My husbands exwife attends family functions

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Hello everyone....this is my first post so go easy on me.....i dont know where else to turn....i am married to a wonderful man and his family is wonderful as well.....we have both been married before and moved back to his hometown.....we have managed to blend our families very well.....but one issue has us confused....hurt....and feeling disrespected....perhaps someone can help......to put it simply my husbands exwife attends almost every family function......when i first became part of the family and we both moved to his hometown.....we had no idea how frequently she attended things...ya see my hubby was living in another state and would come home almost monthly to visit his children....but truthfuly had no idea she would be at EVERY family event.....and once we moved here and i joined the clan...it seemed to hamper my ability to find my place in the family brood....i was curteous....polite and didnt do or say anything to upset the applecart....after a year of us both seeing how frequently she was around we approached the family asking them to limit the things she attends....this caused a major uproar....they are pretty old fashioned and do not like change....but it seemed to work.....then recently one of our daughters got married....and the ex was overheard stating "oh thats his new family they dont matter"....well his new family included me and my biological daughter....i was upset at being disrespected in that way.....we informed my inlaws but told them this was for their ears no one elses.....not wanting to bad mouth her per sae but to inform them.....and what hapens today at my mother-in-laws b-day party?....she is there...and it took all i had in me not to confront her about what was said by her....ya see we also asked her and her new husband to not attend these sort of things and we told they understood...yet here they are....evidently we hold no notion of respect in our family....and its obvious they prefer her being there over honoring the request of their son.....

Do i confront the ex?
Do we sit down and refresh his parents in what we asked last year?
Do we wait and see if this was a fluke?

Thanks

I think this is something

I think this is something that your husband should do, since it's HIS ex, and not your's.

One thought to solve the problem--have the family functions at YOUR house and don't invite her. If she shows, answer the door and advise her she's not welcomed.

But you do have to keep in mind, she's the mother of your husband's children, and if they want her to be at these functions, there's nothing you can do about it.

Oh, and welcome to the board! I just discovered this site a few days ago and it has helped me quite a bit!!

~*~Cheer up! It could be worse.
I cheered up, & it got worse!~*~

I’m in a relationship for a

I’m in a relationship for a year now and have the same problem. My boyfriend and I will end up getting married in 2 years. I’ve never been married but have 2 boys that are grown – on holidays, I never went over to my ex’s house because I didn’t want to (even though we all got along well.) It seemed to me it would confuse the boys in thinking “Oh, maybe mom does want to get back with dad). My new wonderful guy has 2 kids – one grown and the other 14.

His exwife is a huge part of his family and he told me this from the get go. A year later, I’m seeing what he meant. She goes to all barbecues, his familys b-day parties, cousins weddings, everything. At first he told his family he wasn’t comfortable, but they still invited her (she’ll go even without the kids). So, fast forward 3 years, my bf won’t attend anything with his family because he doesn’t want to see her. His mothers b-day was last week and he didn’t even call her because he knew his ex was with her all day. I’ve only met his parents once and they were nice people.
For Thanksgiving and X-mas, my BFs family told him every other holiday he can attend with out his ex being there. For the holidays she is there, they will have a smaller gathering the next day for my BF.

I told my bf I didn’t think it was fair that because she’s always there, I don’t really get to spend any time with them to get to know them and visa versa. He said, she’s like a saint to his family and they would never see me like they see her.

I’m a caring, compassionate person and don’t have a mean bone in my body. I always have a smile on my face and love this man (and his kids) to pieces. This situation is weird to me. I get and accept she will be in their life because of the 14 year old…but to go to these events with out the kid(s)? My bf told me if the ex and I met, she would give me the cold shoulder and he never wants us to meet because she would blow up at him. She still doesn’t know about me.

His ex even had a boyfriend for a year and it ended because of the time she spends with her ex inlaws. She had to move out of his house a few weeks ago…now she’s renting my boyfriends grandmothers house.

Is this normal?

I’m in a relationship for a

Is this normal?

