Explaining disengaging to DH

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Last night DH made a comment about how I never do things with SD anymore. SD is 5, DH and I have been together 4 years, living together 3 years, and married 1 1/2. We have SD 50/50 every other week.

I used to be very involved with her. I would always take her with me when I went places (whether it be somewhere fun like the nail salon or just an errand like the grocery store). I would take her shopping and plan things for us all to do together (I was always buying tickets for something like the circus, a show, etc.).

Despite all the things I did for SD, I never once heard her say thank you (until DH made her say it). I got no appreciation from her. It became expected that I do things for her. I understand she is only 5 but I am not going to keep doing things for someone who acts like an unappreciative, entitled brat.

I know DH did appreciate when I did those things so I feel kind of bad but screw that. I have absolutely no obligation or responsibility to do those types of things for SD. She has a mother, and it is not me.

So a while back, I disengaged. I no longer take her places with me, no longer do things with her, and I am rarely even home when she is here. I go out with friends, visit my mom, go to the gym, whatever. And guess what? I have been SOOOOO MUCH LESS STRESSED SINCE I DID THAT!! I no longer care what she eats, what she wears, or any of that other "parent stuff!"

Any advice on how to explain to DH why I no longer do things with SD? The truthful reason is because I can't stand her and I don't want to be around her but I am not going to say that to DH.

As a mom of a 5 year old I

As a mom of a 5 year old I can tell you that they all at times can act like small entitled brats. I think the age here is really important to remember. Sure, 5 is old enough for basic manners and pleases and thankyou's but that needs to be taught to her by the adults in her life including SM's. Please don't take this the wrong way but I think you may be being a bit harsh to a 5 year old. Take time for yourself and do all of those things that make you feel good and stressfree but try to remember that at 5 this little person is still learning from the people around her. Maybe BM and your DH never expected her to learn to say thank you but if you plan on being around from the long hall at 5 they are sponges and handled properly and with support from your DH you can have a shot at the happy relationship you once had.

I was going to type out a

I was going to type out a long reply....But Happy actually said exactly what I would have said.

Thanks you Willow and Happy.

Thanks you Willow and Happy. I will definitely consider what you said. DH and I used to fight ALL the time about SD and now that I have disengaged, I am just so much happier and less stressed and DH and I have not fought in MONTHS (it used to be daily). So it's hard, but I will definitely think about it.

I totally agree with most

I totally agree with most people disengaging...but this is a 5 year old who is with you 50 percent of the time. Just curious...what did you and DH fight about?

I was/am ,VERY disengaged. I am like a friendly Aunt to my SS.

My DH doesn't parent SD. I

My DH doesn't parent SD. I know he loves her but he is more of a friend than a parent. I don't know if he feels guilty that he is not with her all the time or if he doesn't want her to not like him/not want to come over or what, but whatever the reason, he does not parent the kid. She has NEVER been disciplined EVER. She has absolutely no respect for him and rightfully so because he has done nothing to earn it.

So that is what we used to fight about. DH is the type who will just let SD do what she wants and have what she wants because it's easier than actually parenting her.

Just to clarify, I had been

Just to clarify, I had been taking on a lot of parenting duties since DH refused to do so. I was becoming very resentful and hateful and was seriously considering divorce. I filled out the papers and everything. Disengaging was my last shot.

That's true, DH would be

That's true, DH would be doing it by himself if I weren't here. DH and BM were never married (SD was an oopsie) so the only person SD has ever seen DH with is me.

Your follow up to Willow and

Your follow up to Willow and Happy indicates something else was wrong that wasn't necessarily included in the actual Post. There it only described you had been involved and did a lot with SD but she was unappreciative and entitled so you stopped. In response though you said you and DH used to fight a lot about her, daily. Can you expand on that because I'm not sure what the fighting was about when everything was okay or did it start after you disengaged?

Not knowing, I'll say this: You've been in longer -since she was very young and you guys have had her 50/50 which is a lot of time over EOW so you actually have some ability to influence who she is & becomes. Heck some of us came in later with older skids when the damage from BM and DH was done. Then sometimes DH's don't want any actual Parental involvement -no rights to guide, teach or discipline the brats- as if we're play toys and babysitters only for their brats -now that's a battle. Lol

Maybe all that taking her places is in part what set her into this path of expecting it. (You went all in vs staying at arms distance from start which decreases the impact if you were to totally disengage as you have now). But back to the positive: What I'm saying is your timing and involvement level gives you more influence to teach her these life necessities of appreciation, manners, gratitude. As she gets older, be clear with her that you are not required to do anything with her or for and whatever you do, she needs to appreciate if she wants it to continue.

I understand this is not your primary role and you shouldn't have to. DH should be doing this and making sure BM does as well but if they are falling slack, you can point it out and disengage if he does not change the situation. Now that you have disengaged, maybe he see how important it is that he steps up and takes this out of your hands. Prime time to tell him what you require if he wants you involved. If he does his part and she starts showing improvement, maybe you can gradually start doing *some* stuff with her but not everything you were before.

Thanks for the reply! DH and

Thanks for the reply! DH and I fighting started when we moved in together 3 years ago. I was not really aware until we lived together that he did not parent his kid and had no intentions of doing so. She pretty much runs the show and he allows it because it's easier than parenting her. I took on a lot of parenting duties that he should have done but did not do.

When we moved in together, DH had been co-sleeping with SD and I was the one who had to break that habit ALL BY MYSELF because DH refused to get involved. DH sends SD to bed every night with chocolate milk and a bag of potato chips because it's easier than cutting up an apple. Every single time he goes to the store, she has to get something because what little princess wants, she gets. She interrupts us when we're talking. She squeezes in between us when we are sitting together. She has NO manners. She doesn't wash her hands after she uses the bathroom.

