, it doesn't have to be moving out or a threat, something to make sure it's not forgotten and pushed aside and continues the cycle. I don't know what that will be yet, but I am going to think of something.
No matter what, he's not perfect, but he is a good man. He is lacking in this very important area, though, and it is affecting our relationship and marriage. That is not good at all. That's why I'm on here; for support and encouragement. I'm not here to whine.