I agree, let your husband

I agree, let your husband handle it. Decide with him what is acceptable and let him drop the bomb, not you or you will be accused of speaking for him, etc. I know, I've gotten that petty remark myself.

If you read around on here, you will find a lot of women have BMs that still try to maintain their "place" in the ex-family. Oh, I can see cordial relations, and if it's a graduation or wedding, then of course she should be there. But EVERY event, like the divorce never happened? I don't get it. Why don't they have a life? I never went to a single one of my Ex's family do, although my daughter did, from age 3 up.

My in-laws are like that too. They all live in the same town with BM. We moved away and I am so relieved that I don't have to deal with them or her but once a year or so. In-law issues are what brought me here. I have 3 SILS who sided with BM, try to control DH (he won't let them), and don't like me because I didn't let them run the show.

I totally agree with

I totally agree with StepAside. This is your husband's family and his xw. He needs to handle this and I would have no problem telling him that each time he is a doormat for xw and his family, you lose respect for him as a man.

^^^^ agreed

Well put, step aside. I

Well put, step aside. I don't subscribe to the "appease the BM, so the boat isn't rocked" mentality either. My BM is the same as above. She knows life has moved on, she knows she's no longer part of the family, she just wants control to feel important. It's really quite pathetic. I don't see any reason to sit down and understand her needs.

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton

I think the ex-wife can go

I think the ex-wife can go anywhere she's been invited and I think you should go out of your way to be as friendly as possible.

As for her disrespect I think your husband should approach his ex and explain that her remark was over-heard and cause some hurt feelings. He can indicate in a polite manner that it was uncalled for.

Hopefully that will end it. If it doesn't then he should ask his parents to not invite her as she is deliberately causing strife. After all the only thing she has to do is shut her mouth. If they refuse then he should tell his parents that you will be unable to attend any function where you are going to be insulted and of course he will be unable to attend also.

Just a Mom, most of us are

Just a Mom, most of us are Bms and Sms as well. Your situation shows a BM with class. Most of us have crazy trashy BM's and can't relate to ever wanting them around. My ex and I get along great, my husbands ex does everything she can to ruin our lives, so no, once the name calling starts, I think Spuzy is smart to distance herself.

I want to argue with you, Stevie. I did not marry his ex. The kids are 13 and 11, not one and three. Why should I have to be around her for my marriage to last? Uugh, you're making my stomache hurt just talking like that. They were divorced for 9 years before we met, she is not anyone I would ever be friends with, he knew that prior to marriage, we are having our own baby....why should she be included in our life at all? My child will have Mom and Dad together and in the same house...why should baby ever have to think of her, divorce, other than 2 weddings and graduations?

Ex means ex, not current, not future. It's the past, why not leave it there?

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton

Sorry, but I see it different

Sorry, but I see it different than the OP. For instance, my uncle was married to a woman, had two kids with him, who are now grown. He's had other wives since then, but I invite this woman to family parties, etc. My whole family does this. He may be invited, and he may bring his (current) wife, but to the majority of the family, the first wife is still family. Too bad if wife number whatever doesn't like it.

been there done that ...

let your husband deal with his EX no one else he needs to tell her to stay the hell away don't ask tell her shes not welcome and if she does come he will escort her out .... and if his family has a problem with that then you both should consider moving away again FAST

My SO BM2 hangs around his

My SO BM2 hangs around his family like a bad smell. They were never married, and BM2 didn't socialise with her inlaws until I came on the scene 4.5 years ago. I just don't understand why these women want to hold onto the past so desperately. I have an ex, who is father of one my children, I would rather chop my right leg off with a blunt axe than socialise with him or his family.

My DB and I also have this

My DB and I also have this problem... the issue is this woman has sunk him into a hole of debt and anger. IMHO if you are still great friends and get along great with Ex and want them at family functions... why would you have gone so far as to put your children through a divorce? I guess this is a bold statement and there must be something that I am not understanding! I would honestly like to know though what makes a marriage end if you still get along great with your ex.