All these things, I was the one who tried to teach her but without the support of her ACTUAL PARENT, my attempts were pretty much useless. I began to hate her and to also hate him. That is when I decided I must disangage. Ever since I did, we have had no fights. DH still does not parent his kid, but I no longer care.

I am new to this site and the

I am new to this site and the whole co-parent thing but if your husband does not allow you or support you in discipline then you must disengage. You are screwed if you don't and are in a can't win situation. I have done that. It is working....slowly...and I have to bite my tongue a lot. At 5 she is pliable enough but it sounds like you will be raising two children ( your husband and SD).

Thank you. I tried for so

Thank you. I tried for so long to raise her and teach her things so that she will become a decent human being, but my DH undermined me every time. Example- we were all in the mall one day and we realized SD had stolen something. I tried to make SD take the stolen item back to the store and apologize (I wanted to teach her a lesson). DH said she did not have to do that, and not only that but he let her keep the stolen item!

ANOTHER example- SD is a very picky eater (thanks to DH, no doubt). I would always try to encourage her to try new foods (nothing crazy, just the normal things we had for dinner). We had breakfast for dinner one night and I put fried potatoes (the new food for SD) on SD's plate. DH did not even give her the OPPORTUNITY to try them. He snuck them off her plate while I was in the other room. When I realized what he had done (I knew she didn't eat the potatoes that fast), he said he took them off her plate because he "knew she wasn't going to eat them."

I hope people can understand now why I had to disengage! I was just sick of dealing with the daily BS!

I have been in a similar

I have been in a similar situation like yours but with two kids. Basically once we moved in together, I realized that the kids would get up at 6-7 am and start running around like animals around the house, breaking everything, messing up everything. Climbing up a very shaky pantry that could easily fall on them just to grab cookies, and my husband would not get up. He would not wake up and help his children, I had to. His kids would be playing ball in the house (the boy was 5 at the time) and he would throw it at a bookshelf where we had a fish tank. That fish is permanently traumatized now because his dad would not tell him one thing, I had to. When husband would finally get up, he would go smoke a cigarrette, take a shower, fix his hair and spend at least another 2 hours in the bedroom (by this time, I was already feeding them lunch). So you know what I did? I got a job that explicitly required me to work weekends >:)
The first weekend I was gone, I came back on Saturday at 8pm and guess what I discovered.... he hadn't fed them since noon!!! they both jumped on me and cried for food... I asked him "when did you feed them last?" he goes, "uhmm I don't know around 1pm" WTF??? So I told his mom. And from then on I totally disappeared from the picture when his kids are here. Now, he gets up at 10am (better than 2pm), makes breakfast, lunch and dinner. We take turns giving them showers/baths...
That's just one thing that helped. So I say, tell him "they're your kids not mine. When they're here they're supposed to be spending time WITH YOU. Not me. The court won't care to know how many times I've taken them to SeaWorld or not... they only care what you've done. So then, therefore, take responsibility. If you can't manage that, then you shouldn't be taking the kid at all. Give her back to her mom and let her handle it until you can be a DAD"

Exactly!! The skids are there

Exactly!! The skids are there to spend time with their PARENT. Not with their stepmother.

He didn't really ask I

He didn't really ask I guess.. but he just made a comment that I haven't been doing things with SD lately.

My DH has the cheek to demand

My DH has the cheek to demand I help out and look after SD 13! I am slowly disengaging and he is fighting me on it. But we have come to physical blows over that child due to her setting us off against each other. If he won't be an adult and parent her then I will be an adult and take control of my behaviour. Some improvement in our marriage but I almost get the impression he wanted me to point out her behaviour then he could say I was picking on her and he doesn't have to step up and be a father. No longer the scape goat. Good for you for standing up for yourself and protecting your marriage.

That's how I feel too. I

That's how I feel too. I don't know if it's because I'm a woman and SD is a little girl or what. But it seemed like DH wanted me to parent her, but then again only when it's convenient for him. He wanted me to take her out and do fun things but if she acted up or didn't listen, I was not allowed to discipine her. Well sorry DH, you can't have it both ways. I'm either a parent or I'm not. He has made it pretty clear I am not.

Yes. Christinen I am in your

Yes. Christinen I am in your shoes as well. My spouse wants it both ways. Wants me to love the little girl like she is my own, adore her, worship her, make her the center of my world, think she is cute in everything she does, baby her like she is 4 ( she is 10 almost) and basically kiss her little ass. God forbid I ask her to pick up after herself, flush the toilet, get her damn thumb out of her mouth, tell her not to be a pest....I am a BULLY if I do that! Meanwhile I am expected to smile when she steals every moment of alone time we try and have together!!!

That's exactly how my DH is.

That's exactly how my DH is. Wants me to treat SD like my own... but not really.. because I would not raise my kid to be a spoiled brat. Anytime I ever correct her, tell her to pick up after herself, flush the toilet, dry off before she comes in from the pool soaking wet and dripping water all over the house, ANYTHING, I am the bully and I'm "picking on her" or "being mean." So ya know what.. I am just done with it. It works out better for all of us if I just don't care. Now I still will tell her not to drip water all over my house, etc. But I will no longer do anything extra. I don't care what she wears, don't care what she eats, don't care what time she goes to sleep (she still has to go to her bedroom but I don't care what she does up there). To be honest, I'm the happiest I've been in a LONG time!