Tired of DH being Daddy #2
My stepdaughter is 4 years old and I've been in her life since she was 1. My husband and I care for her just as much as BM does. She stays with us several times a week and we spend good, quality time with her. We take her to doctors appointments, to and from school, tuck her into bed, bathe her, feed her. Her BM does as well. BM's boyfriend, on the other hand... works constantly and really only sees her for half a day on Saturday and Sunday, yet he is her only "daddy". DH (her bio father) is "Daddy Jason". Occasionally, BM will have to work on a day that her bf has off, so she'll say to me "Matt does have Friday off, so if you can't watch her, let me know and I'll make him do it". REALLY? Hes so much her "daddy", why am I expected to watch her when "daddy" will be home? Not that I don't love having her, but you know. I'm so tired of hearing her talk about her "mommy and daddy", especially when she says it to DH. It's not just a name. She sees her own father as a babysitter. I mean, she calls me "Mommy Kristin" because I'm a mommy to her, but not her "real mom", so why call her "real dad" "Daddy Jason"? It just feels like BM did this on purpose. She wants this perfect little family with her boyfriend. Either we're all equal parents, or we're not. And if we're not, you obviously can't title us based on biology, since "daddy" had no part in making her.
I cannot figure out why this is happening. Is it because BM'S bf is the one who lives with her mommy which makes it more of the "family" scene? Is it because when BM talks about her bf she says "daddy" and when she talks about DH she says "Daddy Jason?" Again - it's not just the name that's bothering me. My husband is the best daddy in the whole world, and deserves to be treated AT LEAST on equal level as the man she calls "daddy", who she spends a total of 8 - 10 hours with each week. Sometimes when "Daddy Jason" picks her up from the bus stop, she cries because she wants her "daddy". That must be horribly embarrassing, in fact I know it is because she sometimes does the same thing to me, wanting her mommy - except it actually makes sense when she says it to me.
I mean, if she wanted to call both daddies just "daddy", fine. And this isn't a case of neglect where one man picked up another man's slack. This is a case of the primary father being labeled and treated as second place.
What are your thoughts on this? Am I overreacting (if so, let me down easy and be nice)? Is it total bullshit? Should we talk to BM about it?
Well, I think it is wrong,
Well, I think it is wrong, and if BM insists on SD calling him daddy he should be the one being called "Daddy Joe" and your DH just Daddy.
At that age you can try and correct her, in a way that doesn't seem that you are trying to push out BM's boyfriend, but I don't think it will be easy.
Exactly, and it also won't be
Exactly, and it also won't be easy without BM's cooperation. She'd have to break her own habit of calling them what she calls them. The only reason I'm a little scared to talk to BM is because we all try very hard to not act like any of us are less of a parent than the other, so I feel kind of hypocritical saying that Jason is her "real dad". Then again, it's hypocritical of BM to refer to me by my first name instead of "mommy" or "mommy Kristin" when talking to SD, then call her own boyfriend "daddy". SD can call me whatever she wants, I just don't want BM having her cake and eating it too. Shared parenting takes compromise. What I want is for either BOTH step parents to be called by our names, or for all of us to be mommy and daddy. She wants her to grow up looking at all of us as equals, well - that's not exactly working out.
BM - "mommy"
BM's bf - "daddy"
Biological father - "daddy Jason"
Me - "Kristin"
^Something is wrong with that picture.^
Ya know, if SD wants to go the rest of her life calling me Kristin and calling BM's boyfriend daddy, that sucks (because I'm selfish and jealous), but I'll accept it. But I can't accept DH being called "daddy Jason".
I do not think you're
I do not think you're overreacting at all. DH should try talking calmly with BM first. If things don't change, it might be worth getting a court-ordered parenting plan (if you do not have one) that specifically states that only DH can be called Dad/Daddy and BM can be called Mom/Mommy.
It is screwed up. SD is too
It is screwed up. SD is too young to understand. I think it is even more screwed up that BM is not even married to this man. If I was your DH, I would have a talk with BM. It is also about being honest...it is cool to look at both of them as daddy. She is being mislead as to who is her bio-daddy. I can understand why you are upset. I hope you all can work it out and be at peace with it. Good Luck!
Thanks for your advice,
Thanks for your advice, ladies. I'll try to talk DH into talking to her. Usually, I'm the one who brings up these types of things because DH is too chicken to do it lol. He is behind on child support, so he refuses to confront her about most things in fear that she'll take him to court. I know she wouldn't because she's not that kind of person. The only reason he has to pay child support is because the state is forcing him to - even though she told them that she doesn't want child support from him because we have SD just as often as she does. How much sense does that make? Anyways, that's a totally separate issue and I'm rambling on.