That is far from my situation BM has withheld children, CPS has been involved, and she is not willing to let him have joint custody even though that access has continued throughout the court battle they have been fighting for 2 years now. So when ex is invited to everything we simply are not there. We have our own functions and until they come to terms with the fact that the EX is a EX it will stay that way. My situation is different though DB is very hurt that a woman could do physically horrible things to his children and withhold them and yet his family would rather invited her to things...

I suppose it really depends on your specific situation. I also don't mean to be rude by this post I am just curious about ex's that are friends it has just never worked for me in the past.

In my situation: he’s an

In my situation: he’s an alcoholic and fell off the wagon one too many times. When he’s sober he’s a great guy, but when he’s drunk he’s gone for days, gambles away entire pay checks and is an asshole.
I couldn’t deal with the possibility of his falling off the wagon one more time and decided that my child shouldn’t be subjected to that either.

I haven’t read the responses,

I haven’t read the responses, I’m going from my thoughts and personal experiences as I was reading your post
I’m a BM and a Step-Mom I have an ex and his whole family lives close to me
I have always gotten along with them
My ex remarried a woman with a teenage son
They’ve (his family) had family functions like graduation parties, house warming parties and such that they invited me, my DD and my husband (I remarried before my ex did)
We (me DD and my DH) were at his son’s house warming party when he and his wife were on vacation in the mountains
His sister invited us to her son’s graduation party, my ex had to work his wife and her son were there and all was good
They know that just because there were issues between me and their family member that I couldn’t live with, that doesn’t make me a bad person and I got along well with his new wife. She was the step-mom to my daughter and she treated her with all the love and care that I could hope for.

If the BM made a rude comment, it might be because she’s hurt (or the children are hurt, which hurts her) that her ex-husband is spending every day with your kids and only once a month or so with her kids. I have to be honest, if my ex only saw my DD that infrequently in the same circumstance, I’d kinda feel the same way. Now that you live close to his kids, I would hope that he sees them more often.
If they’re not monsters, and you’re able to show them love and kindness their BM will see that
If you put aside the feeling of being threatened (they like her more than me) and get to know his family better and get to know her better (is that a possibility? I couldn’t really get a vibe about the BM and how she is with you) then maybe there’s more of a possibility of getting along as an extended family

I know that not all situations are like that, not everybody is holding hand singing Kumbayah and telling eachother how wonderful they are and how much love they have, but maybe if you change how you’re looking at this situation (put the shoe on the other foot) you’ll have a chance of being more comfortable being around the mother of your husbands’ children

I struggle with this daily

I struggle with this daily dealing with my BM and I would really like your input. Do you feel that there is a time frame in which each family needs the simplicity and to find out their roles before mixing functions and before getting close with ex's/ex's SO's? I personally and endlessly frustrated that my skids, SO, and I have not been given the time to deal with this new situation (1.5 yrs). I know this can be seen as a long time but to me it seems new. I also feel that because BM has tried to push her self into our family we haven't had the time to figure out our family dynamic... neither have the kids involved! I guess what I am asking is do you think there is a time and a place for that situation or am I and my SO being unreasonable in asking for this. I personally think ex's shouldn't need to find excuses to be talking every 3-4 days or finding reasons for their children to drop of things to their parents when it is not their time. I find it confusing to not give a child a strong picture of mom and dad are not together for the first bit. I can see having special functions a few years down the road but it almost seems unfair to expect a child to watch their parents together straight out of separation when their are still wishing they would get back together... How long did it take you to get to that point and did you start doing events and occasions together right away? Do you think their is a line with keeping the families separate? What is it? My BM seems to think it is appropriate to let her daughter make things and drop them off at dads house oh BM's time. She also expects for DB to tell her and get her to come pick the kids up to drop them off at daycare if he needs me to.... this to me sends a mixed message. Where is the line here folks???

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My husbands exwife attends family functions